The Longing

by Wendy Lindstrom

  Seeing Rebecca's bright face and waist-length curls bounce as she ran across the driveway made Amelia kneel and open her arms in welcome.

  “I'm five now, Miss Drake! And I can count over a hundred and do two cartwheels without falling over.”

  “Well, isn't that something!” Amelia exclaimed in a properly impressed manner before kissing Rebecca's dimpled cheek.

  “Mama says you’re my aunt now.”

  “That’s right.” Amelia felt her heart swell with love. “I married your uncle Kyle last night and now my last name is Grayson, the same as yours. You can call me Aunt Amelia.”

  Rebecca’s eyes widened. “Really?”

  “Yes, really.” Amelia laughed and tickled Rebecca’s ribs, loving the yelp of laughter that burst from the little girl.

  The front door opened and Evelyn stepped outside. “I thought I heard your voice out here. Come sit a while.” She gestured Amelia toward the porch with a welcoming wave of her hand. “I’m starved for company.”

  Rebecca babbled as they ambled down the driveway, and Amelia greeted Radford and Boyd with a smile. Kyle’s inquisitive gaze seemed to inspect every inch of her. Amelia looked away. Every time she saw his gorgeous face, she felt a burst of excitement followed by a hard rush of despair. She wanted so deeply to have a loving marriage like Radford and Evelyn’s, but the guarded look in Kyle’s eyes made it seem impossible. He didn’t even want to talk to Amelia, much less fall in love with her.

  “Mama made some cookies,” Rebecca said, grabbing Kyle around the leg, her bare feet looking precious beside Kyle’s large dress shoes.

  Kyle reached down and ruffled her hair. What a mystery he was with his abrupt manner that hid surprisingly tender actions.

  “Missy’s gonna have kittens again!”

  Kyle smirked. “Is that so?”

  “Yup. I’ll get her for you!” Rebecca hopped across the driveway on one foot, scuffing up tiny puffs of dirt before she tromped up the porch steps.

  Evelyn knelt in front of Rebecca and wiped a smudge of dirt off her chin. “I think Missy’s in the barn, sweetheart.”

  Without a word, Rebecca wheeled around and pounded down the steps. Evelyn and Amelia exchanged a smile, but the desire for her own child gripped Amelia’s heart and she struggled to keep her smile in place.

  Amelia wondered what it would feel like to have a child of her own, to slip into the porch swing with Kyle and their sleeping baby for a lazy afternoon of quiet conversation. She’d seen Radford and Evelyn in that swing, holding hands or cuddling their daughter, and Amelia envied their companionship and love.

  “I’ll bring out some tea,” Evelyn said, drawing Amelia away from her private wishes. “Radford, why don’t the three of you visit with Amelia while I get our drinks?”

  Boyd started up the steps. “I’ll keep her company.”

  Radford laughed, but Kyle snorted and followed his brothers onto the wide porch. By the time they had settled into comfortable chairs, Evelyn had returned outside with a tray of tall glasses. “I’m so glad you two stopped in. I figured we wouldn’t see you newlyweds for at least a week.”

  Amelia forced herself to smile at Evelyn’s teasing, but she didn’t have the nerve to look at Kyle.

  Boyd smacked his forehead. “That’s why Kyle looks so grumpy today. No sleep.” Kyle scowled, but a wicked grin spread across Boyd’s face and he winked at Amelia. “If you don’t want to live with a bear, you’d better make sure this boy gets some sleep tonight.”

  Though Amelia tried to laugh, she felt her throat close and her eyes sting. Her mother had always called her father a bear when he was tired. The onslaught of heartache had come so unexpectedly, she couldn’t quell the moisture blurring her eyes. Horrified to find herself on the verge of tears, Amelia lowered her lashes.

  “I didn’t intend my teasing to be callous, Amelia.”

  Amelia drew a breath and met Boyd’s concerned expression. “You weren’t. You just reminded me of Papa, is all. Mama accused him of being a bear on Sunday mornings, and I...it was hard not having Papa at my wedding. I thought about him all night and...well . . .” Amelia shrugged because she couldn’t force any more words from her aching throat.

  Boyd’s expression was sympathetic. “Of course you miss him. How dense of me not to have considered how you might feel today. I’m sorry.”

  She nodded to let him know she accepted his apology, that she understood he’d just been teasing her, but she didn’t dare open her mouth for fear the sob in her throat would roll out.

  Amelia hid her face behind her glass and pretended to sip the sweetened tea, but Evelyn’s misty gaze brought a flood of tears to Amelia’s eyes. “Lord, I’m so sorry,” she whispered, embarrassed to be teetering on the brink of a breakdown. “I’m having a rough day.”

  “You’re entitled.” Evelyn patted the back of Amelia’s hand. “After my papa died, I didn’t sleep a full night through until I married Radford. It’s good that you have Kyle to help you through this.”

  Amelia glanced at her husband and the tormented look in his eyes made her stomach drop. What on earth could he be thinking to make him look so...guilty? If it wasn’t guilt, it was something equally strong, but definitely not love. No. Love was an emotion that radiated warmth and light. The look in Kyle’s eyes held compassion, but there was something deep and painful there that chilled the warm May day.

  Amelia leaned back in her chair and drew a shaky breath. “Where did Rebecca disappear to?” she asked, desperate to change the subject, and praying the little whirlwind would barrel up the porch steps and light up the dismal mood with her rambunctious enthusiasm.

  “She’s on the swing.” Evelyn nodded to the huge oak tree in their side yard. Amelia turned in her chair and looked behind her. Rebecca sat on the board swing with Missy on her lap, talking away as if Missy understood every word she spoke.

  Evelyn called to Rebecca. “I thought you wanted some cookies, sweetheart!”

  Rebecca’s face lit up and she slid off the swing. She lowered Missy to the ground then ran across the yard and up the porch steps. As if she’d brought the sun with her, the mood changed and it wasn’t long before they were all laughing at Rebecca’s antics and thoroughly enjoying the day.

  They spent three glorious hours talking and laughing and lingering over lunch before Kyle insisted it was time to head home. But only minutes after they arrived, Amelia’s mother came by and brought leftovers from their wedding so Amelia wouldn’t have to cook, and by the time her mother finally left, Amelia didn’t even feel capable of taking the food out of the basket.

  “Would you mind having leftovers for supper?” she asked.

  “No, but it’s too hot in the house. Let’s take the basket and walk down to the gorge.”

  It was only a few hundred yards from their home, but Amelia was still surprised by Kyle’s suggestion. She watched him disappear into the guest room and return a minute later with a dark brown throw that had hung over the foot of the bed.

  Though she was tired, the fresh air felt great and Amelia filled her nostrils and chest as they descended a steep wooded path. The peepers were waking up and the sun was a big orange ball hanging low in the sky. It cast a soft glow across the gorge and made the water shimmer.

  “Is this all right?” Kyle asked, and Amelia nodded for him to spread their blanket in front of a bank of shale. The gorge was mostly loamy soil mixed with shale fragments and flat rocks, but in some areas the ground was smooth and fairly comfortable.

  Kyle sprawled across the blanket and Amelia sank down with a sigh. She set the basket between them and rolled her shoulders. “All we need is for your mother to be waiting for us when we get home,” she said, then realized how her comment sounded and cringed. “Not that your mother isn’t a lovely lady, Kyle, but one parent a day is plenty.”

  Kyle snorted. “I’ve had enough contact with relatives to last until next Sunday.”

  Despite the underlying unease between them, Amelia smiled. “You
don’t like making small talk, do you?”

  “It seems like a waste of time.”

  “What do you like to talk about then?” she asked, curious what a man like Kyle would enjoy discussing.

  He shrugged. “Business, I guess. I think about the mill a lot.”

  She’d figured as much. Amelia glanced down the gorge and watched the water tumble and turn, gurgling as it twisted its way downstream. Birds swooped between trees, flapping and twittering, as if making their last-minute visits before the lights went out.

  “It’s so beautiful here,” she said, wishing she could lean back on the blanket and just drift off to sleep. Kyle didn’t comment, but she suspected he was enjoying the peacefulness, too. As the melody of the gorge wrapped around them, they watched the sun dip, noticed the swatches of orange widen across the banks of the gorge.

  “Amelia?”

  She glanced up at the softness in Kyle’s voice.

  “I’m sorry about this afternoon at my brother’s house. I should have been more aware of your feelings and brought you home right after church.”

  A flush of embarrassment rolled through Amelia and she wanted to return to that companionable silence they had shared a moment before. “I didn’t expect to react so emotionally. I hope I didn’t embarrass you.”

  “Of course not. I felt bad for you. Seeing your mother this evening made me feel even worse.”

  “Me, too.” Amelia’s chest tightened. “Mama’s so lost without Papa.”

  “So are you, Amelia.”

  Kyle’s unexpected tenderness drew her gaze to his. He didn’t reach for her, but to her own surprise, she yearned to lean against his broad chest, to feel the warmth and protection of his muscled arms. It would be wonderful to curl up beside him and surrender her heartache for one night.

  As he leaned back on one hand and studied her, Amelia did the same with him. Lord, his face could anchor an eye. Her gaze traveled up the angular plains of his face and tangled with his dark, liquid gaze. Something warm and ticklish somersaulted in her stomach and Amelia knew it wasn’t the idea of having to marry Kyle that troubled her so deeply. It was the thought of wanting his love and not being able to win it.

  He held out his hand to her, but Amelia clutched the blanket. If he touched her, she would be lost. One more second of looking into Kyle’s hungry eyes and Amelia knew she would fall into his arms and kiss him until tomorrow morning.

  “I’m not going to pounce on you.”

  For the life of her, Amelia couldn’t think of a single excuse to keep her distance without offending him. She wasn’t afraid of Kyle. She was afraid of herself.

  He sighed and moved the basket from between them. “I just want you to sit beside me for a while. Why does that make you nervous?”

  “It’s not your request that makes me nervous. It’s your expression.”

  “My face has a bad habit of reflecting my thoughts. Gets me in trouble all the time.”

  The teasing glint in his eyes shocked Amelia. Kyle was truly oblivious to the power of his own tenderness, the allure of his boyish charm, but it captivated Amelia, and she stared at him, wanting to see more of this side of her husband. Beneath Kyle’s hard shield lurked a sensitive man with a sense of humor. What a surprising gift.

  “Are there other bad habits of yours that I should know about?” she asked in a teasing voice, hoping to connect with this personable side of her husband.

  “I sing.”

  The sound of her own laugh surprised her.

  “That’s why I don’t have a dog. He would never put up with the abuse.”

  Amelia gazed into Kyle’s eyes, and though he didn’t smile, she saw warmth there. Maybe he wasn’t as serious as he pretended to be. Maybe he had a forgiving heart buried in that hard, muscular chest. Maybe he would understand her shame and accept her imperfections without blame.

  Drawn to his warmth, and assailed by her own reckless need, Amelia considered confessing everything and begging his forgiveness. But as the humor faded from his eyes, her courage waned.

  “We should eat,” she said, but she didn’t care a whit about food.

  “Later.”

  She didn’t protest when Kyle drew her against him, but she kept her face lowered so he wouldn’t kiss her. She felt the thud of his heartbeat against her shoulder, and his slow breathing added another voice to the song in the gorge. For the first time ever, Amelia experienced the rhythm of her world from the circle of a man’s arms, and she listened to the earthy sounds in awe.

  After a long silence, Kyle leaned back against the shale bank and drew her with him. Her hair caught against the protruding edges of shale and loosened her chignon. She sat up to fix it, but Kyle stopped her hand.

  “Let it down,” he said quietly, his gaze probing hers. Their eyes met, but she was too flustered by his request to comment. “We’ll just sit here and watch the sun set.”

  That he was asking for so little when he could claim anything he wanted shamed Amelia and she pulled the pins from her hair, wishing she could give him more.

  His eyes filled with appreciation as he looked at her hair hanging to the middle of her back.

  The need in Kyle’s eyes made her blush and Amelia lowered her lashes. When he slipped his fingers into her hair, she jumped and glanced at him. He didn’t stop or comment, just kept dragging his fingers through her hair and across her scalp. The feel of his fingers spread delicious sensations across her head and down her neck, and finally, she closed her eyes and simply enjoyed it. “That feels so good,” she whispered, then wished her voice hadn’t sounded seductive.

  Not daring to look at Kyle, she kept her eyes closed, but to her surprise, he cupped the back of her head and drew her face to his shoulder, like he would with a tired child.

  It felt wonderful to curl against his warmth and enjoy the feel of his hands on her body, but she wondered if Kyle’s attention was leading up to lovemaking.

  They sat in the silence for what seemed hours. It was probably only minutes, but under the caress of Kyle’s hands, Amelia felt her bones melt and her eyes grow heavy, and finally, she felt nothing at all.

  Kyle brushed Amelia’s hair back, aching to make love to her, but knowing he wouldn’t. She was exhausted and filled with grief over her father. He had wanted to hold her like this earlier at his brother’s house when her eyes had filled with tears. To hear her voice break with grief, to watch her struggle not to fall apart when he knew she was dying inside, had torn a hole in his chest.

  All he’d been able to do was sit there drowning in his own regret and guilt, knowing she would hate him when he told her the truth about her father’s death.

  Chapter Fifteen

  A saw blade made a distinctive sound while slicing through timber; a plaintive whine underscored by buzzing, a breathless pause while the carriage gigged back, then another screaming buzz as the blade made a second pass through a strip of pine.

  Radford had once described the sound as the rhythm of home, and though Kyle agreed, he also recognized it as the true meaning of progress. The sounds of a busy mill meant money. With money came security and happiness, or so he’d thought until making that deplorable investment in Tom’s lumberyard. He still considered it Tom’s. Until Kyle and his brothers could drag the lumberyard out of debt and build it into a solid business like the depot, it was just another burden Kyle had hefted onto his own shoulders.

  Standing beside Boyd in the middle of the depot, Kyle realized that everything in his life had started falling apart when Evelyn broke their engagement. She’d said their bond of friendship wasn’t enough to make a good marriage, that their relationship was missing passion. She’d found that passion with Radford.

  Kyle had found himself confused and lonely.

  Marriage to Amelia hadn’t relieved the emptiness at all, but Kyle thought he might finally understand what Evelyn had been trying to explain about the power of passion. His physical reaction to Amelia was intense, a need that drove him recklessly forward
despite his attempt to hold back. No errant thoughts had scampered through his head while kissing her. He’d been caught up in every nuance of Amelia’s mouth, the intriguing scent of flower and soap in her hair and the softness of her body. She had captured his attention completely, and he’d wanted her with a desperation he’d never before felt.

  But by his own choice Kyle had endured another night of lying beside his wife while his body ached for release. She’d been tired and grieving for her father, and though Kyle had wanted her, he knew she really did need time to heal.

  A hard fist slammed into Kyle’s shoulder and shattered his thoughts. Boyd frowned at him. “Will you answer my question?”

  Kyle rubbed the knot in his right arm and stared at his brother. “What the hell’s wrong with you?”

  “I’ve been talking to you for two minutes and you haven’t heard a word I’ve said.”

  “Well, what do you want?”

  “For you to pay attention.” Boyd cocked his head and studied Kyle. “Have you slept at all in the past two nights?” Kyle opened his mouth, but Boyd raised his hands, palms forward. “Don’t answer that.”

  “I haven’t. So don’t hit me again if you don’t want to get knocked on your skinny ass.”

  “I have a great ass,” Boyd said, but when Kyle didn’t rise to the bait, Boyd laughed. “Is married life that bad?”

  “Don’t ask.” Kyle rubbed his temples and closed his gritty eyes. His head ached, and for the first time in two days, he honestly believed he could crawl into bed beside Amelia and actually want to sleep.

  “I’m not trying to pry, Kyle, but I’ve been wondering why you and Amelia got married.”

  “We wanted to.”

  Boyd arched an eyebrow as if to dispute Kyle’s comment.

  “All right. Fine. The school board found me in her apartment.”

  “What the hell were you doing there?”

  “Trying to break our agreement to buy her father’s mill.”

  Guilt slowly replaced the shock in Boyd’s expression. “I never told you to go there, Kyle.”