Secrets of My Hollywood Life: Family Affairs

by Jen Calonita

  WHAT? Wait a minute — Tom gave in? “He never gives in when you throw a fit like that,” I whisper.

  Sky seems surprised too. “I know,” she pouts.

  Oh. My. God. The shoot! “We have to get out there before Alexis sees us,” I realize.

  “Renee, find me something tight, long, and slinky. And make it snappy,” Alexis demands now that Tom is out of earshot.

  When Alexis follows Renee into the closet, I dash out of the dressing room with Sky right on my Gucci heels. Sky and I race down the dressing room hallway to the sound-stage, slipping and sliding as we fight over who is getting through the doorway first.

  “HA!” Sky announces triumphantly as she squeezes past me.

  “Show-off,” I grumble.

  “Are you okay?” Matty asks me. “You look upset.” I look around and realize other people are staring too. Sky and I usually don’t stand within twenty feet of each other when the camera isn’t rolling.

  “Yeah, Matty, we’re fine,” I assure him even though I’m still shaking from what I overheard with Alexis. I can’t believe it, but maybe my suspicions about Alexis were dead-on. Wait till I tell Nadine. “Are you ready for your first big FA photo shoot?” I ask, changing the subject. I ruffle his hair.

  “Don’t mess the ’do,” he complains with a grin. “So where’s Alexis?” he asks. I frown.

  “Queen Alexis didn’t want to wear the same color dress as us so she’s taking her sweet time getting out here,” Sky snaps.

  Matt pales. “Oh. I, um, was just asking because I’m in the next scene and I only have three and a half hours left to work today and I don’t want to miss out,” Matty says.

  “You have two lines. I’m sure they’ll be able to squeeze it in,” Sky snaps.

  “HEY. I know you’re upset about what just happened, but don’t take this out on my brother,” I admonish.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sky hisses. “I’m completely fine.”

  She must have stood on her head too long this morning during her yoga class.

  Before either of us says another word, Tom appears, looking in dire need of a double shot of espresso.

  “People, we’re ready,” he says. Sweat is pouring down his bald head and fogging up his glasses as he walks across the stage. Alexis races in right behind him. Our executive producer looks like a munchkin next to Alexis the giant. She stands at his side, looking cool and relaxed in a green Diane von Furstenberg wrap dress with red earrings and a red bracelet. When the rest of the cast sees what she’s wearing, they start to whisper to one another.

  “We’re going to do these photos and go right to the school hallway set,” Tom explains wearily. “We’re already running behind and some of you have time constraints.” Matt clears his throat. “After this, you’ll have fifteen minutes to change and touch up again and then we’re shooting the next scene before lunch.” Everyone starts whispering again. At this rate, we won’t have lunch until three! All thanks to Alexis.

  Alexis slips her arm through mine. “Hey, girlie, you look stunning in that dress,” Alexis says admiringly. “Your boyfriend would melt if he saw you.”

  Huh?

  “Um, thanks,” I say. I have to remind myself that Alexis doesn’t know I overheard her Oscar-worthy meltdown moment. Maybe she’s bipolar.

  “It’s going to be ages before we eat today, but do you want to grab a salad later when we do?” Alexis asks. “I feel like we haven’t caught up in ages.”

  She just bashed me to Renee and now she wants to be my lunch buddy? “Shoot! I have a phone interview to do,” I lie. “Maybe tomorrow?” “I’m going to hold you to that,” Alexis says with a wink. I smell a rat, but until I know what Alexis is up to, I better play along.

  MONDAY, 9/23

  NOTE TO SELF:

  Tues. call time: 7 AM

  Wed., Thurs., Fri.: On location in Malibu. Call time: 5 AM

  *Check driver’s ed. Web sites!

  *FIND A B-DAY GIFT!

  Date w/ A – Fri. night, Slice of Heaven

  FA2008 “Hospital Merry-Go-Round and Around”

  (CONTINUED)

  INT. PAIGE’S HOSPITAL ROOM— DAY 7

  PAIGE

  (sounding weak) Girls, I want to talk to the two of you— I mean the three of you— for a moment.

  SAM

  What is it, Mom?

  PAIGE

  I love you girls so much. I’m starting to feel so much stronger thanks to Colby.

  COLBY

  Please don’t thank me again. You’ve done enough already.

  SARA

  Yeah, Mom. We’ve done enough. We gave her a nice hotel room, some clean clothes, a warm meal, and it’s not even Christmas. You have enough to worry about. You just woke up from a coma!

  PAIGE

  I can never repay you, Colby. You saved my life. You gave me back my husband and my girls. For that, I will be eternally grateful.

  SAM

  Mom, you said there was something you had to tell us. Did the doctors say something about your condition?

  Paige looks at Colby and reaches for her hand. The two clasp hands and smile.

  PAIGE

  Girls, I’m going to be fine. I wanted to talk to you about Colby, actually. I know you’ve been hearing rumors and I wanted the truth to come from me.

  SARA

  (to Sam) Why is she holding her hand?

  PAIGE

  Sara, concentrate. This is important. You need to listen to what I’m about to say. It wasn’t just a coincidence that Colby’s blood saved my life that day she walked into the hospital waiting room.

  SAM

  It was a miracle. We know that, Mom.

  PAIGE

  It was more than a miracle. It was fate. What you don’t know is what Colby told Dr. Braden. She is my long lost daughter. We’re having a DNA test done to confirm it, but I know in my heart it’s true.

  SAM

  WHAT? NO! You would never cheat on Dad! You love him.

  PAIGE

  Girls, this was before your father and I even met. Granddaddy was so ashamed, so I. . . . (tearfully) gave my firstborn daughter up thinking I would never see her again. Colby and I have been talking and putting together facts and I’m sure she has her information correct. She’s my daughter. (sobbing) Colby, I’m so sorry I abandoned you.

  COLBY

  I understand all that now. Don’t get upset. You have to rest, Mom.

  SARA

  “MOM?” This is insane! A good story and a blood type don’t prove anything!

  PAIGE

  Colby and the baby share the same birthdate and Colby says she was born at the hospital where I gave birth. She may not look like a Buchanan, but she is one.

  SAM

  (in shock) Mom, are you sure?

  PAIGE

  Certain.

  COLBY

  Can I say something? I know this comes as a shock. But I’m hoping we can start slow. We’re already friends. Maybe we can work toward feeling like sisters.

  PAIGE

  Well, you’ll have plenty of time. I want you to move into our home immediately.

  SARA

  WHAT? She hasn’t even taken a blood test yet!

  COLBY

  The offer is so generous, but I couldn’t . . . I don’t want to cause problems.

  SARA

  Mom, are you sure you’re thinking clearly?

  PAIGE

  That is enough. Colby saved my life and that makes her family no matter what the blood test results are. I expect all of you to make her feel welcome. Alice is already home readying a room and I expect you two to make her feel comfortable.

  SARA

  But . . .

  SAM

  You heard her, Sara. We want Mom to get better. We need to do whatever we can to help. Colby, we hope you’ll feel comfortable in our home.

  COLBY

  Oh, I’m sure I will.

  Sam and Sara hug their mother as Colby watches with an insc
rutable smile.

  Five: I Heart Alexis

  “AND WE’RE ROLLING!” Tom yells into his megaphone.

  FA’s crew of almost one hundred people becomes quiet as the bright, scorching, overhead lights focus on Sky, Alexis, and me as we huddle around Melli, who is lying in a hospital bed. Tom oversees the scene from a monitor stationed in front of his director’s chair while the guest director sits near us on the camera dolly. As usual, standing behind Tom are our writers, ready with pen and pad to fine-tune any clunky lines.

  “Mom, are you sure you’re thinking clearly?” Sky recites as Sara.

  Melli, aka Paige, nods weakly. She’s supposed to look like she just woke up from a coma, which is why she’s wearing white pancake foundation and no eye makeup.

  “That is enough,” Melli says hoarsely, and on command I give her a drink of water from the plastic pitcher on her tray table. A huge basket of flowers from our “dad,” Dennis (aka Spencer) and balloons of every color and shape fill the room. “Colby saved my life and that makes her family no matter what the blood test results are,” she adds. “I expect all of you to make her feel welcome. Alice is already home readying a room and I expect you two to make her feel comfortable.”

  “But . . .” Sky protests.

  I grab Melli’s hand and with my other hand I grab Sky’s. “You heard her, Sara,” I say, shaking slightly. “We want Mom to get better. We need to do whatever we can to help.” I turn to Alexis. “Colby, we hope you’ll feel comfortable in our home.”

  “Oh, I’m sure I will,” she says smoothly.

  I wait for the camera to pan wide before breaking character, but Alexis doesn’t. She scrunches up her face in disgust. “UGH! I sound so stupid!” she says to all of us. “I’m sorry to mess up the scene, but I don’t get why Colby would sound so sinister.”

  “CUT!” The director yells. He and Tom walk onto the set. “I thought we went over this in rehearsal,” says the director, sounding slightly annoyed.

  Alexis trains her big eyes on him. “I know, and you explained it beautifully, but I’m still not sure the line is working. The viewers love Colby, you know? I don’t want them to think she’s pure evil just yet,” Alexis pouts. “I mean, do you think the network would want that? I don’t know. We might want the writers to tweak the line.”

  “Tweak,” the guest director repeats. “Okay, let’s take five and discuss it.”

  “Writers,” Tom calls. “You’re on.”

  Melli massages her neck. Sky rolls her eyes. I bite my lower lip. We’re running behind again today and this is the second line Alexis has questioned this morning. It’s been two weeks since the Priceless party and a week since our infamous cast photo shoot and Alexis has only gotten more brazen with her demands. Yes, the press and most of this cast still hold her high on a pedestal, but every diva-in-training needs to know when to keep quiet. Now is one of those times. NO ONE disrupts a scene with Melli. Melli has been on this show since day one, which gives her a certain unspoken respect that the rest of us don’t command. Melli’s like the Godfather. You don’t upset the Godfather. I guess Alexis doesn’t care about sleeping with the fishes.

  “Tom, do I need to be here for this?” Melli asks. She pulls back the hospital sheet to reveal slim-fitting faded jeans under her puke green gown. Melli starts to get up. “I promised my kids I’d call them on their lunch break and I’m going to miss it if we take any longer.”

  “Mel, please,” Tom begs. “Give us two minutes.”

  Melli sighs. “I’ll use my cell. When you’re ready, I’ll be at crafty getting coffee.”

  I hesitate, wondering if I should follow her. I’ve been dying to talk to Melli about these confusing feelings I’m having about my future, Sky, and Alexis. Melli’s like a second mom to me, and I can tell her anything. She doesn’t look like she’s in the mood to talk today though, so I stay put as a bunch of the writers run over carrying their scripts and PDAs.

  We have about twenty writers, so you’d think they would crowd our already packed stage, but they don’t. Our FA set is huge. There are several sets in the Buchanan house-hold — the kitchen, which has real running water, the living room with its Restoration Hardware furniture, Paige and Dennis’s bedroom (which doubled as Sam and Sara’s up until a few years ago when we finally got our own set), and the long dining room, with an Ethan Allen table that seats twenty. It’s perfect for large family arguments, which are FA staples. Our soundstage also has interiors of my aunt Krystal’s bedroom and kitchen, Penelope’s living room and bedroom, the Summerville Diner, the Summerville Hospital waiting area and patient room (where we’re shooting now), and just this year, we added our own mock school hallway and a classroom so that we don’t have to film all of Sam and Sara’s Sum-merville High scenes on location. For exterior shots of the front of the Buchanan estate, we film on a fake idyllic street on our studio’s backlot. That’s an area behind the film studio headquarters with room to build, or use, exterior sets.

  HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER FIVE: Like many TV shows, when FA shows the exterior of a character’s fabulous home, chances are the interior scenes are filmed somewhere else, like a soundstage. Real rooms with four walls are too cramped for a large camera crew, writers, and assorted higher-ups, so most sets only have three walls, or are larger than your average room so that a crew can fit inside. When you see a house on TV, chances are the studio has either paid to use someone’s exterior for the shot or they’ve con– structed a house shell on the back lot to serve as home sweet home. On our back lot, FA has a street full of homes that have been used on other TV shows or movies and now serve as the town of Summerville. When Paige and Penelope were in the Buchanan Manor house fire two seasons ago, they burned the falling exterior of an aged home on the block. The space made way for a park, which we use for outdoor school shots. Buchanan Manor is the grandest of all the fake homes. But don’t bother putting on a bathing suit — our swimming pool is not on set. Those scenes are shot twenty-three miles away at a mansion in Arcadia.

  “Hey, ladies.” FA’s newest writer, Max Welsh, walks over and flashes us a gorgeous smile that makes me nearly faint. I can’t lie: Max is beyond cute. He’s “SoCal” tan, has short, spiky brown hair, brown eyes, and a tall, fit body he shows off with a metrosexual wardrobe. Practically everyone on set has a secret crush on the twenty-something. (I wouldn’t call my feelings a crush. I just appreciate his cuteness. That’s not betraying Austin, is it?) “How can we help you this afternoon?” he asks.

  “I’m so sorry to be a pain,” Alexis says in a whiny voice. She looks and sounds like a ten-year-old in a super tight Snoopy tee that grazes her belly button and low-slung dark jeans. Colby is supposed to be sort of trashy, which explains the wardrobe. “I’m tripping over this one line. Colby comes off as suspicious, which is great, but I really think she could be so much more than that. What if we gave her a great backstory that explains why it seems like she’s trying to betray the Buchanans?” Alexis stops talking and waves frantically to some of the writers standing in the back. “Becky, that color looks amazing on you! Hey, Roger! Ready to shoot some hoops later?”

  Peter, one of our veteran writers, frowns. “But Alexis, Colby is trying to betray the Buchanans,” he says gingerly. “This line is giving the viewers a tease of what’s to come.”

  “I get what you’re saying, I really do, but maybe we’re missing the chance to have a bigger storyline here,” Alexis says hurriedly. “Does Colby have to be lying about being Paige’s daughter? Look how the public has embraced this character. Do you really think they want to see her gone in a few months? What if we let her stick around and cause problems for everyone in town instead of just the Buchanans?” Alexis asks hopefully. “Every show needs a good bad girl.”

  “This show has already got one,” Sky hisses. “Me.”

  Alexis ignores her. “I’d just hate to ruin a popular story-line when there is so much more we could do with it — and Colby. I think we’re creating something really great here this
season and I, for one, don’t want to see it die out too soon.” Alexis squeezes my hand. I resist the urge to pull away and smile sweetly.

  “Alexis, we’ve talked about this,” Tom warns.

  “But . . .” Alexis’s eyes begin to water.

  It’s not unusual for the writers to be called in to help tweak a joke that just doesn’t fly or a line so snippy it makes everyone on set wince. But changing someone’s whole character outlook? That’s a decision that happens upstairs, not here on set. I can’t believe Alexis would have the nerve to even make such a suggestion. I resist the urge to glare at Alexis. Even if I ignore the fact that I overheard her talking trash about me and caught her flirting with my boyfriend, I can’t forget her recent interview in Hollywood Nation. I can’t believe she had the nerve to talk about Sky and me not getting along.

  After the story ran, Alexis sent me flowers with a note that said they took her quote out of context. I am so not buying it.

  “You’re right about the public, Alexis,” says Tom thoughtfully. “But this storyline has a beginning and an end that was mapped out before you were even hired. Colby eventually reveals her true colors. She tries to blackmail the Buchanans for abandoning her as a baby, but Sam and Sara uncover proof that Colby isn’t Paige’s daughter. It turns out that Colby’s dead mother was Paige’s college roommate, so she knew all about the baby given away at birth. Colby knows so much about the Buchanans that she thinks she can pass herself off as kin. After her cover is blown, she leaves town in episode thirteen.”

  “I can’t wait till episode thirteen,” Sky quips.

  Alexis shoots Sky a nasty look. “I know,” says Alexis, composing herself. “But things are going so well that I thought maybe you’d consider changing your minds about that.” The last words come out in a sob and one of the grips puts his hand on Alexis’s shoulder. I look around. Everyone from the camera guys to Shelly, my makeup artist, looks sad.

  Did Alexis taint the water supply? How is everyone falling for this act? Alexis knew her story arc when she signed her contract!

  “I have an idea,” says Max.

  He always has good ones too, so everyone pays attention. Max has only been with us for a few weeks, but he’s already famous for single-handedly writing Melli’s heart-wrenching wakeup scene. Everyone says the dialogue will win Melli another Emmy.