by Carrie Elks
“You’re driving me crazy,” he confessed, tracing tiny circles on her skin. “Every part of you.”
Her breath hitched. Memories from earlier in the evening played on her mind; vivid reminders of how close they had come to consummating their burgeoning relationship. As he sat on the bed, his strong body dwarfing hers, she found herself wanting to submit to his possession.
He drew a line up her spine with his hand, resting on her neck for a moment before he dragged it around, spreading his fingers across her throat.
“Just here,” he whispered, “I can feel your pulse jumping beneath your skin, and the way your breath catches in your throat.
Hanna said nothing, watching his green eyes heat up, his tongue snaking out to moisten his lips.
He moved his hand to her chest, to the dip between her breasts, his fingers strong against her damp skin. “And here, I can feel how fast your heart is beating.” He splayed his fingers out, moving his palm until it brushed across her nipple, his rough skin causing her sensitive peak to harden. She gasped as a pleasurable sensation shot straight between her legs.
He rolled her nipple between his thumb and forefinger, the pleasure becoming a steady pulse between her thighs. She looked at him beneath half-closed lids, his face dark as it revealed an expression of raw emotion.
“Please kiss me.” She arched her body against him, her lips trembling as he leaned down to capture them. His soft breath fanned against her face, warming and exciting her. He took his time, his kiss slow and soft, making her want so much more. He dragged his lips from hers, snaking a trail down her neck.
“Richard…” She closed her eyes and felt the sensation of his lips sucking at her skin. It made her nipples pebble, the heat between her thighs becoming damp and needy.
He tugged at her camisole, pulling it from her body, and pushing her shorts down until she was a naked, quivering mess.
“You’re so beautiful.” His stare was heated, and she felt her body reflect the warmth of it. “Every single inch of you is perfect.” He reached out to touch her neck with the pad of his finger, drawing a line from it to her breasts, teasing her nipple before trailing down to her stomach. She felt herself flinch with embarrassment as he traced the faded silver lines of her stretch marks
“They’re really ugly.” Hanna reached out to take his hand, trying to move it from her stomach.
“They’re not ugly, they’re amazing.” Richard shook his head, leaning down to kiss them with an open mouth. “They’re a reminder of what we made, of what you carried. They’re you.” He followed them with his lips, leading to the base of her hips, his breath hot as he stared at her body. His hands were soft yet firm on her thighs as he gently urged them apart. She could feel him blow against her fevered center, his lips worshipping her body, as his words did her soul. He pushed his tongue inside, steadying her flailing thighs with his strong hands. She moaned loudly, bucking against him, hands curling into his coarse hair as he dragged her to a peak.
Hanna closed her eyes, surrendering herself to the sensation, her body tensing beneath his touch. She could hear herself gasping as he increased the pressure, pushing her to the edge, her hands gripping the sheets as he tipped her over, her insides clenching with pleasure as she moaned his name over and again. She arched her back, her orgasm suffusing her body until she was only half conscious of reality.
She was vaguely aware of him shedding his clothes as she came back down from her high. He drew himself up, his body heavy on hers. His hardness dug into her hip, its heavy weight as reassuring as its rigidity. She reached down and curled her hands around him, running her thumb around the tip, spreading the moisture beading there.
“Do I need a condom?” His voice was urgent, and she felt him pump against her hand. She squeezed tighter, drawing a moan from his lips.
“I’m covered.”
And she was, every inch of her was dominated by his body above her. She closed her eyes, trying not to cry out as she felt him line up against her, his tip stretching her as he tried to still his hips. He was everything she remembered, everything she wanted and hoped he would be. She was drowning beneath his touch.
“Open your eyes.” His voice was rough in her ear. Her lids fluttered open, tears spilling out as she returned his heated gaze, her heart stuttering as she saw the intense emotion behind his stare. His lips were dry above his tense jaw, and she reached out a finger and ran the tip across his mouth.
“Please, Richard…” She pushed against his hips. He reached down to still her movement, his heated gaze locked on her. Her heart pounded against her rib cage.
“Give me a moment.”
She stopped moving and gazed back at him. They breathed heavily in unison, and she waited for him to move, and strip away the last fragment of sanity remaining in her grasp.
“Now.” He flexed his hips, sliding inside until she was so full it made her sigh. The sensation was overwhelming, and she could feel hot tears slide down her cheeks, her emotions too raw to contain.
“I love you…” Her words were breath. They danced through the air like an invisible thread, drawing them together.
“Love you…” A gasp, a promise. He said it again, just to hear the words.
His lips crashed against hers, their tongues tangling as her salty tears mixed with their kiss. She reached up, her hand cupping his jaw, her eyes gleaming with every emotion he wrung from her body.
“Love…”
WHEN HANNA FINALLY woke up the next morning, Richard was already dressed and Matty was in bed with her, his chubby arms wrapped around her neck.
“He’s been awake for a while,” Richard admitted, the dark circles beneath his eyes a testament to his broken sleep. “I brought him in to bed with us just before six.”
“He’s such a monkey.” She buried her head in Matty’s soft curls, inhaling the powdery aroma of his baby shampoo. “Are you leaving already?”
“I’ve an eight o’clock meeting.” Richard was knotting his tie. She wanted to reach out and drag him back into bed with it. After last night’s revelations she felt exhausted, like she could sleep for a thousand years. If she was going to hibernate, she wanted him there as well.
“I meant to ask you something last night.” Matty sat up and crawled across the bed, launching himself at Richard’s suit-clad legs. Richard caught him just in time, making him laugh as he swung him up in the air. “That therapist you spoke to yesterday, does he give discounts for referrals?”
Richard caught her eye, his expression soft as he smiled at her. “I’m an expert negotiator.”
“I want us to make a fresh start. Maybe we can talk things through with him as a couple?”
She knew their history couldn’t be erased in a few moments of bliss. Richard’s frantic arrival yesterday told her they had issues they needed to resolve. For the first time, she felt confident they could work through them together.
“I’ll call him today,” he promised, leaning down to capture her lips with his own. He dropped Matty onto the mattress next to her. He bounced on the springs, liking it so much that he scrambled to his feet and jumped up again.
“Meet me for lunch,” Richard suggested, shrugging his jacket on. She stared at him, trying not to lick her lips as she took in his gorgeous body, perfectly attired in a Gucci suit.
“You really want to let this one loose in your office?” Matty was still bouncing, and Hanna pulled him toward her, grabbing him around the waist as she tickled his belly.
“I’ll get Lisa to order some toys in. I can’t go a whole day without seeing you.” His brows knitted into a frown. “Maybe we need to talk to the shrink about co-dependency as well.”
Hanna laughed. “We may as well get our money’s worth. We’ll be able to throw in parental abandonment, too.”
Richard leaned across the bed and kissed her again. “Are you sure you’re okay after yesterday?”
“I feel surprisingly fine. It wasn’t as if we didn’t expect your mom to go ape-shit. As
for my dad, we’ll just have to see where things go.” She let Matty curl his arms around her neck, his face buried in her shoulder. “The two most important people in my world are in this room. I don’t care about anything else.
“I’m going to miss you this morning.” He ruffled Matty’s hair, causing him to squeal in protest, “both of you.”
“If you don’t leave soon you’re going to miss your meeting.” Pulling the bedcovers around her, she leaned forward to push him away from the bed. Richard caught her wrists in his hands, pulling her toward him until her face was buried in his chest. Matty was sandwiched between them, wriggling with amusement.
“I’d prefer to stay here,” he murmured, burying his head in her hair.
“Go!” She laughed.
He released her, pressing a final kiss on each of them. “I’ll see you at twelve,” he reminded her as he left. She picked up a rolled up pair of socks and threw it after him, missing by a mile.
Pulling Matty into a hug, she watched Richard’s retreating back, a warm fire of contentment burning in her body. She couldn’t stop the smile from creeping across her face as she realized that finally, after so much time, they’d both got exactly what they wanted.
Each other.
Twenty Seven
December 31st 2012
The caterers had arrived at the crack of dawn to prepare the house for the annual New Year’s Eve gathering. Hanna watched them in the kitchen creating tray after tray of canapés and desserts. Her heart clenched as she remembered the way her mum would direct proceedings, her radio in one hand and a cell phone in the other, shouting down both mouthpieces at the same time.
“Are you okay?” Claire reached out a hand and stroked her cheek. “I’m so happy you agreed to come.”
“We wouldn’t be anywhere else.”
The three of them had flown into London on Christmas Eve, planning to spend the festivities with Steven and Claire. The entire family had delighted in sharing their first Christmas with Matty. Hanna fell in love with the family all over again, their adoration for her son evident in everything they did.
“It must bring back memories, though. Sometimes I find it so hard to believe your mother isn’t with us anymore.”
Tears formed in the corners of Hanna’s eyes. She reached up to wipe them away, determined not to spoil the day with sad memories. She was ready to make good ones—for Matty and the rest of the family—though it was hard to forget the past.
“I’m so sad she never got to meet Matty. She would have loved to watch him run around the house like it’s a giant playground.” Hanna closed her eyes for a moment. She could almost picture Diana’s delighted smile.
“You know, if she could see you now, she’d be as proud of you as I am.” Claire pulled her into an embrace, and Hanna wrapped her arms around her, closing her eyes as she allowed herself to be loved.
“Do you really think so? I’m pretty sure if she was here now, she’d be hitting me around the head with a wooden spoon.”
Claire didn’t reply, and after a moment Hanna pulled back to look at her. Claire’s face had frozen, and Hanna was fearful enough to reach out and give her arm a little shake.
“Oh my goodness, I forgot about the recordings.” Claire put a hand against her chest, looking crestfallen. “All those messages she left for you. They’re in a box in the study.”
“Recordings?” Hanna asked, confused. “What recordings?”
“Don’t you remember our project, the one in the nursing home? Diana recorded messages for you. I was supposed to give them to you at specific times; your wedding, your first child. I can’t believe I forgot. I should have given you the first one when I learned about Matty.”
“Can I listen to it now?” Hanna could feel the excitement course through her body. In the years since Diana’s death, memories of mother had become thinner, like a piece of elastic pulled too tight. Sometimes she couldn’t remember exactly how she sounded. And now, to know there was a recording—and those words were meant for her—was almost too much to bear.
“Of course you can.” Claire grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the kitchen, and they made their way down to the basement. In the corner, behind a large oak door, was Steven’s office.
“What did you use to record her?” Hanna was all too aware of the deterioration qualities of certain media.
“I used a Dictaphone, and had them put onto a CD. Diana was very specific.”
Inside the office, Claire pulled a CD from the shelf. The blank, plastic cover reflected the light streaming through the window. She passed it to Hanna who held it for a moment, turning the plastic sleeve over in her hands. Her mind went back to those dark days of 2005, when Diana’s death had caused her to lose so much more than just a mother.
“I don’t know if you want to listen to them all, or just the one about your first child. After all you’ve been through, I don’t think Diana would be angry if you wanted more.”
“I think I want to hear them all, if I can.” She hugged the CD to her chest. “Will I have time, before the boys are back?”
Steven and Richard had taken Matty to the park, hoping to wear him out enough for him to sleep through the party. Hanna suspected it might be Steven and Richard who turned out to be exhausted when they got back.
“We didn’t get to record too much. She was very weak; she couldn’t talk for too long.” Claire bit her lip, looking down at the floor. “If they get back before you finish, I’ll stall them.”
“Will you stay for the first one?” Hanna wasn’t sure if she could listen alone. She already felt jittery, like the merest touch could send her on a crying jag.
“I’ll stay as long as you want, sweetheart.”
Hanna pulled the CD player toward them, lifting the lid to place the first shiny disc inside. She started to press play, but Claire shook her head, reaching out to press the forward button. “Why don’t you listen to the one about your first child? It seems the appropriate place to start.”
“Okay.” Hanna nodded, sitting down on Steven’s expensive black chair. There was a small crackle from the speakers before a slight hum started, signaling the recording was working.
“Hanna…” Diana’s voice was thin, like a leaf on the wind. Hearing it transported her back to a time when she was a daughter, not a mother. “I’m not sure how this works anymore. I’ve recorded a message for your wedding, but so many people have children before they get married. Either way, I want to tell you how proud I am of you.” There was a pause, followed by soft murmuring. She could imagine Claire helping Diana to drink some water. “Congratulations, my beautiful girl, on having a child of your own. I know you’ll make a great mother, like you were the best daughter. I’m only sorry I can’t be there to hold my grandchild in my arms, and to reassure you whenever you start second guessing yourself.” There was another pause, and this time Hanna could feel the tears start to pour down her face. She didn’t bother to wipe them away; there were too many, and she needed to let them out. “If I had to give you one piece of advice as one mother to another, it would be to savor everything. Being a mother isn’t easy, but every moment is a gift, and it’s been my privilege to watch you grow up into the amazing girl you are today. Make sure you take the time to enjoy being a mother. Play, sing, and dance with your child. Don’t let time steal these precious moments away from you.” Hanna was openly sobbing, her body wrapped in Claire’s arms. “I love you so much, Hanna; you and my grandchild. I’ll always be here, in your memories and your heart.”
The white noise of the recording faded away to nothing, and Hanna reached out her hand, wanting to stop the CD before it progressed to the next section. She was going to listen to them all—she needed to—but first she had to take some time to assimilate the miracle of hearing her dead mother’s voice.
“Thank you,” she whispered into Claire’s shoulders as the older woman held her tightly. “I’m so grateful you gave this to me.”
Claire said nothing, reaching out a ha
nd to wipe the tears from Hanna’s cheeks. Her light blue eyes were soft and kind, and Hanna could see the love spilling out of them. She was so lucky to have had a loving mother, and now a caring surrogate. She was determined to look after Matty the way they’d both taken care of her.
RICHARD RETURNED LATER that afternoon, carrying a tired Matty in his arms. Steven trailed behind them, his whole demeanor wracked with exhaustion. Hanna had cleaned up her face, having listened to the recordings twice before putting the CD back in its box. She planned to take them back home when they flew back to New York.
Laying Matty down on the sofa, Richard pulled his tiny shoes from his feet and unzipped his bulky jacket. Hanna reached out to cup her son’s cheeks, cold and rosy from the London wind. Matty giggled at her touch, as he tried to fight against the fatigue claiming his body.
“Did Daddy wear you out?” she asked. Richard laughed, as he pulled her into an embrace.
“Matty wore us out, that’s for sure,” he said, running his lips across her neck. She reacted automatically, her body firing up in response to his touch. “But I’m hoping he’ll sleep well tonight.”
She didn’t fail to catch the unspoken hint behind his words. It made her smile.
They fed him early, bathing him and putting him in a clean set of pajamas. Steven and Claire had created a nursery on the second floor, and it was filled with toys they had given Matty for Christmas. The three of them sat on the soft carpet, building towers with large plastic bricks. Hanna and Richard raced to see who could build the tallest, and when they fell down Matty clapped with pleasure. By seven, he was all but keeling over, his eyelids heavy with the sleep he was trying to fight.
Hanna read The Grinch, making Matty laugh with her silly voices and funny expressions. When she reached the final lines, Richard joined in, his timbre deep and playful. She wanted to run into his arms and kiss the hell out of him.
