by Thia Finn
“Oh. My. God!” I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. “Why? Why did you cover them up?”
“The first douchebag manager we had said they were too washed out under the stage lights, so I started wearing brown ones. The two colors together made my eyes look wicked, and I was a kid then so looking ‘wicked’ sounded like a damn good idea. By the time we made it big, everyone was so used to them, I never changed. Only my inner circle and family has ever seen me without them.”
He stood up and opened his arms asking for permission. When I nodded he pulled me to him, wrapped me in a bear-hug, and lifted me off the ground. “You don’t know what’s running through my mind, Chandler. I have so many things I want to ask you, so much I want to know about your entire life. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you, but I never knew.
“Your grandparents took my precious Laina away from me. We were lovesick kids, Chandler. Please believe they refused to tell me anything about her. Said it was for both our own good. Fucking people. They kept the greatest thing I’ve ever done from me all this time. I could kill them all!”
“I don’t understand how you never found me before, Ryder. Didn’t you ever try to look for my mom and me?” So many questions plagued me, but this one I wanted the answer to so badly.
He pulled me back to the couch. “I didn’t know about you, Chandler. You don’t know what happened to me during that time. The band had been trying so hard to get our name out there and get signed with a label. Hell, all we ever wanted was to play our music and be on top. When we finally got the chance to go, we had to jump at it, but it meant leaving your mom behind. She was getting everything ready to leave for University of Texas the moment classes started in the fall. When this shit started, it all happened so fast.” He repeated the story about the night Laina shared with him the possibility of being pregnant.
“We didn’t get back to Austin ‘til after 3:00 a.m. When I finally rolled my sorry ass into bed, I slept most of the next day. I called your mom as soon as I woke and got nothing. No one would answer the damn phone. I went over there, and the place was locked up tight, both cars gone. I couldn’t find them anywhere. I even went to the police, and they took one look at me and informed me they had no fucking reports of any wrongdoings. Told me adults could leave without my permission. Someone disconnected her phone the next day. After that, I heard nothing. My parents tried to help, too. When her parents came home a week later without Laina, the sorry pieces of shit refused to give me any information other than she was doing what she wanted, and it had nothing to do with me. She never tried to contact me, so I figured they were telling the truth. I had no idea where to start looking. Believe me when I say, I would have gone to the ends of the earth trying to find your mom. I loved her, Chandler.
“It was the worst fucking time in my life, Chandler. You have to know that.” He captured my hands between his and kissed them. “The band was opening for a huge band, and we were getting noticed by a lot of labels. Our fame kinda blew up. I was totally fucked up, though, after losing your mom. I started drinking more and then came the drugs. Hell, they were easy to come by with so many assholes out there ready to deliver. A year later, I was in rehab for a couple of months.” He lowered and shook his head remembering the lost years. “I wrote some of our best music to date while I was in there. That’s where Stolen came from. It was and still is our biggest hit. The lyrics to that song came out of me during the worst days of my life.
“Shortly after I got out of that damn rehab, my parents received the news that Laina was dead. I went completely off the deep end. I hadn’t seen her. I never got to say goodbye. I couldn’t handle it all. My first thought was I needed a drink and something to make me forget. Honestly, I wanted to forget it all.” Ryder stood and grabbed the back of his chair.
Looking down at me, he said something I knew he wished he didn’t have to say. “I was ready to die, darlin’. When I started talking that kind of crazy, the guys took action. Got my parents involved, and they got me back into the rehab facility for the second time.” The look in his eyes told me his confession hurt him deeply, but since he felt the need to come clean about the entire situation, hearing it all was necessary.
He turned away and took a deep breath. “Those were really dark days, but I came out a hell of a lot better for it. I truly dealt with my grief and my depression. Ultimately, I dealt with my addictions.” He whipped back around to face me, to show he faced his demons head-on. “I fight the fucking addictions every single day. Thank God, I worked through it all, though.” Ryder sat down beside me and added, “I still see my therapist occasionally.”
I reached for his hands and held them in mine this time. I needed the connection and believed he did, too, considering what he’d told me. Looking at the anguish Ryder was going through told me the kind of man he was.
He said nothing for a second, and I waited for him to regain some composure, before he continued, “I’m so sorry I left you like that when I saw you in Denver. I couldn’t deal. The old demons rushed my brain with memories better left forgotten. Leaving you standing there was difficult, but I recognized the signs. I needed help to come to terms with them even after all these years. I’ve spent the last weekend in the facility for some intense sessions with my doctor.
“When I saw you with my own eyes staring back at me and heard your story, it was like reliving the worst fucking nightmare of my life. Now that I’ve had time to get my head together, I realize what an idiot I was to walk away. At that moment, it was the best thing I could do for both of us.” A line appeared between his drawn brows.
“Please say you’ll forgive me?” The sincerity on his face almost gutted me. “I’ll understand if you don’t or need time to consider everything I’ve told you. Fuck, I know it’s a lot, Chandler. I’m ready to deal with the blowback from my actions, but I hope you’ll find a place in your heart to forgive one sorry-ass, shell-shocked Dad,” he pleaded with tears in his eyes.
All I could do was wrap him in a hug and hold on for dear life. We found each other, finally. And I had no intentions of letting him go. For better or worse, we had a start to being a family. A relationship void of lies and secrets. A place to start building something we could both be a part of. Together, father and daughter.
RYDER
Sitting in the jet going to our next stop on the tour, I watched KeeMac and Chandler tangled together on a long couch. No doubt about it, they were in love. It made my heart happy to see my daughter had found her person. I knew she searched for someone to love her, especially now with her adopted parents gone. The kid lived a lie, but the truth almost tore her apart from what they told me.
The idea I had something to do with her pain nearly gutted me every time it crossed my mind. Knowing I had hurt her again after she found me made it even worse, but with the shape I was in, there was no way I would attempt to reconcile with her until I could get my head back on straight. Thank God Dr. Grimes agreed to see me on the spur of the moment. He knew what was happening could cause me to do something I’d later regret.
Here I was, though, flying on our jet, watching my daughter sleep across from me. I smiled to myself knowing life couldn’t get much better.
“What are you smiling about?” Joel took notice as he sat in the chair next to me.
“The fact that after all these years, I have a kid, and she accepts me flaws and all.”
“We tried to tell you that for a long time. The love you have for a child is unconditional.”
“I know. I guess it took her forgiving me before I could forgive myself.”
Joel nodded. “This Austin trip rates as one of the best in a long time.”
“Hell, it’s the absolute best for me.”
“Maybe now you’ll agree to come home more often. Shit, maybe we’ll even play for the hometown again. It’s been years since we’ve played in Austin.”
“I know, and I regret we didn’t. Maybe I’d have found her before now if we had.”
“Doubt
ful, and besides, you can’t change the past. No use in letting it bother you any longer.”
“You’re right. Can’t change what’s done, but we can make it a helluva future.”
“Yeah, who knows, the great Ryder Steel might even let himself find a woman and fall in love.”
“The hell you say. Who’d want this old, used up rocker?”
“Dude, you’re barely in your forties, not your eighties.” Joel laughed.
“I don’t know. I feel eighty some days.” My fingers raked through the longer hair I still had on the top of my head. I wore it long when we started the band and pulled it up to secure it with a leather string. That mess got old though, with it constantly in my face, so I chopped it off.
“Isn’t that the damn truth? I feel it every day when I crawl out of bed. Maybe we should have taken better care of ourselves when we were their age.” He nodded over at the sleeping kids.
“You’re damn straight we should have, but we still rock better than most of them.” We bumped fists before I laid back in my chair and closed my eyes. “I think it’s time for my siesta.”
“I hear ya.” He reclined his chair.
I don’t know who snored faster between the two of us.
G’ANNA
“Don’t leave until we compare schedules, please.” I looked down at my personal assistant and smiled.
“What would I do without you?” I opened the appointment app on my phone. “I have a consult with another band at ten, and then I’m heading over to the studio to see what time I need to leave to catch up with the bands. Steel and Assured Distraction left this morning.”
“Right. You plan to hit every U.S. stop with them until they leave for Europe?” Trudy never took her eyes off the screen as she scrolled around the planner.
“Yeah, probably. Only a few shows are playing here before crossing the pond. They must need some warm-up shows or something. It’s their first time on tour together. I’ll catch up only for the shows, they want new pics taken overseas. I have a couple of other bands to shoot along the way.”
“Yeah, and don’t forget your cousin’s wedding in a few months. She’s going to want bridal portraits, the day of pictures.” She rolled her hand in the air indicating all things wedding.
“Don’t remind me. What was I thinking when I told my mom, yes, to shooting it for her? Ugh, weddings. Pain in the ass. She’ll want specific shots more than candids.” Trudy looked up and gave me the evil eye. “Don’t look at me like that. You know I hate making a list of pictures. Mom and Dad, the wedding party, and on and on. People get bored waiting for the food and the fun to begin.”
“Yeah, but it’s her wedding, and she should have what she wants.”
“You’re so right, but it doesn’t have to be me taking them. I wonder if I could find her someone else. I’d be willing to pay for a better wedding photographer than me.”
“G’Anna. You’re terrible. Cara is family. You should want to do this.”
My heavy camera bag which I’d taken home last night to clean the lenses, slung around behind me when I hauled it off the table. “I know you’re right, but ugh… I don’t want to do this.”
When my phone beeped, I walked to my workroom slash office. I glanced down to see Chandler’s name on the screen followed by the text.
Chandler: Thought you were going to fly up with us.
Setting the bag on the tabletop, I typed…
G’Anna: I planned to but decided to wait and join y’all a little later.
It only took a second, and the phone rang. I knew Chandler wouldn’t let it go.
“You could’ve flown with us on the private jet. Nothing like it in the world.”
“I know, but I had some things to do this morning. The guys from Misunderstood wanted a consult about shooting the cover for their new EP.”
“That’s fantastic. Should be a piece of cake if you get them all in one place, not playing music, and sober.”
I laughed knowing she spoke the truth. “Yeah, they haven’t outgrown their band childhood. Banging, booze, and bitches.” We both laughed.
“Yeah, I’m sure I’ll get my fill of that before we get off tour. Carter and Gunner plan to whore their way across Europe when we go.”
“TMI, I don’t need to hear about those two. Now I’m going to think about it every time I look through the lens at them.”
Chandler’s loud laugh made me move the phone back from my ear. Dropping it on the table, I turned on the speaker. “Better than me. I have to witness it at every stop.”
“True. Sorry. At least they’re pleasant to look at.” These guys were too hot for their own good. They put the S is sex with their perfect bodies and drop-dead gorgeous faces.
I’d seen them shirtless more than once and knew how wild the women went when they stripped down at the end of a set to throw the sweat-drenched fabric at the audience. More than once, it almost caused a fight, and I stood too close for comfort with my cameras dangling around my neck.
“Eww. I don’t even want to talk about that. I’ve also seen a lot of other things they do living on the bus with them. Believe me when I say, you don’t want pictures.”
“Oh, right. Like having all that testosterone around twenty-four-seven is such a hardship.”
“All I can say is sweaty bodies confined to a bus isn’t something to get excited over.”
“Well, I’d take your place, but they’d look at me like I was their mother, and that would only make me feel old.”
“You’re not old. Everyone in Steel is older than you and look how much their bodies still light up an audience. The women go crazy for those guys just as much as the young ones in Assured Distraction.”
“True. I guess I don’t think about the members of Steel being around my age.”
“Yeah, and look at Ryder. More flying panties land around his feet than Keeton dreams of, or used to.”
Remarks from people in the background filtered through her phone and across my speaker. I laughed at whichever band member made the noises.
“Shut up. No one wants to see hot pink, double D bras landing at their mic stand, Carter,” Chandler chastised the bass player. I knew he had a smartass comeback for her, but the words met her fingers covering the phone mic. “Anyway, G’Anna. We’ll see you soon, then?”
“Sure, I’ll be there ready to go tomorrow.” I glanced at Trudy and raised my eyebrows. She shrugged her shoulders confirming I should be able to get there by then before saying my goodbyes.
The studio where I’d planned to meet the new clients wasn’t too far from my office. The young guys sat around in the lounge playing on their phones when I stepped through the doorway.
“Hello. I’m G’Anna Lucian. I’m supposed to have an appointment with Misunderstood about photos.” They all looked up at me, but only one stood and spoke.
“Hey, I’m Britton, the lead singer and spokesman for the band.” He shook my hand briefly.
As we shook, I looked him closely in the face. This band appeared barely out of diapers. I wonder if they realize how much I charge for a shoot. Surely, Trudy told them all about the fees when she booked this appointment.
“Ms. Lucian, we need to have a great photo to use for our cover. Your name came up over and over when we asked around, so I’m assuming you specialize in that.”
“My photos cross many lines of the photography business, but yes, I’ve shot many bands before. If you looked at my work online, you’ve seen how many album covers I’ve done and how many magazine covers I’ve taken of bands.”
“Right.” He pointed his finger at me like it was a gun and clicked his tongue. Cocky much?
“We’ve brainstormed ideas about how we want it shot already and are prepared to discuss them with you today.” He turned and looked at the other guys and jerked his head sideways indicating they needed to join us at the only table in the room. He held out his hand in its direction. “Please, join us.”
I walked to the table, and he pulled out my
chair. At least someone tried to teach him manners. “Okay. Let me start by saying timing is going to be tight for me. I’m leaving on a four-month European tour with a band. I’ll be back in three months for a brief visit to fulfill a family obligation.”
“And you’re leaving when?” Britton asked. His tone told me immediately he was displeased with what I’d already said.
“Actually, I’m leaving as soon as we’re done. The band is playing a couple of shows in New York and want me there tonight to capture the first one.”
“Hmmm… interesting.” He looked down at the table. “Is this Assured Distraction and Steel?”
I usually didn’t share the finer points of my schedule with clients, but the well-advertised concert wasn’t a secret. “Yes, it is.”
“So, from what you’re saying, I’m assuming you're starting their big Euro tour with them when you leave.” He cocked an eyebrow.
Right away, I knew this shoot wouldn’t happen. I didn’t like his attitude or smartass comments. Answering to this kid wasn’t my style.
“Well?” he continued with the inquiry.
“Look, Britton…” I started folding my calendar and papers back together. This interrogation was over. “I don’t think I’m the right person to do your cover shot. Our styles don’t click. Your band needs to find someone else. If you’d like a recommendation for someone who will do a fantastic job for you, call my office and talk to my secretary.”
He stood so fast his chair fell over backward causing all the other members to stand, too. Looking around, I jumped to my feet. Intimidation tactics never worked with me.
“Not so fast, Ms. Lucian, please.” He took in a breath. “We only want the best to take the picture, and we both know it’s you. So, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.”
