She needed to meet Moira for a working lunch. That made her smile. People with real careers had working lunches. Made her sound kind of grown-up. Getting rid of the hangover would probably help with that feeling. She made herself an awful cup of coffee and groaned at the time. She’d missed catching Shane by hours.
Maybe that was a blessing. She could shake her crappy feeling, get her head on straight, and ask Moira for advice. Flying by the seat of her pants hadn’t been working out too well, so this plan sounded better. Since she had some time until lunch, she eased onto the couch with her coffee and relaxed.
Then she remembered Shane had asked for his computer back, but he’d left without it. She should feel bad, but she needed it for her meeting with Moira. She had all of her work saved in cloud storage, but she didn’t know if Moira would bring her laptop. She sighed again and grabbed her phone to text Shane. Hopefully, he would answer.
You forgot your computer last night. Do you need it right now?
She held her phone and waited for his response. In a way, she felt silly. If he really needed it, he would’ve come back for it last night or pounded on her door this morning. But she couldn’t help making this slight contact to make sure they were still going to be okay. Her phone buzzed in her hand.
No. I’ll go to my parents’ house and use theirs after work.
Now she did feel bad.
I can drop it off to you.
She paused, stomach in a knot, and then added: Or you can come by tonight. I promise to stay fully clothed.
In her head, she heard his quiet chuckle, the one where he couldn’t stop it, even though he knew he shouldn’t laugh. However, when his response came through, her chest tightened.
It’s fine. I don’t need it.
There was no laughter. Not even a smiley face emoticon. The fear that she’d completely damaged their friendship became real and painful. She needed more help than she thought. She finished her coffee, took a shower, packed the laptop, and headed to lunch. Moira would know what to do. She hoped.
Maggie and Moira worked for a couple of hours, creating content for the magazine. She was having fun in spite of the hangover that lingered. Moira knew something was up but surprisingly didn’t ask until they finished for the day.
“I’m worried about you.”
Damn. Was she so transparent that she didn’t even need to tell Moira?
“You haven’t touched alcohol in five years. Is it a problem?”
Maggie giggled. Moira thought she was turning into a drunk. “No. I had a beer on Saint Paddy’s Day at the bar. Last night, I had a beer with Eli, and when things went south with him, I continued to drink by myself. I’m not a drunk. I knew I’d be safe in my apartment, drinking my beer, and I really wanted a bit of oblivion last night.”
“What happened?”
She summarized the whole situation with Eli and then debated telling her about Shane.
“You’re hiding something.”
“I think I did something stupid.”
“Like what?”
“Shane came over for his laptop, and I practically jumped him. First I asked if he wanted to fuck, then I said he probably couldn’t get it right.” She cut into the brownie in front of her. Moira was convinced that chocolate could solve most problems. Maggie wasn’t sold on the idea.
“Ouch!”
“Yeah. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“What did he say?”
“He said he wouldn’t sleep with me, and he hadn’t been trying to manipulate me the other day when he said we should be a couple. He wants to date.”
Moira let out a whoop. “It’s about damn time.”
“What?”
“Oh, come on. Everyone can see how much that man loves you.”
“Of course he loves me. We’re friends. And before he left last night—left me standing in my underwear, by the way—he said it was all or nothing: friends or a couple.”
Moira’s face fell. “God, did you actually slap him back into the friend zone?”
“I didn’t do anything. He left.”
Moira studied her face, and Maggie felt self-conscious. “I say you go jump him again. Go out with him. Be a couple. Have fun.”
Moira’s urging caused a fresh flood of fear. “What if it doesn’t work out?”
“What if it does?”
“I’m serious. He’s my best friend. I don’t want to fuck that up.”
Moira patted her hand. “So don’t.”
As far as sisterly advice went, it wasn’t very helpful. Maggie needed to stop this. She had to tell Shane that they could only be friends. She never should’ve slept with him. She drove home trying to find the words to give to Shane.
The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him. She replayed the end of the night in her head. Then it hit her.
Holy crap! He said he was in love with her. How had that not been front and center in her brain? That was the kind of declaration that changed lives. He had to be wrong. He was confusing sex with love.
She parked behind the bar and looked for Shane’s truck. It wasn’t in sight, so she sent him a text asking him to come over when he got home. That gave her some time to think about how to approach this.
Inside her apartment, she began to clean her mess from the night before. Empty beer bottles littered the table, so she gathered them in her arms and tossed them in the trash. The stale beer smell caught her, and she swallowed hard to prevent herself from getting sick. Although she no longer felt the need to completely avoid alcohol, she definitely had no desire to get drunk again.
After the room was clean, she settled on the couch to wait for Shane. It didn’t take long before there was a knock on her door. When she opened it, Shane stood there with a scowl on his face but didn’t come in.
She stepped back from the door and waved her arm out. “Please come in.”
He took two steps, which barely put him over the threshold.
Fine. If this was where he wanted to do it, whatever. “I’m sorry about last night. I was out of line and I wasn’t being fair to you. I treated you like an object. Like you didn’t matter.”
“Yeah, I was feeling a little used. I did a lot of thinking last night and today. Now that you’re sober, I’m going to say it again so there are no misunderstandings. I think we should give us a shot.”
“A shot? For what?”
“To be a couple. We’re good together, Maggie.”
“Yeah. We’re good because we’re friends. By definition, best friends are good together. But as a couple . . . that’s such a risk. What if we screw it up? I would lose you.” Her breathing sped up as nerves attacked.
“So we don’t screw it up.”
“Ha!” She stepped away, suddenly feeling cramped in the entryway. She paced between the two walls, barely two steps before needing to turn. “You’re as naïve as Moira.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that people screw shit up all the time. No matter how much they love each other.”
He grabbed her arms to stop her pacing. “And lots of people don’t screw it up.”
“Is it worth taking that kind of chance?”
He stared at her. “I don’t know.”
“I don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t.”
“You don’t know that. Look at how you reacted to my being with Eli. If we had a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that went south, how much worse would you be seeing me with another guy?”
Although he didn’t speak, his face said plenty. “See? It’d be bad. And then I would lose my best friend.”
She reached up and stroked his jaw. “I will always be grateful for what you did.”
“Anything for you, Maggie.” He leaned like he might try to kiss her, so she needed to get this out.
“But I think we can only be friends.”
He held her hand against his jaw. “Why?”
“Because I don’t think it’s worth the risk.
”
He pulled her hand away but continued to hold it. “What if I can’t go back?”
The nerves turned to ice-cold fear. “What are you saying?”
“I’m sorry, Mags, but I don’t think I can go back to just being friends. I’ve loved you for a long time, and I’ve been patient. I’ve waited while you dated other guys, while you traveled around the world, while you put your life back together. I’m done waiting.”
He released her hand, and she felt like he was letting go of a lot more. She had no words. Her worst fear came crashing down on her. Shane shook his head and walked out the door.
CHAPTER 18
Shane walked back to his apartment in a daze. He hadn’t planned to say that to Maggie. In fact, he didn’t have a plan at all when he went to her place. But seeing her, holding her hand, feeling her touch his face, made him realize he wanted more. What he’d said carried his truth. He’d thought he could go back to being friends with Maggie, had tried to prepare for that as an option, but it didn’t work.
He opened his refrigerator to grab a beer and remembered it was empty. He was moving out, which meant he had nothing. He stared at his door, willing Maggie to come to him. She was scared. So was he, but he knew they would work. Maybe with a little time, she would come to the same realization.
Staring at his empty apartment, he began to question every choice he’d made. He had no place to live, he almost ruined his chance to become a cop, and now the woman he loved most in the world had turned him away.
Fuck this. He grabbed some clean clothes and his keys and left. He couldn’t sit in this apartment surrounded by O’Learys and not reach out to Maggie again. He was done reaching out for her. It was time for him to get his life in order and go after what he wanted. Right now, all he wanted was a stiff drink, so he headed back to Alyson’s place.
The thought sent another message about his sad life. He needed more guy friends. Since leaving college, he hadn’t built many new friendships. He relied on his family and Maggie to fill that part of his life. It wasn’t normal. He hadn’t given it much thought before now, but he needed a drink and he didn’t have someone to call other than his little sister.
His life wasn’t just sad, it was pitiful.
For the next few days, Maggie threw herself into her work. She took on additional shifts at the bar, and during every free moment beyond that she walked the city, taking pictures. The freedom she felt as she captured images was almost swallowed by the deep pain burrowing in her chest.
Shane hadn’t made any attempt to contact her since he walked out of her apartment. She’d tried to accidentally bump into him as he left for work or came home, but he must’ve changed his schedule to avoid her. Ultimately, she felt lost. She made an appointment to see Dr. Janzen, because talking it through with someone who was objective usually worked for her.
Her family, especially Moira, couldn’t be objective. They all loved Shane. They would think his overprotective nature was normal, endearing even. Lying to protect her was a good thing in their eyes.
They all made her want to scream. And knowing that made her want to run away, because yelling never seemed to get her too far.
She waited outside Dr. Janzen’s office, unable to sit still. The restlessness had been an issue since her fight with Shane. Was it even classified as a fight? They hadn’t argued, but they definitely disagreed.
Dr. Janzen opened her door and greeted Maggie with a smile. Today she wore a black suit and a coral top. Maggie couldn’t remember ever seeing this blouse. She smiled. Even Dr. Janzen managed to change things.
Once they sat, Dr. Janzen asked, “How are you?”
“I think I screwed up.”
“Screwed up what?”
Maggie sat on the comfortably squishy couch and rambled, filling Dr. Janzen in on everything. The letter from Todd, sex with Shane, her disastrous conversation with Eli. When she was done, the restlessness disappeared.
Tears pricked the back of her eyes.
Dr. Janzen had said nothing until now. “Why do you think you’d lose Shane if you altered your relationship?”
“Because people screw things up all the time.”
“That would be true of any relationship. You’re not avoiding having a relationship, just having one with Shane. Why?”
“Shane sees me as fragile, someone he needs to take care of. I’m not. I need to be with someone who can see me as his equal. And Shane . . .” She needed to continue. She knew she needed to tell Dr. Janzen everything, but some things she’d never mentioned before. Giving them voice proved harder than expected.
As usual, Dr. Janzen didn’t move, didn’t speak. She simply sat and waited until Maggie knew what she wanted to say.
Maggie bit down on her now trembling lip. Her words were barely a whisper. “I’m afraid that when he sees all of me, he’ll realize he was wrong and leave.”
“I thought you said Shane knew everything.”
“Not about the locked doors and not . . .”
When she didn’t say anything for a minute, Dr. Janzen added, “Feeling the need to be behind a locked door is not a deal breaker for most people.”
“But it would reinforce the idea that I’m still broken, that he needs to protect me.” The sun shone brightly through the window, and if she didn’t know that it was barely fifty degrees outside, someone could convince her it was summer. She clasped her hands and focused there.
“Many men feel a strong urge to protect those they care about. Letting Shane know that you need the door locked probably won’t faze him. What else doesn’t he know about?”
Still looking out the window, Maggie said, “He doesn’t know how fucked up I am. The whole time we worked toward having sex, he kept telling me we were going to do things his way.”
“Did that make you uncomfortable?”
She huffed a sad laugh. “Just the opposite. It was a total turn-on. But then, he put me in charge. He was so worried about me freaking out that he wanted me in control.”
“He sounds thoughtful.”
“He is. Don’t you see? That’s what makes me fucked up.” She spun and faced her therapist. “I want a man to come to me and take charge. I want a guy to do things his way. How fucked up is that? I was raped and I fantasize about some guy taking my control away.”
Maggie buried her face in her hands. Confusion swirled through every ounce of her being. But she no longer wanted to cry. Minutes passed.
Finally, Dr. Janzen called her. “Maggie.”
Then she waited until Maggie’s gaze met hers.
“Having fantasies makes you normal. The fact that you want to explore your sexuality should be celebrated. What makes you think Shane would leave you because of this?”
“Because I’m a fraud. Don’t you see that? He will always think I’m weak, and in some ways, I am. I can’t go to sleep unless I check and then double-check my bedroom door to make sure it’s locked. And then I want a guy to be forceful in bed. I feel like a hypocrite.”
“Let’s put Shane out of this for a moment. Let’s assume you continue to date and you find someone you care about. You talk to him about your past, including the rape. Would you include him in your sexual fantasies?”
She didn’t even have to really think about it. “Probably.”
“Why do you assume this new man would be able to handle your feelings and fantasies better than Shane?”
Huh. Maggie slumped back against the cushions. “I guess it’s because Shane already thinks he knows everything about me. And this . . . this would ruin that image for him.”
“Are you saying his image of you is wrong?”
“Not wrong, but skewed. He always treats me like I’m special.”
By the time Maggie left Dr. Janzen’s office, she was wrung out. Although she hadn’t shed a tear, she felt like she’d run the gamut of emotions. And she still didn’t have any answers. There were things she could count on Dr. Janzen for. Giving her solutions to her problems was not one of them.
She had, however, given Maggie lots to think about.
Maggie needed to reevaluate her relationship with Shane and what she really wanted from it. And what was she willing to do for it.
This was it. Shane stood outside the police academy and stared at the sign: Chicago Police Education and Training Academy. If all went well today, he’d breeze through this interview and be placed in the next class of recruits. He was so nervous, he didn’t even tell anyone that he had his interview today.
If he blew it, he planned to forget he ever got this far. He wouldn’t be able to stand hearing everyone ask how it went. It was bad enough that his entire family kept asking him what had happened with Maggie. Alyson and her big mouth.
He shoved all of that aside and focused. This interview was the last hurdle he needed to clear to become a cop. Well, he had to make it out of the academy, but he knew he’d be successful given the chance.
After patting his pockets one last time to make sure he had his newly signed lease, he strode through the front door and checked in for his appointment. Detective Carroll sat in front of him, reading from a file.
“So you played football in college?”
That was not the kind of question Shane had expected. “Yeah.”
“What position?”
“Defensive end.”
“So what do you think about the Bears going into next year?”
Shane knew this had to be a trap. Carroll was looking for something, but Shane had no idea what as they chatted about football for the next ten minutes. Then it hit him.
“So why did you stop playing? You were on a scholarship, right?”
Shane leaned forward slightly. “No disrespect, Detective Carroll, but I’m sure it’s all right there in my file. I quit after blowing the whistle on teammates who were doping. My allegations proved true, but I couldn’t stay on the team after that. Everyone thought I had betrayed the team.”
Hold Me Close Page 24
