Till Death

by Kol Anderson

  I toweled him off and then took him back to the bed. When I started tying him up, he looked at me with pleading eyes. “Trent, I’m in pain,” he said. “Please don’t tie me up. Please. I won’t go anywhere, I promise.”

  I gave it some thought. “I’m sorry kid,” I told him eventually. “I have to go out and get some essentials. I can’t risk you trying to leave again. But tell you what. When I come back, I can let you out of these restraints. That is if you’re good and don’t piss me off.”

  His face looked like he was going to have another panic attack but I didn’t really have a choice. There were things I needed to take care of. I shoved the gag in his mouth and just to make sure that he wouldn’t try anything, I turned on the TV and turned on the volume, not loud enough for the people around us to get disturbed but loud enough to ensure that if he tried to get stupid and call for help, no one would be able to hear him.

  Before I left, I kissed him on the cheek. “Bye, Justin. It will be nice to come back home to someone for a change.”

  9

  I looked at my hand and it was full of cuts and bruises, scrapes all over from hitting Justin. It was surreal. I was pumped full of adrenaline but it was more than just some stupid high. It was spiritual. The connection I had with that kid. He was mad at me but I would make it up to him.

  The cashier at the drive-through was incredibly rude. The joint was somewhat new but I liked that they served food fresher than any other place and even though they were basically a fast food joint, they always had a healthy menu available so if you were with someone who didn’t enjoy greasy food you could get them a kale salad or a tofu dish.

  I remember doing that once when I was going through one of my vegan phases. Well, it wasn’t supposed to be a phase but it only lasted for a few weeks because I kept feeling like everywhere I went, I was making it about myself by not being able to consume what they served me.

  I didn’t look at it as if it was selfish but others did, including Dom so I quit. It wasn’t as though I was going to act again or be in front of an audience because Dom had made sure I would never be able to do that again.

  A strange thought occurred to me. If Dominic knew what was going on between me and Justin would that be something he’d be interested in? I pictured the three of us in our bedroom, all hot and heavy and showing the boy the time of his life.

  I shrugged the thought away as soon it came because I couldn’t be thinking about that man. I should be thinking about Justin and what to do next.

  I smiled pleasantly at the cashier when I was driving away. I do it even people are mean to me and I do it even when people are being fucking creeps. I smiled pleasantly at the man Dominic was sleeping with and I smiled pleasantly at my mother when she told me I was the reason for all her failures in her life and for my father leaving.

  I smiled pleasantly at child services officer who visited our place rather frequently but never found any evidence to support the neighbors’ theories about our household.

  Things like this can make people isolated. The more you need people the farther away they will be. The lower you are in the food chain, the less people will care about you.

  We only like to think that we’re good people and we become self-righteous because we don’t just need to be good we need validation for being good. When it comes to acting on those self-righteous motivations we will always lack the initiative.

  Bystander syndrome they call it. You know it’s serious business when they have a name for it. The bystander effect, or bystander apathy, is a social psychological phenomenon in which individuals are less likely to offer help to a victim when other people are present. The greater the number of bystanders, the less likely it is that any one of them will help.

  Bystander syndrome is the reason people are able to jump off buildings and serial killers take their hostages joyriding across town and bystander syndrome is the reason a bunch of people get scarred for life by bullies. It’s the law of the jungle.

  Everyone is responsible for themselves. It doesn’t matter how fucked up they are and what their mental or physical condition, you’re supposed to take help from no one and if you expect a ‘handout’ you’ll be sorely disappointed.

  I met Dominic in a stupid little gay bar. This was back when he didn’t even identify as gay. He wasn’t exactly pretending to like women, he just wasn’t out of the closet which for a forty year old man was a bit ridiculous.

  Not ridiculous in the sense that he should have been forced to, I know how hard it can be to come out and step into a completely new reality. I would never force someone to do it, because I don’t know of their circumstances, I would never judge but still it just felt odd to me. How do you hide the fact that you frequent gay bars?

  I can’t imagine how hard that must be, keeping up the charade. Personally, I never had to come out exactly. Everyone always knew. Or at least they assumed until I made it clear to them.

  My mother was too out of it to bother figuring about what or who I was and I never had the chance to feel like I needed to hide from her because she was never looking for me in the first place. Dad, same. Never knew him. Never had the chance to disappoint him by coming out.

  I had one older brother and I had a really weird relationship with him. He called me when he was moving my mother into the assisted living facility where she still resides owing to her Alzheimer’s. My brother told me I had no reason to visit her because she no longer recognizes anyone.

  I had enough reasons of my own for not going to visit the person with whom every awful memory of my childhood is attached. Well, her and my brother Kevin both.

  I guess we Arlingtons can’t stand one another. It’s strange to think that if I saw my brother someday I wouldn’t even recognize him. Or maybe I would. Maybe I would always feel that connection to him, who knows.

  The point is it’s no longer relevant. I used to worry about these things before Dom but after him there was so much besides my lost family to think about and Dom always kept me busy.

  Whether it was taking care of him when he was sick from a weekend bender or to wonder endlessly about all the men I knew he was sleeping around with, some of whom had the gall to enter our home.

  When your only compass in life is some sociopath who lacked empathy, there’s not much you can do. Look into the abyss and all that. I couldn’t change him to be like me so I became like him.

  I tried pretty much everything. I tried being jealous and I tried not being jealous, and I tried being soft and sweet and fiery and sexy and I tried to leave the house dirty and I tried to keep it spanking clean. Talk about low self-esteem and fear of abandonment.

  I don’t think I ever knew I could offer someone more than what he’d turned me into, a pathetic version of himself. I was young and impressionable. I thought he knew what the fuck he was talking about but in the end, I realized he didn’t know shit.

  In the end, I realized that just because someone is older than you, doesn’t mean that they’re wiser or that they know more. That it might mean they know less in some cases.

  I held out hope though.

  I always held out hope. I thought if I worked hard and proved myself I would be loved. But in the end, everything I did just made me lonelier.

  Acting, when it was good it was good. I got everything I desired for a long time, money, stature, reviews, people were flocking toward me and it was evident that I would get somewhere.

  Everything was fine and that’s when Dom had another affair. Another guy he slept with who was in no way better than me. Just some sleazy, impressionable idiot who robbed us of our peace once more.

  Once more I started to leave and Dominic groveled and groveled and groveled… and when he went so far as to insinuate that I was leaving him because I was becoming a big shot, I had to take pause. I had to rethink my decision and when I stayed, I ended up staying for good.

  Living with Dominic was like having to change your parameters every five seconds and then adjusting accordingly. He
would go from being insanely jealous of the men I talked to, to completely giving me any attention at all. He would go from bringing me flowers every day to forgetting our anniversary.

  I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t keep the two things going together, it was either a career or being with the love of my life so of course I chose the latter. And of course, I’m still paying for that decision.

  The thing with choosing love over everything else is that love doesn’t last because most people don’t have a clue what it is.

  They mistake desire and lust for true love which is ridiculous but there’s nothing you can do about it. Love isn’t a temporary rush of endorphins you feel when you’re fucking someone raw in a Burger King bathroom.

  It’s not something temporary, something that is reliant on something we do or conditional. Love is a force of nature—it’s the way to keep our humanity.

  Love should make you less selfish, not more. Love is giving and taking but more giving than taking.

  Love is what you do, the effort you make all the time you’re with someone and not some flaky feeling that won’t last a week and you’ll have to find it again.

  Love is what you do. It’s who you become and the challenges you overcome. It’s not your bank account or the clothes you have on, it’s not a price tag.

  Endorphins can be made in a lab. True love cannot be made in some lab, it has to be felt and it has to be created within us.

  Love is great.

  It’s life-changing.

  As long as you don’t love the wrong guy. But I’m holding out hope. Just like I’ve always held out hope. I don’t want my life to be a series of events that never account for anything.

  I would rather be missed than be critically acclaimed.

  “What can I do you for?” the attendant at the pawn shop broke my train of thoughts and forced me back to the present.

  “What can I get for this?” I reached into my pocket and took out the gold pendant that belonged to my mother and I kept it because I wanted to feel close to her. I guess I won’t be needing that anymore.

  The guy practically shoved the pendant in his eye that’s how well he was scrutinizing that thing. “It’s real,” I said. “You knew that the minute I took it out of my pocket, so stop wasting my time.”

  “Well,” he paused. “What do you want for it?”

  “Look, I’ve been to these places before. I know exactly how much it’s worth out in the real world and in your shop. I know that you know I’m in a hurry to get this off my hands. So, how about we get to the point?”

  “How can I help you?”

  “That’s a better question. I need a few random items from your shop. Nothing big. It’s just I’m in a hurry and I don’t want to hit the store, it will be too out of the way.”

  “How do I know you won’t go around murdering people?”

  “Do you really care?”

  He made a face. He reached into the front drawer and took out a pill and stuck it in his mouth whatever it was it was in a shiny red capsule. “Take a look around,” he said. “See if you find something.”

  “That’s very kind of you,” I said and walked over to a huge box filled with camping gear. There was enough rope in there to tie a bear.

  “See anything you like?”

  I felt the rope and pictured it on Justin’s tiny wrists. “I think so,” I said. “I’m actually still looking, but I wanted to ask about those pills you just took.”

  “You mean my blood pressure medication?”

  “You’re younger than me.”

  “So?”

  “Never mind.”

  He paused and then spoke again. “If you know anyone who needs blood pressure medicine, I might know someone. I might know someone who has cures for other illnesses too if you’re interested.”

  I smiled pleasantly again. “I’d like that.”

  10

  Right in the motel parking lot, I was bombarded with the worst coughing fit. I waited for it to subside but eventually I had to take the medicine from the glove compartment because it was the only way I could go back to the room. For some reason, I didn’t want Justin to know about the illness.

  I went in and saw Justin on the bed, still drowsy from the dose of tranquilizer from earlier.

  He opened his heavy-lidded eyes and it seemed as though he couldn’t remember who I was and it was a little funny.

  I placed the food aside for now and went over to the bed. “Hey,” I said, running my fingers over his face. “Sorry it took so long. Did you miss me?”

  “Please… let me go.”

  “Looks like your memory came back. And not a moment too soon because what’s about to happen next, I want you to be at least mostly conscious for it.”

  No response from the boy but that was about to change. I released his limbs from their confines. I sat on the lower edge of the bed and forced him to lie on his belly. “Trent…”

  “Shhh…” I quieted him down and reached for the filled syringe in my pants pocket. I lowered my face to Justin’s ear and let him see the hypodermic.

  “What is that?”

  “This is a magic potion,” I told him. “When this goes inside you, you will become more accommodating. It will keep you awake and you’ll be to feel everything, pain or pleasure, but it will take away most of your resistance by relaxing your muscles and making it impossible for you to move them voluntarily.”

  “Don’t do it, please!”

  “This will keep you from screaming too,” I plunged the syringe in his shoulder and emptied the contents into his blood stream.

  The chemicals worked fast. I could feel the tension leave his body as the chemical went further down the brain and his whole body loosened up. I tossed the syringe aside.

  I spread his legs apart. His pink puckered hole looked enticing. There was only a smattering of fine brown hair surrounding it. “Fuck, would you look at that?” I sighed. “It would be a travesty not to share it.”

  Justin mumbled something that I couldn’t hear. The drugs made him compliant and took his body away from his control.

  “There’s a reason I brought you here,” I explained. “A reason I chose this particular motel.”

  There was a knock on the door. It wasn’t a regular knock. I recognized it quickly and got up to answer.

  When I opened the door, about five of them stood outside waiting patiently. One was clearly new, he kept fidgeting and wiping his sweat. The others, it was obvious this wasn’t their first rodeo. “Can we come in?” the sleaziest one of the group asked. His hands were dirty and he looked like he had been driving a truck all night and decided to come here anyway. The other four were people he said he knew from work or otherwise, and they were all fine specimens of the blue collar system.

  “Come on in,” I placed a hand my gun to remind myself that I could take them all down if they fucked with me at any point. They were here to play a role and get their own reward in the form of a gorgeous boy like Justin who they couldn’t dream of touching in the real world.

  They introduced themselves but I was certain they were all fake names. The tallest, sleaziest one was called Mike. The others were Nick, Ian, Ray and Ferret. Yes, that was the name the new guy gave me, no joke.

  They all saw Justin on the bed in that way and I could sense their excitement.

  They were waiting for me to give them a cue. I walked up to the bed and sat on the edge. I grabbed Justin’s ass and used both my hands to slowly pry his cheeks apart.

  The men stood speechless when they saw that. Justin was no longer in control of his body, it was me. “You see folks,” I began. “Tonight, we are on a mission. This one’s way too tight for my liking. We’re going to change that tonight. But how about we go slow?”

  The men nodded their approval.

  “Who wants to go first?”

  Mike raised his hand with a nasty grin. “I’ll go.”

  He came to the bed and I kept the boy opened up for him. “Why don’t you start by usi
ng your fingers,” I directed him.

  Mike spit on his index finger and I watched that dirty finger make way into Justin’s hole, and I watched the look on Mike’s face as he tried to get that finger deeper, deeper down.

  There was movement from Justin but not enough to disturb us. There was also a moan and I couldn’t tell if it was because he was feeling pleasure regardless of the circumstances or if it was some kind of protest.

  “How about one more?”

  Mike spit on two fingers and inserted those filthy digits inside Justin.

  It was strange.

  The filthier the finger the more it would entice me. It wasn’t just his pleasure or his beauty that aroused me but the humiliation and degradation of it all. And the thought that I could do anything I wanted.

  Mike’s fingers were working their way inside Justin’s hole and within seconds they disappeared into him. I watched Mike move them around in there and I held Justin open for the invasion.

  “Who’s next?”

  Ferret came next, the guy replaced Mike and thrust two fingers inside Justin and his fingers were worse than Mike’s, filthy and they were thicker.

  By the time he was replaced by the third guy, they were all getting hornier and started to need more.

  When the fifth guy inserted his thick, roughened fingers inside Justin, Justin was starting to come awake. He was moaning and I knew he was enjoying this even though he wasn’t all there, he would grind his hips and move when a finger entered him or when someone got close to his prostate.

  Nick was the last to insert his fingers and when he was done he asked me if he could taste the boy. “Go ahead,” I told him and watched as the man used his fingers to keep Justin open and placed his tongue on the boy’s hole and started tonguing him and licking and I could tell he was getting aroused by the kid’s sweet scent.

  “Anyone else wants a taste?” I asked the room and two more stood in line and waited for Nick to finish.