The Falls

by Cathryn Hein

  His Tamarama apartment was a better reflection, with a softer decor of honey-coloured timber and blue suede furnishings, bookshelves laden with everything from business tomes and biographies to fantasy novels, and a state-of-the-art stereo for listening to music while he did paperwork or relaxed.

  She wondered why he hadn’t furnished the centre’s living quarters the same and supposed that, until recently, he rarely spent enough time here to warrant it. Vanessa tried not to let the thought of him returning to live permanently on the North Shore bother her, but it did. Knowing he was close, seeing him every day, made her life at Falls Farm feel complete.

  ‘Wine? Cognac? Gin?’

  ‘Wine will do fine, white if you have it.’

  He buried his head in the fridge before looking up in apology. ‘None cold I’m afraid. Plenty of red though.’

  Vanessa shook her head. ‘Don’t worry about it. I shouldn’t be drinking anyway. I have to drive home.’

  ‘You should. It’ll make you feel better. And help take your mind off Penny.’

  ‘Interesting comment coming from a man who owns a Wellness Centre renowned for its rehabilitation programs.’

  He grinned at her before pulling a bottle from a rack and two glasses from an overhead cupboard. ‘I never said I was a saint.’

  ‘No. And, as everyone knows, saintliness is completely overrated.’

  She accepted a glass of wine and followed Dom to the lounge. He indicated for her to sit then settled close alongside. Too close, but Vanessa felt it rude to shift away and the truth was she didn’t wish to. The way his breath had felt against her skin lingered like a tease. She wanted him that near again.

  He pressed the edge of his glass against hers. ‘To unsaintliness.’

  Their eyes met over the toast and Vanessa once again felt her willpower slide south.

  Dom reached aside to place his glass on the occasional table next to the sofa’s arm, then leaned his elbow on the back of the sofa and rested his head on his fist to look at her. ‘I have a confession.’

  Vanessa eyed him warily. ‘Oh yes?’

  ‘Graham’s here. I had him flown up this morning.’

  She jerked upright so fast her wine slopped.

  Dom rose with her and quickly removed the glass from her hand. ‘Nessie . . .’

  Her fingers pressed to her forehead, Vanessa stepped away to pace back and forth on the other side of the coffee table. After three laps she halted. ‘I think you’d better explain.’

  ‘I wanted to help. You said he had a gambling problem and that you couldn’t risk Penny going back to that life. So I brought him here, where he could get treatment. So you’d know she was safe.’

  ‘You did this for me?’

  ‘For you and your family.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I think you know why.’

  For once, Vanessa didn’t know what to say. She placed her hands to her cheeks and lowered her head as fatigue washed over her.

  ‘Come sit with me, please.’

  Vanessa tilted her head back, her lips rolled together, blinking as she tried to work out what to do. Everything hinged on this moment.

  ‘Please.’

  The fight against herself was too much. She breathed out, and slowly returned to her seat. Dom draped his arm across the back of the sofa, not touching. With a sigh she let her head flop onto his chest and briefly closed her eyes. It had been too long since she’d felt like this. Protected. Loved.

  His voice was rough with sincerity. ‘I know I took liberties, but I also know how much you love your family. I wanted to protect them for you. Even if they don’t deserve it.’

  She lifted her eyes to catch his.

  ‘You told me once that they disapproved of you.’

  She relaxed again. ‘They did. Penny especially. But they’re all I have.’

  ‘No. You have me.’

  They lapsed into silence. Vanessa wished she could decide what to do. The longer she stayed with him the harder it would be to leave.

  The quiet lingered, stretched across them like a delicate veil neither wanted to raise. Dom’s fingers were gentle on her hair. He kept swallowing, his focus never leaving her face. Finally, he spoke, an uncharacteristic fragility adding a tremor to the deep timbre of his voice.

  ‘There’s something else.’

  Vanessa inhaled and didn’t let it out.

  ‘I have a son, Nessie.’

  The revelation caused Vanessa to sit up. Once more Dom had left her speechless. A son? As far as she knew he hadn’t been in any relationships. Of course he must have had women but she’d tried not to dwell on it. They were friends. It wasn’t her business.

  ‘I didn’t know he existed until a few years ago. He’s a man now. A good man. The sort a father would be proud of.’

  ‘But that’s wonderful.’ She inspected his face. ‘Isn’t it? That you’ve found him.’

  Dom nodded. ‘It wasn’t for a while. He didn’t want anything to do with me. I wasn’t good to his mother.’ He grimaced. ‘It was a long time ago. I was different then, ambitious. I never knew she was pregnant and she never told me. I think it was her way of punishing me.’ He smiled bitterly. ‘But she ended up punishing the both of us.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault.’ He reached for his glass and took a sip. Lamp shadows highlighted the lines in his face, the regret there.

  ‘But you have a relationship now, you and your son?’

  ‘We’re building one. It’s hard to make up for the lost years. I was never there for all the important moments.’

  ‘Keeping him from you was cruel.’

  ‘It was. But I guess she had her reasons.’ He said nothing for a moment. ‘Do you ever wish you had children?’

  She reached for her own glass of wine. ‘Yes. I wanted them.’ She rubbed the bowl back and forth between her hands, staring at the contents. ‘It never worked out.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘I was pregnant once, when I was young. I’d only been in Europe a couple of months. It was the last thing I wanted. I had an abortion.’ Tears stung her eyes. Even now the hurt was still there. ‘I don’t have many regrets about my life, but that . . .’ She took a shaky sip of wine. ‘That one is with me forever. I’ll never forgive myself for robbing that baby of life.’

  ‘You didn’t try again?’

  ‘With Timoteo. He knew how much I wanted a baby, but it never happened. He was so much older than me, and busy. We were going to try IVF, but by then I was worn down and had had enough of whoring myself and wanted to come home.’

  ‘You didn’t whore yourself.’

  ‘Perhaps not, but it felt that way sometimes. Even with Timoteo, who was a darling man and genuinely loved me.’ Embarrassed, she puffed out a breath and looked at him sideways. ‘I don’t know why I told you all that. I must be tired.’

  ‘It’s a day for confessions.’ He stroked her hair. ‘It hasn’t been an easy time for you. First Teagan and then Penny.’

  ‘And now Graham. That was naughty of you.’

  ‘Are you angry?’

  She stared into her wineglass and considered. ‘A little.’ She sighed and rubbed her eyebrow. ‘Actually, that’s not true. I was, but now I’m thankful. What you did was thoughtful and kind.’ She held his gaze. ‘I’m pleased for you about finding a family of your own, even if it is belated.’

  ‘You could be my family, too.’

  The earnestness of his appeal choked her up. She looked away in case he saw the longing there.

  ‘I mean it, Nessie.’

  ‘I know you do.’ Her voice was barely a whisper. ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Why not?’ When she didn’t answer he plucked her wineglass from her hands and set it on the table before returning to cup her face, gaze searching. ‘I’m not joking about this. You know how I feel about you.’

  ‘It’s not that simple.’

  ‘Why isn’t it?’

  ‘I don’t
want to be another rich man’s trophy. I want my independence.’

  ‘And me loving you would stop that?’ He sounded incredulous.

  She pulled out of his grip and stood. He’d broken the rules and said it. Now the admission hung in the thickened atmosphere of the room, dangerous and tempting, hovering between being snatched and cherished or cast down. ‘I can’t do this right now. I’m tired. I need to think.’

  ‘Did you hear what I just said?’

  Her hand went to her forehead where a headache was starting to pound. ‘Please, Dom.’

  ‘I love you. Why do you think I’m doing all this?’

  She took a step back. Those words were too reminiscent of her past life. The gifts she’d naively accepted, thinking they were tokens of love when the reality was they had meant nothing. Throwaway trinkets and insignificant favours designed to impress and make her beholden.

  ‘You think that you can make someone love you by buying them?’

  ‘No. That’s not what I meant and you know it.’ Dismay twisted his face. ‘Why are you being so obtuse? I’m doing these things because I don’t like seeing you hurt. Because your family matters to you. And yes, I admit it. I’d hoped you’d come to see me in a different light.’ He stepped back as well, suddenly stiff and cold. ‘Obviously I was wrong.’

  Vanessa swallowed. The headache was pounding now. How had this happened? One moment they were on the couch, Dom’s arm warm and comforting around her shoulders, and now they were shattering with heartbreak.

  She surveyed the room; the barrenness of it seemed fitting now. A reflection of how the day had turned. Of what their relationship really was. ‘I should go.’

  He didn’t object. This time there was no warm palm on the small of her back. Dom had become as aloof as his surroundings.

  In reception, he left her to speak to one of his staff. Vanessa walked to the doors and watched them slide quietly open. She hesitated then stepped outside. The wind had come up, rustling the trees, their leaves trembling like her insides. As she drew her car keys from her handbag Dom returned to her side.

  ‘I’ve arranged for a car to take you home, another driver will follow in yours so you won’t be without.’ He held out his palm as if it were a fait accompli. ‘Please.’

  She stared at him in disbelief.

  ‘Keys, Vanessa. I know it’s only five minutes, but I won’t have you driving when you’re upset.’ His tone and expression brooked no argument, and the truth was Vanessa didn’t feel she could cope with even the short journey to Falls Farm. All she wanted, right this second, was her verandah, her dog, a gin and tonic the size of a bucket, and plenty of tissues to mop up the tears she planned to shed.

  She slapped the keys into his hand. ‘Thank you.’

  Vanessa expected him to stride off. Instead he waited with her. Within minutes one of the centre’s Humvees had pulled up in the circular drive. Dom strode ahead to open the rear door for her.

  She nodded and went to climb in, then stopped herself. Dom deserved more than a silent goodbye. Their friendship did. She turned to examine his face, a last check of what really lay there.

  His blue eyes were weary and sad. Sorrow tilted the corners of his mouth. But what upset her most was the sag of his shoulders, the defeat there. He didn’t want her to leave any more than she wanted to. Yet he was willing to let her go.

  Because he wasn’t like the others.

  This man truly loved her.

  Vanessa didn’t think. She stepped forward, placed her hand on his chest and lifted herself on tiptoe to place a careful kiss on his mouth.

  For a second he didn’t respond, then his lips moved and softened into a tender kiss that was made more meaningful for its briefness.

  ‘I don’t want . . .’ He cleared the gruffness from his throat. ‘It’s not necessary for you to thank me that way.’

  ‘That wasn’t thanks.’

  He raised his eyebrows.

  A sudden feeling rushed over Vanessa. Euphoria from the kiss and a deep liquid fire that had been simmering inside her for months and now refused to calm. ‘That was a test.’

  ‘Did I pass?’

  ‘It seems you did. Very well.’ She glanced towards the front of the car but a panel separated the driver from his passengers. Behind the glass walls of the reception area, the receptionist quickly looked down as though she hadn’t been spying. Vanessa grinned. ‘Can I interest you in a cocktail?’

  Relief and much, much more broadened Dom’s smile. ‘I thought you’d never ask.’

  ‘Hey, did I tell you? Dom’s joined the cricket club,’ said Lucas. He was at the stove, stirring spiced-up mince for the tacos they were making for dinner.

  Teagan ceased chopping lettuce. ‘What? As a player?’

  ‘Yep. Bunny and Vanessa talked him into it.’

  ‘Can he play?’

  ‘No. But without Callum we only have ten players. Even a dud number eleven is better than none.’

  Teagan thought on that for a while. ‘I bet he’s hired a coach. He’s too competitive to let himself be made a fool of.’

  Lucas concentrated on the mince. He wanted to tell her that it was him who had offered to help Dom. They’d been practising the last couple of mornings, early, after she’d gone to work, on the parkland surrounding the centre. He wanted to tell her that his dad showed talent, which made him wonder if that was where he’d got his own natural sportsmanship from. He wanted to tell her that he’d learned Dom played rugby and basketball as a boy, the same as Lucas had.

  But he couldn’t say any of these things. Not yet. Not until he was convinced she could handle it. He had selfish reasons, too. The need to get to know Dom without interference or judgement.

  There were other matters he couldn’t bring up either. The news that Dom and Vanessa were lovers. That her own father was at the centre, enrolled in a gambling-treatment program. Dom had also resumed discussions with Nick and Stacey about leasing horses for equine therapy, or for clients who simply wanted to go for a ride. The centre’s large acreage meant there was plenty of room for day yards, a manège and riding trails, but Dom didn’t want the hassle or the expense of dedicated facilities.

  Then there was their chat about Dom lending Lucas the money to establish a proper blacksmithing business. So he could give up being a farrier and work on his creations. It was only a pipe dream at the moment, and an offer he wasn’t sure he’d take up, but it tempted him all the same.

  He glanced at Teagan as she continued to chop. All these things he couldn’t tell her yet. Things she might be hurt by because she didn’t know Dom like Lucas was coming to. Because of the way she still stared hollow-eyed into space when she thought no one could see, and continued to fake cheerfulness when she sensed anyone watching. The way she clung to him when they made love, as if each time would be their last.

  He had to make her happy. So happy none of it would matter when she learned of all the secrets they’d been keeping from her.

  ‘Are you going to come to cricket on Saturday?’ he asked when they’d settled down to their meals.

  ‘Of course. I wouldn’t want to miss all the fun. Nick said he’d let me go early, too.’

  ‘Good. Vanessa’s coming. So’s your mum and Bunny if she’s not called out. Be nice to have a cheer squad.’ He ate for a minute, wondering how to phrase his next question. ‘You know your horse, the one you left behind in Levenham?’

  ‘Astra?’ She screwed up her nose. ‘She’s not mine anymore. Em bought her. I don’t have the money to buy her back.’

  ‘I thought you said Em would let you have her whenever you wanted?’

  ‘She would. But I’d still have to pay her back the money.’

  He tried to keep his tone casual. ‘I could lend it to you. You could keep her here. There’s room.’ To his dismay her eyes began to glisten. Shit. This wasn’t what he’d intended at all. ‘It was just an idea. I didn’t mean to upset you.’

  ‘You haven’t.’ She regarded her half-eaten t
aco. ‘It’s just that you make it sound like you want me to stay.’

  He reached across for her hand and squeezed it. ‘That’s because I do.’

  She looked up, gaze searching his face as though she didn’t believe him.

  ‘I mean it, Teagan.’

  Other words were right there, waiting to be said. Words he believed, in his heart. When she slept he whispered them quietly, hoping they’d slip into her subconscious and give her comfort. Except now wasn’t the time. They were eating tacos, talking about her horse. Hardly romantic.

  Besides, how could he tell her he loved her when he was keeping so much to himself? When she was doing the same. Lying about how she was, drifting, untouchable, to her own hidden world, away from him and everyone else who loved her.

  He tried to make a joke to cover up. ‘Unless you start farting in bed. Then you’re out.’

  She laughed, though it had a forced edge. ‘I’ll try to remember to hold it in.’

  ‘The reverse doesn’t apply though.’

  ‘Nice.’

  He grinned. ‘That’s me.’

  That brought on a smile but, like the laugh, it wasn’t quite real. She picked at a piece of shredded lettuce, unwinding it from the taco and letting it fall to the plate. ‘Some would say too good to be true.’

  ‘Who? Tell me and I’ll go belt them one.’

  She laughed and then sobered, searching his face again, worry pinching her brow. ‘You’re not, are you?’ Her voice hardly broke a whisper and her tortured eyes once more turned liquid. ‘Tell me this isn’t some joke.’

  ‘It’s no joke.’ He left his chair to kiss her, hard, and press his forehead to hers. ‘Would I lie to you?’

  ‘I hope not.’ She swallowed and lowered her eyes. ‘But I have to you.’

  A leaden feeling dug into his stomach. ‘What about?’

  ‘Where I was last Tuesday. I was at Kathleen Ferguson’s.’

  ‘For the Progress Association meeting. I know. The Falls isn’t an easy place to keep secrets.’ Although he and his father were managing. So was Vanessa, come to think of it.

  She looked glumly at her plate. ‘I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, but when you never mentioned it . . .’ That empty look he hated crossed her face, like she’d looked inside herself and found nothing worthwhile. ‘I’m sorry. For not telling you.’