“I know, but I know you helped, and that made it even more special.”
I forced myself to be pleasant and thanked him for letting us visit. He in return gave me a very chipper, “Sure, any time,” response.
When we were finally on the street headed for home, I exhaled a long, shaky breath. I was surely going to pay for the thoughts I was having at that moment.
Chapter Nineteen
“Taryn, his name is Gerard,” Detective Bronson said over the phone. “The waiter at La Note?”
“Oh, Gerard! Duh!”
“He doesn’t work at La Note anymore, but he remembered Rachel. He couldn’t recall when the photo was taken or who took it, but he did name the two other people in the picture. And he did admit to going out with Rachel a couple of times, but nothing came of it.”
I listened to her recount her findings in California, which wasn’t much. She still didn’t know who Spencer was, but both Gerard and another waiter at La Note remembered Rachel dining with an older man; they both assumed him to be her father until their physical affection spoke otherwise.
“We’re still working on that lead, and at the same time we’ve been questioning some of the professors at Berkeley again.”
I knew that was standard, and I knew that questions had to be asked to get answers, but I wished that we didn’t have to go through so many people to get those answers. I know she also visited with my parents again, and she recapped some of that even though I’d already spoken to them about it.
After that the case barely went anywhere during the month of November. I learned a lot of little things about my sister, but none of it had anything to do with her death. I had even resorted to asking Maggie questions again—which I’d done before, but didn’t get anywhere—and she still knew nothing about her mom’s life. It was the little things that bugged me, like not even knowing the name of the man she was going to introduce Maggie to at the end of that week. Was it Spencer? And who the hell did my sister go out with the night she died? Her purse hadn’t turned up yet; neither had her cell phone. Her phone records led nowhere.
For Thanksgiving Maggie and I made a trip to south to spend the holiday with my family in Kensington. I was excited to see them, and so was Maggie. In fact, we had such a good visit that I really regretted having to go back to Washington. Again, what was I going back for?
“I know you have Zack, sweetie,” my mom was telling me. “But really… Why can’t you consider moving back? Maggie would have all of this family to love her, and it would be so good for her…”
I knew she was right, and it made me cry. I didn’t know what to do anymore because it was what I wanted too—especially because my parents really yearned to have a better relationship with Maggie—but I knew I didn’t want to leave Zack, either.
“If he cares about you, he’ll let you do what’s right,” my mom continued.
“Well how do I distinguish between what’s right and what I want?”
“What is it that you want?”
“Honestly? I want my sister’s case to be solved, I want Zack, and I want to be closer to my family. I know, wish in one hand, right?”
She smiled her sympathy. “Taryn, you stress out about things so badly…”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Well, that there are a lot of choices to make, and it’s not the worst thing in the world to make one that doesn’t work the first time. Sometimes you just have to do it to find out if it’s right.”
To be honest, my mom’s counsel didn’t really help me much. I felt that I was the only link to keeping Rachel’s investigation going. What if they just stopped working on it if I moved? As it was, sometimes I didn’t even wait for Detective Bronson to call me about anything. Sometimes I would call her, just to offer a thought, or a tiny little fact whether it was significant or not. I had no idea what might be that one thing that helped answer a question or two, or could possibly lead to finding out what happened to my sister.
I also knew my parents were worried about me. They were freaked out that I would somehow suffer the same fate as Rachel. Of course I’d thought of that too, even though the police assured me I didn’t need to worry, but I still didn’t like staying in a house alone with just Maggie. I felt safe when Zack was there, and he understood that and stayed with us quite a lot, but I was kind of tired of such temporary arrangements. It was part of the reason why I felt in limbo. I had such a great relationship with him, but there were just no guarantees yet.
Jared came over one morning to drop off Clyde for the day. It was the Wednesday after Thanksgiving and Maggie and I had just returned home the night before. Jared was another issue that I struggled with, and ever since the day we were at his house, I couldn’t stop thinking about his feelings for me. It made me uncomfortable, yet at the same time I wanted him to care about me.
Maggie had spoken to him on the phone two times since that day—she wanted to babysit Clyde. I’d spoken to him too, but nothing that had anything to do with that day at his house. As much as I wanted to remain friends with him, I knew that I couldn’t be around him—at least not alone.
Zack was there that morning and they were formally introduced for the first time. It was weird watching Maggie go from watching cartoons on Zack’s lap to running to give Jared a hug. But I guess she was happy to see Clyde, and she hugged him too. After that she coerced the dog into the living room so Zack could meet him, and after he did, he got up to meet Jared.
The two were pleasant to one another, as I knew they would be, so I let them talk as I finished up breakfast in the kitchen. Zack even invited Jared to stay and eat with us, and I was surprised when Jared accepted. I just kept my attention on Maggie the entire time, tending to her needs and answering her questions. It was safer that way.
Ten minutes after Jared left, Zack announced his departure too.
“Aw, but I want you to stay and play with Clyde,” Maggie frowned.
“Sorry, munchkin. Maybe if he’s still here when I get back.”
“Uh, I think Clyde is leaving around four,” I told him.
“Ah, perfect timing,” I heard Zack murmur. I knew he wasn’t talking about the dog being gone. It was because he usually didn’t arrive from work until after five.
“You invited him to stay for breakfast,” I told him. “Maggie begged him to let her babysit Clyde for a day. Are you upset that he was here?”
“No, not at all,” he said, pulling me close for a hug. He pressed his mouth against my temple to kiss me and added, “Keep your enemies closer, right?” He then gave me a kiss on the lips and said, “Bye my beautiful girls. Have a good day.”
I watched him leave out the front door before I could have a response.
“Hahaha!” Maggie laughed loudly. “Look, Taryn!”
I glanced at Clyde with one of Maggie’s princess tiaras on and smiled. “Hey, let’s dress him up like a girl and take pictures,” I said. For some reason I knew Jared would hate that. It made me feel good, like I was punishing him for being so incredible.
Maggie was thrilled. “Okay!” she giggled.
At least Clyde provided some much needed entertainment that day. He didn’t really do much but lie around, but Maggie had a great time mothering him for six hours. The dog probably got more exercise putting up with a five-year-old for a day than he did in an entire month.
The weird thing was that I was the one that crashed on the family room couch around three o’clock. I think I was still pretty tired from the holiday weekend and from staying up so late the night before with Zack. I woke up when Maggie apparently let Jared in, and the two of them stood by the couch staring at me.
“What are you guys doing?” I mumbled. I was even wedged between the dog and the couch, like I’d been cuddling him.
“You let my dog sleep on the couch?” Jared asked.
I tried maneuvering around Clyde to sit up and said, “We didn’t think he could actually get up here.”
“He may be chunky an
d awkward, but he knows a good deal when he sees it.”
“Hey, we made him a cozy bed,” I pointed. “He laid there quite a lot.”
“I don’t mean the couch being the good deal,” he said, giving me a look.
I understood he meant me, but I decided not to respond.
“Get down,” he motioned to Clyde. It took a few seconds, but the dog eventually worked his way to the floor.
I realized why Maggie had been so quiet when I saw her sucking up a milkshake that Jared had brought her. She sat on the couch and continued to watch cartoons, and then Jared sat down between us.
“Nice and warm,” he remarked, referring to where I’d been sleeping.
“I did that just for you.”
“Hmm, thanks,” he replied, handing me my own milkshake. “Caramel. That’s what you like, right?”
“Uh, yes. Thank you. And how did you know that?”
“I pay attention.”
I studied him for a few seconds, trying to decide if he was a little irritable, or I was just being sensitive. Grumpy or not, he was completely gorgeous. The top of his hair was normally in a fauxhawk, as it had been that morning, but now it just seemed disheveled. And I wasn’t sure if I was staring at his mouth or the stubble surrounding it, but both were attractive. His eyes appeared worried though, due to their natural ability to depict emotion, but also because now his eyebrows seemed to be giving him away.
“Everything okay?” I asked. “How did your day go?”
He barely shrugged a shoulder. “It was fine.”
“Are you fine?”
He slightly turned toward me and said, “Yeah, I’m fine. Why do you ask?”
With a shrug I replied, “I don’t know. I’m sorry I let your dog on the couch.”
He finally relaxed a little with a slight smile. “Nah, it’s okay. He’d never try it on his own. I don’t have to worry about him doing it at home because he’s too lazy.”
“Then are you upset with me about something else?”
“No, why do you think that?” He sounded defensive again, agitated.
“You just seem…bothered. And by the way, did Maggie look to see who it was before she opened the door?”
“No I’m not bothered, and yes she looked out the window. Actually yeah, I am kind of bothered,” he decided to add. He turned even more on the couch so he was facing me and quietly said, “I just… I don’t get it, Taryn. If you can’t be honest with your boyfriend about what’s going on between us, how can you even feel like you have a very strong relationship with him?”
“What?”
“He invites me to have breakfast with you guys? The guy that’s been pursuing his girlfriend for the past two months?”
“He was being polite, Jared. Isn’t that what you’d do?”
He lowered his voice even more, so Maggie couldn’t hear. “No, I’d kick his ass out of my house.”
“Well then maybe Zack has a little more class than you do,” I glared.
“He smugly befriended me, Taryn. I’m not an idiot.”
“He did not. He’s a very nice guy and… Yeah, maybe he was a little on guard, but what do you expect?”
“Oh I don’t blame him one bit—a move like that is meant to tell me he’s not threatened by me—but my point is that you can’t even talk to him about it.”
“You’re wrong. We’ve talked about you quite a lot. Lately it’s been about the things that Maggie shares with him, but I have told him that you’ve asked me out.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“What about the rest of it?”
“You really want me to share your songs with him? I kind of thought you didn’t want anyone else to hear them. I was trying to respect your privacy.”
“Taryn, I’m not talking about the music. I’m talking about how you feel about me.”
I didn’t know what to say at that moment. I could deny it I guess, but where would it get me? I knew why being around Jared was hard for me, but what was I supposed to do about it?
“Why can’t you just put yourself in my shoes?” I asked quietly. “Please? Can you just…pretend you’re going through what I’m going through and… Jared, I hate dating, okay? I especially hate starting out with someone new and the awkward, learning-to-trust-someone stage. My last boyfriend was a liar. I do not want to go through that again. Can you understand that? I hate feeling so worried. I have something really good with Zack and I would be stupid to mess that up.”
He barely nodded, but didn’t say anything for a while. Finally he said, “Yeah, I hear you. I’m sorry.”
“And you may not realize what if feels like to be the person that gets dropped for someone else, but I surely do. And it sucks. I can’t do that to a person. Zack deserves more than that because he’s a great guy. He’s kind and generous, and he’s the type of person that I can count on. He’s honest and balanced and just…”
“Perfect. Yeah, I get it,” he frowned. “I said I was sorry, Taryn. I don’t need it rubbed in my face.”
The tension was so thick I felt ill. We were both quiet for a few seconds, and because looking at him was the last thing I wanted to do, I stared at cartoons instead.
“I should get going,” he sighed. “Come on, Clyde. Time to go, buddy.”
“Awww,” Maggie finally spoke.
“Sorry kiddo, but Clyde has to help me change the oil in my car.”
She giggled. “He can’t work on cars.”
“Sure he can. He lays there and tells me if I do something wrong.”
“He tells you? What does he say?”
“Nothing. I never do anything wrong.”
She laughed again, and it made me smile. But Jared had such a way with Maggie that I was a little envious. I wished I could get that playful, carefree mood from him again, but instead we’d become uneasy around each other. Why couldn’t we just be friends?
Zack came over around five, a little earlier than he usually would. I was pretty sure it was because of Jared, and that made me feel bad. I realized that Jared did have a point, and maybe being honest with Zack was what I needed to do. I was already feeling a little cranky. Jared’s words seemed to pound reminders into my head every five seconds and I felt guilty.
The conversation didn’t go like I wanted, but I guess I didn’t really have an idea of how it was supposed to work. We’d ordered pizza, and after the house was straightened up and Maggie was put to bed, I tried to cuddle with Zack until I found a way to bring up my problems with Jared. I just couldn’t do it though. I didn’t want to hurt him for no reason, especially because I truly did believe we had something great and I didn’t even understand what I had with Jared. What would I say?
However, Zack was the one that said, “Can we talk about something?”
I sat up to face him and said, “Sure. Anything.”
“Jared?” He waited for a few seconds, probably to gauge my reaction, and then added, “I just need to know, Taryn. It’s killing me to just sit back and give you space, and I’m not sure I can do it anymore. I want to be okay with the friendship between you two, and I will be if you just tell me that’s all it is.”
My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. Even when I thought I was going to bring up the conversation myself, I still didn’t feel this bad, and now that Zack was making himself face it, I felt guiltier than ever. And because he was worried about it, it made me feel a little desperate to make things right between us.
“We’re just friends, Zack. He’s just… I don’t know. He’s an interesting guy to be friends with, I guess.”
“Well I appreciate your attempt to soften the blow, but I’m a big boy, Taryn. Just tell me the truth. I definitely know he likes you more than just a friend, so in case you’re not sure, that’s a fact. And I can tell you like him too, but what I want to know is how it compares to how you feel about me.”
Ugh, hearing him say that killed me. I hadn’t answered that question myself. “I don’t know how I feel, Z
ack, and that’s the truth. My life is with you right now, but Jared… He just does his best to keep himself in the running and…”
He barely nodded his head.
“You’re my priority, and I’ve told him that,” I said. “I want you because what we have is… I love what we have. I mean it’s what I’ve always wanted.”
“But it’s not enough for you.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Not if you keep wondering why you’re still in Washington. Not if another guy is making plays for you and you’re seriously considering him.”
“I’m not seriously—”
“Taryn, don’t just be honest with me; be honest with yourself. You deserve to have options, and I want you to find the very best choice for you and Maggie. I don’t hold that against you; it’s just what needs to happen.”
He got up from the couch like he was going to leave. I didn’t understand why he was just going to take off like that; he was always willing to talk about anything for any length of time. But I could tell he was upset, hurt at least, and I wasn’t sure where that left us.
“Are you leaving?” I asked.
He picked up his glass from the coffee table when he said, “Yeah, I think I’d better.”
“Please don’t.”
“Taryn, I don’t want to make this any harder than it should be. I’m not calling it quits with you. I just want you to have the freedom to make some choices. That’s all, okay? Now seems like the right time for that.”
He took his glass to the kitchen and rinsed it in the sink as I just sat there, unsure of what to do. Maybe Zack was the one that wanted a way out; maybe dealing with all of my extra baggage was becoming more than he bargained for. But I never felt that from him. I always felt that he supported me one hundred percent. And Maggie… There was no way he’d just—
“I’m going to Switzerland tomorrow,” he said, rejoining me in the living room. “I’m making some changes in my company and I can’t do it without this particular trip. Maybe it’s a good time for you to make some changes too.”
Love Today Page 15
