My Mother Grows Wallflowers

by C. L. Howland

  Lilith nodded, tucking the bundle under her arm. “Remember, Mina is supposed to be staying over with Winona, and you’ll have to be up early to get to Manchester by eight o’clock, so not all night, okay?” She reminded him as she climbed into the car.

  “Yes, Ma’am.” Sam saluted his mother.

  “Don’t be smart,” Lilith said as they backed out of the parking space. “Mina, keep him out of trouble. Okay, girls, knock it off,” she warned in the general vicinity of the back seat as the girls made their usual kissing noises, followed by laughter, hers and theirs, as the car drove away.

  “Ready?” Sam bent to give her a kiss before they headed toward the student parking lot. Climbing in, Mina waited, listening to him rummaging around in his duffel bag, and the thunk of his dress shoes as they hit the truck bed. When he slid in next to her, he wore shorts and flip flops. Mina wasn’t surprised; he was a master of quick changes.

  He started the motor. “Where to?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Did you want to go to Project Graduation?”

  She shook her head.

  “There are quite a few parties going on. One of those?”

  She shook her head again.

  “Okay. Your turn then.”

  “How about Regent’s Pool?” she asked in a quiet voice, her eyes trained on her lap.

  “Regent’s? You want to go swimming?”

  “Not necessarily. I don’t know. It’ll probably be quiet there.” Mina leaned her head on the back of the seat, before rolling it toward him. “It’s the first place you ever kissed me.”

  Sam pulled the truck into gear. “Regent’s it is.”

  She said nothing, just slid closer. They rode in silence to the lower parking lot by the bridge.

  “Here. I almost forgot.” He pulled down the visor and dropped something in her hand.

  Mina stared at the two keys on the ring. “What are these for?”

  “You. Keys to the truck. I want you to drive it while I’m gone, so you won’t have to ride the bus and can go to West Leb when you want.”

  “I can’t do that.” Mina shook her head. “It’s your truck. You might need it where you’re stationed.”

  “I’m not taking it. The insurance is all paid. Besides, you’d be doing me a favor. It’s not good for vehicles to sit around; everything will seize up.”

  “I can’t.” She shoved the keys back at him. “How would I explain it to my parents? Let Winona drive it.”

  “She doesn’t like it. Don’t get upset. It doesn’t matter. Okay? Just keep the keys, in case of an emergency.”

  Nodding, Mina tucked the keys into the pocket of her sun dress and pushed open the door to get out. Sam grabbed the blanket he kept behind the seat for the drive-in, and they walked through the covered bridge. The soles of Mina’s flat sandals echoed on the pavement. Moonlight washed over everything as they exited the other side.

  “Wow, look at that moon. It’s like daylight out here,” Sam said as they easily picked their way down the stairs. The path down to Regent’s was dark, but once they hit the field, the full moon lit their way again. Coming to the edge of the river by the boulder, Sam kicked off his flip flops and spread out the blanket.

  Mina studied the moon as Sam came up behind her, wrapping both arms around her.

  “Beautiful, isn’t it?”

  “Hmm. Beautiful,” he agreed, not even looking up as he kissed the nape of her neck. “Did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight?”

  She shook her head.

  “Well, you do. New dress?”

  She nodded.

  “Nice. And even though Winona is a pretty good braider, I like your hair when you let it go.” He kissed her neck again as he untwisted the French braid. When it was loose, he ran his fingers through her hair to fluff it up, the same way he’d seen Mina do hundreds of times over the years. It was heavy and thick against his hands.

  Turning around in his arms, Mina did the same thing to his braid. “I can’t believe you’re going to let them cut this off. I should be the one cutting my hair, since I’ll be in mourning.” She dropped down onto the blanket.

  “Mina, you’re not Lakota.”

  Shrugging, Mina kicked off her sandals as she stretched out, her head turned toward the water. The banks were tree-lined, but the moon had risen to just the right angle to cast its light on the whole of the slowly moving river. “I love this place.”

  Sam stretched out alongside her, propping himself on one elbow to watch the water for a few minutes too.

  “How am I going to survive without you?”

  “The question is, how am I going to survive without you?” he countered, kissing her shoulder. When she didn’t respond, he rolled her gently onto her back, studying her face. “Mina, we’re both going to be fine.”

  Moonlight glinted off the tears slipping from the corners of her eyes.

  Sitting up, he drew Mina into his lap, tucking her in close. Her body shook as she sobbed. “Honey, it’s going to be okay,” he crooned, and rocked them back and forth. “Don’t cry. Don’t cry,” he kept saying like a mantra, until the shaking slowly subsided. She hadn’t said a word.

  “Mina?” Nothing. Sam brushed her hair back in an attempt to see her face. “I love your hair, but right now it’s in the way. Mina, please talk to me.”

  Smoothing her hair back with her hands, Mina held it away from her face by twisting it off to the side. “I’m okay.” She swiped at her eyes with the other hand.

  He laid a hand on each side of her face and turned it skyward, so he could look for himself. “Really?”

  “No, but I’m not going to cry again, for at least another ten minutes. That’s all I can promise right now.” What if he meets someone else? There are lots of women in the army. How can I compete with that? She had these same thoughts many times in the last few months and came up with the same answer each time. Easy, I can’t. She sighed, as if exhausted.

  “Mina, do you want to go home? If you don’t want to come to my house, I’ll take you to your house.”

  “No.” She leaned back against his shoulder. “I don’t want to be anywhere but with you.”

  “I want to be with you too.”

  “Then why are you leaving?”

  “Mina, we’ve been over this. I’ve told you, I don’t want to go to college, so why waste the money? And I don’t want to hang around waiting for you to finish, when I can get some kind of training.”

  “You could go to one of the Vo Techs and get training.”

  “Not the same.” Sam shook his head. “Plus all of my medical, dental, everything is taken care of. That’s a pretty good deal.” He continued on when she didn’t say anything. “I can always get an education in the military. Maybe I’ll take some courses, who knows?” He kissed her cheek. “Look, I’m going to be at Benning a while; maybe you can come visit.”

  They both knew that wasn’t going to happen.

  “I’ll get leave in a few months for Christmas. Time’s going to go fast; I’ll be done before you know it. You won’t even be out of college yet and will probably want me to re-up, to get me out from under foot.”

  “I seriously doubt that.” Mina shifted her position in his lap to face the river again. I don’t want to lose him. Dear Jane letters are delivered every day too. It could happen. What if it does?

  “Well, I don’t want to spend our last night debating the merits of the military.” Sam rested his chin on the top of her head. “How about you?”

  “Nope,” she said without moving. “I want to go swimming.”

  “Now?”

  “Now.”

  “Okay, but we’ll have to go back to the house to get your suit,” Sam reminded her.

  “No, we won’t.”

  “What?”

  “You have shorts and I have my, ahh…bra and underwear.”

  “Mina, you can barely say that out loud, and you’re going to swim in them?”

  She nodded.

  �
��Are you sure?”

  She nodded again, but didn’t look up.

  “Look at me.”

  She slowly brought her head up and nodded, matching his gaze.

  “Okay.” Sam tossed his t-shirt on the blanket before making his way down the boulder. “I’ll go in first and check out the water; it’s probably freezing.” The water was warm, even as the air grew cool. “It actually feels good after being in the gym all night.” Ducking under to get his head wet, he did a leisurely back stroke for a few feet. He stood and turned. “Mina, come on in. The water—” He stopped. Mina was less than three feet away, the bottom half of her face submerged in the water. “You okay? It’s pretty deep out here.”

  She nodded and maintained her position.

  “You look like one of those crocodiles waiting for something to fall into the river on Animal Planet.”

  “You.”

  Reaching out, he hauled her to him, and then pulled back as if burned when he came in contact with her naked skin. Holding her by her upper arms, he easily lifted her to eye level. “Mina? What are you doing?” he asked, all playfulness gone.

  “Swimming.” She looked him straight in the eye.

  “This has nothing to do with swimming.” He still held her in a gentle grip, away from his body. “I have to leave in the morning, Mina; we can’t change that. Doing this won’t change it either.” Tipping his head back, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, slowly exhaling. “Baby, we don’t have to do this. It’s not that I don’t want to. You know I do, more than I’ve ever wanted anything. But I’ll be back before you know it.”

  Over the last year, there’d been instances of hands wandering, both his and hers, in the intensity of their relationship. On more than one occasion, they’d almost succumbed to the overwhelming sensations, but each time, they managed to pull back.

  It was Mina’s turn to cup his face in her hands. “I know,” was all she said. Her hands shook as she held his face. She’d have understood the mechanism of the act even without sex ed class. It was everywhere, in movies, in magazines, everywhere. “I want this. Me.” Mina offered her own reassurance. “I won’t say I’m not scared, I am. But you’re the only person I want to be this scared with.”

  He groaned into her hand, kissing her fingers. Releasing her arms, his hands slid across the smooth, wet skin of her back, enfolding her into his embrace.

  Several minutes passed as Sam and Mina reveled in the simple act of sharing space, their bodies pressed close, molding to each other as if sculpted. One half, soft and pale. The other, solid and dark. But a match, nonetheless.

  “Mina, honey, I don’t have any protection,” Sam confessed in a strained voice. His wallet was up in the truck. Shortly after he started dating Mina, his brothers began pressuring him to take precautions. He tried to tell them it wasn’t like that…she wasn’t like Jessie, but Ori told him over the phone, Even nice girls do when they’re in love. A few days later, he found a condom tucked in his wallet, courtesy of Joe, he was sure.

  “We’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. Please.” She shifted her body slightly to look up at him.

  That movement brought a hiss of indrawn breath and a groan from Sam and was his undoing. Crushing Mina to him, his kiss channeled all of the emotions ripping through his body down to the meeting of their lips. “I love you so much it hurts.” Drawing a breath, he murmured against her lips, “Are you sure about this?”

  Her only answer was to encircle his neck with her arms in an instinctual attempt to pull herself closer. Mina clung to him as Sam tossed his shorts on a nearby rock.

  He kissed her tenderly, at the same time sliding his hands down to her waist. “We both know this is going to hurt you. I’m sorry, Mitawin, I love you,” Sam said as he lifted her.

  Mina’s cry lent truth to Sam’s words. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry—”

  Mina’s kiss cut off his apology. “I’m not. I love you.”

  “I love you too. Sometimes, too much, I think.”

  Neither of them moved for a few moments, acclimating themselves to this new sensation, their breathing heavy.

  “Man, how am I going to leave you in the morning?’ His kiss was gentle.

  “Let’s not think about it now.” Mina countered his kiss with one much more insistent as she moved against him.

  The moonlight highlighted their inexperienced, yet eager bodies. The buoyant water flowed around their limbs, washing away any unease and childhood illusions of what this act would be. Every movement, every caress, every kiss…all the affirmation of a love that had been in the making for years. Afterward, they clung to each other, their lives forever changed by their choice.

  Hours later, Mina laid her head on the pillow, willing her exhausted body and brain to stay awake. Sam had started a pot of coffee and then pushed her down the hall toward the bedroom, while she protested she wasn’t tired.

  Rolling over, Mina could tell by the way sunlight filled every corner of the bedroom it was at least midmorning. The last thing she remembered was Sam’s warm body stretched out next to her on the narrow bunk bed, his lips pressed to her temple. A small box on the nightstand caught her attention. Pushing up to a sitting position, Mina picked up the box and lifted the lid. Rolled around and around, like the neat coils of a rug, was a long black braid of hair, secured at each end. A small white piece of paper was folded on top. Opening the note, she recognized Sam’s handwriting.

  Now I’m in mourning, for all the days I’m going to miss being with you.

  I love you.

  Sam

  He was gone.

  December 1994

  “Hey, Mina, are these pants too short?” Emma asked, coming into the kitchen, trying to pull her pants legs down to meet the top of her shoes.

  Mina studied the pants for a moment. At twelve, Emma was as tall as Mina, the added height making her look frailer than ever. Ma only made her a couple of new outfits for school this year. She seemed to have lost interest in sewing, among other things. There was no money for clothes, so Emma wore what she had from last year. But Mina was afraid if she let Em wear the pants, other kids would pick on her about her high water pants. I’m not letting that happen. They’ll have her in tears in no time. “Hate to say it, Em, but they’re way too short. If you still fit into them by summer, we can cut them off for shorts.”

  “Great, what am I goin’ do? Ma’s gonna be mad.”

  “Em, she can’t be mad at you for growing.” Even as Mina said it, she knew it wasn’t true. Ma got mad about anything that cost money.

  Emma tugged on the pants again. “They’re not too bad when I pull them down. See?”

  Mina shook her head. “Emma, the pants are too short; your ankle bones are sticking out below the hem. Don’t worry about it. I’ll talk to her. We’ll get you some more clothes,” she tried to reassure her little sister. A car door shut outside. “That’s them. Slip your boots on, and help me carry in the groceries.”

  Mina glanced again at the thick manila envelope on the table, a smile touching her lips for about the twentieth time since she’d gone to the mailbox this morning. She hadn’t told her parents she applied to Castleton State yet, not wanting to say anything until she was accepted. She had the financial aid packet too. Ma and Dad were supposed to fill out the application, but it was okay, Mina did the bills, so she knew most of the information and had filled it out. All they had to do was sign it. The acceptance letter was the best thing that had happened since Sam left.

  It was several minutes before the back door opened, and her mother came in, walking cautiously, afraid of the ice on the back steps, yet at the same time lugging a huge plastic purse. The usual cotton house dress, bare legs, and Canadian pack boots were all topped off by a puffy nylon coat. The hooded collar stood straight up, coming to her mother’s nose. Unable to locate the zipper pull, she had to push the collar down so she could see it. It was several more minutes before Mina’s dad came through the door, leaning heavily on the railing and his “winter” ca
ne, fitted with a sharp spike at the end. Beneath his old winter coat, baggy green work pants were tucked into an ancient pair of green rubber pack boots, complete with several patches and gray wool socks. In one gnarled hand, he carried keys, handing them over when Mina held out her hand. “New brakes work good.” He gave her a tired smile.

  “Good.” Last weekend, Mina laid on the cement of her parent’s unheated garage and changed the brakes on her father’s ancient truck. His hands had continued to warp with time, his fingers bent at an unnatural angle. Following his instructions, she’d awkwardly accomplished the task. Two months ago, it was the exhaust system. At least he hadn’t pulled out any beer like he had in the woodlot this fall. Two different times, he produced several bottles and proceeded to drink them down first thing in the morning. He barely weighed a hundred pounds, so shortly thereafter, he passed out. Even though they were no longer selling firewood, they still needed it for their own use. Trees felled the year before and left to season needed to be cut and chunked up. Mina did it all with the smallest of her father’s chainsaws. She then loaded the huge wagon, sometimes having to stop and cut a chunk again if it was too heavy to lift. It took a good part of the day.

  Both times he drank, Mina waited ‘til the last possible moment to rouse him, helping him onto the back of the wagon and handing him a stick of the gum he always carried after he quit smoking years ago. Climbing onto the seat of the tractor, they worked their way home, her feet just reaching the rheumy pedals, having to practically stand on them whenever she had to stop. Mina helped him to bed, and then told her mother he was tired from the long day’s work. She knew it wasn’t right he drank like that, but she was tired of their arguments and so kept quiet. At least he isn’t driving, she reasoned, thinking of Ori.

  By the time she and Emma carried in the few bags of groceries, her parents had their outside clothes off, and her dad had gone to take a nap. Even though he waited in the truck for Ma, trips like this wore her father out for several hours. I’m going to have to confess I have my license soon. Hopefully, they won’t ask how I got it.