The Girl of Tokens and Tears

by Susan Ward

  I stare at him, the tightly held arrangement of his long, elegant body parts, and with aching despair I know I shouldn’t have come out here to try to talk him. We will both end up bloody, hating each other before this is through.

  “We should wait to talk until you’re calmer.”

  Alan’s eyes flare and widen. “Not today, Chrissie. That is the worst thing you could do for either of us. Walk out that door without answering every single question I have and we are over. That is the only thing I’m positive of today.”

  I stand frozen in place, searching his face. I can’t tell for certain if he means it, but I do know if I stay he will rip us to shreds. We don’t have a chance if I stay here.

  “No, Alan. If we try to talk this out now, that’s when we will end up over. You’re just too angry to see it.”

  ~~~

  By the time I reach Berkeley, I am something beyond numb. I don’t even have the sensation of having driven here. The scenery passed in a blur, unreal, as disjointed moments of my life rose in my memory, now connected, unkind and too real.

  All through the drive, my senses were only claimed by the flashing images of all the mistakes I’ve made. The mistakes I’ve made in how I love Alan. The mistakes I’ve made with everyone in my life.

  I pull into the carport, grab my bag, and somehow manage to get into the elevator. I look at myself in the mirrored squares, and it’s a strange thing that I should look normal, exactly as I always do, and yet there is nothing comfortable or familiar left inside of me.

  I hurt the man I love. I hurt my best friend, and yes, Neil is my best friend. I didn’t realize it when we broke up, but it is painfully present inside of me today.

  Inside the condo, I drop my bag, and without turning on the lights I go to my bedroom. I rummage through my drawer for my mobile phone, flip it open, stare at it and start to shake.

  It fully sinks in at this moment. It didn’t completely have the feel of realness before now, though it probably should have and I don’t know why it didn’t.

  Alan called for a year after I left New York. Ten hours and not one message. Nothing. Not a single call. I should have stayed and fought for him. Even if it bloodied us and even if it hurt too much and even if it ended this way.

  The End

  For all my current and future releases visit my website: http://susanwardbooks.com

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  Continue the Half Shell Series with the final book, The Girl Diamonds and Rust(April 2015), and read more of the Parker Saga with the first book of the Sand and Fog Series, Broken Crown(June 2015).

  Enjoy one of my current contemporary romance releases:

  The Girl on the Half Shell

  The Girl of Tokens and Tears

  The Girl of Diamonds and Rust (Releasing April 2015)

  The Signature

  Rewind

  One Last Kiss

  One More Kiss

  One Long Kiss (Releasing March 2015)

  Or you might enjoy one of my historical romance releases:

  When the Perfect Comes

  Face to Face

  Love’s Patient Fury

  Love me Forever (Releasing Summer of 2015)

  PREVIEW: THE GIRL OF DIAMONDS AND RUST

  Available April 2015

  We lie together, lightly touching and kissing. We’re both spent, but I sense beneath the surface we both are still raging within. The feel of Alan is everything I remember and everything that haunts me.

  “We’re going to spend the rest of our lives together in bed, love,” he says on a husky whisper. “Get used to the idea.”

  I turn in his arms so I can see him. His eyes are midnight black, guarded, but richly alive with his love for me.

  No longer able to meet Alan’s dark gaze, I roll over in his arms. His lips touch the base of my neck, gently. His body turns into me. I feel his fingers in my hair. Then his lips.

  “I love you. We don’t have any shit standing between us this time. You just have to want it. I’ll make this work, however you want me to.”

  My gaze locks on my ring, my simple gold band on my left hand. My emotion drained limbs tense. The quiet inside me vanishes.

  “I’ve got to go,” I whisper, barely able to push the words past the lump in my throat.

  I pull from his arms, climb from the bed and gather my clothes. My shaking hands make feeble attempts at securing my clothing back into place. Why did I do this? How could I be unfaithful? What power does Alan have over me that I could forget everything good in my life just to screw him in the pool house? That in a flash, everything inside me is turned upside down. That the strongest impulse I can feel raging through veins is to trash my marriage and go back to Alan?

  Alan sits up, and settles on the edge of the bed. The room fills with heavy silence.

  “What are you doing, Chrissie? Where are you going?” he whispers, his raspy voice with an edge of anger again.

  I continue to move, numb-like, around the room dressing. The lump in my throat is strangling and I can’t look at him because if I do I won’t ever be able to say and do what I have to.

  “I have to go, Alan.”

  “I don’t want you to leave,” he whispers, his voice raw. He crosses the room, stopping my hands, stopping me. “You’re not walking out that door until things are resolved between us. Not this time, Chrissie.”

  “I love you,” I whisper, almost unable to push the words out of me. “I always will. I don’t think that will ever change.”

  I lock gazes with his intense black stare. His face changes in a flash from passion kissed to anger. Then panic. “Always will? What the fuck are you trying to say to me, Chrissie?”

  I struggle not to drop my gaze. I step back from him and continue tidying my clothing.

  His hands garb my arms again. “What the fuck are you saying, Chrissie?”

  I twist out of his hold. I quickly step back. If I stay too close to him, I will crumble. I have to get out of this room and away from Alan. Soon…or I will crumble…

  My fingers tighten around the doorknob. “You’re too late, Alan. I’m married.”

  And quickly, before he can answer, I slip through the door.

  PREVIEW: BROKEN CROWN

  Available June 2015

  I shut off the shower deciding not to call Chrissie. I dress for an excursion on my bike. Traveling the rural splendor of the United States on a Harley is one of the few things left in my life I still enjoy. The decision this time has nothing to do with savoring the scenery. The days it will take to travel from New York to California will give me a chance to back out if sanity decides to return. The call ahead of time will do neither of us any good if I decide not to see her.

  I sink down onto my bed to make two phone calls. I tell my assistant to clear my calendar for the next month. I hang up as she bellows every reason why that isn’t possible. Then I call the garage to get my bike ready.

  I tuck into a backpack only what I need for the journey to Los Angeles. I almost leave the bedroom when I recall the lump in my sheets. Tucking the bracelet into my pocket, I reach out a hand and shake the body in my bed. “You need to get dressed and get the hell out of here, love. I’m going to California. If you’re a whore, I’d like to pay you first. If you’re a nice girl, leave me your number.”

  The brown-eyed beauty sits up, pulling with her the blankets to cover her naked flesh. Morning after modesty, another farce since my memory isn’t so dim that I forgot what we did last night. Those pouting red lips smile.

  Ah, Boston bred. The girl isn’t ruffled by any of it.

  Smoothly charming, she says, “I’ll bill you. Though it’s often considered a blurry difference, I’m not a whore. I’m your attorney. One of your divorce attorneys. I brought the finalized settlement contracts, and though you missed our meeting, I waited ten hours in this apartment for you to return to sign them sinc
e your ex-wife has an irritating proclivity to change her mind. I thought it best we jump on the offer and settle it fast since you didn’t have a pre-nuptial agreement. When I tried to explain, you jumped on me. I thought what the hell, it’s been a slow day and I’m earning five hundred bucks an hour for this. Why shouldn’t my job have an occasional perk? You have been interesting. I’ve never been laid by a man who holds an infinity band while he fucks me. I think it’s better I don’t tell you the things you mumbled. I’ll only warn you that you should be relieved it’s covered under attorney/client privilege since my meter ticks until you sign those documents. The contracts are on the dresser. Please sign them so I can shower, dress and go. It’s Saturday, in case you don’t know what day it is, and I play racquetball at six. That I didn’t expect you to know. It was a subtle attempt to speed you up in the signing.”

  I laugh softly. My attorney is charming. I go to the dresser and do a quick study of the contracts. “Thank you for not boring me with whatever I mumbled and thank you for promising to bill me so it’s privileged. You can, however, bore me by letting me know how much this is costing me.”

  Panties and bra in place, my attorney scrambles from my bed, gathering her clothes then snatches the signed contracts from my hand.

  “Me, I cost you seventy-two hundred for this meeting. You’re ex-wife cost you one-hundred-sixteen million two hundred-twenty-seven thousand, a combination of cash, future cash, and an interesting assortment of personal property. You did, however, manage to retain the Malibu house, that against my advice you battled her over, the bill from me five-hundred thousand over the value of it.”

  I clutch her chin a little roughly and give her a hard kiss. “You, love, were a bargain.”

  I leave her, half dressed, staring at me from my bathroom doorway. It sounded theatrical even to me. Chrissie would have given me such shit for those theatrics, but the girl seemed to be expecting something like that so I played along.

  SNEAK PEEKS

  Thank you for reading. You might enjoy a sneak peek into Chrissie and Alan’s future, with Rewind A Perfect Forever Novella. Available now on Amazon:

  He doesn’t laugh. Instead, his gaze sharpens on my face. “I am being nice, Kaley. I came to you. I got tired of waiting.”

  What? Did I just hear what I think I heard?

  Before I can respond, he says, “How’s your afternoon looking? Do you have time to take off and come see something with me?”

  My afternoon? There is something. I’m sure of that, but I suddenly can’t remember a single thing.

  “What do you have in mind?”

  “I want to show you where I’ve been living. What I’ve been doing. I think you’ll find it interesting.”

  Interesting? Why would I find it interesting?

  “So, do you think you can cut out for a few hours?” he asks, watching me expectantly.

  I focus my gaze on the table, wondering if I should go, wondering why I debate this, and what the heck I have on the calendar that I can’t remember. God this is weird, familiar and distant at once, and I haven’t a clue what I should do here.

  I stare at his hand, so close to mine, on the table. Whoever thought it would be so uncomfortable not to touch a guy? It doesn’t feel natural, this space we hold between us, spiced with the kind of talk people have who know each other intimately. What would he do if I touched him…?

  His fingers cover mine and he gives me a friendly squeeze. The feel of him runs through my body with remembered sweetness.

  Suddenly, nothing in my life is as important as spending the afternoon with Bobby and for the first time, in a very long time, I don’t feel like a disjointed collection of uncomfortably fitting parts. I feel at ease inside me being with Bobby.

  I stop trying to access my mental calendar. I smile up at Bobby. “I’ve got as much time as you need.”

  Bobby chuckles and his hand slips back from me. He rises and tosses some bills on the table. “Just a few hours, Kaley. I’ll have you back before the end of the day.”

  I rise from my chair and think not if I figure out fast how not to blow this.

  Or enjoy the first novel in the Perfect Forever Novels: The Signature. Available Now. Please enjoy the following excerpt from The Signature:

  She became aware all at once how utterly delightful it felt to be here with him, alone on the quay, with the erotic nearness of his body.

  She closed her eyes. “Listen to the quiet. There are times when I lie here and it feels like there is no one else in the world.”

  “No one else in the world? Would that be a good thing?” he asked thoughtfully.

  “No. But the illusion is grand, don’t you think?” she whispered.

  Krystal turned her head to the side, lifting her lids to find Devon’s gaze sparkling as he studied her. He shook his head lazily. “No. The illusion wouldn’t be grand at all. It would mean I wasn’t here with you.”

  It all changed at once, yet again, and so quickly that Krystal couldn’t stop it. The ticklish feeling stirred in her limbs. Devon’s words, as well as the closeness of their bodies, should have sent her into active retreat, and instead she felt herself wanting to curl into him. What would it feel like if kissed me? Would I still feel this delicious inside? Or would that old panic and fear return?

  Laughing softly, Devon said, “I’m not used to relaxing. Can you tell?”

  “I wasn’t used to it before Coos Bay, either. There is a different pace of life here. At first I thought there was no sound. That’s how quiet it seemed to me. Then I realized that there is music, beautiful music in this quiet.”

  After a long pause, he murmured, “You’ll have to bring me here every Saturday until I learn to hear music in the quiet.”

  Krystal smiled. “Once you hear the music it’s perfect.”

  “It’s perfect now to me.” His voice was a husky, sensual whisper.

  He was on his side facing her. When had that happened? An inadvertent thrill ran through her flesh, and she could see it in his eyes—the supplication, the want, and an unexplainable reluctance to indulge either.

  Devon was no longer smiling, his eyes had become brighter and more diffuse. His fingertips started to trace her face with such exquisite lightness that her insides shook. For the first time, in a very long time, she felt completely a woman, and wanting.

  Was it possible? Had she finally healed internally as her flesh had done so long ago? Was she finally past the legacy of Nick? Was what she was now feeling real? Should she seek the answer with Devon? Or was it better to leave it unexplored?

  “You are a very beautiful woman,” he whispered.

  She watched with sleepy movements as his mouth lowered to her. It came first as a touch on her cheek, feather soft between the play of his fingers. Her breath caught, followed by a pleasant quickening of her pulse. She was unprepared for the sweetness of his lips and the rushing sensations that ran through her body. His thumb traced the lines of her mouth, as his kiss moved sweetly, gently there.

  His breath became rapid in a way that matched her own, and his mouth grew fuller and more searching. The fingertips curving her chin were like a gentle embrace, but their mouths were eager and demanding. Flashes of desire rocketed through her powerfully. Urgency sang through her flesh, a forgotten melody, now in vibrant notes. She found herself wanting to twist into him. Reality begged her to twist back.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Susan Ward is a native of Santa Barbara, California, where she currently lives in a house on the side of a mountain, overlooking the Pacific Ocean. She doesn’t believe she makes sense anywhere except near the sea. She attended the University of California Santa Barbara and earned a degree in Business Administration from California State University Sacramento. She works as a Government Relations Consultant, focusing on issues of air quality and global warming. The mother of grown daughters, she lives a quiet life with her husband and her dog Emma. She can be found most often walking at Hendry’s Beach, where she writes most of her
storylines in her head while watching Emma play in the surf.

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