Dirty News (Dirty Network Book 1)

by Michelle Love

  New York has crowds everywhere you go and I should really move. But my work is easier here. I work from home as a consultant. I finished my degree online. I do freelance consulting from home. Occasionally, I do have to meet people and it’s easier to meet in this big city than anywhere else.

  With the money from the settlement from James’ family, I don’t have to work at all. But it gives me something to do besides hide in a book or movie to forget about my real life.

  As I step out of the elevator, I hear a familiar voice. “I think I left my sunglasses up there. Can you call up and ask him?”

  I freeze in place as I know it’s Nic. It’s been months since I’ve set eyes on him. Looking straight down at the floor, I make my way to the door. Each step gets me that much closer to not having the agony fill me that surely will if I see him. Then a chill rips through my body as a hand touches the small of my back. “Natasha, hello.”

  My chest fills with sobs that beg to be released. My heart pounds with joy as my body has begged for me to go back to the man it loves. It’s my mind that refuses to believe it. It’s my mind that holds me back.

  I can’t speak as he ushers me out the door with him. Through cloudy, tear-filled eyes, I see the shadow of a black car and he has me in the back seat before I know what’s happening.

  His arms go around me and I let it all out in the privacy of the car. I cry and moan as my hands run up his arms, over his biceps where they loved to rest when he held his body over mine.

  His hands stroke my back as he shushes me. “It’s okay, princess.”

  It’s anything but okay and he knows that. He knows it as well as I do. I am a shell of who I was and neither of us can stand who I’ve become. I press my hands to his chest. “Don’t. This just makes things harder, Nic. Let me out of the car.”

  “I’m not about to set you out on the sidewalk with tears streaming down your face,” he says as he continues to hold me tight.

  I break down again as it’s so damn good to hear him boss me around. Telling me how he’s going to take care of me even when I’m trying to make self-sabotaging choices for myself.

  Running my arms around him, I hold him too. “I love you,” I say in a whisper.

  “I know you do,” he says then kisses the top of my head. “I love you too.”

  Suddenly it becomes clear what I have to do. I have to get better. I have to follow the doctor’s orders and I have to confront my father. This is ridiculous what I’m doing to us both. “Can you take me to see my father? I have something I need to tell him.”

  “Is he here, in New York?” he asks as he pushes me back so he can look at me.

  I nod and already hate myself for feeling the need to curl back into his wide chest and pull from his body what only it can give me. Peace, hope, and the feeling of absolute safety.

  “Right now or later?” he asks.

  “I think now is best.” I hand him my phone. “Can you call him and see if he’s available for me?”

  He takes it and finds my father’s number. “Hi, Greenwell. This is Nicholai Grimm. I have Natasha with me and she wants to talk to you. I don’t suppose you can make yourself available to her soon, can you?”

  I hear my father say on the other end of the line, “I’m at my friend’s place. Let me see about meeting her for lunch.”

  With a shake of my head, I say, “I can’t do it in public.”

  “How about you come to my place. She’d like to talk with you in private,” Nic tells him.

  “Text me the address and I’ll be there shortly,” Dad says. “Why are you calling me from her phone? Why can’t she do it?”

  “Because she asked me to do it and I always do anything she asks of me. See you soon,” Nic says then hands me my phone back. “Did you get my message I told the doctor to give you?”

  “I told him not to tell me.”

  “Why?” he asks as he lifts my chin.

  “Because it hurts too much to think about you,” I say then bite my lip.

  “Maybe that’s because you love me and want to be with me but that stubborn brain of yours is getting in our way.” He smiles to lessen the blow.

  “I know it is. I can see that now. I mean, I knew it was, but now I can really see it. I need to resolve things with my father. I’ve been hiding that inside of me. Hiding the fact he was the one who did this to me. Even James wouldn’t have been able to get to me if I hadn’t been in that weakened condition.”

  He nods, letting me know this is my decision and he will leave me to it. It’s not his usual way. He’s often told me I needed to fight with whoever I had an issue with instead of him. I took out too much on Nic. I can see it now, in hindsight.

  I just hope talking to my father works the way the doc said it would. I can’t take life this way any longer. Something has to change!

  NICHOLAI

  Natasha sits in a chair near the Christmas tree by the window. The red and green lights bounce off her golden hair and make my heart hurt that it’s been so long since I’ve last laid my eyes on her sweet face.

  My poor Natasha has been in mental hell since she came back to New York. Her stay with me didn’t last long as she became aggravated by everything I did or said. Hell, even my breathing made her angry.

  When she packed up one night after me asking her to change the channel on the television, I let her go. I didn’t know what else to do for her. Nothing I was doing was working. She was hiding the fact she was drinking heavily. Not well, mind you. I knew she was drunk only she’d never admit to drinking anything.

  Even when I retrieved empty bottles from the bathroom trash, a place she assumed I’d never go looking for anything, she’d deny it was her. She’d blame the staff.

  I emptied out the bar so she’d have nothing to drink. But she had bottles delivered to her while I was at work. She had no idea the front desk told me about it.

  Thankfully, her moving out had her deciding to seek professional help and she checked herself into rehab for a while. I haven’t seen her since she left me that night, almost a year ago.

  I’d told our psychiatrist to give her a message. I wanted her to join me for Christmas. I’d heard from her mother and father that she’d cut them out too. She wanted to be alone, her mother told me.

  I had no choice but to respect her wishes as she learned how to throw a hellacious fit when she thought I was trying to control her or boss her around about anything.

  But now she’s sitting here, in my living room, waiting for her father to come and talk to her. I’ve known for some time that her problem was with him more so than anyone else. She’d argue that he was only trying to protect her. He was being a father to her and I just didn’t understand.

  I do understand, though. I have my own issues with the man. While I may see why he did what he did, I have never agreed with his actions. Natasha, on the other hand, has said, over and over again, that she forgives him and has from the very start.

  “Tea, Natasha?” I ask as she looks out the window.

  “That would be nice,” she says and gets up to push the curtain to the side. “The view is so gorgeous up here.”

  The bar has been restocked since she left but I have some tea brewing at it. I’m not sure she’s supposed to drink anymore. “How is the view in your new place?”

  “I don’t know. The windows have dark curtains on them,” she says, making me think she’s been holing herself up with only the television and books as her company.

  “The message I wanted to get to you was about coming for Christmas. Father will be busy with his new girlfriend and her kids this year. Mother is off to Spain with her new beau. And I will be utterly alone if you deny me your company, my princess.”

  Her hand moving down my arm makes my insides quiver with need. “Why would you still call me your princess, Nic? I’ve been terrible to you.”

  Turning to her, I run the back of my hand over her cheek. “You haven’t been you, Natasha. You will always be my princess. I know we’ve nev
er made any marriage vows but I do take you for better or worse.”

  “And all I’ve given you is worse,” she says with a sadness to her blue eyes that I hate to see.

  “Not true,” I say and take her cup of tea in one hand, her hand in the other and take her to sit on the sofa where I sit next to her. Her collar is askew and I fix it for her then leave a kiss on her cheek. “So, about Christmas?”

  “Maybe,” she says. “I’ll have to see if this helps me.”

  “What? Talking to your father?” I ask as I pick the tea up and blow over the surface, making the steam swirl.

  She nods and takes the cup from me. “Is it ready to drink?”

  “I think so,” I tell her. “You might want to test it with your pinky first to be sure it suits you.”

  She does and I find myself overjoyed that she didn’t have a shit-fit about me telling her what she might like to do. As a matter of fact, her asking me anything is a major change.

  “If you decide to come for the holiday, I’ll come and get you. I’ll have the cook make us up anything you want for dinner. Anything at all. Lobster? Turkey?” I ask as I watch her set the cup back down and smile.

  It’s been so long since I’ve seen her smile. “Pot roast would be great.”

  “That sounds like a yes to my invitation,” I say then smile back at her.

  “Get her to make the pot roast and I’ll think about it,” she says. “Will there be a sleepover that night?”

  I stop breathing as she brings that up. It’s been a damn long time since I’ve touched her. A damn long time. Over two years. It’s been over two years since I’ve had sex at all.

  Her words have my hormones unsteady. They want to go crazy but they know it might not happen. She’s been back and forth with me in that department.

  We’d get so close then I’d do something to make her mad and off she’d go to the other room to sleep. I measure my words as I say, “I am always available to you. You know that.”

  She nods and looks away. “It’s been me who has been unavailable to you. Tell me, Nic, have you had anyone else since me?”

  “No,” comes my quick answer. “I have no want for anyone else.”

  “Not even with me leaving you?” she asks as she continues to look away. “Not even with the pretty Doctor Sandra?”

  “No. No one at all. My heart is yours. I assume it always will be,” I tell her and draw her face to mine.

  One sweet kiss I leave on her plump lips. She’s regained her healthy weight and she looks incredible again. Our mouths move together, tongues entwine, saying hello and how they’ve missed one another.

  Her body melts into mine and then the doorbell rings. Reluctantly, I end the kiss with a few smaller ones to tell her I enjoyed it. “Your father.”

  I get up and go to answer the door as I’ve given the staff the day off to do their Christmas errands. “Greenwell,” I say as I open the door.

  “Grimm. Where is she?” he says as he takes a step inside.

  I turn around and gesture to the sofa but she isn’t there. “Well, she was right there. Let me see if she went to the bathroom. Have a seat.”

  Making my way to the bathroom, I hear her crying inside of it. I tap at the door. “May I come in?”

  “Leave me alone, Nic. I can’t do it. I can’t face him and tell him what I would have to. I can’t!”

  I find the door unlocked and go inside anyway. Taking her by the shoulders, I hold her steady. “I know I’m risking a tongue lashing but I’ll risk it for you. You need to do whatever it is you were planning on doing. I am here for you. If you want me in the room or at your side or if you want me to leave, I will do anything you want. But you need to do this. If it’s making you cry, then you must face it and get on with things. Fear is to be faced or it’s never overcome. Now let me dry your tears and let’s get on with this.”

  She gulps back her cries and lets me wipe her tears away. “Why do I let myself do without you?”

  “Ask yourself that question. I have no idea. I think I’m fantastic,” I say then smile at her. With a light pat on her ass, I send her out of the confines of the bathroom. “Where do you want me, my princess?”

  “At me side, please. I’m becoming more and more aware that I should never have left your side at all. You are my champion, my hero.”

  I try hard not to allow myself to have hope she’s about to return to me. I’ve been so crushed by her so many times. But hope is seeping in all on its own.

  As we enter the living room, I find her saying, “Dad, we have to talk.”

  And here we go.

  NATASHA

  My knees are shaking as I look at my father and hold tightly to Nic’s hand. “What do you want to talk about, Tasha?” Dad asks me.

  “I’ve been holding things back and it’s made me weak and fragile and I’m sick of being that way,” I say as he looks up at me.

  He crosses his legs and looks at Nic. “You got anything to drink around here? This looks like a real headache coming my way.”

  Nic looks at me then at my father. “In light of her rehabilitation, I think that’s a bad idea, sir.”

  “Fine,” Dad says with a huff. “Get on with it, girl.”

  The words are right there, wanting to be set free. My mind is shrieking at me not to do it. It will hurt my father when I hurl accusations at him and no one ever wants to hurt their father.

  After a long moment of me not saying a word, only looking out the window and thinking I should just go. Nic’s hand gives mine a squeeze. “I think she’d like to have an apology, Greenwell.”

  “For?” my father asks as he looks at me.

  I hold my breath as anger starts to build inside of me. Nic senses it and takes me by the chin. “You can do this. For yourself, you need to do it. Not for anyone else. Only for you. You can do it. Open your mouth and let the words flow.”

  Parting my lips, I look into his dark eyes and wonder how I got so damn lucky. Then I look at my father. “Dad, you are the only one to blame for everything that happened to me. You are the one who got me addicted to drugs. I then had an alcohol problem because of that. I was taken as a man’s slave because I was approached by him and made decisions with a cluttered and muddled mind thanks to those drugs. I’ve yet to hear an apology for that.”

  My father looks from me to Nic and back to me. “Did he tell you to do this to me?”

  “My mind told me to do this to you. Have you been so wrapped up in your whores to notice I am a shell of my former self?” I ask him, making his face go red.

  “You have no idea about my private life, young lady. Watch how you speak to me,” he says then gets up. “I don’t have to endure this. I’m not at fault here. I was only trying to protect you. The monster is the man whose hand you’re holding. He brought you into a world I had to take you away from. And you have stayed out of that world, thanks to me. So, you will not get an apology from me.”

  Letting Nic’s hand go, I walk up behind my father who thinks he’s leaving. “Turn around.”

  He stops and does as I’ve asked but not in the way I meant him to. “You do not tell me what to do. I tell you what to do.”

  “I am done with that. You took me out of all of the world, Dad. You really took me out of it. All I want is to be alone now. I can’t stand anything or anyone. Mostly, I can’t stand myself. And you did that to me.”

  “You did some pretty awful things in your life, Tasha. I think you need some time away from the world to figure that out. You can only change once you’ve paid the price for those things you did,” he tells me.

  “And what about you?” I ask. “Stringing that woman along, making her live from hotel to hotel while telling her you’re on the verge of leaving Mom. For years, you’ve done that to her. And what about the other women?”

  “My personal affairs are none of your concern. Your mother and I handle our business,” he says. “I need to go.”

  “You can go. If you want to leave things like this.
I’ve told you how I feel. If you don’t want to accept your responsibility, then that’s up to you. And as far as paying for my mistakes, I think I’ve done that. In spades.” I point to the door. “So, there you go. There it is. Walk away from me without uttering a word of remorse for what you did to me. I only wanted to hear you say you were sorry for the atrocities you pulled down on me. But I just found out, I don’t need it at all. Just speaking the words out loud to you are all I ever needed to do.”

  “Great for you,” he says as he walks around me. “Glad you took that weight off your back and put it on mine. Hope you feel like a real hero, Tasha.”

  “I do,” I say as I watch him go. “I really do. You can pull that weight off with a simple word. You can say it anytime you want and you will be absolved of that burden. Until you do, you will carry it the way I have been for over two years. Consider it my Christmas gift to you. You carry it around for a while. It’s one heavy bitch!”

  I step around him and open the door for him so he has to see me as he leaves. He doesn’t bother to look at me as he walks past me. I feel fine. I feel more than fine that he’s mad.

  “Good, be mad!” I call out after him. “I’ve been mad for a fucking long time. Your turn, Daddy!”

  I close the door and turn to find Nic looking at me with wide eyes. He claps his hands slowly. “Bravo! There’s that little spitfire I fell in love with.”

  With a big smile on my face, I walk up to him and grab him by the hand. “You’re coming with me.”

  He follows along behind me as I take him out of the living room, toward his bedroom. “Where are you taking me?”

  “To Heaven,” I say as I throw open the door and take him inside.

  “Finally!” he shouts then picks me up and carries me the rest of the way to the bed. “Now this is what I’m talking about!”

  I only pray this powerful feeling stays with me.

  NICHOLAI

  Two years of waiting made for three days and nights of making up for lost time. I’ve yet to let her leave the confines of the bedroom and bathroom. Making little trips to get us food and drinks from the kitchen have seen me right back in bed and pulling her back into my embrace.