by Bry Ann
I continue to stare at him. He runs a hand down his face.
“And what the hell do you expect me to do, Lacey? Love you tons, but I’m not going soft here. I’ll be dead in a second. You have no idea how many people...” He stops himself before finishing. I try to hide my panic, but I know he sees it. Some of the hardness dissolves from his face, leaving traces of understanding behind.
“I know what I’m doing. We’re safe, but in this life, Lace, I can’t be giving my men compassion all of a sudden. They’ll turn on me. Word will get out. It’s just how it works here, babe.”
“But—”
“I’ll figure it out, okay?”
“You’ll help him?” I can’t hide the hope in my voice.
Adam brushes a stray strand of my hair back. “I’ll do what I can.” I lean into his hand. “Thank you. She’s little, Adam.”
“I hear you.” “Okay,” I say softy.
“Can you hear me? It’s just… I’ve… I’ve never talked with a snake before. Do you… do you talk with people often?”
“We’re missing the movie!”
“Can’t have that.”
We both lie back, and not even two seconds later, Adam’s hand is back under my shirt.
“We had a deal, remember?”
I laugh and shake my head. “We’re never gonna get to watch this movie, are we?”
“I’m multitasking.”
As his hand slides down, his fingers trace my c-section scar. I place my hand over his.
“Thank you for this, Lacey.”
“What’s another scar?”
He kisses my ear and goes back to watching the movie. Sure enough, he tortures me the entire time. His fingers trace my body and I can’t ask him for more. I can’t ask him to push me over the edge of sexual tension he’s dangling me off of, because then he won’t be watching the movie. And how are we going to watch number two if he doesn’t understand number one?
It’s kind of torture.
I honestly don’t know when, or how, but I fall asleep at some point in Harry’s Hogwarts adventure. My world goes black. I vaguely remember the baby crying at some point, but Adam told me he had it and to go back to sleep.
He always says that. I really need to be better about fighting him on that, and helping out. But honestly, I think the birth was almost as traumatizing for Adam as it was for me. Giving birth to Rose was hell, and I think it scared the actual living crap out of Adam, something I am sure he is not used to. I think he’s trying to make it up to me or something by never making me get up before the sun.
He’s funny.
“Well, look who’s back.”
“Hi, Cut.”
I wave awkwardly at him. It’s been a long time for two people who are used to seeing each other every day. Months! Which is just crazy. I missed him. “Heard you had a bit of a scare.” He raises an eyebrow in question.
“Yeah, but I’m okay.”
And I am. I’m fine now.
“We’re gonna take it light today, and no core training.”
“But…” “Do not argue with me.”
“Okay, fine. Cut?”
“Yes.”
He’s over the conversation. His wraps are on and he’s pacing the mat.
“I’m sorry I was such a nightmare to you in particular during my pregnancy. I have no clue why you got the brunt of my anger.”
Cut shrugs, completely unaffected. “I’m your boxing coach.”
“That doesn’t excuse it...”
“Are you gonna get changed?” Cut asks, cutting me off.
“Right.”
I throw off my zip-up hoodie, revealing a navy blue camisole, but I’m wearing leggings, something Cut notices right away. I can tell by the once over he gives me. Luckily, he lets it slide and doesn’t say anything. He definitely prefers for me to wear shorts. I think almost dying again recently gives me one free pass, which, I mean, I’ll take. The shorts thing is something I argue about with him incessantly anyway. I’m not about to turn down this win.
I’ve been working on not being so embarrassed about my scars outside of these doors. I still always wear some kind of long sleeve item, but they are a lot lighter than before. I’ve even been wearing capris and leggings out in public. It’s weird, feeling so much shame and so much pride all at the same time.
I box for the next hour and a half. I really think Cut’s idea of “light” is skewed, but maybe I’m just out of shape. I’m not even finished training when the doors swing open. I stop mid-duck and turn around. Cut softly taps me on the head, reminding me to never just stop fighting, no matter what. That was stupid. I’ve just been out of it for a while.
“Boss.”
I spin around. I see Cut nod, and Adam standing there with baby Rose in his arms. I smile. I’m super sweaty so I don’t want to touch her, but I’m standing here staring at her beautiful little body, bouncing on my toes.
“Hi, baby,” I whisper.
For the first time since I met Cut, he looks uncomfortable.“You want to meet her?” I ask quietly.
“I’d better be going.”
He reaches for his bag quickly.
“Cut,” I reach for his strong tattooed arm. “Come meet her.”
I tug his arm gently so he has to follow. We step off the mat to the ground. Adam holds her out to me.
“I’m really sweaty.” He nods, and tucks her back into his chest, the safest place in the world for her to be. I pull Cut closer.
“She doesn’t bite, Cut.”
He glares at me, but it’s guarded.
“She’s beautiful. You two are very lucky.”
There’s an emotion in his voice that I can’t pinpoint.
“Wanna hold her?”
“No. Bye, Lacey. See you tomorrow.”
He practically sprints out of here. I didn’t think it was possible for him to move so fast. I glance at Adam.
“You know better than anyone. Those scars you two wear are not just on the outside.”
I bite my lip and look down at one of the jagged pink lines running down my arm. I nod. I quickly wipe myself off and sit back down next to them.
“Can I hold her?”
He gently places her in my arms, running his thumb along her little forehead. She’s out like a light. Every time I hold her, my heart swells in my chest. I kiss her forehead.
“I promise to always protect you, little one.”
I make sure she’s out before glancing up at Adam. I rock a little to keep her asleep.
“Adam, I hate to bother you, but are you getting somewhere with Rose’s murder?” I whisper since Rose is in my arms, even though inside I’m feeling anything but quiet. “I mean, it’s been months. I get that you’re busy, but if you can’t, I will.”
The determined set of his face draws my interest.
“I’m close.” His words cut like a knife in the room. They’re cold and cruelly delivered.
“Anything you can tell me?”
“No. Not ‘til it’s done. That’s how I work, Lacey.”
I nod, exhaling through my teeth, trying for patience. I miss Rose a ton, and it’s been even worse since becoming a mom. So many memories have been playing in my head on repeat: our time in the cabin, playing silly games by the pool, when she risked her safety to come visit me in my cell before she even knew me.
“Okay, but…”
Adam gently takes Rose from me, giving me a hard glare as he does so.
“I need you to trust me.”
“I do, but I—”
“No, you don’t. Maybe within the bounds of our relationship, but with people outside of that, you absolutely do not.”
“I—”
“Don’t lie to me, Lacey. Give me three more weeks. That’s what I’m asking.” He doesn’t even wait for my answer. He walks right out of there, Rose in his arms. Rose stays with Mirial during the day while Adam works and I go to therapy, see the doctor, and train with Cut. There are a few things I have to do on
a daily basis to make sure I don’t have a nervous breakdown and my body doesn’t decide to stop working, after all the trauma it’s endured. I usually pick up Rose early, though. I love being with her. She’s a little bundle of joy. Always laughing and smiling.
I throw my jacket back on, put my bag over my shoulder, and head out of the room to shower and change. I feel gross. I’m in my own little world, walking down the halls, not paying attention to anything. I’m reflecting on Adam’s words.
“No, you don’t. Maybe within the bounds of our relationship, but with people outside of that, you absolutely do not.”
He’s right. He’s completely right. I bite my lower lip.
“Lacey,” a voice hisses.
I screech and fight the instinct to throw my hand over my face. I simply separate my feet, ready to run or fight if need be. “Calm down. It’s me.”
I let out a sigh of relief when I see Ricardo round the corner. My shoulders fall and my bag drops from my shoulder to my elbow.
“You scared me.”
“My bad.”
I look down at myself. I hate myself for still being this way.
“What do you want?”
Ricardo and I never talk while he’s on duty.
“Grabbing you,” he warns quickly, before grabbing my arm and pulling me into the corner. He looks around before turning to me again.“You told him!” He hisses, eyes dark.
“I didn’t!” Okay, I don’t know how to lie. “It’s not as bad as it sounds,” I amend.
Ricardo runs his hands through his hair. He looks like he’s ready to murder me. I step back, but Ricardo pins me, slamming my shoulder into the wall. I want to scream, but I’m too stunned, too scared. Flashbacks are swarming in my brain and it’s taking all I have to fight them.
“Don’t touch me, please. Please. Please. Please,” I keep chanting that word like it’s a prayer. Don’t touch me.
“Do you know what you’ve done? Seriously, I’m gonna be a fucking joke here!” His hand digs further into my shoulder. I shut my eyes tighter. A tear slips down my cheek.“Please,” I whimper.
“Get your hands the fuck off of her. Now!”
Ricardo’s hand practically flies off me. I slowly open my eyes to see Cut standing there. His body is calm and prepared, but he looks pissed! His light blue eyes are blazing into Ricardo’s skin, his hair is tousled and his scars, are prominent from the sweat dripping off of him from our fight.
I sprint over to Cut’s side, mind still reeling.
Cut stalks over and slams Ricardo into the wall. Hard.
“How does it feel, motherfucker? Lay hands on her again and I’ll toss you straight over to your boss.”
He lays one final push into him. It’s so hard that he slides down the wall, practically cradling his side. I’m just staring at him. I can’t believe…
“You okay?”
I force myself to look at Cut. I can’t fall apart. Not in front of him. He probably already thinks it’s a waste of time training me.
“I… yeah, fine.”
I know my eyes are watery. It’s not from pain though. It’s from hurt and shock. I just can’t believe…
“Come. We’re talking.”
“It’s okay. I’m fine. Really.”
“Notice how I didn’t pose that as a question.”
I really have no right to argue with him. I feel so tiny next to his at least 250 pound frame. He doesn’t walk ahead of me and force to follow like usual. No, he walks right beside me and keeps one eye on me the entire time. He opens the door to the room we train in, and holds it open for me. He leads me to the boxing ring. We both take a seat across from each other, leaning against the ropes.
“Lacey…”
“I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”
Stupid tears fall down my face.
“Thank you for helping me. I know you probably think I’m a waste. I didn’t do anything back there, and—” “Hey!” Cut says firmly, kicking the sole of my shoe. “Stop that. Glad I was there. Now we know what we need to work on.” My eyes widen. Oh, God.
“We’ll shift to Krav Maga. It’s a very practical, efficient form of self-defense. We’ll also work on what to do when you feel trapped. The memories get you, right?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Thought so, because you probably could have kicked his ass.” I feel myself smiling. My eyes beam as I look up at him.
“No way.”
He shrugs. “Guy seemed like a pussy.”
I laugh, but it turns into a series of sniffles.
“Look, Lacey, among these men, none are your friends. I respect your fiance, hence me being here. He may be a sick SOB, but so am I. What matters is that he’s got limits and a conscience. He has reasons for the things he does. But his men all want to advance and 90% of them are ruthless fucks. He picked them for a reason. He knows how to control them, and they are the best of the best, but they are cruel. None of them are friends of yours. You’re a kind soul, girl, and I get that, but keep yourself safe first. You deserve it. Unless it’s little Rose in trouble, you take care of you.”
Cut stands, leaving me in a weird state of shock.
“You want me to tell him?” he asks.
I look at my feet and shake my head. “No. He’d freak out.”
I can tell Cut is not happy about it, but he nods. I know he’ll respect my choice.
“I think you should, Lace.”
The truth is, I’m so embarrassed. So embarrassed I can’t see straight. I asked him to help Ricardo. Adam tried to warn me, and I really can’t believe I was so naive. I’m such a stupid, stupid girl.
“Lacey? Lacey? Yo, Lacey.”
“Yeah.” “I said I think you should tell him.”
“Okay. Noted.”
He sighs. His blue eyes bore into me. He takes a deep breath and heads for the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow as planned. Now we know what to work on.”
With that, he walks out the door, and I’m left feeling inadequate, stupid, and naive. How am I ever going to be able to raise a strong, confident daughter? I want to hide in here and never leave, but I drag myself off the floor to shower, practically sprinting down the halls.
I have therapy in twenty minutes.
Sven
“So, how did it make you feel as a kid to have no say in what happened to you?” “That didn’t matter so much to me at the time.”
The therapist cocks an eyebrow.
“Look, you don’t have to fucking believe me. I don’t give a shit.”
“I believe you, Sven. I’m just trying to understand.”
“I didn’t care about control as a kid. That came later when I had nothing else to live for. All I wanted when I was younger was…”
I don’t know how she gets me to admit this shit.
“This won’t go anywhere, Sven. None of your men, none of your… clients. This is confidential.”
“I just wanted to be loved, okay? That make you happy? I was just a fucking kid.”
“That doesn’t make me happy, and I’m not judging you, Sven.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I grumble.
“Have you been able to find love, Sven? Within yourself?”
I scoff. “This is ridiculous.” “You find most things I say and do ridiculous, but you keep coming back. So, answer me.”
Demanding old woman!
“Yeah, sure. I love myself. Why wouldn’t I?” She smiles and shakes her head. “Not the front you put up. Not your, dare I say, supreme confidence. This is different. Do you love yourself? In and out. All your flaws and weaknesses. Do you know how to be happy alone, because you are content with your own company?”
“Psh, like anyone feels that way.” I turn my head away from her, rolling my eyes.
“They do, Sven. They do,” she says softly. “I think we found our topic for next week.”
“Fine. Bye, doc.” “Not a doctor, Sven,” she says for the millionth time as I walk out of the room.
/> “Whatever,” I grumble.
I make my way to my room and, like clockwork, I pull out my pad and pen.
Rose-
This really has to be one of my last letters to you. Fuck, I don’t want to stop, but if anyone knew I did this, they’d think I lost my damn mind.
Maybe I have.
… But I can’t hold onto a ghost anymore.
Because I’m not even holding onto a ghost of what was, I’m holding onto a ghost of what might have been.
Let’s both hope this is the last one. Probably won’t be, though.
-Sven
KNOCK! KNOCK!
“Sven, you in there?” I leap out of bed. Boss, shit.
I swing the door open, scrambling to hide my pad and paper. He raises an eyebrow. I’m never frantic. What the fuck am I doing?“You alright?” “I’m fine. No idea what happened there.”
Sure I do. I’m fucking frazzled from that damn therapist again.
“I have a favor. You’re not gonna like it.”
I grunt.
“Frances and Gioele are handling some business.”
He says it in a way that means the business is the less than clean kind. It’s the violent kind. Boss has had a ton of shit to deal with lately: opposing families, men acting up, leaks… He’s had a lot of blood on his hands in a short period of time. With the birth of Rose still so recent, I know he doesn’t like it.
At. All.
But he does what he has to.
“Where does that leave me, then?”
“I need you to help Mirial watch Rose tonight. I want to take Lacey out. To a hotel, actually, so we can start planning our wedding without all this shit surrounding us. We haven’t even started, and... Look, things between Lacey and I have been tense lately. I know it’s mainly on me, but she’s been struggling with the lack of information surrounding Rose’s death. She’s feeling inadequate and I know it’s weighing on her.”
