by Bry Ann
“Adam,” I squeak. “What you are you doing?”
My voice is at a decibel I didn’t even know it was possible for humans to reach. Adam smiles, but it’s different than usual. It’s softer. Nervous. Unsure. Tender.
“Lacey, my little dove. You’re the most incredible woman —person— I’ve ever met. You’re brave, strong, beautiful, kind, loyal. I don’t just love you, I respect you, and I trust you, which aren’t things I give out lightly. I want to spend every day with you. Every morning. I want to hold your hand when things get hard. You make me feel things I never thought were possible. I learned humility and guilt. Love. Trust. You showed me what it means to be truly loyal and truly brave. If you say yes, I promise to protect you and Rose with everything I have. I promise to be gentle and kind. I promise to love you.”
I didn’t think it possible for me to melt any more than I already had, but the way his voice chokes up when he says “love you” nearly brings me to my knees. My eyes are already wet with tears, while my hands shake like mad.
“I will forever be your first aid kit, Lacey. Just please marry me, my little dove. Please say yes.”
He rips the band aid off my heart with that last sentence. The first aid kit reference. Please. Asking me, versus telling me. Promising to be kind and gentle and to protect me.
“I love you, Adam,” I sob.
I literally fall forward onto him, forcing him to catch me. He doesn’t even flinch when I force him back, so his expensive suit gets soiled in dirt and hay. I squeeze him tight. I don’t cry anymore. His strong arms wrap around me, along with a feeling of peace only his presence seems to bring.
“Yes. Yes.”
I know my voice is barely above a whisper, but he hears me. He always hears me.
He pulls me back by my shoulders.
“Really?” He asks, eyes smiling.
“Yes, sir.”
I rub his hair, messing it all up. He smiles and shakes his head, placing a hand over my stomach.
“She’s going to be a comedian.”
I tap his nose, smiling. “And you’re going to be my husband.”
His eyes darken. In two seconds flat, I am off the ground in his arms, and he is storming out of the chicken coop.
“Adam!” I shriek.
“We need to get out of here. Right now.”
And, well, I know what that means.
Sven
Three Months Later
Rose-
I’m dealing with my shit. For real. I guess there really is some stock in this therapy thing. Maybe I can see why you love it so much. My therapist sure as fuck seems to be able to read me like a damn book.
I’m different. Your life changed me. Your death changed me. And the thing you were most passionate about in this world changed me.
I don’t know where I belong anymore, to be fucking honest, and I’m sure that would shock anyone who knows me. I’m sure of myself, yet somehow not completely sure where I belong in this world. The mafia’s been it for me since I was a boy, but now something is missing.
I don’t know.
No one better fucking read these letters, Rose. Or I’m a dead man.
-Sven
I throw my pen and pad back in the drawer and hop out of bed. Since I was already fully dressed when I started this letter, all I do now is adjust my tie and throw my dress shoes on. I quickly make my way to the dining hall, where Boss, Frances, and Gioele are already seated.
“Nice of you to join us, fratello.”
“Some of us don’t sit on our ass all day, Frances,” I say with a smirk as I get seated.
“Now, now, children. We have things to discuss,” Boss says, shaking his head at the three of us.
Gioele sips his rum, laughing.
“Lacey is due any day now. Like…”
“Any day. The poor girl looks ready to pop.”
“Yes,” Boss says with a grimace. He can act all he likes, but Boss has been a fucking nervous wreck Lacey’s entire pregnancy. “I need to make sure you three can handle shit while I’m with Lacey.”
“You know we can.”
“Yes. I do trust you three, but still… Trust is...” He shakes his head back and forth as he thinks. “Naive. I trust, but with caution.”
Fair.
“I have already laid out to Gioele the runs that need to be handled. He is in charge of them, and what men will be where. Frances, you know what you handle.”
Boss throws him a stern look. Yeah, we all know. The violence. The enforcement piece. He replaced Giovanni, who was a ruthless motherfucker.
“As for you, Sven...” Boss leans forward, studying me. “You do shit I can’t while I’m with my daughter. Handle emergencies. Meetings I’m supposed to be at. Questions or problems that come up for Gioele and Frances. You’ve spent a long time trying to prove yourself, so now I’m giving you your chance. Prove it.”
“I got it, Boss. You just handle Lacey and your kid.”
Boss nods. “I know, Sven. You got your shit together.”
He doesn’t say it, but there’s a moment of eye contact we hold where he says it all. He’s proud of me for pulling it together. He respects me more for it. See, the thing in life is, no one is immune to breakdowns or pain. It’s the people who try to deny that it happens that are truly weak. The people who know it, embrace it and deal with it? Those are the people you should truly fear.
“But you also know how to contact me if you need me, all three of you. I—”
“Um, sorry?” A quiet voice sounds from around the corner, cutting Boss off.
All four of us quickly turn to see Lacey standing there, hand over her stomach, looking nervous. Mirial just had our food delivered, but none of us give a damn about it anymore. Lacey and her completely unheard of interruption have all of our attention.
“Lacey?” Boss stands quickly, studying her.
Lacey’s eyes are wide and… there’s definitely something wrong. She looks worried, and it’s obvious that she’s fighting tears. I find myself suddenly sitting forward as well.
“I think…. I think this is it, but I…” She glances up at Boss with glassy eyes, like she’s worried what he’s gonna think. “But I think something’s wrong. I don’t feel right.”
Just like that, the room is a mixture of hot and cold, action and terror. Boss springs to action and practically sprints over to a hobbling Lacey. I’m on my feet, along with Gioele. Frances, the youngest, and least likely human being on the planet to understand love, stays seated, but on guard.
“Sven!” Boss shouts, panic creeping into his voice. “Get the car ready, now!”
I’m already on it. Already doing what I can to get them there as soon as possible. Lacey doesn’t take shit lightly. The girl is made of steel and probably one of the bravest people I’ve ever met. I’ve come to respect her, now that I’m no longer acting like an egotistical dick 24/7.
So that said, something is truly wrong.
When they are off, I hurry to write one last letter before rushing off to the hospital after them.
Rose-
If you are in heaven like they say you are, please don’t let us lose anyone else.
Please save Lacey’s baby. I’ll do whatever it takes. She’s got your name, Rose. And Lacey doesn’t deserve it.
-Sven
I finish the first letter not written about myself and go, taking the letter with me like the naive boy who I once was used to do. Hoping, praying, that somehow this can help them save their baby.
Lacey
One, two, three…
I count the tiny holes in the ceiling. I wish Adam was back from his meeting. I’m trying not to complain, but I really do feel miserable. I feel really bad. I try to push myself out of bed even though I feel like I weigh a million pounds. I’m halfway up when I feel something sticky leak down my thighs and a wave of dizziness hits me.
Instant panic. Is this it? Oh my God, is this it? I feel my eyes start to water, but I shove it down.“Adam?”
I squeak. I know he’s not here, but God I need him to be. My heart is freaking out. I feel Rose inside me. But mostly, I just don’t feel right. I’ve never given birth, but my instincts are good.
Please, don’t let something happen to Rose. I don’t know how I could survive that. I’m the most scared I’ve ever been in my life.
“Adam? Adam?” My voice won’t be loud. I’m too scared. Too panicked. Too everything. “Help.”
With wobbly arms, I push myself up. I glance down between my legs. There’s a water-like substance dripping down them, but it’s not really water, and there’s blood mixed in. Blood! That’s bad.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Keep it together, Lacey. You’ve done it before under impossible circumstances.
I get myself to the bathroom and wash between my legs quickly before throwing on black sweats instead of grey, so no one sees the fluid dripping down my legs. I have to interrupt Adam’s meeting, which is scary enough. I’m not really scared of the men individually now, but together they seem so much more like mafia and it’s really scary.
Once I’m as good as I can be, I hobble out toward the dining area. I look around for someone to help me, but of course no one is there. Everyone is busy.
I pop my head around the corner of the dining room.
“Um, sorry?” I squeak.
Everyone turns to look at me. Shame. So much shame. I can’t even carry a baby properly. I want everyone else to disappear. I want Adam to run over and hold me, and promise everything will be okay. But he can’t.
“Lacey,” Adam says. He’s standing. He knows. God, he knows. I want to crumple to the floor and disappear. Will he hate me now? His baby. Oh God, our baby girl.
Hold it together.
“I think…. I think this is it, but I… but I think something’s wrong. I don’t feel right.”
I’m gonna cry. It hurts, but I think the fear outweighs the pain. Immediately, Adam is on his feet and by my side. He screams something at Sven and all the men leave soon after that, even though I see Gioele wants to stay and is worried about me. His place in the mafia has always intrigued me. He’s a family man. He has a beautiful family at home, despite all this.
“Lacey?” Adam cups my face. “It’s gonna be okay. Okay?”
All that comes out of my mouth is a squeaking noise. He looks panicked, but is trying so hard to be tough. God, I love him. I really appreciate his strength right now.
“I’m scared. I’m so, so scared, Adam.”
“I won’t let anything happen,” he says furiously.
I want to believe him. How I wish he could make that promise.
“I’m bleeding,” I say, looking at the floor. “Something’s wrong.”
I chance at a look at him. His eyes widen.
“Don’t hate me. I’m sorry,” I say desperately. “I…”
“Little dove,” he croaks, “God, I don’t blame you. I’m worried for you and the baby.”
His hand wraps around my back, providing steady support for my aching body. Getting to the hospital is a blur. I’m so scared for the baby, I can’t think straight. Adam comforts me. I remember him shouting when we got to the hospital, but it was such a rush and so traumatizing for me with all the noise and people and shouting and panic, I think I shut down. I’m in my gown in bed now. As soon as the nurse walks in, I practically shout at her.
“The blood?” I say quickly.
“It’s broken capillaries. It happens to some women when their water breaks. It’s okay, sweetheart.”
“So she and the baby are okay?” Adam snaps at her. I make a mental note to tell him to be nice.
“Yes, sir. I can assure you that as of right now, everything is okay.”
“As of right now?!”
“Adam,” I whisper harshly, “please.”
He takes a deep breath.
“As of right now?” He says, much calmer.
“Things are progressing as they should, sir,” the nurse says with a comforting smile. “I will be checking in. She’s not quite ready yet. Lacey, hun, let me know when you think you are about ready for the epidural and we’ll see what we can do. Do you need anything?”
“I’m okay.”
She nods, giving me a sweet smile before walking out. It’s starting to hurt, though, and my stomach feels like I’m going through the worst menstrual cramps of my life. The good thing is that they aren’t coming often right now. I breathe through one, exhaling through my teeth so Adam doesn’t know. He’s freaking out enough as it is and I’d rather save it for when it’s serious.
“Adam?” I say, when the nurse leaves and some of the pain has passed. He immediately whips around. “I know your job. I understand, but I really need you to be nice. Please. For me. I can’t be embarrassed and nervous through this. I need you here with me, and not fighting them. They are helping me.”
He takes a deep breath.
“I’ll try.”
“No. I need you to do better than try. Trying is stupid. Do it or don’t.”
He smiles and shakes his head. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Thank you. Thank you. Eek!”
He jumps to attention as I squeeze my eyes shut. Ow, ow, ow. This hurts really bad.
It’s nothing compared to what you’ve been through.
Like some sort of sick nightmare, the pain triggers flashbacks I can’t control.
“Tsk, tsk, Lacey…” A man walks in, slapping a steel rod against his palm. I know this man. He’s the ‘Boss’ over here. The man in charge. The meanest one. I whimper and scramble to the back of my cell.
“No, please. Stop.”
My eyes water before I can stop them, before I can refrain from giving him the satisfaction of my tears.
“My men have tried everything with you, haven’t they? You still won’t give up information on those goddamn scum. You were with them for months. Pretty girl like you, I know you have inside information.” His voice goes from eerily calm to a growl. “You’ll share with me.”
“No, please, I…”
“You in love with one of them or something?”
“No,” I squeak. “Please, don’t.”
SWOOSH! I hear it before it slams into the side of my arm. I’ve been through worse pain, so I don’t give him much of a reaction.
“Don’t worry, little slut. This isn’t how we are going to break you.”
“No, please…”
Everything whirls around me. What’s sick is that it’s the pain from the contraction that brings me out of the flashback. It’s then that I start to sob. Pain, I can handle, but this? I finally found something to make me break and beg.
“I can’t do this. I can’t. Make it stop!”
I claw at my blankets and kick wildly. I feel hands press my legs down.
“Sweetheart, can you hear me? Lacey?”
“Make it stop! I… I can’t,” I sob. “Please.”
“Little dove?” I hear a cracked voice say.
I whimper and open my eyes, stopping my wild thrashing. Adam’s soft eyes are looking back at me. Soft only for me.
“You got this.”
He looks ready to cry, too.
“I can’t. I can’t. Please, make it stop. Not both.”
I cry harder. Adam wraps his arms around me.
“For Rose,” he whispers in my ear. “Think of her. This is a way to pass a little piece of her on. Right, sweetheart?”
“I…” My crying starts to subside. We are so close to getting justice for Rose, Adam has assured me, so he can say stuff like this to me now without me losing it. He’s been working on nailing Rod my entire pregnancy.
“You stay,” I whimper. “I don’t know if I can do this. “
I’m trembling. I’m trembling all over.
“You can,” he assures me, brushing back my sweaty hair.
I grimace as another contraction hits me. Adam lets me squeeze his hand. I feel the nurse next to me, too.
“Breathe, sweetheart.”
; She proceeds to go through a series of breathing exercises with me, ones she assures me will be helpful. I already know labor is going to be hard. One, my little girl is turned the wrong direction and we are going to see how that proceeds. Two, I have back injuries from my time locked up and some internet searches have brought up something called ‘back labor,’ which sounds terrifying. And now, three, the flashbacks.
I can’t do this.
I glance at Adam, teary-eyed as the contraction passes. The nurse stands across from us, looking unsure.
“Do you want me to grab a psychiatrist? Maybe there’s something he can do?”
She’s already seen the scars. Combine that with what was obviously a flashback. I’m so embarrassed.
“No, it’s fine.”
“Lacey…”
“I said it’s fine!”
She doesn’t even seem fazed by my outburst.
“Okay, sweetheart.”
She proceeds to check machines and wires.
“It looks like you are getting there, doll. Do you want your epidural now, or would you like to wait a bit?”
“I’ll wait.”
“Okay, we’ll come back soon and do it then.”
She gives me an obviously uncomfortable smile and walks back out. Adam looks uncomfortable.
“Hey, so word got around and there’re people here to see you, but only if you’re up for it. I have no problem telling them to leave.”
“People are here to see me?”
“Of course, Lace. People love you.”
“If you’ll help me clean up a bit?”
“Of course.”
So he does. He gets the sweat wiped from my forehead and tears from my eyes. I hide my hands under my covers to conceal the shaking. I have one awful contraction and then let people in, figuring I have a few minutes before the next one.
Mirial walks in first. I relax a little when I see her.
“Señorita,” she says tenderly. She comes over and squeezes my hand. “I can’t stay, it’s not my place, but…” She glances at Adam, “I just wanted to wish you good luck. You’re going to a wonderful mother.”
