“Do you regret your decision?”
“No. It was the right thing to do.”
“Do you always do the right thing?”
“I try, but I’m not perfect.”
“What if the right thing is against the law?”
Shit was getting real now. He thought of Maggie, and he knew to a certain degree there were times when he’d break the law. But he also knew he couldn’t admit it. “I’m a law-abiding citizen. I was taught to believe in the system. I know it’s not perfect, but it’s the best we’ve got.”
“Tell me about Todd McCann.”
How the hell did Carroll get there? Shane had never been officially charged. “He’s my friend Maggie’s ex-boyfriend.”
“You were brought in, but not charged, for beating him up.”
Shane’s jaw tightened. This hadn’t come up in any of his previous tests. He’d believed he was in the clear. “Yes.”
“Did you beat him up?”
“I plead the fifth.”
Detective Carroll finally cracked a smile. “I thought you wanted to be a cop, not a lawyer.”
“I do. So in this instance, keeping my mouth shut is in my best interest.”
“Did he break her heart, so you broke his nose?”
Anger filled Shane, but he fought not to react. Of course, Carroll would think he flew off the handle over something silly. He unclenched his jaw and answered, “No. He raped her.”
Carroll inhaled deeply, and took a moment before saying anything else. Shane continued to stare at the man. Shane had no regrets about that either. Todd deserved much worse than what Shane had doled out.
“Why didn’t you let the system handle that?”
“We did. But my temper got the better of me.”
“So you decided to play vigilante.”
“No. I went to speak to him to make sure he knew to stay away from my friend. He threw a punch and I defended myself, which is why no charges were formally filed.”
Carroll seemed satisfied and changed the subject again. He jumped around from topic to topic. Shane assumed the man wanted to trip him up.
When Shane left the academy every muscle in his body had tightened and felt like they would snap. He climbed into his truck, barely resisting the strong urge to kick in the side.
Carroll had left him with a handshake and no promise of employment, just like every other step in this god-awful process. Carroll gave nothing away. Shane had no way to gauge if he’d screwed up. He drove to his parents’ house, his temporary residence until he could move into his new apartment.
He parked down the street from the house, reluctant to go in. They would ask where he’d been and he’d attempt to lie. Then his mom would wheedle it out of him and try to make him feel better about the whole thing. No, he didn’t want someone to pat him on the back and tell him he’d done the best he could. He already knew that.
He pulled out his phone and stared at Maggie’s number. Over the last week, he’d gotten as far as looking at her name. He’d wanted to call her up about a million times, but each time he made himself stop. She hadn’t tried to contact him once. He wondered if she was even aware he’d moved out of his apartment.
Things would be so much better if he could stop thinking about her. Beyond having extremely vivid dreams about her naked body, he missed his best friend. They’d always shared everything, so it would’ve been natural for him to call her about his interview. And to show her his new apartment. And just about anything else that could happen.
Silence between them was weird.
While he debated the merits of dealing with his family versus finding somewhere else to eat dinner, his phone rang. Maggie’s smiling face stared at him, and he did a double take before realizing that she was, in fact, calling him.
Without thinking, he answered and immediately regretted it. He had no idea where they stood or what he should say.
“Shane? You there?”
“Yeah. I’m here.”
“You moved.”
So she had noticed. “I told you I had to move fast.”
“But you left without telling me.” Hurt vibrated through every syllable.
“I didn’t know what to say.”
“How about ‘Hey, Maggie, I’m moving.’” Anger quickly replaced the hurt.
He shifted in his seat. “I needed to move, and things between us have been . . . strained.”
“So I tell you I want to be friends and you just walk away? That’s it? Ten years of friendship gone?”
He thumped his head on the steering wheel. This was why he hadn’t called. He didn’t know how to walk away from her. But he also didn’t know how to be with her and not want her completely. “I don’t know what to say to you, Maggie. I don’t think I can be your friend. It won’t be enough.”
“Why not? It was enough for all this time.” Her voice had quieted like she begged for an answer.
“It was never enough. I pretended it was because I thought that was all I could have. I’ve been in love with you for a long time. So long that I can’t remember not being in love with you, Maggie. You opened the door to us being more, having more. You can’t just shut it again.”
When she didn’t say anything, he thought she’d hung up.
“I’m afraid,” she whispered.
“So we do it together. Nothing to be scared of.”
“I wish it were that easy.” She sighed and then said, “Good-bye.”
He had no idea if it was a talk to you later good-bye or a good-bye forever.
Maggie disconnected and curled on her couch, gripping her phone. Her day felt as if it had been forty hours long and all she’d wanted was to hear Shane’s voice. She had no idea why she’d started yelling at him. If she’d told him she’d had a hard day, he would’ve talked to her and made her feel better. He might’ve even come over and let her lean on him while they watched TV together.
In her heart, she knew it wouldn’t be fair to him. She wanted him back in her life even though it had only been a week since they’d fought. But he wanted all of her and she still wasn’t sure what she could offer him.
She hadn’t thought about that when she considered falling in love with a new boyfriend. She’d assumed things would develop in their natural course. Starting something with Shane would definitely take a different route. As much as she would have to reevaluate how she thought about him, he’d have to be willing to do the same.
A huge part of her feared that Shane would never be able to see her as his equal and he’d never let go of the guilt he felt over her rape. They never talked about it, but she knew how he felt. It was a shadow that followed them everywhere.
What if they could never get past that?
She snickered sadly. Dr. Janzen would point out that every what if could be spun on its head. What if they needed each other to free themselves of the shadow? What if Shane gave her the safe life she’d been seeking? One where she could explore and experiment without fear.
What if he thought she was a freak?
“Ahhh!” She stood and tossed her phone against the cushions. Her biggest problem was that when she needed to work through something, she’d always talked to Shane. How was she supposed to do this without him?
Maybe she shouldn’t. This mess was as much his fault as hers. If he was so sure about how good they would be, he should convince her. She pulled her phone from between the pillows on the couch and sent a text.
We need to talk in person. I can’t figure things out without you. Where are you living?
She went to her room to change and put on makeup. Regardless of how things went, she wanted to look good doing it.
My parents’ house.
She almost poked her eye with her eyeliner when she saw his response. He’d hated living at home and couldn’t wait to move out. You moved back home?
For now.
She sighed. Doing this in front of his parents and possibly one or more of his sisters didn’t appeal to her, but she couldn’
t keep going on like this. Can I come over?
Sure.
Not a resounding welcome, but it was better than him telling her no.
She changed into her comfort wear: a snug tank top with her faded flannel over it and her favorite pair of jeans. She wouldn’t win any fashion contests, and it certainly wasn’t let’s-get-laid attire, but the clothes made her feel like herself.
Now more than anything, she needed to be confident in herself.
After parking in front of Shane’s house, Maggie took a deep breath. The first time she’d walked into this house, she’d been sixteen. Shane needed a tutor and she needed to prove to her mom that she could handle being at a public school after being not-so-kindly asked to leave the all-girl Catholic school she had attended. She figured tutoring a star football player would earn her bonus points on the good scale.
From the first moment she stepped foot in the Callahan house, she’d been treated like part of the family. Shane’s mom buzzed around offering them snacks and drinks and always profusely thanking her for her help when she left. Over time, Shane didn’t need her help, but they’d developed a friendship.
His family was as much hers as hers was his.
Now she was going to have to have a serious discussion with his family around. His dad’s truck and his mom’s car sat in the driveway. She didn’t know which of his sisters might be around. What were the chances they’d encounter anything resembling privacy?
She should’ve asked him to come to her apartment. Once again, her lack of forethought was biting her in the ass.
Stepping from the car, she filled her lungs with fresh springtime air, and then walked up the front stairs.
Shane’s mom opened the door and greeted her with a hug. “Maggie, it’s so good to see you. I’ve been telling Shane to bring you around.”
“Hi, Theresa. Things have been busy, you know, adjusting to life back here, looking for new jobs, and stuff.” Stuff like having sex with your son. Maggie quickly clamped her jaw shut for fear of saying something ridiculous. “Is Shane here?”
“Yeah. He’s in his old room. You know the way.” She disappeared back into the kitchen, and Maggie followed the sounds of rock blaring from a radio.
So much hadn’t changed in ten years. Every time Shane was pissed off or struggled with something, it was always rock and roll behind his locked bedroom door. She knocked with a tight fist before trying the knob. Surprisingly, it was unlocked.
Sticking just her head through the door, she called, “Is it safe to come in?”
Shane lay on his bed, arms behind his head, legs stretched out, crossed at the ankle. He opened one eye when she talked. Like she wasn’t worthy of his full attention and both eyes being open. “Sure.”
She slid through the door and locked it behind her. Before approaching him on the bed, she turned the music down a few notches but didn’t turn it off. She hoped the sounds might drown out their conversation.
Before she launched into what she needed to say—which of course she still wasn’t totally sure of—she knew something was off with Shane. “What’s wrong?” she asked as she sat at the foot of the bed, being careful not to come into contact with him.
He raised an eyebrow.
“I mean, yeah, there’s stuff we need to talk about, but is there something else?”
He eyed the door as if to make sure she’d closed it. “I had my interview for the police department.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“How’d it go? Was it bad? Is that why you’re so mopey?”
He swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat. “I’m not mopey. I’m thinking. I’m not sure how it went.”
“Come on. You have to have some idea.”
He shook his head. “No. This detective, he’s like a stone wall. No reading him.”
“Then your chances are equally good that the interview was a success.”
“Except for the questions he asked.”
Maggie couldn’t think of anything that would rattle Shane. He was honest and believed in doing the right thing. It was why she knew he’d be a good cop. “Like what?”
“He asked why I stopped playing football.” He rubbed his hands on his thighs. Without looking at her, he added, “He asked about me beating up Todd.”
“What?” Maggie jumped up from her spot. In both instances, Shane had been doing what was fair and right and just. “How could that be a bad thing and work against you?”
Anger bubbled up on his behalf. Shane deserved to have what he wanted, and if Todd took that from him, she’d never forgive herself.
Shane looked up from where he’d been staring at the pattern of the carpet. Just like Maggie to get mad. “In general, they don’t want cops who take the law into their own hands.”
“But he raped me.”
The pain in her voice pierced through him. He had no regrets about what he’d done. If given the chance to do it again, he would, police department be damned. “I explained that. On a personal level, I’m pretty sure he understood. But the hiring process isn’t personal.”
He’d replayed the interview in his head hundreds of times already, trying to figure out how he could’ve made it better. He came up empty every time.
“Would it help if I talked to this detective again?”
“No. There’s nothing you can do, but thanks.” There wasn’t anything anyone could do at this point, which was why he’d spent so much time lying in bed thinking about his options.
He’d been counting on the police department to hire him. He’d been biding his time, waiting for something to happen.
Maggie sank back down onto the bed. The springs squeaked like they had his entire life. He firmly believed his parents liked him having a squeaky bed so they knew he wasn’t getting lucky in his room. She sat close enough that he could smell her perfume.
She wore her favorite flannel shirt, one that had been worn thin. It was a comfort thing for her, which he understood because it looked soft. He wanted to reach out and touch it but held back.
Since she didn’t seem to be moving the conversation forward, he did. “Why are you here?”
“We need to talk.”
“So talk.”
She picked at the bottom button of her shirt. “I’m afraid I really messed things up between us, and I never meant to. I’m sorry I ever asked you to sleep with me.”
“I’m not.”
Her gaze flicked up and immediately shot back down.
Shane touched her jaw and lifted her face. “I don’t regret a damn thing about it, Maggie. I’ve wanted you for a long time, and because I spent so much time wanting you, I started to believe I’d built it up in my head. But it was real. What we shared was real. That’s why I can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”
Staring into her blue eyes, he saw her uncertainty, but he couldn’t understand. They belonged together.
She stared back, not shying away from his touch on her chin. “I know. I’m not sure I could pretend it didn’t happen either, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t take it back if I could. There’s too much potential for this to ruin our friendship.” Her lip wobbled. “And now you’re making it sound like if I don’t become your girlfriend, I’ll lose you anyway.”
Crap. He didn’t want to make her cry, and he definitely didn’t want to push her away, but he couldn’t go back. “Christ, Maggie, you’ll never lose me. Not totally. But I can’t pretend.”
She pulled out of his grasp now, shaking her head. “But what if we do this and you find out I’m not who you thought I was?”
“I know everything about you.”
“No, you don’t. You think you do, but . . .”
“What is it? I can’t imagine anything about you being such a problem I wouldn’t want to be with you.”
Her hands twisted in her lap. “In addition to the triggers, I have some other glitches.”
“Glitches? You’re not a machine.”
She rolled her eyes. “Glit
ches—problems—things that are wrong with me.”
He stifled his laugh. “Like what?”
She turned her head and stared at the door. Then it hit him. He grabbed her hand. “The door locking. I noticed.”
Her breath hitched as she sucked it in.
“When you knew I was following right behind you to watch TV, you locked me out of your apartment. When I spent the night, you got out of bed to check the door.”
She nodded. “I need it locked. It’s not as bad now as it used to be, but sometimes, especially if it’s been a bad day, I check and double-check out of necessity.”
“And the morning I surprised you with coffee?”
“I saw the open door and panicked. Hearing the sounds from the kitchen exacerbated it.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me?”
She pulled away again. “Because I didn’t want you to see how messed up I am. I’m dying to be normal. I needed you of all people to see me as normal.”
She fell silent again. Was that it? She thought he’d lose interest because she needed locked doors?
“I do.”
She shook her head. “No, you don’t. You see me as damaged, something that’s so fragile that I might break.”
“You’re the strongest person I know. Your strength amazes me.”
Her head whipped up. He knew that look. She was about to call him a liar.
“I don’t know anyone who fights as hard as you do to prove herself every day.” He reached for her hand again and sandwiched it between his. “The thing is, Maggie, you don’t have anything to prove to anyone.”
“I need to prove it to myself.”
“Maybe you need to cut yourself some slack.”
She tugged her hand away and slapped her thigh. “You just don’t get it. When I look at a guy I’m in love with, I need for him to see me as a woman. That’s it. Just a woman he wants to get naked. Not a woman who’s been raped. Not a woman who might break. Not a woman he needs to take care of.”
Hold Me Close Page 25
