Longings of the Heart

by Bonnie Leon

  “John, you know that I shan’t have children. God is disciplining me, I’m certain of it. He’ll not bless me with a child.”

  John enfolded Hannah in his arms and held her a moment before speaking. “If God sees fit to bless us with a family, then I shall rejoice. And if he doesn’t, there’s nothing can be done about it.” He caressed Hannah’s hair. “I’d rather live with you and without children than spend my life with any other.” He stepped back and placed a finger under her chin, tipping up her face so she looked at him. “I also know that God loves you and he blesses those he loves. We’ll have a family, in his time.”

  12

  Hands folded in her lap, Hannah pressed her back against the wagon’s seat. She gazed at green hillsides lying warm beneath the morning sun. Soft, round clouds rested against a blue sky, and a breeze rustled short grasses.

  The ugliness that had taken place two weeks previously was far from her thoughts. “I like August. It may well be my favorite month. It’s not so hot as to cause discomfort and neither is it cold.”

  “We might have some cool weather yet,” John said, lifting the reins and clicking his tongue. “I was lucky to get this mare at such a reasonable price. Fine thing, coming on that sale like I did.”

  “She seems to be a good horse.”

  “Not as fine as your mare, but she’ll do.” He gazed at the river.

  “It’s a perfect day for a picnic. I’m glad we’ve planned one for after services. I do hope Lydia and the Athertons will join us.”

  “They may have other plans.” Transferring the reins into one hand, John put an arm around Hannah and squeezed gently. “I wouldn’t mind too much if it were just you and me.”

  Hannah leaned against him, thinking she’d never been quite so happy as she was at this moment. She languished in the goodness of life.

  They moved through the hamlet of Parramatta, rolling past the general store and the smithy’s. Dr. Gelson’s office had a sign in the window saying that if an emergency arose, he could be found at the church.

  “I think it’s a pity David’s no longer seeing Lydia. She’d make him a splendid wife.”

  “I agree she’d make a good wife, but perhaps not for David.” “She’d be much better for him than Deidre. I don’t understand why he’s interested in her.”

  “She’s a handsome woman.”

  “And Lydia’s not?”

  “Well, she has her own beauty.”

  Hannah knew the difference. Lydia was handsome, in a healthy, wholesome way, and Deidre was stunningly beautiful. “That may be true,” Hannah said, “but external beauty means nothing if the inside is ugly.”

  “You’ve said those kinds of things before about Deidre. Why do you think she’s ugly inside? She’s never done anything hostile against you . . . has she?”

  “No. I’m not certain why I feel so strongly about her, except that she’s been somewhat intolerant toward me. And although she and Lydia were supposed to be friends, she still went after Dr. Gelson. That’s a betrayal. I believe she’s two-faced, to the extreme.”

  “You’re being a bit harsh, don’t you think? Perhaps it was Dr. Gelson who did the going after, as you say.”

  “I suppose it’s possible. But I don’t trust her.”

  “Have you just cause?”

  Hannah thought over John’s question. Had Deidre actually ever done anything outlandish or deceitful? Hannah had to answer no, but every time the woman sauntered up to John and batted her eyelashes at him, Hannah bristled.

  “I simply know I’m right. I don’t have an explanation.” A breeze caught at Hannah’s bonnet, and she pressed a hand on it to hold it in place. “But in light of God’s commandment to love one another, I’ll do my best to be kind.”

  “She’s probably not a bad sort.” John slapped the reins to hurry the horses along.

  The church grounds were congested with buggies, wagons, and carriages. John pulled his wagon up alongside one of the Athertons’, the one used by the servants. He stepped out, tethered the horses, and gave Hannah a hand down. “Looks like most of the district is here this morning.”

  “That’s what fine weather will do; it brings people out.” Hannah closed her eyes and tilted her face into the sunlight. “It feels good to be outdoors.” She looped her arm through John’s and they walked toward the church. Her step was light. She always looked forward to Sunday services. It was a time to see her friends and to learn of local news. Plus Reverend Taylor always had something worthwhile to share.

  The reverend stood at the top of the steps. As John and Hannah approached him, he reached out a hand to John. “Grand morning, don’t you think?” He clasped John’s hand.

  “That it is. Hannah and I thought a picnic would be fitting for such a fine day.”

  “I quite agree.” The reverend smiled at Hannah.

  “Would you care to join us?” she asked.

  “I’d love to, but I’ve already accepted an invitation from the Parnells.” He smiled. “It promises to be a lively time. Lottie is always full of questions and stories. Adorable child, that one.”

  “She is.” Hannah smiled and nodded, while inside she felt the longing to mother the little girl. Even after all this time, it still felt as if Lottie belonged with her. Hannah knew better. The Parnells were admirable parents, and Lottie was blessed to be part of their family. It had been an act of God that put the three of them together. And it was reprehensible of her to want anything else for the child or for Charles and Grace. Forgive me, Lord, for my self-interest.

  John held Hannah’s elbow and steered her indoors. Hannah looked about for Lydia. She was seated midway, beside Mrs. Goudy. Gwen and Perry shared the same pew. Perry looked much better than the last time Hannah had seen him.

  Hannah leaned in close to John. “Can we sit with Lydia?” she whispered.

  “Of course.” He moved up the center aisle.

  Deidre stood along an outside wall. Her eyes followed John, then moved to Hannah. Her expression was haughty. Remembering that she’d decided to try to be friendly, Hannah smiled. Deidre simply stared back at her.

  “Hannah. Grand to see ye.” Lydia moved to the aisle and pulled Hannah into her embrace.

  Hannah kept her hands on Lydia’s arms as she stepped back. “You look well,” she said, but her mind remained with Deidre. She’d seen something in the woman’s eyes, something that frightened her. She tried to focus on Lydia. “What is it that’s different? Oh, your hat. Is it new?”

  Lydia touched the brim of the deep blue bonnet. “It is. Thought it was time I replaced my old one.”

  “I love the flowers,” Hannah said of the small rosettes that rimmed the cap.

  John moved down the row toward Perry. “You’re looking fit. Just a bit black around the eyes.” He grinned.

  Holding one arm tucked next to his side, Perry stood slowly. He seemed a bit shaky. “I’m better. Thanks to David Gelson. He’s a fine surgeon.” He tossed a glance at the doctor. “Can’t hate him any longer, eh?”

  “Should say not.” John rested a hand on Perry’s shoulder.

  “Must say, I can’t understand his taste in women, though.”

  John glanced at David who chatted with Deidre. He escorted her to a seat near the front. “They make a fine-looking couple.” “Lydia’s a better match for him. I’d think he would see that. I can’t figure out how he could throw her over for Deidre.”

  Lydia turned to Perry. “I’d prefer that ye not speak as if I’m not here.”

  In his usual slapdash way, Perry had spoken out of turn. Hannah smiled. At one time, she’d thought him coarse and even thoughtless, but she knew better now. Perry could sometimes be abrasive, but he had a good heart.

  “Speaking me mind is all,” he said.

  The reverend walked to the front of the church. Those standing took their seats and quieted.

  John grasped Hannah’s hand and held it against his abdomen. Hannah could feel his strength. With him, she was safe and protected. S
he wondered at God’s goodness. Although she didn’t deserve a fine man like John Bradshaw, God had given him to her. It’s God’s love, she thought, unable to restrain a smile.

  Music filled the small sanctuary and voices merged as parishioners sang the hymn “Lo He Comes with Clouds Descending.” As always, the music lifted Hannah’s heart and carried her closer to God. At this moment, she could believe almost anything, even that she and John might one day have a child. Perhaps God would choose to bless them in that way. She rested a hand on her stomach, thinking about how it would feel to actually experience such a gift.

  Reverend Taylor concluded the service with prayer, and Hannah turned to Lydia. “Would you like to join John and me for a picnic? I made a lunch. There’s plenty.”

  “My stomach has been grumbling for the past half hour. A picnic sounds perfect.”

  Hannah looked at Mrs. Goudy. “Can you join us?”

  “I’d like that.”

  “Perry and Gwen?”

  Gwen knit her brows. “Sounds grand, but I think Perry’s already done too much today. The doctor said he’s to be careful and not overtax himself.”

  Perry’s expression was apologetic. “I am a bit done in.”

  “Not long until you’re right as rain,” Mrs. Goudy said.

  “I’m counting on it.”

  “We’ll have you and Gwen over for dinner soon.”

  John moved toward the aisleway. “Hannah, are you ready?” “I was hoping to have a word with Lottie and Mrs. Atherton.” “I’ll see to the horses,” he said and headed toward the church doors.

  John took a handful of grain from a bucket in the back of the wagon and gave some to each horse. While the animals munched, he leaned against the rim of a wheel and watched as parishioners chatted and said their good-byes, then went on their way.

  Deidre stepped out of the church. She looked as if she was searching for someone. When she saw John, she waved and walked toward him.

  “Good day,” John said, wondering why Hannah had such a dislike for the woman. She seemed pleasant enough.

  “Good day, John.” Her tone was clear and sweet. “Fine sermon, eh?”

  “Indeed. Quite uplifting. The Word of the Lord sometimes pierces my heart. Today the reverend left me with much to consider. Living one’s life for the Lord is a lofty topic.”

  “That it is.” Deidre swept up hair from her neck while offering John a coy look.

  He felt slightly discomfited. “I see that you and David Gelson have become friends.”

  “We have at that.” A smile played at Deidre’s lips as if she were holding back a secret pleasure. An uncomfortable silence settled between them.

  John looked to the church, wishing Hannah would hurry. “Have you any special plans for the afternoon?”

  “No. Not really. I’ll have a bit of lunch and then take up some mending that needs doing. And perhaps David will join me for dinner.” She moved to one of the horses and ran a hand down the front of its face. “I’ve a bit of a dilemma, however. Perhaps you can be of some help.”

  “I’ll try.”

  “I’ve recently learned something disturbing . . . about someone who attends this church. And it’s a matter for prayer.”

  “Prayer is always a good thing.” John patted the horse’s neck. “And in what way can I be of help?”

  Deidre moved around the horse until she stood close to John. “You know the person I’m speaking of.” She let the sentence hang in the air a moment, then continued. “It’s your wife.”

  “Hannah? What about her?” John puzzled over the comment. “Oh. You must mean the intruder. He’s not been found. But you needn’t worry. Hannah’s doing quite well and so is Perry. I’ll tell Hannah of your concern. She’d be glad to know of it.”

  “Yes, I heard about that. It’s quite a shock to know that prisoners are running loose and might accost you in your own home.”

  “I doubt that you’ve anything to concern yourself with. It’s a rare occurrence.”

  Deidre studied John, a strange expression on her face. “There’s something else I wanted to speak with you about. I heard that once there was a . . . child . . . one that Hannah bore while on the prison ship.”

  At first, Deidre’s words made no sense, but when the statement finally penetrated John’s mind, he felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him. He managed to keep his voice controlled as he asked, “What are you talking about?”

  “I was told she had a . . . a friendship with a well-regarded gentleman in London. And that the affair ended in quite a loathsome way. When she was thrown out of his house, she took some of the gentleman’s belongings and was actually carrying his child.”

  Rage reared up in John. How dare this woman speak of Hannah’s troubles and in such a perverse way.

  She offered a sly smile, still holding John’s eyes with hers. “I also know that she wanted that innocent little one dead.”

  John was so furious he didn’t know what to say. If he acted as if he knew what she was talking about, he’d give away Hannah’s past. Yet Deidre obviously already knew the truth—her version of it.

  She moved past John and placed a hand on the mare’s back. “I’ve been quite distressed since hearing this news. What a burden it must have been for Hannah . . . and for you, to carry such a secret. The dishonor must be stifling.” Her tone kindly, she added, “Ever since I heard, I’ve been carrying you and Hannah to the Lord in my prayers.”

  “I’m sure you have,” John replied in a derogatory tone. “I don’t know how you came upon such a story.”

  “Indeed, it’s no story, but truth.” She stepped closer, and resting a hand against her throat, she looked at John from beneath lowered lids. “Such a tale could ruin someone like Hannah. How devastating it would be if it were to get around.”

  Suddenly John knew Deidre’s intentions. He stepped back and moved to the wagon. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ve an engagement.”

  Deidre followed him. “If you’ll spare me a few minutes more.” Her muddy green eyes locked with his. “From time to time I find myself a bit short on cash and goods. As you know, it’s difficult for a woman on her own.”

  “Is it?” John fought to control his fury. He met her cool gaze with a heated one of his own. “Perhaps you can explain it to me.”

  “There are only so many hours one can work, and I’ve no husband to help me. I thought perchance if I were to be blessed with two good ewes I’d have enough wool for necessities. And my larder is a bit low. A hog would go a long way toward fending off hunger.”

  “Why is it that you come to me with these needs? I’ve barely enough to feed Hannah and myself.”

  Deidre’s gaze moved to Hannah who had stepped out of the church and was followed by Lottie and Mrs. Atherton. “She’s quite comely and seems genteel. What a shame it would be if word were to get out that she’d been sullied and then destroyed her own child.”

  “You have it wrong. What you’re saying is not true!”

  “Oh? Isn’t it?” She turned her attention back to John. “All I’d need would be two sheep and one hog. I daresay, that’s not so much to ask.”

  John clamped his jaw tight. “Your threats will have no influence over me.”

  Deidre turned toward the church. “Well then, I shall be forced to speak with the elders about this matter. How can they be of assistance to those in their flock if they’ve no knowledge of the need?” She daintily lifted her skirts and took a step toward the church. “I’m sure they’ll be glad to know there’s a call for spiritual guidance amongst the congregation.” She smiled demurely.

  John’s outrage flamed, but what was he to do? He couldn’t allow Hannah to be shamed in such a way. She was respected in this community. If word got out, she would be ruined . . . and so would he.

  He railed against capitulation, but what other choice did he have? “All right, then. I’ll see to it that you get your ewes and a sow.”

  “How kind of ye. Thank ye for yer generosity.�
�� Deidre took a step toward the church and then stopped and looked back at John. “Oh, can ye tell me when I can expect them?”

  “Next week is the earliest I can get by your place.”

  “I’ll have need before that. I think two days hence would be soon enough.”

  John sucked in a breath. “All right.” He glared at the ground. “Tomorrow. I’ll bring them tomorrow.”

  “Good.” Deidre sauntered off toward David, who waited for her at his buggy. John’s outrage billowed. How dare she! If he could have, John would have followed her and pummeled the woman, but of course that was impossible and would serve no good purpose.

  Hannah walked toward John. “What did Deidre want?”

  “Nothing. We were just chatting.”

  “Something’s wrong. I can see it. What is it?”

  “Everything’s fine.”

  Hannah studied him. “I don’t believe you.”

  “What could be wrong on such a fine day?” John tried to make his voice light.

  Hannah stared at him and finally said, “All right, then. I suppose you’ll tell me when you’re ready.” She watched David Gelson’s buggy pull away, then turned back to John. “Lydia and Mrs. Goudy said they’d be pleased to join us for a picnic. Where do you think we should go?”

  “I’ve changed my mind. We’ll do it another time.”

  “But I thought we decided.”

  “Not today.” John lifted and smoothed the traces that ran over the horses’ backs. “We should go.”

  “What’s happened?”

  “Nothing. I’m just not feeling well.”

  “But you said everything is fine.”

  “It is, but I’m feeling a bit under the weather.”

  “What did Deidre say?”

  “Nothing. Now, let’s go.”

  Hannah looked wounded and John felt badly, but he couldn’t bring himself to socialize—not after what had just happened. And he wasn’t about to tell Hannah the truth.

  Her shoulders drooped. “All right. But I’ll have to offer my apologies to Lydia and Mrs. Goudy.”