Roses & Thorns: Men

by Bry Ann

  I walk out the front door and around the side of the house, where there’s a good view of the farm. Sure enough, there’s Lacey with her hands on her knees, hyperventilating. My heart sinks in my chest and my skin heats. She’s sucking in air, but no matter how much she sucks in, she still can’t breathe. There are no tears. She’s trying to hold it together, and is having a panic attack for it.

  I quietly walk over to her, grab her arm and pull her into me. She responds immediately, grabbing the front of my shirt and digging her nails into it.

  “They have no idea what they did to me,” she says between breaths. “This… this is too much. I can’t...”

  She starts to choke. I can feel her heart pounding rapidly against me. My hands reach toward her shoulders and I gently pull her away from me so I can face her.

  “Breathe, Lacey. Come on. In, out. In, out.”

  “I can’t. I can’t. This is too much…”

  She frantically starts rubbing at her heart like she can take away the pain there. I pinch my eyes to stop tears from leaking out of them.

  “Let’s just finish this. Get through it so we can go home.”

  “What do I do?” She whispers, leaning in to hug me. “What do I do about them?” I have to take a deep breath to push aside my feelings and do what’s best for her. I lean back to cup her face.

  “You do what your heart tells you, because you’ve got a good one, Lacey. I’ll be here to back you up no matter what you choose.”

  Lacey

  “Go on in. I’ll meet you there.”

  He rolls his eyes and glares at me.

  “You think I was born yesterday? I’m not leaving you out here to suffer alone.”

  I give him a small smile. The longer we are together, the nicer he gets and the more love I feel from him.

  “I’ll be fine. I just need a minute to gather myself.”

  “I can wait. I’m a good hunter.”

  I start to laugh. “You were not just that corny. Hunter-gatherer? Oh my gosh, Adam,” I giggle. “I believe I said gather myself.”

  He looks unsure. “If you need me…”

  “I’ll come get you.” “No, you won’t.” He shakes his head.

  “Love you.”

  His eyes soften. He’s been on the verge of losing it since we got here, but somehow he’s managed to be polite this entire time. For me.

  “You know I love you Lacey.” “Go make sure my mere presence isn’t ruining their happy home.”

  “Hey,” he says, eyes hard. “If anything is ruining their ‘happy home’ it’s that they sold their daughter to the mafia for a cash payment. Fuck their happiness.”

  With that, he walks off. I can’t help but smile. Fuck their happiness. Sometimes I wish I could think that way.

  He looks so powerful, walking away in his suit, his posture perfectly straight and controlled. I wrap my hands around myself and lean against the wall. God, one cut and I could numb myself, but I can’t do that to Adam. And the baby. Oh God, baby Rose.

  I ball my hands up. I won’t do that to her. I won’t start her life being that kind of example. I feel so small, staring over at the farm that spans acres wide. This was all I wanted for so long. The little pigs. The chickens. Seeing a crop go from a seed to food on our table. Cooking all day so the men and women driving the tractors had food when they got back. A tear falls down my cheek. This place feels like a distant memory. I force myself to walk away before the flashbacks can start. I can feel them brimming right under the surface of my heated skin.

  I walk back inside. Jamie is waiting there, leaning against the wall with his little arms crossed.

  “Why are you sad?”

  “I’m not.”

  He drops his chin and looks up at me through his eyelashes.

  “You’re sad.”

  “A little. I just missed you guys a lot.”

  I swallow hard. Luckily, in his naivety —nativety I used to carry— he smiles and comes over to squeeze my hand.

  “Don’t be sad. You’re here now. And now you’re smarter.” “Smarter?”

  “Yeah, being in school makes you smarter. That’s why you had to stay away from me.”

  I feel sick. That’s what they told him. They told him I was in school! Of course, he couldn’t know the truth, but…

  Pain. Iron hot, searing pain spreads throughout my entire body.

  “Right. Jamie, can you show Adam the chickens?” I ask in a shaky voice.

  He hesitates, looking a little afraid. I’d smile if I wasn’t hanging on by a thread.

  “I promise he doesn’t bite.” I tap his chin.

  “Okay,” he draws out. “If you want.”

  “I promise he’s nice. He’s always wanted to see chickens.” I don’t know what I’m saying. I just need to be alone with them. I’m holding my stomach, focusing on my breath. School? School?! He has no idea that I went off to help him! All of them. So they could keep their damn house!

  “Lacey?” I look up through my rage filled vision to see Adam.

  “Go with him,” I barely say.

  He nods. Jamie grabs his hand and starts yanking him outside. Jamie has always been a little enthusiastic. As soon as they are gone, I storm into the living room.

  “School? School!” I shriek. “You told him I was at school.” Both of them look at me, stunned. I’m literally vibrating with anger. I’ve never felt anything like this. All of the anger I’ve been feeling for the past year comes to a head.

  “You two are pathetic! You didn’t even tell him I went off to help you guys keep a roof over your heads! He thinks I ditched him for school! I don’t even know what to say to you right now!”

  “Lacey, hun, I know you’re upset…”

  “Upset! Upset! Are you fucking kidding me?!”

  Both of them seemed shocked by my language. I want to punch a wall, but for once I’m not taking my anger out on myself. I feel the baby kick inside me, probably confused. Sorry, Rose.

  In a frenzy, I rip my sweatshirt off, leaving me standing there in just my sports bra. I can’t think. I’m too mad. Red. Red. Red. It’s like an all-consuming drug of rage.

  “Does this look like upset?! Does this look like school?! Does it? Does it?” I shriek, tears streaming down my cheeks. “Does it look like school?”

  My voice cracks.

  “Is your house comfortable? Is your food good? I hate you! I hate you both so much! You…”

  I almost crumple to the ground, but Adam’s words ring in my head.

  You don’t fall apart in there. Don’t give them that.

  I watch as their horrified eyes roam over my body, my scars, my burns, the fading words I carved into my skin when the pain was just too much.

  “Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God,” my mom keeps saying, shaking her head.

  “You don’t get to fall apart,” I scream in a blind rage. “Don’t you dare make it my job to comfort you! What did you think would happen? They’d take me in and adopt me?! Buy me new clothes?! Or maybe you thought it would be something else. Sex. Rape. Maybe you thought that? Well, I’ve always hated to let you down. That happened, too! They got their money’s worth!”

  My dad looks at the ground, anguish filling his expression. I throw my sweatshirt back on.

  “So how dare you tell Jamie I was at school. You know, fuck you. You ruined me! Adam and Jamie are the only reasons I’m here! Adam thought it would be good for me and I trust him.” “Honey...” My mom reaches for me, tears falling like a waterfall down her cheeks. “I’m so sor—”

  “Don’t finish that sentence!” I throw my hands over my ears. “Don’t you dare!”

  “Lacey, who exactly is Adam? What does that man do?”My head whips up.

  “Adam is the man who’s been saving me for the past year.”

  “Honey,” my mom says, ringing her hands.

  Don’t you dare insult Adam. Don’t you dare...

  “He’s not good news, sweetheart.”

  That’s i
t. The straw the breaks the camel’s back. I feel any semblance of control I had slip away.

  “He’s not good news? How dare you criticize my life and the people that love me? How dare you? He’s made big mistakes too, but at least he’s owned up to every single one of them and spent every day since making it up to me. So how dare you? I don’t care if he’s good news or bad news. He’s mine! I deserve to be loved. I’m not giving that up!” “Honey, I think he’s a criminal. A criminal. You’re a good, Christian woman.”

  “I’m not anything, Mom! All of my choices and beliefs were ripped away from me with each dig of a scalding hot rod and sting from the blade of a knife! I’m broken, and he makes me feel like I’m special even in my brokenness. Like I’m somehow better for it.”

  “Honey, I’m sorry. I just want the best for you. I…”“THE BEST FOR ME!”

  I’m gonna have a heart attack.

  “Are you fucking nuts? I can’t do this. Oh my God. Oh my God.”

  I look frantically at the wall, then the floor. I have do something, anything. I’m too angry. I feel eyes on me. I’m spiraling. Panic. Panic. Panic.

  Then… calm. A centering arm wraps around my waist.

  “Adam,” I sigh, leaning back into him.

  “I’m here. You need to calm down, little dove.”

  I feel my parents’ eyes on us. My chest is still heaving. Adam places a steadying hand there.

  “Relax. Shhh....”

  “They—”

  “No. Shhh….”

  “Adam, I—”

  “Shhh. If you have something else to say, you can say it after five deep breaths.”

  “But…”

  He spins me around. “One.”

  Not in the mood to argue with him, I slowly inhale, followed by a deep exhale.

  This is repeated four more times. I feel my heart rate slowly start to come down, followed by my simmering blood, and lastly, poor little Rose stops kicking wildly in my belly.

  “Jamie?” I whisper, finally able to think clearly.

  “I’m in the bathroom. He’s waiting for me by the chickens, that I’ve apparently always been dying to see.” I smile a little. “But how did you…”

  “You see me; I hear you.”

  He kisses my cheek and walks outside. I stare at him for a moment longer, watching as he disappears out the door. That’s love. Not the grand gestures, but the knowing. Knowing when your partner needs you. I finally spin around, much calmer.

  “I don’t want to lose Jamie,” I whisper, “but I don’t know how to make this work. I don’t know if I can stop being angry. I’ll try, but you don’t understand that world like I now do. You can’t possibly understand everything I went through, and knowing that, I don’t know if I can look at you and not have a repeat of what just happened. There’s too much inside of me. Too much damage.”

  “We do love you, Lacey,” my father says. “There’s just no fixing what we’ve done, and neither your mom nor I know what do with that.”

  “I know.” I swallow.

  “As for Jamie,” my mother says softly, “of course we don’t want you two to lose each other. Whatever you want, we’ll make it work.”

  “Thank you.”

  I mean that, sincerely. From the bottom of my heart. We stare at each other for a moment longer. My mom looks from me to the baby.

  “Will I ever see you again?” She says with watery eyes. “Will I ever meet my granddaughter?”

  She’s trying not to fall apart for me and I appreciate that she listened.

  “Keep letting me see Jamie, and just… you know, I won’t be able to stay away from you forever, Mom. I just need time.”

  “I understand,” they both say softly. “Thank you for coming, Lacey.”

  “Yeah. Well, I better go save Adam from Jamie’s chicken preaching. I’m pretty sure he hates animals, and Jamie can get a little, uh…” I place my finger on my chin. “Enthusiastic.”

  They both give me an awkward nod as I quietly make my way out the door. I walk down the familiar steps to the chicken coop. The chicken coop is open; there are no doors. I awkwardly hover in the doorway, expecting Adam to notice me immediately, but he doesn’t.

  “Yes,” Jamie says with an eye roll. “These are the same eggs you eat at breakfast. No, it’s not gross. You just have to take care of the momma chickens.”

  Adam’s lip twitches. He’s looking down at Jamie with a light in his eyes that takes my breath away.

  “Okay, I guess. I’m still considering going vegan now.”

  I almost burst out laughing. Adam, vegan? Yeah right. I bite my lip and hold back, though. This moment is too precious to ruin.

  Jamie looks so annoyed, it’s hysterical. Adam is totally cranking him up.

  “Seriously? Go vegan, then. I’m done showing you the chickens.”

  Jamie crosses his arms over his chest and huffs. As he goes to turn away from Adam, he sees me.

  “Lacey, save me!”

  He runs over to me and wraps his arms around my legs. He’s my light. He’s the shine in my dark world. I know I look like a disaster from the fight, but I’m hoping Jamie doesn’t notice.

  “What is he doing to you, Jams? I’ll kick his butt for you.”

  “He’s just annoying!”

  I look at Adam and bite my lip.

  “Annoying, huh?”

  “Yes! He thinks the eggs we eat are gross now because they come out of the momma chickens.”

  “I’ll set him straight. Don’t worry.”

  “You gonna set me straight, huh?” I glance at Adam to see his lip twitching.

  “You mess with my bro, you mess with me. Ain’t that right, Jamie?”

  I extend my fist. Jamie punches it.

  “That’s right, sis.”

  Adam looks at me, eyes full of a heart he rarely ever shows. His gaze drifts down to my stomach. Family.

  “I surrender. Lacey’s too tough for me. I could handle you, but not Lacey,” Adam teases, somehow managing a straight face.

  “That’s what I thought!”

  Jamie sticks out his tongue with his thumbs pressed into his temples. Adam looks at me, eyes smiling.

  “Yeah, no one messes with Lacey.”

  “Right. Not my sister.” Jamie reaches over and squeezes my hand. Oh my gosh, my heart. It’s gonna melt. Dissolve in a puddle right here on this floor.

  “You ready to start heading out?” Adam asks in a quiet voice. Jamie hears him, and instantly starts to panic.

  “Don’t leave again! You just came back, Lacey!”

  I want to tell him I never left him, especially not for freaking school, but I don’t have it in me. School’s pure. In a way, it could motivate him to pursue an education. The truth, even a spun out version of it, would leave a little mark on his soul. I’m not willing to do that.

  “I’m not. I promise,” I whisper.

  I crouch down and hold his little arms.

  “I talked to Mom and Dad. I’m gonna see you all the time. You’re gonna get sick of me.”

  “Never,” he says, eyes still sad.

  “Please don’t be sad. I have to get the baby home.” I cup my stomach. “But I’ll be back really, super soon.”

  “Tomorrow?”

  I chuckle. “Okay, maybe not that soon, but super soon.”

  “I don’t want you to go again.”

  I feel my eyes water. Adam’s shadow casts over both of us.

  “You’re my bud, now. You taught me all about chickens. You think I’d let her go that long without seeing you? Or without me seeing you again?”

  Jamie’s eyes positively light up.

  “You’re scary, but I like you. Okay, bye.”

  Jamie runs outside. That’s Jamie. Conversation’s over, he won, so he’s gone. I look up at Adam. He extends his hand and pulls me to my feet. He’s been so incredible this trip. I don’t even wait to get fully balanced on my feet before I grab his shoulders and kiss him.

  “Thank you. Tha
nk you so much. You were really there for me today.”

  “No thanking me. I heard you in there. What you said about me. No matter how little I deserve it, you always stand up for me. You always have my back, Lacey.”

  I feel my cheeks redden. “You weren’t supposed to hear that.”

  “You weren’t exactly being quiet.”

  “Oh God! Did Jamie? Tell me Jamie didn’t…”

  “No, he didn’t. I was already heading inside to see if you were alright when I heard you.”

  “You were so good with Jamie,” I whisper, looking down at my feet. “Really good. He liked you.”

  “I know what he means to you.”

  “Yes, but… Adam, you’re going to be a great dad.”

  I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I love Adam. He’s proved himself to me, but I’ve honestly been scared of what kind of father he’d be to our child.

  “I won’t let either of you down,” he says firmly. There’s a ferociousness in his gaze. No tenderness. He looks like the Boss. I nod and squeeze his wrist, understanding his determination.

  “I couldn’t have done today without you. You made it somehow… okay. Not easy, but okay. I got what I hoped for from today because of you.”

  He cups my cheek. “Are you okay?”

  I lean into him, feeling the warmth of his chest against my skin.

  “I am. I’ll talk to my therapist about it when I get back, though.”

  “Lacey, I love you. So much. I’ve thought about this a ton.” About what? “But ultimately, I decided on here. I really hope I made the right choice. I just… I want this place to hold good memories for you again. Not ones that hurt.”

  “Okay, um. I’m sorry, I don’t know what you are talking about.”

  Adam lets out a nervous smile.

  “Lacey...” He brushes his thumb across my cheek. He starts to lower down until he’s on one knee. With that one motion, everything goes haywire. My heart rate spikes. Rose starts kicking like mad in my stomach. My legs to shake and my head starts to spin.