by Thia Finn
Dr. Grimes sat down in a chair in front of a sleek desk and held out a hand suggesting I join him in the mirror-imaged seating.
“So, Ryder Steel. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
I looked at this guy out of one eye. Whose pleasure were we talking about? Couldn’t be mine. I was miserable. My head hurt. My eyes hurt. Fuck, I hurt in general.
“Why am I here, doctor?”
“Ryder. May I call you that?” I nodded. “You’re here because you overdosed on heroin. You were found quickly by one of your bandmates, and the doctors were able to revive you.”
“Great.” My enthusiasm lacked.
“Is it? Do you remember anything about the drugs you injected?”
I thought about what he asked. “Not really. Were they something special?”
“In a broad sense, no, but in your case, it was too much.”
I nodded my head.
“The real question is, was the amount you used intentional?”
“Are you asking if I was trying to kill myself with it? If that’s what you want to know, the answer is no and yes.”
“I’m not sure it can be both.”
“Sure it can. If I died, it’d be all right. If I lived, that’s okay, too.”
“Your friends and family would disagree with you. They’ve been extremely worried about you since you arrived.”
“Oh yeah. Could have fooled me. I haven’t seen any of those fuckers show up here.”
The doctor leaned forward and retrieved a paper on his desk. “That doesn’t mean they haven’t been here. You can’t have visitors yet.” He turned the paper around, and signatures I recognized covered the form.
I took it from him. “These people have all been here?”
“Yes, or they called. They all tried to come the first day, but we informed them it would be a while before you can work up to having visitors.”
“Well, shit. I want to see my friends, explain to them—”
“And that time will come.” He looked at me over the top of his old-man half-glasses.
We spent the next hour talking about basically nothing. He asked ridiculous questions he should already have the answers to, and I tried not to look at him like he was a moron.
“Okay, I think I’ve grilled you enough for one day. Do you have any questions for me?”
“Yes.” I looked up at him. “Why the hell do good people die?”
He folded back his notebook to the beginning. It was plain, white, and sterile. He finally looked up at me and gave me a hint of a smile. “That’s a good question, Ryder. I wish I had the answer to it. Not everything in our lives is in our control, and your question is a perfect example of it.”
I stood and walked out the door. Obviously, he didn’t know any more than I did.
The next few days all passed the same. Someone showed up to make me get up. Dr. Grimes tried to get me to tell all. I had nothing to say because I knew he didn’t have the answers. I had to give it to the guy for trying, though. He never seemed exhausted over my repetitive nothingness.
On Saturday morning, I immediately knew something different was going on. Same guy, different day, showed up, but this time, he had clothes in his hands instead of my usual white wardrobe.
“Morning. Here’s some of your own clothes to wear today.” He handed the stack to me.
“Oh, really? Why do I need these unless I’m leaving?” I eyed him while still laying on my pillow.
“Dr. Grimes is going to let you have some visitors today.” He smiled at me like he knew this would make me happy.
“Hell yeah.” I sat up. “It’s about fucking time. Who’s coming? Do I get to choose who I want to see?”
“Whoa, slow down, speed racer. I don’t know the answer to any of your questions. I’m only told what I need to know. My job today is to make sure you’re ready to see visitors, and from the first actual enthusiasm I’ve seen out of you since you’ve arrived, I’m going to say yes, you’re ready.”
“Dude, I was born ready. I’m so ready to get the hell out of here, I’ll take whatever I can get.” Scooping up the clothes, I disappeared into the bathroom.
While I showered, I thought about who I truly wanted to see. Now I had a few minutes to think about the fact that anyone I saw would want to ask questions, my overzealous attitude slightly slipped away.
Dressed, I stepped out to where my helper waited. “You want to shave some of that fur off your face?” My unkempt beard stared at me in the mirror. On the road, the label’s makeup people made sure it looked perfect every night.
“Yeah, the lumberjack look might scare someone. You got a razor for me?” I turned to look at him.
He stood. “Sorry man, you have to leave the door open, so I can watch you with it.” He shrugged his shoulders.
“Right. I get it. You’re doing your job. We’ve all got them, unless this is some kind of kink you’ve got. You know, watching other men shave or something like that.” I grinned as I said it.
My true personality reached the surface a little more each day. Using H only happened a few times over the past two years. No drug was my favorite, and the booze I could take or leave. My guy helped me out with what he could score along the way. He’d never let me down before the night of the overdose.
Shit needed to be hashed out with the band and our support people before Steel could be a band again. With no contact on the outside, I had no idea what had been done already, but hopefully, that would be remedied with these visitors.
RYDER
The apprehensive step into Dr. Grimes’ office ramped up my anxiety with not knowing who to expect. The surprise landed on my shoulders because the doctor sat alone behind his desk.
“Good morning, Ryder.” He stood and motioned me in. “Come in. Gabriel says you’re excited to be wearing street clothes.”
“Yeah, it feels good to wear something of my own.” I tugged on the hem of the nondescript black t-shirt. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about lounging around, but I’m done with that.” The chair sighed under my weight as I sat opposite him. Leaning back, I draped my arm across the one beside me. With a straight look at his face, the question popped out without any thought. “So, doc, who’s coming to see me? Not that it matters. At this point, I’d be happy to see anyone.”
He looked at the top of the file before he spoke. “Well, I wanted to talk to you about visitors first. We normally don’t allow them this soon in the program. After consulting with your caregivers and staff, we all feel like you’d benefit from some contact with your people.”
“Hell yeah, I would. My band is out there fucking off without me. There’s a genuine need to know what’s going on.” The desperation in my voice rang loud, so imagining what the doctor thought scared me.
“The thing is, Ryder, you have no control over anything outside this facility at this point. Your concentration lies with getting yourself together so you can continue with the band.”
“What? There’s no doubt in my mind I’ll be continuing to lead Steel, doctor.”
“Yes, I know you believe that, but the temptation to use will be strong. Face it, the availability will be all around you. We both know, along with the band comes the alcohol, drugs, sex, or whatever your cravings may be at the time. It’s up to us to help you find a way to control this need. Of course, the easiest way to control yourself is to stay away from it.”
“That’s not going to happen, doc. Those three vices are a fact of life in the damn business.” I took a deep breath and looked back up at him. “You’re going to have to show me how the hell to work around it and not be tempted.”
He chuckled a little. “Ryder, we can teach you all day long, but unless you possess the desire not to use, it’s not going to work. We’ll do all we can, but the bottom line at staying clean is all on you. If you want it, you can do it.”
All I could do was nod my head because I already knew what he said to be true. The monkey stood directly on my shoulders. “I want it, doctor, bu
t I have some damn problems I need to deal with. Some things I can’t get out of my head.” Taking another deep breath, “Some things I don’t know how to let go.”
“And that’s where we come in, Ryder. If you want to do this and will let us help you, we can show you how to let them go or at least how to deal with the situation when it starts taking over you again. It’s a matter of trust on your part. Do you trust me… us, enough to work with our group?”
Thinking about letting Laina go scared the shit out of me. I never wanted to forget her, but continuing to live this way marked a slow descent into total destruction. The band needed me too much to let that happen. We all had our skeletons but none as bad or as the fucked-up ones that had taken my mind hostage. Damn it, I needed to man up and get on with my life.
I stared directly at him. “You’re right, doc. This is all on me. You think you can help me crawl out of this hellhole I’m stuck in?”
He stood and stuck out his hand to shake mine. “Yes, Ryder. We’ll help you, and you’ve finally taken the first step to improvement.” We shook on it. “Now, let’s talk about visitors.”
The guys stood around in the outdoor courtyard where they’d been told to wait. When I turned the corner to head out the door, I stopped and watched them for a second. They were my family. We’d been together for over five years now. Even when we did dumbass stuff, we stuck together. We always had each other’s back. Our past told me they wouldn’t let me down now either. My need for their help weighed heavily, but I hoped they were willing to raise up and help pull me through one more time.
Joel spotted me through the tall glass window and grinned.
“Okay, Ryder Fucking Steel. You’re on. Let’s do this,” I said out loud to myself.
“Well, look who the cat’s dragged up.” Joel met me at the doorway and took my hand but pulled me in close patting me on the back. “Dude, you look good, damn good.”
Daniel, Brett, and Jason joined in and took their turn greeting me in the same way. I knew counting on these guys would never be an issue. We were family.
We sat in the chairs with the morning sun illuminating every direction I looked. For the first time in forever, the five of us stayed in one place and held a real conversation. I knew they kept it light avoiding the burning questions in the beginning. Hell, they might completely skip the important stuff, so I brought it up myself.
“Okay, so now we’re all over the bullshit of what’s been happening, I need to talk to y’all about what we’re trying to tap dance around.” Terror crossed their faces. Never realizing how hard my fuck-up was for them, making this right became even clearer to me.
“First off, damn, I’m glad y’all agreed to come see my sorry ass, but it’s been better that they wouldn’t let you come before now.”
“We tried hard, Ryder,” Daniel started. “We wanted to know you were okay, but they wouldn’t tell us shit.”
“I gotta tell y’all the truth. I’m not okay. Better, yes. Okay to leave, no. The doctor thinks if I stay for six more weeks, I can look at leaving with hopes of never returning. I’ll probably still see a counselor for a while after I leave.” I hung my head hating to admit the truth. “Maybe forever, but I’ll be able to leave and resume playing with the band.”
They all spoke at once agreeing the news was great. “I’m going to need all of your help, especially in the beginning. This problem I’m having isn’t going to go away. Once an addict, always an addict. There’s only one good thing about it… I didn’t use H but a few times, and never on a regular basis.”
Jason focused on me while the others refused to meet my eyes as I looked at each one of them. “Hell, Ryder, we should’ve been more aware of what was really going on with you. You know, how deep you were in. We fucked up in that department.”
Brett joined him. “Yeah, we did fuck it up. Maybe we didn’t want to admit how bad it was getting because then we’d have to deal with it. None of us wanted to get up in your shit.”
“Right, none of us wanted to face the fact that deep down we knew you were hurting,” Joel finally spoke up. “I mean, we weren’t down with it, but we all knew you were like legit trying to cope the best you could. It sucked big ones that you got that way, and we should have been baggin’ on you to management. Like, you know, we aren’t narcs. Besides, we never saw you hanging out with the lowlifes or anything.”
We all stared at Joel with blank faces. I finally looked at the other three. “Who is this guy? I mean, like did he totally spend like the last three weeks jetting to the valley to hang with the mall chicks or something?” We all laughed so hard both at Joel and my reply to him.
Brett finally spoke up. “No man, he found one in Austin who had moved from California, and she’s managed to Val-speak him into a new generation. Like totally.” We all laughed again as Joel turned all shades of red in the face.
“Shut the fuck up. Y’all know what I was saying.”
We all chimed in together. “Totally.”
Our conversation felt lighter for the rest of the visit. We discussed band business, family, and when I would be getting back to Texas. Since the world knew I was in rehab, the remaining dates of the tour had been canceled. The flipside of fame and notoriety was life in front of a camera, and the world knew your worst secrets.
We made our way to the front door when Daniel spoke up. “I got something for you. We called, and they told us it would be okay to bring it. It’s in the rental car. Let me get it.”
He sprinted out the entryway, and I turned with a puzzled look at the others. “Are y’all sure it’s okay with the doc?”
“Yeah, we called before we got on the jet this morning to double check with him,” Brett answered.
I nodded. “Hey, thanks for coming all this way. I appreciate what y’all are doing out there to keep me out of the fucking spotlight.”
“Dude. We’ve been trying to like jet out here, but they totally wouldn’t let us,” Joel said.
“Dude. I don’t know if I can like fucking take you talking like this all the damn time.”
“Oh, right. I’ll try to break that shit over the next few weeks.”
The door opened before we could laugh at him again.
“My guitar!” I almost cried in front of the guys. I took it from Daniel as though he handed me a precious piece of gold. “Thanks, guys. You don’t know how much I’ve missed my girl. They’ve got a piano in here that I’ve banged around on, but it’s not my guitar. I’ve written enough lyrics to fill a notebook, but hell, the music plays on a constant record in my head. I’m anxious to get it down on paper.
“Well, that’s damn good to hear because we brought you another notebook, too.” Daniel pulled the folded spiral from his back pocket. “We figured you’d need it until you’re able to leave.”
“I’d kiss y’all for this, but then the doctor might think something more was going on and want to keep me longer.” We all laughed as I handed the case over to the gatekeeper at the door so it could be checked for anything other than a guitar. I looked back at the guys. “They take fucking security serious at this place.” They all nodded as though they understood.
We shook and hugged before they passed through the glass doors. I looked at the receptionist and stepped out holding the door open. We weren’t allowed out in front of the facility, but I knew her hawk eyes never left me, so I risked it.
The horn honked, and we waved at each other as they drove off. I turned and pulled the door closed behind me making sure the older woman watched, then walked back to my room with my girl and the new notebook in my hand. Nothing stood between me and songwriting now. I couldn’t wait to take it out of the case.
SIX WEEKS LATER
“Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Whitmore, I understand.” Dr. Grimes spoke quietly into his phone. “Ryder, I know this isn’t what you wanted. No one wants to return to rehab but in this case, it’s more of a time for dealing with the memories that tried to keep you down the first time. The loss of your girlfriend pres
ents new problems. The easy thing to do is self-medicate with substances and alcohol, and we both know where that’s going to get you.”
I leaned back in the chair and stared at the ceiling. “Fuck yeah, I know but it doesn’t make it any easier, doctor. I always had hope before. I hoped that Liana would come to her senses and find me. I hoped she’d have my kid and realize I was out there waiting for her. I wanted to play every little town on the map with the hope my face would turn up in a photo and she would know who Ryder Steel was.”
I stood and paced the room. “But hell no. None of that happened. And now,” I turned and looked him right in the eyes. “Now there’s no reason to continue any of this. No reason to make music, to tour, to go home, to do shit. Now, there’s no damn reason left for me to live. If I can’t have what I want most in life, why bother?”
He leaned forward in his chair and stared right back at me. The look said he meant every word about to spew from his mouth. “And that, Ryder Steel, is the reason you are here.”
PRESENT DAY
TAKEN FROM ASSURE HER
DAY OF RECONNECTION - 13 RECORDING STUDIO
CHANDLER
The man I knew as a big rock and roll legend, covered in tats and piercings on every visible surface and a face weathered beyond his years, couldn’t speak to me. He fell to his knees in front of me and laid his head on my lap. The tears that flowed freely from him matched the ones I could no longer hold back.
KeeMac and the other band members from Assured Distraction quietly stepped out to give the two of us the privacy we needed to cope with the tragedy causing our twenty plus years of separation.
Fathers and daughters shouldn’t be forced to endure a loss like this.
Who had the right to take away a lifetime of childhood memories?
After we both had time to collect ourselves, he regained his composure and spoke. “I was praying you would forgive me, Chandler, for running out on you like I did at our first meeting. I was a coward, plain and simple. I knew it when I saw you,” he finally said to me. He looked me straight in the eyes before taking out contacts revealing aqua blue eyes matching my own.
