Collected Fiction

by Kris Neville

  Ballenger thought of his job at Meritt and Finch. Wisely, the citizens had expressed their will to him: never talk to anyone at Meritt and Finch unless absolutely necessary. If you don’t talk to them, we don’t have to be always making decisions. You don’t have to be bothering the citizens all the time, getting the swing shift out of bed with emergency votes.

  So Ballenger kept busy with his punch cards and forms and rows of figures and files. Feeding the computer. Which was composed of an almost infinite number of little things going yes and no. With such uncomplicated fundamentals as that, it was a mystery the thing could even add.

  And Ballenger smiled, and he answered questions, and he never went out to lunch with anyone.

  Twenty before nine: a commercial. Traffic was unusually heavy. He had hovered almost motionless for nearly five minutes. Now a lane was open. The building was less than a quarter of a mile away, and he entered the descent level, checking visually. He tensed as an idiot pilot dropped too rapidly. Probably an emerging nation. What’s the hurry?

  Moments later, he was parked safely. He surrendered the blades to an attendant for a claim check. The check looked all right.

  He walked quickly to the elevator and checked the directory posted on the wall. It told him the enemy was on the third floor: Suite 315.

  Down he went.

  F. Terrace Watson was seated behind his desk in the inner office, surrounded by file cabinets, an addressograph machine, a postage meter, a voice typer and a computer with memory storage.

  Watson looked up from his desk in the inner office when he heard the corridor door open. It was too early for the mail drop. Who could it be at this hour? His part-time secretary, an expensive extravagance which flattered his ego, would not be in until after lunch for the mailing, so he arose and went through the door to greet the visitor, presumably a salesman.

  Ballenger stood nervously beside the vacant receptionist’s desk. He was dressed in a conservative suit, a style which had not changed appreciably for the last sixty years, in contrast to the vacillation of women’s fashions; he was short, had a receding hairline and weighed no more than 120 pounds.

  Watson was a tall man, many pounds Ballenger’s superior, with a face that was heavy from rich foods and the eyes of a dictator.

  Suppose the unsupposable, Ballenger’s Chief of Planning Operations whispered. Consider every possibility, no matter how remote. A nation prepares for all contingencies. Merritt and Finch would demand an explanation for his refusal to pay this illegal bill.

  “You are F. Terrace Watson?” he asked. “My name is Bart Ballenger.”

  And if Ballenger, as Chief Executive, allowed the job at Meritt and Finch to be lost, the citizens would most certainly revolt and throw him out of office. With no one to run the nation, it would become very sick.

  “Yes?” asked Watson. “What can I do for you? If it’s about employment—”

  “You don’t know me?” asked Ballenger in amazement. “You are F. Terrace Watson, the attorney?” Ballenger was disturbed by this development. How could the attorney, who had written him so many letters, each signed with a savage flourish, fail to recognize the name Bart Ballenger? There was a mystery, here. What did the Secretary of Defense think?

  Watson searched his thoughts. Someone from one of his ex-wives? Someone from Ernie, trying to collect the little bit he still owed from the Santa Anita meeting? A process server?

  Ballenger brought out the letter.

  Ballenger had been with Meritt and Finch for eleven years; he could never find another job as good. So Watson, at all costs, must be stopped from notifying them. How could Ballenger present a legal brief to Mr. Herreras in defense of his refusal to pay this illegal bill? Mr. Herreras did not even know that he was one nation, under God, with all kinds of different people inside him, and it isn’t safe to talk to fascists who don’t even understand that elementary fact. Evolution decrees their defeat, but natural selection is a slow process.

  “It’s about this,” said Ballenger.

  Instantly Watson assumed the stern countenance and demeanor appropriate to the profession. “Let’s see, Mr. Ballenger. I believe it’s about the overdue account that you wish to see me?” He reached out for the letter and glanced at the amount. “Twenty-three dollars and forty-seven cents.”

  “I want to talk to you about that.”

  “Well, let’s just step into the office, here, Mr. Ballenger. I’m glad you realize just how serious this matter is. I’m glad to see you’ve come down in person to straighten it out. Please sit down.”

  As Watson walked around his desk to his chair, a tiny doubt opened a crevasse in his thoughts and uneasiness leaked out. In the memory of his profession, which was long and honorable, had anyone ever called personally? Not that he was aware of. This was the most mail order of all businesses, composed of fleshless names, first-class postage stamps, white paper, black print, stern taped warnings for the larger delinquents. Human breath sent it into disarray, and Watson felt uncomfortable in his own office. Let us explore the situation, which may be delicate or fraught with annoyance.

  “Now,” said Watson, after seating himself, “Mr. Ballenger, if you’ll just let me have your check for $23.47, we can put an immediate end to this matter, and you will be spared any possible future embarassment and inconvenience. If the amount is a little too much for you right now, I know we can work out a satisfactory payment plan. Many of my accounts pay as little as five dollars a week. I understand how people can get in over their heads on matters like this, and I want to be as reasonable as I can be.”

  “It’s not the money, you know that,” said Ballenger, running the words together, still standing.

  Watson frowned sternly. He made it a practice of ignoring all letters from accounts which did not contain money. Had Ballenger written protesting the bill? “Do I understand there’s been some mistake? From the account number, here, this is for some musical tapes, isn’t it? Didn’t you receive the merchandise? Was the recording poor? Fuzzy pictures? If that’s the case, I’ll have to go back to the company with this, and if their records are in order, and if you haven’t complained within the required time—” He left unspoken any direct threat.

  Ballenger observed that the attorney was introducing irrelevant material. “I received the tapes, they were satisfactory in quality,” he said. Diplomatic Corp personnel came forward with advice, prepared with documents. The Secretary of State cleared his throat. “I think you will have to agree, as an attorney and a specialist, that asking us to pay for these Miss Terri Paul tapes is the equivalent of demanding we pay alimony. You have no proof whatsover that indicates we have ever been married.”

  Watson rolled the key to the voice typer between thumbs and forefingers. The accounts, of whom this man was one, were purchased at twenty-five cents on the dollar in blocks of one thousand. A few were always totally uncollectable because of legitimate reasons: merchandise returned and not credited, defective merchandise, incorrect merchandise, unordered merchandise . . . Out of this group of ten to twenty in each block of accounts, one or two might threaten legal or other action upon receipt of dunning letters. Standard practice ignored them. They had no case; the dunning letters always complied exactly with the applicable laws of the State of California.

  Such people, however, were nuisances, and Watson considered for the merest instant whether or not Ballenger might be an unusually aggressive example of that type. But any suspicion that Ballenger was contemplating a law suit evaporated, and Watson saw that he was dealing, instead, with a maniac. New forms of insanity were breaking out all over, as a tragic consequence of universal peace.

  The sensible thing, Watson knew, was to stand from his chair, ease the man quietly from the office, lock the door and hope Ballenger would not come back.

  “You’re perfectly correct, Mr. Ballenger. There is no reason for you to pay this bill. I’ll see that you’re not bothered by it any more. A tragic misunderstanding for which I apologize.”


  Watson stood up. He moved to the side of the desk. Would more reassurance be required? It was difficult now. “I’m sure this alimony matter will work out, too,” he added.

  Ballenger was outweighed by one hundred pounds and was a good six inches shorter than his enemy. One equalized such contests. He looked up at the attorney. So now he was going to be threatened with alimony. What was behind that threat? He was in trouble enough already.

  Better ask the Secretary of the Interior: have we ever to your knowledge been liable for alimony? The answer, in the negative, came back. Still dissatisfied, he said, This is a very serious matter; could we be liable without our knowledge? His Scientific Advisor assured him that it was completely impossible.

  “I deny any knowledge of alimony,” Ballenger told Watson.

  “Just don’t worry about anything,” said Watson, soothingly.

  Ballenger realized this might be even worse than he had anticipated. What would Mr. Herreras say to this? Charges were piling up too rapidly. From his own logic, which was impeccable, sprang a new accusation.

  Could this man Watson know Miss Terri Paul and her sorry collection of constituents? Was there a conspiracy, had treaties been made against him, was aggression contemplated?

  Watson spoke as though to a child. “You just put it out of your mind. Go home and rest. You don’t feel very good this morning.”

  Ballenger felt panic. The Chief Medical Officer said, I’m afraid we’ve run into another nut, here. The world is full of such nations, they cause all the trouble.

  This one, said the Chief of Security Forces, is a lawyer. Lawyers are the most dangerous of all. They can exhume treaties to the days of King John to cite against us.

  Watson, looking down on the man he completely dominated physically, felt a moment of compassion. Ballenger was sick; he needed help. Watson decided to probe the extent of this post-Freudian psychosis, to divine in which direction help for the poor, disturbed man might lie. “You have some relatives here?”

  “The question,” said Ballenger, “is an insult to national dignity! I am perfectly capable of fighting my own wars!”

  A little flicker of fear came to Watson. Against the power of a madman, his physical advantage might be cancelled. Ballenger might be capable of hurting him and, beyond that, might constitute a larger menace. The idea, half formed, that it would be possible to reason Ballenger into seeking medical attention, vanished. No other avenue of assistance lay open to the attorney. In the absence of criminal conduct, only a relative could have Ballenger committed.

  Watson could prefer a misdemeanor charge: but if the insanity were temporary, or if Ballenger could recover sufficiently to conceal it from the judge, then Watson himself, might be in an unfortunate and vulnerable legal position himself: a suit for false arrest, or worse. The thing to do was definitely to get him out of the office as soon as possible.

  “Come along, now,” said Watson, reaching out. “Let’s walk out here in the corridor.” Once in the corridor, Watson could duck back in the office, slam the door and lock it. If Ballenger stayed outside, an anonymous call to the police might then result in his detention for questioning and lead to the court sending him to the sanctuary the state provided for such disturbed people.

  Ballenger shrugged off the hand. He checked to see that all his people were awake. A crisis was near. Once the man, Watson, got him into the corridor, he would be attacked. All the other nations in the building would see it, of course, but none would come to his defense. Ballenger had made no alliances here. His alliances were with the entertainment industry, in Hollywood, in New York City, in the TV industry. They were too far away to help him now! Could they even hear his cries?

  What wild charges Watson would make! And could the nation, with the best legal minds available, refute them? Watson was one of the extremely mad ones: a prisoner of the past. He had not been able to escape evolution’s cul de sec: specialization. Watson treated all the organic components within himself with total contempt for their civil rights. Logical thought was impossible with him. Ballenger confronted a primitive organism.

  So Watson was threatening to consider it as an international matter, beyond reasonable compromise. Ballenger had come prepared for that. Was all diplomacy, forever, for nothing? Make one more try at private negotiation.

  “You’ll never get us before the United Nations,” Ballenger said.

  “You know it’s stacked against us; you know we wouldn’t have a fair chance to defend ourselves; we’re outnumbered.”

  Ballenger sounded the alarm. Everyone was appraised of the situation. Are you behind me, citizens? he cried. A resounding 97 per cent: yes!

  Red alert! cried Ballenger’s Secretary of Defense. To arms! To arms! Man the barricades! Prepare to repel the invasion!

  Watson’s hand came out once more. It fixed on Ballenger’s shoulder. “Come along now. I think it’s time for you to leave!”

  The Secretary of Defense told Ballenger: He’s getting ready for a sneak attack! Hurry!

  Ballenger acted then. He declared a national emergency. The soldiers came forward, waves of them.

  Scientists readied the missile-launcher site and took control of the panel with flashing lights.

  Get out of my way! snarled the Secretary of Defense to the Secretary of State. This is exclusively a military matter, now!

  Ballenger removed the missile launcher from its hidden silo and twisted to his left, firing upward, once, bang!

  There was silence. The sound of Watson’s body as it met the carpet. Silence.

  We had to defend ourselves, he told the citizens. It was us or them. Eighty-one per cent approved the action. The pacifists, less than ten per cent of the population, had continued that portion of the work which had not contributed to the war effort. They now returned to full participation in the society.

  Ballenger congratulated the Secretary of Defense for always being prepared and put the missile launcher in his pocket.

  The Security Forces took over. He had touched nothing in the office. No fingerprint problem.

  Ninety seconds later, the Security Forces withdrew, and the technicians took over. He was at the control bar. The music of strings and oboes came from the radios. He looked at his watch. Just after nine. The swing shift people could get their sleep. He ended the emergency.

  He asked the Secretary of the Treasury: How was that? That’s the kind of war you like, isn’t it? Seventy-seven cents is all it cost us this time. Seventy-five cents for parking, two cents for the bullet. I run an economical administration.

  Some two hours later, when he was preparing to go to work, the Security Force people remembered the letter on Attorney Watson’s desk, but by then it was too late to do anything about it but fire the Security chief.

  FROM THE GOVERNMENT PRINTING OFFICE

  At three and a half, it’s logical for adults to wear eyeglasses to keep their eyeballs warm. Cold eyeballs is an adult affliction no different from many other adult afflictions equally as incomprehensible.

  Adults talk always too loudly. A sonic boom for a whisper. Little ears hear the movement of air molecules in the quiet night, when listening for something else to happen.

  Adults live too fast. What passes for thinking is habit. Press a button. Listen. Press a button. Listen. Open a drawer. One of the big bastards does it without thinking, doesn’t really care what’s in there, is looking for a special thing, and he closes the drawer and hasn’t seen anything in it. Tiny hands, eyes peering over the rim, sees a strange little world in the drawer. There isn’t enough time made to know the contents. Stop the press. Here is a thing that looks like a key. See how big it is. Wow! What sort of wild surface bug goes with it? Enormous! Nobody has ever seen one that big. Where do they keep it?

  Now here’s something: a thing for which there is no conceivable use at all. It has moving parts but it doesn’t do anything. There’s no place to plug it in. I’ll bet rabbits made it. Chickens make eggs.

  “Get out of that drawer
! Let that alone!”

  There she is. I knew it. Too good to last. What was I hurting? Ask what that is, they just kiss the problem off. Push the button. Listen. Tell you nonsense. Maybe she’ll go away. Now what’s this thing? Looks interesting. What do you suppose—

  “Get out of there!”

  Aw, hell! I’ll try to reason with her. Maybe get a conversation going.

  “Candy in here.”

  “There’s no candy in there.”

  How can she possibly know that? No candy in there, indeed! My God, look at all the things there are in there. How can she possibly tell there’s no candy: she hasn’t even looked. It’s not even her drawer. It’s Poppa’s. “What’s this for?”

  “It’s not candy. Put it down.”

  No luck. Sometimes, though, you can get to them by talking about candy. Most times, like now, they don’t think at all. I’ll cry. Start quiet: it may take a long time. First a little blob, blob, waa. Makes you feel bad, but don’t get carried away, you burn out too soon. May have to keep it up for a long time, start slow and easy. She’ll wait to see how serious I am. It’s easy if you don’t rush into it. Get going good, the body takes over: close your eyes and listen. Lovely sounds. Like singing. Good voice. Lots of variety, up and down. I could go on like this all day.

  At three and a half, you’ve been here forever, and it all hasn’t been good, not by a damn sight.

  Everything has always been too big. Heavy, awkward to handle. How tired you get! All the wrong size. They get big and dumb and you can’t talk to them about anything important. Who cares how they make babies? But you want to watch, and they won’t let you. You lay awake and wait and wait and wait while they whisper, loud as sonic booms, “Is he asleep?” Close your eyes and wait some more. Maybe they’re afraid I’ll laugh at them: they must look silly.