Fix You

by Carrie Elks

  “Are you coming in or what?” Ruby impatiently pulled open the front door. “You’ve been standing there for hours.”

  Hanna smiled, and ran lightly up the stairs. “Happy birthday, darling.” Throwing her arms around Ruby, she squeezed her tightly.

  “I’m so glad you could come. I was worried you wouldn’t.”

  “And miss Tom’s performance? I can’t wait to watch you fan girl all over him.” Hanna watched as Ruby’s cheeks flushed.

  “I don’t fan girl, I just think he’s a really good singer.”

  “You keep telling yourself that.” Hanna winked and handed Ruby her present. “Don’t show this to Claire or Steven. I wanted to get you something pretty to wear in bed.”

  “Is it sexy?”

  “No!” It was Hanna’s turn to blush. “But it is pretty and sophisticated, as befits a young lady. I’m not sure your parents would understand.”

  As she stepped inside the hallway, a feeling of familiarity washed over her, like walking into a half-remembered dream. Everything still looked the same.

  “Tom told me to bring you straight to him. He’s set up in the den.” Ruby grabbed hold of Hanna’s hand and pulled her over to the stairs leading down to the basement. “He’s going to start his set in about half an hour.”

  “Has he told you what he’s going to play yet?” Hanna asked, wondering if she would be able to blog about it later.

  “No, he wants it to be a surprise.”

  They reached the bottom of the stairs, and Hanna could hear Tom plucking at the strings of his Les Paul guitar. As soon as they walked into the room, Tom looked up through his thick golden lashes and gave her a big grin.

  “Hey you.”

  “Hi.” She felt like a child who had just found her comfort blanket. Suddenly she could breathe again.

  “Have you told her?” He had turned to Ruby, a slight frown marring his brow.

  “Not yet, I thought we’d better do it down here.”

  “Told me what?” Hanna asked, a feeling of apprehension washing over her.

  “Mum and Dad want to see you.” Ruby blurted, her eyes darting over to Tom as she realized she had let the cat out of the bag.

  “Right now?” Somehow she thought she’d have time before seeing them. She was so unprepared for their reactions to her reappearance in Ruby’s life.

  Tom rose from his chair and carefully placed his guitar in the stand. Walking over to the two of them, he put his arms around both girls.

  “It’s going to be okay. You had to see them again sometime.”

  “But I’m not ready. I don’t know what to say.” Somehow “sorry” didn’t seem to cover it.

  “It’s the perfect place to see them again. It’s a party, and you can’t even hear yourself think.”

  Hanna stepped backwards and sank down into the overstuffed plaid sofa, her heart racing at the thought of having to explain to Claire why she disappeared from all their lives. From her therapy, she knew it was a necessary step to rebuild her relationships and reopen the dialogue. Now she was baulking, wanting to delay the inevitable. She wasn’t sure she could stand the rejection, or the look of derision she was bound to see in their eyes.

  “Do they know I’m here yet?” It had been months since her last panic attack, but she recognized the signals immediately. She needed to get control of her breathing and work on getting the negative thoughts out of her mind. God, why wasn’t she taking the medication anymore?

  “I told them you’d be here pretty soon. They’ve already seen Tom—“

  “They’re delighted you’re coming, you have nothing to worry about,” Tom added.

  “You weren’t the one who left their son.” Hanna pointed out. “Of course they’ll be pleased to see you.”

  “We all know you weren’t well, Hanna.” Ruby stroked her hair. When did their roles get so switched? “You weren’t yourself, but you’re better now. Richard doesn’t hold a grudge, and neither do my parents.”

  Closing her eyes, she reminded herself nothing was going to hurt her; she was going to be okay. She repeated the mantra her therapist had taught her: my heart is still beating, I am still breathing, I can do this. She inhaled through her nose, then exhaled through her mouth, gradually slowing her intake of air until her heart rate had calmed into a slow, rhythmic pattern.

  “I’m okay.” She attempted a reassuring smile. “I haven’t had one of those for a while.”

  Ruby looked frightened, worrying her lip with her teeth as she continued to stare at her with wide eyes. “I’ll just tell them to stay away, Hanna. You don’t have to see them.”

  Hanna turned in her chair to look at Ruby face on. “I’ll be fine.” Her voice was stronger, and she hoped, reassuring. “I need to see them sometime. After all, we’re almost family.”

  She had barely spoken before Ruby threw her arms around Hanna, nuzzling into her neck. “I’m so pleased you’re back for good. I missed you so much.”

  “I missed you, too.” Hanna found her eyes watering as she hugged her back. “I really did.”

  CLAIRE WAS STANDING in the kitchen when Hanna finally found the courage to go and find her. It was like the clock had turned back seven years, and Hanna was seventeen again; unsure of herself and her place in life, feeling inferior compared to the rich Larsen family and their social confidence.

  The absence of Richard was like a knife to the gut. Everywhere she looked there were reminders of what she’d had, and what she’d lost. A love so foolishly discarded. More than ever, she wanted to turn the clock back, to be that girl again, the one who joked with the Larsens, and helped her mum out at parties

  “Hi.”

  Claire turned around, her blank expression transforming into a bright smile as she put her hand on her heart. “Oh, Hanna, I can’t believe you’re here.” Dropping the napkin she held in her hand, she ran around the counter and over to the door, pulling Hanna into an all-encompassing embrace.

  Hanna froze at first, surprised at the enthusiasm of Claire’s welcome. A moment later, she hugged her back, burying her head in Claire’s shoulders as she felt the first hot tears emerge from her eyes. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been held, not like this, and it reminded her so starkly of what she’d lost. Not just Diana—although her mother’s death had been devastating enough—but Richard, too.

  A moment passed before she lifted her head from Claire’s shoulder, wiping the tears from her cheeks as she did. Claire moved her hands to Hanna’s bare upper arms and stepped backward, looking at her with a sad smile tugging at her lips.

  “I’ve missed you so much. Don’t you ever run off again.”

  Her reprimand made Hanna smile through the tears. Claire pulled her into the kitchen, pushing the door behind them to give them privacy, and some protection from the loud bass pumping out from the music system.

  “I’m so sorry, Claire.” Hanna swallowed hard in an attempt to prevent herself from breaking down. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Or maybe I wasn’t thinking.”

  “You were in mourning for your mother, it wasn’t your fault. I know you needed space, but I prayed every day you’d come home to us.”

  “Like a prodigal daughter?” Hanna tried to joke, though the sobs were a giveaway.

  “Like a much loved family member, Hanna, and you are loved so very much. I hope you know that.”

  “I was so frightened you’d hate me for running away.”

  “I could never hate you.” Claire was crying now, too. Inky, grey tears streaked her cheeks, winding down her face. They were both going to need a touch-up before they could be seen in public again. “I couldn’t blame you anyway, you were so sad and depressed, and reaching out for something you couldn’t find. I hoped you’d manage to discover a level of peace in Australia.”

  Hanna closed her eyes and thought of her time in Sydney. At first she had been lost; realizing the misery she was running away from had followed her across the world. It had been a stark wake-up call, and one
which hit her hard. But, bit by bit, she managed to climb her way out of the pit of despair. It hadn’t been easy or quick, and she had fallen more times than she cared to remember, but eventually she made it out into the bright light of day.

  “I’m working on the finding peace part,” she admitted wryly, “although it’s easier said than done.”

  “Why don’t you tell me about this new job you’ve got? Ruby says it’s something to do with blogging, whatever a blog is?”

  For the first time a genuine grin crossed Hanna’s face, lighting up her eyes as she began to speak. “An old colleague has set up a website for music reviews, although she wants to expand it to include other stuff, too. I’m the music editor, which is fantastic, and although, at the moment it’s just me, I’m recruiting some freelancers to help out.”

  Claire stood watching her, a smile pulling up at the corner of her lips. “You look so animated when you talk about work, it’s beautiful to see.”

  “It was the only thing keeping me sane,” Hanna admitted. “When everything else was going to hell, it was something I could rely on.”

  “You could have relied on us, too.” Claire’s voice was low. “I want you to remember that, if you ever feel so low again.”

  The nerves returned as Hanna realized just how much her rejection must have hurt. If Claire was feeling this bad, then what the hell had she done to Richard?

  “I will.” Her legs were shaking, and she leaned on the kitchen counter to stop herself from falling. “Thank you for being so kind—”

  She was interrupted by the sudden opening of the door and the swell of music it created. They both turned their heads to see Steven standing there, dressed in a pair of grey trousers and a blue sweater, his blond hair falling over his forehead.

  “There you are. I think Ruby is ready for us to join them in the den.” Steven smiled at Claire before realizing there was someone else there. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interru—”

  He stopped talking the moment his eyes fell on Hanna. His mouth dropped open.

  “Oh, Steven, Hanna came to the party, just like she promised Ruby she would.”

  Hanna looked at Steven and saw a man torn by his emotions. It was like part of him wanted to celebrate her return, and the other part was angry she left in the first place. She wasn’t sure which side would win.

  “Hello, Steven.”

  “Hanna.” His response was terse.

  From the corner of her eye, she could see Claire gesturing at him, although she couldn’t make out what she was trying to signal. Steven raised his eyebrows and gave a slight nod. “How are you?”

  “I’m good, thanks.” She sounded so stilted and false, no wonder he was staring at her.

  “You had us all worried for a while, especially Richard.”

  “Steven!” Claire’s voice was a warning.

  “It’s okay, Claire, I know he’s right. How is Richard doing?”

  Steven walked forward and stopped in front of Hanna, his height making her feel dwarfed in comparison. He reminded her so much of Richard, from the way he stood, to the way he talked, and it both hurt and comforted her.

  “I’m not going to lie to you, Hanna. He took it very hard.” His words were controlled, like he was acting as a check on himself. “For a while he was as depressed as you were, but he’s doing much better now. He seems to have moved on with his life, and accepted you’re not coming back.”

  His words clattered around her mind like a can being kicked down an alleyway. It was too late. In her effort to save herself, she had killed their relationship and any respect he must have for her. Feeling a fresh sting of tears against her eyelids, she squeezed them shut again, reminding herself this was supposed to be a happy occasion; it was her best friend’s birthday, and she was going to do her damnedest to celebrate.

  Sixteen

  March 12th 2008

  Hanna was deliberately running late, driving Tom mad with her procrastinating as she went back into the house. First, she had to check she’d turned the heating off. Then she wanted to make sure she had unplugged her hair straighteners. Finally, she went back in to make sure she had switched the burglar alarm back on, having turned it off the previous two times.

  She knew she was putting off the inevitable, but it really didn’t make her feel any better.

  “Are you sure you want to go through with this?” Tom reached out and took her hand, keeping his other palm steady on the steering wheel as his car idled outside her apartment.

  “Not really.” Hanna swallowed down the feeling of nausea. She reminded herself she had gone through much worse than this before.

  “We don’t have to stay for too long. Let’s watch the ceremony, drink the free alcohol, then drive back to town and have a party for two.”

  Hanna smirked. Their parties for two nowadays had toned down to a cup of tea in front of the evening news. Some days she felt much older than her twenty-five years.

  “I’m not going to let the Larsens down, Tom. I promised them a real-life celebrity at the wedding, and by God they’re going to get one.”

  Her words caused Tom to glance in the rear-view mirror. The usual black utility vehicle was following behind them, driven by his security advisor. It had amused Hanna when she first met Damon, and she found herself constantly quoting from The Bodyguard. She had no greater wish than to see Damon carry Tom away from a perceived threat. It would have made her day.

  “They want me to take the heat off them,” Tom muttered. The prevalence of cell phone cameras were making his life a misery. He was constantly complaining he “couldn’t even take a slash without it being on Perez Hilton the next day.”

  “You’re going to stay with me at all times, right?” she asked, leaning forward to switch on the radio, wincing when the drum and bass came out at full volume. “Jesus, how can you stand to listen to this shit?”

  “Would you rather I was playing a Fatal Limits album?” Tom looked amused. “Because I might have a few in the glove box.”

  Hanna turned and stared at him, her eyes narrowing. “The new one?”

  “Do you mean the recently recorded, unedited, unreleased version?” Tom was still drumming his fingers against the steering wheel in time to the cacophony emanating from the car stereo.

  “No.” Hanna deadpanned. “I only like hearing your old songs.”

  Slapping at her thigh, he reached across her and pulled open the glove box. All the CDs he had pushed inside came tumbling out onto Hanna’s legs, some falling around her feet, making her scramble around to pick them up.

  Ignoring her remonstrations, Tom picked up a blank CD and pushed it into the stereo, the soft sounds of a piano soothing Hanna’s ears.

  He lasted a couple of minutes into the first song before he asked her what she thought.

  By this time, she had stuffed the glove compartment full again and snapped it closed, making a mental note to never let it be opened in her presence. It was an accident waiting to happen.

  “It’s a change from the last album,” she ventured, her brow dipping as she concentrated on the music, noting the guitar-based band was going heavy on the electronics. A discordant bass seemed to thread its way through all the tracks.

  “We wanted to try something new.” Tom attempted a nonchalant shrug, then noticing Hanna’s concentration, he shut up and let her listen.

  They remained silent throughout their hour-long journey. Hanna was so intent on listening to the music, she barely noticed when Tom pulled the car into the driveway and came to a halt. It was only when she looked up that she realized they were at the venue, ready to see the eldest Larsen son be married off to his fiancée of a year.

  She let out a puff of air, staring straight ahead at the dashboard as she reminded herself she gave up the right to feel this way three years ago.

  Richard had every reason to move on. She had all but begged him to. She had told him there was no hope for them, and she didn’t want him to follow her.

  So why the
hell did she feel so low?

  “You ready?” Tom pulled the key from the ignition and leaned toward the rear-view mirror, pulling his lips over his teeth and rubbing them with his finger, as if he was checking for bits in between them.

  “Yes.” Hanna pulled the door open and slid her legs around, smoothing the tight blue dress over her thighs. The heels of her stilettos buried themselves into the gravel, and she found herself having to work extra hard to walk across the driveway.

  “Wipe that smirk off your face, McLean,” she growled, as Tom watched her efforts with amusement. “Otherwise you’re gonna have to carry me.”

  “I’d love to, but I’ve got a world tour coming up. I don’t want to do myself an injury.”

  They were ushered into the main ballroom, which had been set up for the wedding ceremony. Hanna and Tom sat in the back row of chairs, both of them hoping to dip somewhere under the radar—albeit for different reasons.

  The few minutes before the ceremony was due to begin allowed Hanna the chance to look around without being watched, and she luxuriated in her anonymity. She could see Claire and Steven, seated in the front row, along with Ruby and Claire’s mother, Lillian, who was still going strong at 93.

  Then Hanna’s heart began to race.

  In front of them, Richard and Nathan stood to the right of the room. Neither could stand still, and she watched as Nathan jabbed Richard in the side, swiftly followed by a return slap on the arm from Richard. Claire leaned forward and said something to them and, whatever it was, it made them both crack up in laughter. Hanna gasped as she saw Richard’s profile as he turned, the sunlight through the front window creating a halo effect behind his head.

  He was still as beautiful as she remembered. She traced the line of Richard’s straight nose, past his lips and to his razor-sharp jaw. She couldn’t tell from here if he was clean shaven—although she assumed he was—but somewhere in her mind the memory of breakfasts in bed, stubbled jaws and clothes strewn around the room, came to the surface, causing a prick of tears to her eyes.