An Amish Harvest

by Patricia Davids

  “Maybe the question you should be asking yourself is what does God want you to see?”

  He gripped the fence rail in front of him making his tender hands throb with pain. “I can’t see anything!”

  “Maybe that’s because you aren’t looking in the right direction. We must use faith, not our eyes to see what God asks of us. Try looking inward, Samuel.”

  “You’re babbling.”

  “I’m going to visit my mother for a few hours. Tell Anna I won’t be here for supper.”

  He bowed his head on his hands and heard her climb in the buggy and drive away. He listened a while longer. She wouldn’t leave him out here alone, would she?

  “Rebecca?”

  Silence answered him. He was alone. Alone and afraid on his own farm. He had been brought low. Lower than he ever imagined he could feel. The hopelessness was like a bottomless pit yawning at his feet. One step and he could drop into it forever.

  “Is this what you want me to see, Lord? That I’m not a strong man? That I’m nothing more than a frightened child?”

  He leaned his forehead against the wooden fence. The board was solid and smooth and still held the warmth of the late-afternoon sun. Would the sunset be a pretty one tonight? When was the last time he paid attention to the color of the clouds at dusk? Years, maybe. How could he have known he’d never see another one.

  “I will never ignore another of Your wonders if You’ll let me see them again. What do I have to offer You, Lord? What is worthy of such a gift?”

  Nothing. He had nothing to offer. He could promise anything. He could promise to use his gifts to aid others, to be kinder to his brothers, to devote his life to praising God, but they were all things he believed he was already doing. What more did God want from him?

  Was this how Luke felt when he lost his way? Did he see an abyss of despair and reach for drugs to keep from falling into it?

  Samuel had always seen Luke’s addiction as a weakness. Was this something they shared, like the color of their eyes?

  He couldn’t accept that. He wouldn’t.

  Rebecca said he was asking the wrong questions. Okay, Lord, I won’t ask why me. What do You want from me? Show me. I may not see, but I can listen to You. I’m listening, Lord. I’m listening.

  “Did your little nurse leave you out here all alone?”

  Samuel straightened at the sound of Luke’s voice. The clip-clop of horse’s hooves told him his brother was returning with a team from the field. “It appears she did.”

  “That’s not like her. Do you...do you need some help?” His brother’s tentative offer made Samuel realize how often he had rejected Luke’s help in the past.

  “Danki, but I can figure out where the house is.”

  “Nice shades, by the way. How is your vision? Can you see now?”

  Samuel touched the dark glasses that wrapped around his face. “Not yet.”

  “Give it some time. Your hands look awful. Do they hurt?”

  Pushing away from the fence, Samuel flexed his fingers. His hands were still stiff and tender, but he was ready to do some work with them. “Which team do you have?”

  “Oscar and Dutch.”

  “Would you like some help rubbing them down?”

  “Sure. If you think you can.”

  “I can brush a horse in my sleep. We all can. I reckon I can do it without looking.” Samuel reached out until his fingers came in contact with the mane of the nearest horse. He held on tight. “Lead the way.”

  He walked beside his brother and waited outside the stall as Luke unharnessed the pair. Samuel felt along the bench by the wall until he located the currycomb and brush they kept on pegs.

  “Do you want Oscar, or do you want Dutch?” Luke asked.

  “Either.”

  “This is Oscar.” Luke guided Samuel to the horse’s side.

  Once he started the task he had done since he was a small boy, Samuel forgot for a few minutes that he couldn’t see. He didn’t need his eyes to let his hand glide the brush over the big draft horse’s shiny dappled-gray coat. He drew a deep breath and let the familiar barn smells of horses, hay and old timbers fill his lungs.

  “What did you say to Rebecca to make her run off and leave you?” Luke asked.

  “Why do you assume it was something I said?” Samuel worked his way along one side of the horse.

  “Call it an educated guess.”

  Samuel chuckled. “It usually is me doing the scolding.”

  “That’s what I meant. So?”

  “I was bemoaning my plight. Railing against God for taking my sight.”

  “I can see why you would. I’m sorry this happened to you, Samuel.”

  “Rebecca has less sympathy.” He walked around the horse’s rump and began brushing his other side.

  “She’s a very wise woman.”

  Samuel heard the respect in his brother’s voice and wondered if Luke’s feelings for Rebecca were deeper than friendship. “She is wise and single. Is she someone you might consider courting?”

  He held his breath waiting for Luke’s answer. As much as he cared for Rebecca himself, he wouldn’t stand in the way of someone else, especially Luke, if he had similar feelings.

  Luke laughed heartily. Samuel frowned. “I don’t see what you think is funny.”

  “Are you offering to step aside if I’m interested?”

  “I don’t need to step aside. Rebecca was hired to help with my care until the harvest was over. It’s nearly done. I’m just curious if you like her in that way?” He brushed harder as he reached Oscar’s shoulder.

  “I like her fine, but she only has eyes for you.”

  “What?” He paused and cocked his head. Had he heard Luke right? Oscar swung his head around to nip as he sometimes did, but Samuel blocked him with an elbow to the nose.

  “Samuel, what did you just do?”

  “Oscar was going to bite me and I elbowed him. What do you mean Rebecca only has eyes for me?”

  “You saw Oscar swinging his head around?”

  “Nee, I can’t see anything. I just knew he was going to do it. I’m not foolish enough to think Rebecca would be interested in a blind man. You’re wrong about that.” Samuel finished brushing the horse and felt his way out of the stall. He tossed the brush and comb onto the bench.

  Luke came to his side and laid a hand on his shoulder. “She cares for you a lot, Samuel. A man doesn’t need eyes to hear the softness in her voice when she speaks to you or to notice that she is always at your side when you need something. She teases a smile from you when you are down. She makes you do more than you think you can.”

  “She’s a fine nurse. That’s all.”

  “I’m not blind. When I see Rebecca gazing at you, I see a woman who just might be falling for you. What you do with that information is up to you.”

  * * *

  Rebecca sat at her mother’s table in her bright and airy kitchen. A long row of windows let the late-afternoon light pour in. Pulling a pan of roast chicken with vegetables from the oven, her mother placed it on the stovetop. “I thought about inviting John to join us. What do you think?”

  Rebecca frowned. “I don’t want to invite John to supper. I’m not sure I want to stay for supper if I’m going to be lectured through the entire meal about what a catch he is.”

  “Rebecca May, do not speak to your mother in such a tone!”

  Reining in her resentment, Rebecca sighed. “I’m sorry, Mamm. I’m tired tonight. It’s been a long week. It is your home, and you may invite John if you wish.”

  “What has you so upset, daughter?” She checked the vegetables and chicken for doneness with a fork.

  Rebecca decided there was no point in denying it. “Samuel Bowman.”

  Her
mother spun to face her. “Why? What has he done?”

  “It’s not what he has done. It’s what he won’t do.”

  “This sounds like it may require a pot of tea to solve. Shall I put some on? This chicken needs another twenty minutes.”

  “I’ll get it. You finish what you’re doing.” Rebecca busied herself getting the tea ready. When it was done, she carried the mugs to the table where her mother was already seated.

  Her mother picked up her mug with both hands and took a sip. The steam rose and fogged her glasses until she moved the cup away. “So, tell me what Samuel won’t do.”

  “He won’t let go of his anger at God for his injury.”

  “God has broad shoulders. He can bear our anger for He is the one who gave us our emotions. Samuel is a good man. He will realize the error of his thinking in time and turn to God for forgiveness.”

  “I pray that you are right.”

  “I am. This is a hard thing to bear for a strong young man. What does the doctor say about his eyes?”

  “That his blindness isn’t due to his injury. It is his mind that won’t allow him to see. The doctor is hopeful Samuel will recover, but I’m afraid he will give up and stop trying.”

  “As Walter stopped trying to get better?” her mother asked quietly.

  Rebecca’s throat closed and she could only nod.

  “You have come to care for Samuel a great deal, haven’t you?”

  “I shouldn’t, I know. I’m trying to control my feelings.”

  “Any why shouldn’t you care for him?”

  “I loved my husband. I don’t want to love another man.”

  “Well, then, it is best that you don’t.”

  “Mamm, why do you say that? You are forever pushing John at me.”

  Her mother stirred her tea. “That was when I thought you might fall in love again. If you are determined to stop trying, then I’m wasting my time.”

  “Is that what I’m doing?” If she refused to accept that she could love another, then love would never come her way.

  “I think you can answer that question better than I can. Our negative thoughts can become self-fulfilling prophecies.”

  Tears sprang to Rebecca’s eyes and rolled down her cheeks. How could she profess to believe in God’s plan when she was so angry herself?

  “I’m no better than Samuel. He doesn’t want to see. I don’t want to love. The truth is I’m as mad at God for taking Walter away as Samuel is at his loss of sight. We are a sad pair.”

  Her mother came and wrapped her arms around Rebecca’s shoulders. “A sad pair, perhaps, but neither of you is beyond hope. God heals all wounds in time. Here on earth or in the hereafter.”

  “I don’t know why I’m so upset. I like Samuel and I want to see him get well. That’s all. I want all my patients to get well. I’m grateful God has given me this calling. Caring for others is fulfilling work. I believe it is the path God has chosen for me. I’m content with that.”

  Her mother tipped her head to the side and regarded her with pity. “Rebecca, who are you trying to convince?”

  * * *

  Rebecca woke suddenly in the middle of the night. She lay still in the darkness listening for Samuel’s footsteps overhead. She had learned when she returned from visiting her mother that Samuel had retreated to his room, refused supper and wouldn’t speak to anyone.

  Rebecca had fallen asleep listening to the sounds of him pacing overhead. Now it was quiet. Was he finally sleeping? Something told her that wasn’t the case. Rising, she went to her window that overlooked the back of the house. She saw him sitting on the stone wall. Somehow, he’d found his way to his favorite spot.

  Should she leave him alone?

  She wouldn’t be able to sleep, knowing he was out there without anyone to guide him back. He could stumble into the river and drown. She dressed quickly and silently let herself out of the house. The moon was half-full and slipping down in the west, but it gave enough light so that she could make her way to his side.

  “Go back to the house, Rebecca. I’m fine. Leave me in peace.”

  She wasn’t sure how he knew she was there, but she wasn’t going to be intimidated by his rejection.

  “I happen to like watching the river at night.” She sat down on the wall.

  “I don’t need a babysitter. I found my way here, and I can find my way back.”

  “Fine. Go back to the house and leave me in peace. Do you think you are the only one who is troubled in the small hours the night? You want to see again. I want to hear my husband’s voice one more time. I want him to whisper to me that everything will be okay. I want to see him come strolling through the door with a big grin on his face. It isn’t fair that he is gone and I am left alone. I know what sorrow is, Samuel Bowman. Explain to me why your loss is so much greater than mine.”

  “It isn’t.”

  “Each of us must bear the sorrows of this world according to His plan. You have this—I have mine. Sitting here wallowing in pity will not bring my husband back. It will not restore your sight. So we are wasting our time sitting on this cold stone wall when we have comfortable beds. I’m going back to mine. Guten nacht.” She stood and started to move away.

  “Rebecca?”

  She paused. “Yes, Samuel.”

  “I appreciate all you have done for me.”

  “I was glad to do it.” All she wanted was to comfort him.

  “I’m not wallowing in pity out here. I’m searching for a new purpose. I’m listening to His will and trying to learn what He wants me to do.”

  “I’m sorry I assumed the worst.”

  “Don’t be. I’ve been wallowing in pity for quite some time.”

  She sat back down on the wall. “Have you found what you were seeking?”

  “Not yet. I feel as if the answer is right in front of me, but I can’t make it out.”

  “I know the feeling.”

  “Really? You seem like a woman filled with purpose.”

  “I’m not. I’m struggling, too. I say all the right things, but deep in my heart I’m angry with God and I’m frightened by that anger.”

  “We are two wounded souls, are we not?”

  She smiled, remembering her mother’s words. “We are a sad pair, but not beyond hope.”

  “Will you be going home now? I can feed myself and dress myself. My hands are tender and sore, but I can use them. I don’t need a nursemaid.”

  “I’d like to stay and help through the rest of harvest. Your mother has a heavy workload.”

  “That would be a kindness. You should go back to bed.”

  “If you don’t mind, I’d like to stay a while longer.”

  “I don’t mind at all.”

  She remained beside him in contented silence until the moon set, then together they went in.

  * * *

  Rebecca took a chair in the corner of Dr. Marksman’s office. Luke leaned against the wall beside her. She wasn’t sure why she was being included in this family meeting with Samuel’s physician, but she was eager to hear what he had to say. Not only because Samuel was her patient and her friend, but because she cared deeply about him. Samuel chose to remain in the waiting room.

  Dr. Marksman took a seat behind his desk and leaned his elbows on the cluttered surface. The rest of the family sat in a semicircle around him. The doctor folded his hands. “I’m sorry to interrupt your work. I know the timing of harvest is critical. I won’t keep you long, but I felt strongly that I needed to have this conversation with Samuel’s entire family.”

  “Have you bad news for us? Is his blindness permanent?” Isaac’s tense tone echoed Rebecca’s feelings.

  Dr. Marksman sat back and drummed the fingers of one hand on his desk. “Samuel’s burns are healing
well, but I have another concern that I wanted to discuss with you. The damage to Samuel’s eyes was minimal.”

  “Blindness is not a minimal thing,” Anna said with a huff.

  Dr. Marksman gave her a sympathetic smile. “I don’t mean to trivialize his condition, but the physical damage to his eyes isn’t severe enough to cause the ongoing problem with his sight.”

  Isaac tipped his head to one side. “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

  Luke crossed his arms over his chest. “He’s telling you that Samuel can see.”

  Everyone turned to glare at Luke. His mother shook her head. “Samuel would not pretend such a thing if it were not true. You are calling your brother a liar.”

  Luke shrugged. “I was with him in the barn yesterday. Oscar reached out to bite, as we all know he can. Samuel blocked him with his elbow. I saw him do it.”

  Rebecca glanced from face to face. No one believed Luke. She wasn’t sure that she believed him, either. “It could have been a coincidence,” she offered.

  “It looked like a deliberate move to me. That’s all I’m saying. A few minutes later he would’ve fallen over a bucket in front of him if I hadn’t guided him around it, but I’m sure he saw the horse was going to bite and he checked him.”

  Noah sprang to his feet, outrage shining in his eyes. “What reason would Samuel have for pretending to be blind?”

  “I don’t believe he is pretending,” Dr. Marksman said, pulling everyone’s attention back to him.

  Noah sank onto his chair again. The doctor reached for a book and opened it. “Samuel is suffering from something that used to be called hysterical blindness. Medical professionals now call it a ‘conversion disorder,’ a condition that causes the patient to show psychological or mental stress in a physical manner. To be honest, I’ve never treated anyone with this disorder. There is a long list of causes, but most of them point to a type of anxiety or psychological trauma that triggers temporary blindness. Samuel’s eyes can see, but emotional turmoil has caused him to block off visual impulses from his eyes to his brain. He isn’t doing this on purpose. He is truly blind, but the reason isn’t physical.”