The Darwin Awards 6: Countdown to Extinction
Page 1
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Introduction
CHAPTER 11 - FOOD: OUT TO LUNCH!
SCIENCE INTERLUDE THE MYSTERY OF SUPER-TOXIC SNAKE VENOM
CHAPTER 10 - FATHER KNOWS BEST
SCIENCE INTERLUDE DNA FOSSILS: THE EVOLUTION OF HIV
CHAPTER 9 - WORKING NINE TO FIVE
SCIENCE INTERLUDE RNAI: INTERFERENCE BY MOTHER NATURE
CHAPTER 8 - PRIVATE PARTS: CAUGHT WITH THEIR PANTS DOWN
SCIENCE INTERLUDE WHY BOTHER WITH SEX?
CHAPTER 7 - WOMEN: WILL SHE OR WON’T SHE?
SCIENCE INTERLUDE SEX ON THE BRAIN
CHAPTER 6 - THE FAST TRACK: TRAINS, CARS, AND BAR STOOLS!
SCIENCE INTERLUDE LEFT BEHIND: VESTIGIAL STRUCTURES
CHAPTER 5 - EXPLOSIONS: TICKING TIME BOMB
SCIENCE INTERLUDE EVOLVING CANCER
CHAPTER 4 - ELECTRICITY: COMMON GROUNDS
SCIENCE INTERLUDE QUORUM SENSING: SECRET LANGUAGE OF BACTERIA
CHAPTER 3 - TOOLS: THE MONKEY WRENCH
SCIENCE INTERLUDE RAPID EVOLUTION
CHAPTER 2 - RANDOM ACTS OF RIDICULOUSNESS
SCIENCE INTERLUDE BATTY BEHAVIOR
CHAPTER 1 - DOUBLE DARWINS! TWICE AS NICE
CHAPTER 0 - FAQ: YOU ASK, WE TELL
APPENDIX A - SURVIVAL TIPS
APPENDIX B - STAFF BIOGRAPHIES
STORY INDEX
LOCATION INDEX
ALSO BY WENDY NORTHCUTT
The Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action
The Darwin Awards 2: Unnatural Selection
The Darwin Awards 3: Survival of the Fittest
The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design
The Darwin Awards Next Evolution:
Chlorinating the Gene Pool
The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction contains cautionary tales of misadventure. It is intended to be a safety manual, not a how-to guide. The stories illustrate evolution working through natural selection. Those whose actions have lethal personal consequences are ushered out of the gene pool. Your decisions can kill you, so pay attention and stay alive.
DUTTON
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Published by Dutton, a member of Penguin Group ( USA) Inc.
First printing, October 2010
Copyright © 2010 by Wendy Northcutt
All rights reserved
Illustrations by Kevin Buckley
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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA
Northcutt, Wendy.
The Dar win Awards countdown to extinction / Wendy Northcutt.
p. cm.
eISBN : 978-1-101-44465-8
1. Stupidity—Anecdotes. 2. Stupidity—Humor. I. Title.
BF4 31.N
081—dc
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Dedicated to helpful, loving people:
Kevin Buckley quit his job to illustrate this book!
Many a pleasant evening has been spent discussing death with the likes of Eric Biederman, Alicia & Brian Nitpick Watrous, Peter and Suzi Anvin, Kathleen and Brian De Smet, Tara Tolles, Lisa Davis, Krista Anderson, and many other patient, witty people. Ariane La Gauche sprinkled enchanting turns of phrase everywhere. Stephen Darksyde edited science essays—free! And generous volunteer moderators continue to make the whole system work.
Thank you, Tommy Kay L evin, for much more than feeding me. Thank you, Joe da Rosa of Bodyworks Specialists, for making house calls.
and . . .
Thank you, Greg Levin, for fetching coffee in the morning.
Thank you for washing laundry and being a quiet kitchen elf.
Thank you for editing essays with me during long car drives.
Thanks for reassembling the drawer that fell apart over that godforsaken oubliette.
Thank you for playing Race for the Galaxy whenever and wherever I want.
Thank you for finding my cell phone.
Thank you for finding my purse too.
Thank you for finding me.
Nine no-no’s noes with power tools
Eight ways to incinerate yourself
Seven safety warnings not to ignore
Six sexy survival tips
Five fiery fiascos
Four Double Darwins
Three watery whoops!
Two damaged digits
One delightful book of doom
Now, with zombies!
INTRODUCTION
The Darwin Awards, named in honor of Charles Darwin, salute the improvement of the human genome by commemorating those who accidentally remove themselves from it—thereby ensuring that the next generation is descended from one less idiot. Of necessity, this honor is usually bestowed posthumously.
To win a Darwin Award, an adult must eliminate himself from the gene pool in an astonishingly stupid way that is verifiably true. Most stories are verified by news reports or by reliable eyewitnesses such as emergency responders.
Past winners include a thief who thought it was wise to steal copper wire without shutting off the electric current, and a farmer who avoided bee stings by sealing his head in a plastic bag. We have also honored individuals who offered a bear a beer, jumped a draw-bridge gap on a motorbike, or peered into a gas tanker with a lighter.
This book is packed with a pirate’s booty of new winners and at-risk survivors. We begin with the following surprise nominee . . .
At-Risk Survivor: Meet the Author! “Breaking” News
AUGUST 2009, CALIFORNIA | Wendy “Darwin�
� Northcutt, writer of humorous obituaries and author of six Darwin Awards books, nearly made her own dark list in a clever attempt to cool her house. During a California heat wave, she opened up a grate in the hallway floor intending to install a fan and, by this device, force basement air up into the house. Before she could finish the air-conditioning job, the phone rang.
Distracted, three hours passed before Wendy wandered back down the hall and fell through the grate. The author nearly became the eponymous Darwin Award winner. Thankfully this time she survived, and a broken leg was the price she paid for the lesson:
Never walk away from a hole in the floor.
Reader Comments
“I’d recommend walking away from holes. It’s turning around and walking back that’s dangerous.”
“If you can walk away from such an experience—be ‘grate’ful!” “. . . and she works for Mr. Darwin!”
Now, let’s dive into a sea of stories about those who flounder in the shallow end of the gene pool!
CHAPTER 11
FOOD: OUT TO LUNCH!
“I don’t believe in evolution, but sometimes you realize that it would be beneficial to the human race! ”
—Fan mail
In the mood for a sweet treat? Humans nourish themselves on high-voltage cake batter, fruitcake firebombs, and chewing gum that will blow your mind. In the mood to be a treat? Read on for encounters with submerged crocodiles, decidedly un-docile deer, lethal ligers, and zombies! These people are literally out to lunch.
Doublemint Dumb Chewing Gum • Not Fast Enough Food • Teeming with Crocodiles • Ninja Deer Hunter • The Mane Attraction • Not Even Half-Baked • The Great Fruitcake Incident • Hot Buns • Hard Science, with Zombies!
Darwin Award Winner: Doublemint Dumb Chewing Gum
Confirmed by Darwin
Featuring food, explosions, and science!
5 DECEMBER 2009, RUSSIA | A twenty-five-year-old chemistry student of the Kiev Polytechnic Institute had the peculiar habit of dipping his chewing gum in citric acid crystals while he worked, presumably to add a tart, zesty flavor. He was hunched over at a computer in his parents’ house in the city of Konotop when, whether by intention or inattention, the student dunked his gum into an unidentified chemical explosive and stuck it back into his mouth.
According to news reports, “a loud pop” was heard coming from his room.
Putting aside the question of why he was doing chemistry at home, the student was well aware of the need to keep chemicals away from food. Every laboratory emphasizes the importance of “No Food!” because it is easy to drink the wrong liquid or salt your salad with arsenic. He knew better. But there he was, deceased, the lower part of his face blown off.
A forensic examination established that the remains of the chewing gum was covered with a dangerous substance that the local laboratory did not have the necessary equipment to identify. Police found packets of citric acid and packets of a similar-looking explosive material, and think the student simply confused the two.
Reference: lenta.ru, en.rian.ru, RIA Novosti
Reader Comments
“The new chewing gum that will blow your mind!”
“Must have been one heckuva of a bubble.”
“The ultimate bubble!”
“The flavor blew him away.”
“This is a jaw dropper.”
“He really lost his head.”
Darwin Award Winner: Not Fast Enough Food
Confirmed by Darwin
Featuring food and a liger!
30 OCTOBER 2008, OKLAHOMA | Peter G., thirty-two, was an accomplished big cat keeper. With his huge heart and ability to connect with animals, this former Tulsa Zookeeper was the perfect volunteer at Safari’s Animal Sanctuary in Broken Arrow. Perfect—until the Liger Incident.
You may ask, as we asked, “What’s a liger?”
Ligers are unusual animals, a sterile cross between a male lion and a female tiger, and (like mules) not a species in their own right. Although a liger is an evolutionary dead end, this powerful hybrid is the largest of big cats. Rocky, the liger that lived in Broken Arrow, was considered to be a big baby—yet he was not, by any means, a domestic animal. The wildlife sanctuary manager said, “In all my years we’ve stressed that whatever you do, don’t open that gate.”
“Peter did not follow very obvious safety rules.”
Peter opened that gate.
For reasons unknown, he entered the liger cage during feeding time, only to become an appetizer for the hungry carnivore. Although he dragged himself out of the cage before becoming the main course, he died in the hospital that night.
Peter was loved, and he will be missed. But he was well aware of the dangers posed by captive wild animals. By not following very obvious safety rules, Peter was behaving with all the care and caution typical of a Darwin Award winner.
Burp.
Reference: Daily Mail, dailymail.co.uk, cryptomundo.com
Reader Comments
“Fancy Feast.”
“Human-meat kitty treat.”
A liger is a hybrid cross between a male lion (Panthera leo) and a female tiger (Panthera tigris). A tiglon is a hybrid cross between a male tiger and a female lion. Ligers and tiglons exist only in captivity because the parent species’ territories do not overlap. Ligers typically grow to enormous sizes while tiglons do not exceed the size of either parent. Male ligers and tiglons are sterile but females occasionally produce offspring. Tiglon-lion cubs are known as litigons, and tiglon-tiger cubs are called titigons!
Darwin Award Winner: Teeming with Crocodiles
Confirmed by Darwin
Featuring a woman, water, food, and a crocodile
1 JANUARY 2010, SOUTH AFRICA | Pop quiz, class! Do you or don’t you go swimming in the crocodile-infested Limpopo River? Do you or don’t you leave your friends on the banks of the great gray-green Limpopo and swim in its dark and ominous waters? Let’s just say it was a short New Year for Mariska B., twenty-seven, a waitress and former swimmer.
According to a long-time resident of Phalaborwa, locals know, “You don’t even put a toe in the river. It’s teeming with crocodiles and hippos.” But Mariska—a local who knew better—went into the waters of the Olifants River (the main tributary to the Limpopo) not once, not twice, but three times that day. And on her third refreshing dip of the day, she didn’t have time to scream or struggle; friends saw just a ripple on the water where seconds before she had been swimming. Swimming, metaphorically, in the shallow end.
Olifants = Elephants
Did I mention that the river was strictly prohibited? Police searched for Mariska’s body with long poles, and with the sensitive chemical detectors known as sniffer dogs, but found no trace. The cycle of life continues.
Reference: News24.com
Reader Comment
“The world is not a petting zoo.”
“If the police had sent in divers looking for the body, serial Darwin Awards could have been issued. Happily, justice was blind but not stupid.”
At-Risk Survivor: Ninja Deer Hunter
Unconfirmed Personal Account
Featuring hunting, food, and a deer
1996, TEXAS | My father’s friend, Joe, was out in one of the many hunting leases in southeast Texas, looking for a delicious hunk of venison on the hoof. When he failed to return to home base, his worried wife went to check on him. She found him in an unconscious state with blood and puncture wounds all about his body! Joe suffered no lasting damage, despite his incredibly risky misadventure:
That morning he had been in a climbing stand up in a tree above an open creek bottom—his favorite spot—when he heard a deer blow at his back. He didn’t risk turning to look, for fear of spooking the animal, so he quietly waited . . . until a large buck sauntered just under the tree he was in! Apparently he did not have time to carefully determine his best course of action. Rather than lean down and shoot the animal in the head, an easy kill, he opted to attack with a large hunting kn
ife.
Positioning himself in a catlike crouch, he pounced on the deer, intending to close the deal on what could have been an awesome deer-slaying story. But when he landed, the trajectory of the knife was slightly askew. He swung the blade under the buck’s throat and into his own opposing thigh.
Since he landed on the animal’s neck, it had no trouble determining its own best course of action. It threw its large rack back into the man’s face. Following the head butt the hunter lost consciousness, and what followed is clear speculation based on the blood trail and shreds of clothing. He appeared to have been dragged about forty yards across the forest floor before his flannel jacket—being the main reason for staying on the buck after the eight-second buzzer—tore loose and released him from the beast.
He did not have time to carefully determine his best course of action.
In time, he healed completely, and that stand is still Joe’s favorite hunting spot!
Reference: Grady Woods
Deer occasionally gain an advantage over their primary predators. “I had this idea that I was going to catch a deer, put it in a stall, sweet feed it on corn for a few weeks, then butcher it. Yum! Corn-fed venison. The first step in this adventure was acquiring a live deer. . . .” Things go from bad to worse in “Roping a Deer,” from Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool (Plume, 2009).