Hold Me Close

by Shannyn Schroeder

  “I understand.”

  Maggie shot her a look.

  “Okay, I don’t totally understand. Five years is a long time. But what does working and living at the bar have to do with that?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe nothing. But like I said, I feel ready. I’ve had dates with some good guys. I’m not afraid to go out. Todd doesn’t occupy my thoughts anymore. The only thing I haven’t confronted in all this time is the bar.” She sighed and laid her head on her knees. “And if it’s not this, I don’t have any other ideas.”

  “We’ll figure it out. Maybe you just need to relax and date without worrying about the sex. How can you enjoy yourself and get to know a guy if you’re all stressed about screwing him?” She picked up her coffee again and drank.

  “I know. But it’s hard. And Dr. Janzen said I absolutely have to tell the guy about the rape, but that’s a hard conversation to have.”

  “So start with dating.”

  “I am. Olivia has me set up for a blind date tomorrow. Coffee in the afternoon. She showed me his picture. He’s cute.”

  “Cool. That’s a start.”

  “But I’m nervous. I feel like I’m wearing a huge flashing sign that says ‘I haven’t gotten laid in five years.’”

  Moira snorted. “I happen to know lots of guys would line up to help you remedy that.”

  “If only it were that easy.” She sighed. “Enough about me. Tell me about you and Jimmy. Is he as hot as I imagine him?”

  “Eww . . . don’t tell me you fantasize about my fiancé.”

  “I don’t. But come on. I have eyes.” She relaxed again and stretched out her legs until her feet rested on the trunk.

  “Yes. He is.”

  Maggie looked at her sister, whose cheeks were flaming. “Details, please.”

  “You really want details?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You know how Jimmy’s always been bossy? Yeah, that carries over into bed. He wants to be in charge all the time, but it’s sexy because it’s not all about him. That man has some singular focus, let me tell you.”

  Maggie smiled. “Maybe you shouldn’t tell me everything. I’ll never be able to look at Jimmy again.” She thought about what it would be like to have a relationship like that. To be with a man who would take control but not frighten her. Her mind went back to her recurring fantasy of the big dude with the gentle touch.

  Moira poked her leg. “Where did you just go? Please say you weren’t fantasizing about my man.”

  “No.” Maggie debated telling her. What the hell? This was Moira. “I was thinking about a fantasy I’ve been having when I’m alone. It’s the same guy, but he’s faceless. He’s a big guy with great arms. His hands are huge. He kind of dwarfs me. But he’s gentle, knows exactly what to do. Listening to you talk about Jimmy made me think of him.”

  “I guess I have a mission now. I have to find a guy to match your mystery man. Any other clues as to what he looks like?”

  “He’s imaginary, sis. There is no finding him.”

  “We’ll see.” She stood. “I’m going to go home now. Let me know if you need any more help getting settled.”

  “Are you free tomorrow? I have shopping to do. I need furniture.”

  “Sure. Give me a call.” She shrugged into her coat and headed to the door.

  Maggie followed to lock up. As Moira opened the door, Shane stood there with his fist poised to knock.

  Moira patted his shoulder. “Hi, again. Actually, good-bye, again. One of these times we’ll both be heading in the same direction at the same time.”

  “I had some leftover pizza. Thought you girls might be hungry.”

  “Sorry, can’t stay.” Moira brushed past him, but then made some crazy gestures.

  Maggie stared at her until she understood. Moira stood there, waving her arms and mouthing, “He’s a big guy.” Then she snorted a laugh.

  Shane turned, and Moira waved before ducking out the exterior door. Heat rose to Maggie’s cheeks. Moira knew that wasn’t her relationship with Shane. But then she turned her attention back to him, needing to crane her neck to meet his eyes. Yes, he was definitely big.

  “You think pizza is supposed to fix everything?”

  “It was worth a shot.” He held out the small box.

  She sighed. “You’re in luck. I didn’t eat dinner, unless you count the brownie I had with Moira.” She took the box and he stepped back. “You can come in.”

  He smirked. Damn man knew she wouldn’t be able to stay mad. She took the pizza to the living room and plopped on the couch.

  “You don’t have a TV?”

  “Not yet.” She glanced at him as she bit into the not-quite-warm pizza. “Wait a minute. Did you bring pizza as an excuse to get access to my apartment because you thought I had a TV?”

  “No. I brought you pizza because you like it. I hoped I could score an invite to watch TV. My apartment is a job site.” He strode across the room and sat beside her.

  “You helped me bring my stuff in. You didn’t see a TV then.”

  He shrugged.

  “I have my computer ready. I was going to watch a show when Moira showed up.”

  He looked at the laptop on the table. “It’s not a very big screen.”

  “We’ll make do.” She scooted closer to him and pulled the computer onto her lap to scroll through movies and TV shows. Her knee bumped his and she was suddenly hyperaware of him. He smelled fresh from a shower and warmth rolled off his skin. She was not supposed to notice these things. Damn Moira.

  This was what life was supposed to be. Shane settled back into the couch with Maggie curled up next to him to watch TV like they had hundreds of times over the years. For the past few days, he’d been torn up knowing she was angry. Knowing they were in the same city without talking every day felt weird. They’d talked almost every day when she was halfway around the world.

  He probably should’ve felt bad for throwing Ryan under the bus, but he didn’t. If Maggie knew this was all Shane’s idea, she might figure out how to stay mad. He needed to be in her corner, and she wouldn’t believe that if she knew the truth.

  Maggie finished a second piece of pizza and stood. “You want something? Moira brought beer.”

  He twitched. Although he drank, he never did with Maggie. He always figured that if she wasn’t drinking, it made her uncomfortable. “You sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure she brought it. I put it in the fridge myself.” She looked at him like he was crazy.

  “No. Are you sure it won’t bother you?”

  “Why would it?”

  He shifted forward and put the laptop back on the table. “Because you don’t drink.”

  She continued to stare at him and her head tilted. “I choose not to drink because I don’t like to feel out of control.” She bit down on her bottom lip. “The last time I lost control like that, it didn’t end well. But it doesn’t bother me to be around people who drink. Shit. My whole family drinks. I work at a bar.”

  Her eyes popped wide and she sank back to the couch. “You never drink around me. Why did I not realize that before?”

  “Because it’s not important.”

  “Yeah, it is.” She reached out and stroked his jaw. “You gave up drinking so I wouldn’t get upset. You’re the best kind of friend.”

  With her hand on his face like that, he had a hard time keeping his thoughts friendly. “Don’t go overboard. I didn’t give up drinking altogether, just in front of you.”

  “It’s still sweet.” She rose and went to the kitchen. When she came back, she held out a bottle of beer.

  He accepted and said, “Thanks,” as he twisted the cap off.

  Maggie sat and watched as he drank from the bottle.

  “Ready for another show?”

  She nodded and snuggled beside him again. If this was all he’d get out of life, he’d be happy. Maggie was safe and with him. At some point he might even be able to make a move to change their relationship. Every ti
me he considered it, something stood in his way. At first, it was other guys. As a teen, she was rarely without a boyfriend. Then she’d been raped, and his greatest fear was that he would lose her, that she wouldn’t want to be near him because he hadn’t stopped it from happening. And then just as they seemed to be moving in that direction, she took off to Europe.

  Part of him wanted to grab her and kiss her and tell her she’d always be safe with him.

  But it would freak her out. She was still battling her demons. So he would wait until she was ready. He would have only one shot and he couldn’t afford to blow it.

  Maggie was shoving at his shoulder, and he squinted at her. Damn. He’d fallen asleep.

  “I would let you stay asleep, but this is my bed.”

  He pushed forward. “What?” He rubbed his eyes.

  “I don’t have a bed yet. I’m going shopping tomorrow. Until then, this is my bed.” She pointed at the couch.

  “Why did you move if you don’t have furniture?”

  She lifted a shoulder. “Anxious, I guess.”

  He stood and stretched. “Sorry I fell asleep. Guess I was more tired than I thought.” He took his empty beer bottle to the kitchen. “Trash can?”

  “On the shopping list for tomorrow.”

  He shook his head. The girl hadn’t planned for anything. “I have a queen-sized bed. You’re welcome to share it with me.”

  She chewed her lip again. “No, that’s okay. I’ll be fine here.”

  He rolled his shoulders. They’d often crashed together, always fully clothed, a safe distance between them. The first time, they’d still been in high school, and he’d thought for sure the O’Learys were going to skin him. He and Maggie had studied late for finals and fell asleep. After that, it had been normal.

  In fact, the one thing that told him they were okay after the rape was that she’d asked him to stay with her one night.

  “You know where to find me if you change your mind.” He let himself out of her apartment and walked next door. As he unlocked his apartment, the door behind him opened. He turned to see his neighbor.

  A woman about his age stood in the doorway wearing skimpy shorts and a tank top. Obviously her sleep clothes since it was since barely twenty degrees outside. “Hi, I’m Janet.”

  “Hi, Janet. I’m Shane. I just moved in.” He hitched a thumb over his shoulder to his apartment.

  “I thought that apartment wasn’t ready.”

  “It’s not. I’m doing the work while I live there.”

  The corner of her mouth lifted. “So you’re a handy kind of guy.”

  “I’m a carpenter.”

  “Hmmm. I guess that means you don’t know what to do about the heat.”

  Ahh. Now his tired brain clicked. She was having the same temperature issues he was. “No, sorry.”

  “Okay. Thanks anyway. Good night.” She slipped back behind her door.

  As he let himself into his apartment, he realized Maggie’s place had been totally comfortable. How the hell did that happen? He was too tired to focus. He’d deal with it tomorrow. He strode through the apartment, straight to his bed, tossing off clothes as he went. He cracked the bedroom window open a little to keep from getting sweaty.

  All in all, it hadn’t been a bad day. He had gotten work done on his apartment and made up with Maggie. With any luck, tomorrow she’d go buy a big-ass TV so they could watch it while his place was under construction.

  He fell back asleep feeling the imaginary press of Maggie’s body against him. The desire for that to become reality held just enough edge to annoy him. Waiting didn’t come easy.

  CHAPTER 5

  Maggie was exhausted and the idea of canceling her coffee date tempted her, but it would’ve been unfair to Bill, Olivia’s coworker. Moira had insisted on going all over the city looking for furniture, and although Maggie had hated it, she was glad because she was done. She had a slew of deliveries all coming tomorrow.

  Driving through the slush-covered streets, she looked for a place to park near the coffee shop. When a spot opened, she pulled in. She took a minute to check herself in the mirror. While she wasn’t fully made up for a night on the town, she still wanted to make a good impression. This guy might turn out to be great boyfriend material.

  She swiped on some lip gloss and grabbed her purse. Inside the shop, she looked around, trying to see Bill. It wasn’t too crowded, but it had an odd configuration, so she couldn’t see the whole place from the door. Hopefully, Olivia had shown Bill a picture of her too, so he could keep an eye out for her.

  At the counter, she ordered a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream, and while she waited for her order she continued to look around. Grabbing her cup, she debated whether she should get a table or wait here, making her easy to spot.

  From behind her, a deep voice said, “Maggie?”

  She spun to see Bill standing beside her. “Yes.”

  “Sorry I’m late. My shift at the hospital ran over a bit.” He looked at her cup. “I would’ve bought your drink.”

  “That’s fine.”

  “Let me order and we’ll grab a table.”

  She waited while he placed his order. He was taller than her, but that wasn’t saying much. He was probably five-ten or so. As he paid for his coffee, she looked at his hands. Definitely not the big guy from her dreams.

  She shook her head. Damn Moira. Maggie knew the guy didn’t actually exist; he was a figment of her overactive imagination. The guy in front of her deserved a real chance.

  With his coffee in hand, he pointed to a free table. He waited for her to sit before taking the chair across from her.

  “So Olivia tells me you’ve been traveling. Where have you been?”

  “I went to London and then to France and Spain for a few weeks. But once I hit Ireland, I kind of settled in. I have cousins there, so it was a lot of fun to be with extended family.” She sipped her hot chocolate and hoped she wouldn’t get a whipped cream mustache to make her look ridiculous.

  “I’ve always wanted to travel. It’s one of those things I keep telling myself I’ll do, but then I get caught up in the day-to-day stuff of life.”

  “I know you work at the hospital with Olivia, but she didn’t tell me what you do.”

  “I’m a nurse.” He paused like he was expecting her to make a comment.

  The problem was, she had no idea what to say. “Cool.” That sounded lame as soon as it left her mouth. How could she be this out of practice for being on a date?

  Bill smiled. “Sorry. I was expecting some of the usual comments like A guy nurse? Or Why not a doctor? I find that someone’s reaction to my job says a lot about them.”

  And hers probably said she had the vocabulary of a sixth grader. “Did I pass?”

  He let out a low chuckle. “Yeah.”

  “Do you like being a nurse?”

  He jerked his head back a little. “Why would I do it if I didn’t like it?”

  “I don’t know. You know, a lot of people go into a career thinking it’s going to be one way, and then it’s not, but they’re already in it, so it’s hard to walk away. You have the degree, the experience, the job security, so you suck it up even if you don’t enjoy it.”

  “Spoken like a woman who hates her job.”

  She laughed. Her words probably did carry that message. “Nah. I’m waitressing right now for that exact reason. I’m not sure what I want to do, and I don’t want to land somewhere I’ll regret.”

  “Makes sense.” He drank his coffee, but the expression on his face was a little too serious. “Any ideas?”

  “For a career? Too many. I almost feel like a five year old. One minute I want to be a writer, then I want to be a social worker, then I think maybe just a regular office job, something that won’t ever have to come home with me.” She took a long drink, feeling like she was failing a test.

  “What did you major in?”

  “I never got around to declaring a major. When I started college, I t
hought I’d get into marketing, so I have a few business classes under my belt, but mostly I experimented.”

  “So you haven’t graduated.” The statement could’ve been simple observation, but Maggie felt the judgment behind it.

  She shook her head. Yeah, this date had taken a wrong turn. Who wanted to be out with a guy who’d make her feel like a failure? He didn’t follow with another question or comment, choosing to stare at his coffee instead. “You know, I have a shift at the bar tonight. I better get going. It was nice to meet you.”

  Glad she had thought up the slight fib, she stood and looked around for a trash can for her cup. He stood. “It was nice to meet you.”

  They were obviously on the same page, since he didn’t bother to ask for her number. “You too.” She gave him a quick wave and dashed out the door. First blind date failure? Check. She wasn’t sure she could stomach a long line of these before finding success.

  The whole conversation with Bill had blindsided her. She’d been so concerned with appearing normal instead of like a victim that she hadn’t considered other ways she might be a turnoff. So the blind date failed because she was failing at life. It stung.

  She drove back to her apartment with her few purchases and thought about her options for the evening. She almost wished she did have a shift at the bar. At least she’d have plans. After parking her car behind the bar, she grabbed her bags and ran up the stairs. As soon as she walked through the first door, Shane’s door opened.

  He looked at the bags she carried. “None of those look big enough for a TV.”

  “You know, for someone who’s so concerned about a TV, maybe you should just invest in one.”

  “I have one. It’s in storage. I don’t want it to get ruined on this job site I’m living in. Besides, if I watch TV at your place, you might cook me dinner.”

  “Fat chance. More like I’ll order food from downstairs.”

  He pointed at her bags. “I thought you were buying furniture.”