Love Today

by Delaney, Delia

  I sighed and said, “I didn’t tell them I was dating anyone new at all. Um, they still think I’m with Zack.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  I was crushed by the disappointment on his face. He knew it was no longer a matter of keeping his status a secret, but keeping him a secret. I felt awful. Hurting him was totally unintentional, and I could have kicked myself for running into the situation without thinking.

  “I’m sorry, Jared. It’s not what you think. There’s just so much going on with my family right now that I can’t handle bringing up my personal life with them. Everything with you and Zack and my sister was just not a good mix to talk about. Everyone had their opinions and I just wanted to do what was right for Maggie and me.”

  “So you and Zack broke up, and you decided to sell the house and move back home.”

  “I wanted to sell the house a long time ago. I guess I was waiting for something else to make the decision for me.”

  “It’s still for sale,” he stated, and I knew what he meant by it. And he added, “I understand, Taryn, but if you sell the house and move back to California…will you be happy?”

  I didn’t want to think about that. I always wanted a reason to stay, or at least something that made me feel at home, but I still felt like I was in limbo. However, if I had to pack up and leave that very day, I wouldn’t want to leave because of Jared. So what was I supposed to do?

  “I really don’t know what will make me happy,” I answered quietly.

  He looked at me for a few seconds and then slightly nodded his head. “Okay. But just so you know… I do love you, Taryn. If you have any doubt about that, I’m sorry. And if you need to hear it, even if it’s not something you would ever consider, I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you. I’d even get rid of this house for you if that’s what would make you happy. If you want a different house you can pick one and I’ll get it for you. If you and Maggie want to move in with me, then there’s plenty of room and I would love to have you both. Again, I don’t know what you’d consider, but I’ll do whatever I can to keep you with me. Just be honest with me. Let’s talk about it.”

  He seemed so desperate to keep me in his life that my heart felt full. I wanted the same thing, but I just didn’t know what choices were going to be right for me. I finally had someone that was open enough to give me options, but I was still afraid to make a decision.

  “Right now I’m just trying to do what’s best for Maggie and I think she needs to be around more family. But for me personally…I don’t know if I’m ready to go back home or not,” I admitted. “I mean I thought I was, but I don’t want to because you’re here. But then again, I don’t know what your plans are. I know you’re not going to be here year round, and I don’t think there’s any logic in staying here without you.”

  “Point taken,” he said with a nod. “But…how do you feel about just…sticking with me? I mean I’m heading to L.A. in January to rehearse for a week, and then we’ve got a four-week mini tour. Do you and Maggie want to come with me?”

  I stared at him for a few seconds, trying to process everything without opening my mouth and saying something stupid. “Um, tour?”

  “Sure. If you want to work you can, but if you just want to chill and enjoy the experience with Maggie, that’s cool too. Whatever you want, Taryn. Seriously. I would do whatever you want.”

  I considered it for a few seconds, wondering what it would really be like. Going on tour with Jared Miller? Would I be his tag along girlfriend? And although I’d never discussed it with him, I was worried about exposing Maggie to such a lifestyle. I knew that Jared stayed away from situations that could affect him negatively, but it still made me apprehensive. And being that I was already concerned about raising Maggie the right way, it was hard to make so many decisions when it came to her environment or what she experienced. I didn’t know what would influence her this way or that, and even though I knew that was exactly the perils of parenthood, I still wanted to do my best.

  “You have questions,” he noticed. “Ask them.”

  “Well, my main concern has to do with Maggie.”

  He nodded, seeming to know at least that much.

  “And I was trying to get an idea of what it would consist of. What would you do with us? I mean…I don’t know what it’s like for you, so I can’t picture how it’s going to be or how I’m going to affect how it would normally be for you…”

  He smiled and said, “Taryn, if you and Maggie came with me, I would be the happiest guy on earth. It would make my tour better. Trust me.”

  I liked hearing that, and it did ease my worries a little.

  “And you two would have whatever accommodations that you want,” he added. “Depending on the schedule, sometimes we just rock, eat, sleep and repeat,” he smiled. “Then there are times where we go and do fun stuff, either as a band or with a few of our crew, or with wives or girlfriends or other friends and family that could be in the area. It just depends. But all I want to do is spend time with you and Maggie. You don’t have to worry about being placed on the back burner. Of course I’ve got stage time and other commitments around the shows, but all the other minutes of the day will be for you.

  “And Maggie is only five. I want her to be five, Taryn. I want to make sure she experiences the things that little kids should experience. And if there is an atmosphere that’s inappropriate for a five-year-old, then I don’t want to be there either.” He took my hand and said, “I’m so serious about this, Taryn. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. And if you do get tired of the traveling and want to go home, I totally understand. But please… Will you just think about it?”

  I did agree to think about it. I even thought I already knew my answer, but I decided to wait until after Christmas to let him know, like he suggested.

  He also decided not to come to Kensington with us. I’m sure it was for a couple of reasons—one being that he probably didn’t want to suddenly show up to meet my family, even though I was ready to tell them that I was in a relationship with him. I understood his hesitation, but I really did want him to come with us. But perhaps the most important reason he didn’t come—maybe it was the smartest decision on his part—was that the separation between us only made me want to be with him more. I learned a lot about myself when it came to Jared, and I knew that I needed him in my life.

  By the second day at my parents’ house, everyone knew that it wasn’t Zack I was talking to, especially because of Maggie. She went on and on about Jared, telling them as much as she could about Halloween, Clyde, his house, Christmas shopping, and Christmas presents. And of course my mom had to ask, “Why were people attacking him in the street?”

  Well, I knew that I wasn’t going to keep Jared’s identity from them if I ever wanted him to meet them, so after their confused faces when Maggie answered, “ ‘Cuz he’s popular,” I had to explain that she meant Jared was famous. Then I told them how famous he really is.

  “Breaking Point? Your boyfriend is Jared Miller?!” my brother squealed. I actually knew that would be his reaction since Breaking Point was one of his favorite bands. “Are you freakin’ kidding me?”

  “What the hell is Breaking Point?” my grandpa gruffly asked.

  “It’s a rock band,” Braden answered. “Like, one of the most popular bands there is. Taryn, I gotta meet him,” he pleaded. “Please, please? Oh man, I can’t even believe this…”

  Maggie was pretty entertained by this, and then she casually said, “He’s super cool.”

  I had to laugh—it was such a Jared response—and I said, “Braden, you guys will get to meet him. Just give me some time to… I don’t know. Get used to it myself, I guess. I’ve only known him for a few months, and we’ve only been…dating…for a couple of weeks.”

  “What happened to Zack?” my mom asked. “I thought things were pretty serious.”

  “She kisses Jared now,” Maggie informed her.

  “Oh my gosh,” I moaned.

  My
brother let out a surprised but thrilled chuckle and said, “Holy crap, my sister kisses Jared Miller…”

  I rolled my eyes and said, “You guys have to not be so juvenile about this, okay? Jared is a regular guy that just happens to have a very…publicized career. He’s really laid back, very low key when he can be, and he’s just a really nice guy. I don’t want you to get so awestruck with him, all right?”

  “Taryn, the boy is a famous rock star,” my mom said. “What’s wrong with getting a little star struck? That may not be how you reacted when you met him, but give us a break.”

  “How did you meet him,” my dad wanted to know.

  “Well…his dad is actually, uh, Rachel’s boss,” I replied carefully. “Or, uh, was. John Miller? He’s who Rachel worked for.”

  Everyone kind of took the information silently, and my parents both nodded their heads.

  “I didn’t even know who he was at first,” I said to break up the awkward quiet.

  I proceeded to explain the story to them, and even Maggie listened since she hadn’t heard it before. My brother thought I was a complete idiot for not recognizing him, so I had to paint a certain picture for him: Jared Miller in a suit with his hair combed, and Jared Miller in his normal “rock star” appearance. He seemed to give me a little slack, but he was pretty sure that he would have recognized him no matter what.

  Braden wanted to know everything about him, and I think with Maggie sharing her opinions about Jared, my brother thought he was the coolest person on earth. He even begged me to call him up and talk to him so he could listen in and maybe get a chance to say hi. I knew Jared would be okay with that, so I did let my brother talk to him for a bit the day after Christmas. It was the funniest thing—seeing the stupid smile on his face the entire time—but I couldn’t get him off the phone until Jared said he needed to talk to me.

  “If you could only see the look on his face right now,” I said quietly when I took the phone. I headed for the spare bedroom for privacy as Jared chuckled.

  “How old is he? Fourteen?”

  “Thirteen.”

  “Wow, he’s pretty into the music scene. I think he knows more about me than you do.”

  I lightly laughed. “Hey, I like getting to know you without having to read it first.”

  “Yeah? That’s good because it’s how I like it too.”

  My phone signaled that I had another call coming in. When I glanced at the screen I saw that it was Zack. My heart quickened its pace; I hadn’t spoken to Zack for two weeks.

  “You there, Taryn?”

  Jared’s voice brought me back to reality. “Yes, I’m here. Uh, can you give me a minute?”

  “Sure, you wanna just call me back?”

  “Okay, that works. Talk to you in a bit.”

  I thought I might have missed Zack’s call, but I guess I switched it right at the last ring.

  “Thought I was gonna have to leave a message,” he said. “Are you busy?”

  “Uh, I was just on the other line. But no, I’m not busy. It’s, uh, nice to hear your voice.”

  There was a pause on the other end and then he finally said, “It’s nice to hear yours too. I miss you.”

  I didn’t know what to say at first. Actually my first response was to say that I missed him, too. A lot. But I think since I did miss him a lot, it also made me feel hurt. He was the one that left. He was the one that changed things between us. I felt a little defensive, and I had to play it safe.

  “Did you get everything taken care of in Switzerland?” I chose to say. “When are you coming home?”

  “Uh…things aren’t quite finished. I’d say a few more weeks. Did, uh…did you and Maggie get the Christmas gifts I sent?”

  I paused for some reason. Yes we got the gifts, and I was surprised by the gift he sent me. But I had put it away for the time being; I couldn’t have it out as a reminder.

  “Yes, we did,” I finally replied. “And I tried to call you to say thank you but your phone said you were unavailable or something. I couldn’t even leave a message.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. It must have been when my mailbox was full. I lost my phone for a couple of days and had to get another one. But that’s a long story.”

  “So why couldn’t you have called us? Sorry, never mind.” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear his excuses, whether they were legit or not.

  “I’m trying to give you some space, Taryn. I know you have Jared now.”

  “I’m with Jared because you handed me over to him.” I said it with mixed emotions. I was still hurt over it, but I also felt guilty for saying that out loud. It made me feel bad for Jared, like I was only with him because Zack made it possible. Was that really how I felt? Would I have given Jared a chance without Zack pushing me into it? I wasn’t sure if it was meant to be that way or not.

  “You don’t have to be in a relationship with someone if it’s not what you want,” he pointed out.

  He sounded irritated with me, and I wasn’t sure why. What in the world did he expect?

  “Taryn? I’m not going to be the guy that holds you back, okay? You have the final say, but I don’t want you to miss out on things that you want.”

  “It wasn’t your decision to make, Zack. You can’t just tell somebody that they have to shop around and then say, ‘Well gee, if it’s not what you wanted in the first place, then why are you still seeing him?’ ”

  He scoffed. “That’s not what I’m saying.”

  “It is what you’re saying. You’re the one that changed everything.”

  “And I did with good reason. I know I was right, so why are you blaming everything on me? You wanted more with Jared, I know you did. Do you feel guilty? Is that why you’re mad at me? You don’t have to feel guilty. It’s not like I hold it against you in any way. I know you care about me, but I know you have feelings for him, too. There’s nothing wrong with that, Taryn. I just don’t want you to have any regrets.”

  “So even if I decide that Jared really is who I want to be with, you’re totally okay with that?”

  “Well, ‘totally’ wouldn’t be the word I’d use. I’d be okay with it if it’s what you want.”

  “And what if it’s not what I want?”

  “Is it not what you want?”

  “Answer the question. What if it’s not what I want? What if I want to be with you?”

  There was silence for quite a while. Finally he said, “I guess that’s up to you.”

  “Up to me? Are you really that indifferent, Zack? You want to be with me if I say it’s okay? You really have no preference?”

  “Of course I have a preference,” he replied, getting irritated again. “Do you not understand what this is about?”

  “I guess it’s about you not giving a crap. That’s fine. If you still want to remain friends, I would really like that, but if you don’t care whether or not we have more than that, then what do you expect me to say?”

  “You could just be honest.”

  “Honest? About what?”

  “About Jared. I don’t particularly care for you downplaying your relationship with him just to keep me strung along—”

  “What?”

  “And if you think it doesn’t bother me, then you’re wrong. I want you to have the best, but you’re not doing me any favors by keeping things from me.”

  “I don’t even know what you’re talking about. You dumped me a month ago. I’ve been seeing Jared for two weeks now. I don’t know what it is that I’m keeping from you. I continued to call you, but how can I still be in contact with you when you don’t care enough to do the same?”

  I could hear him sigh, and then he said, “I’m gonna finish my stuff up in Switzerland. If you want to keep me posted about the things going on—like when you’re moving, or anything about Maggie—then I’m willing to talk about it. Other than that I think you’re better off not juggling two relationships right now. I’m still going to back off so you can decide what it is that you want.”

&n
bsp; Words wouldn’t even come to me. I didn’t understand how we’d gone from friendly ex-lovers to completely bitter acquaintances.

  “I’d really like to talk to Maggie right now if you don’t mind,” he added. “Unless of course she’s not interested because there’s someone else that fills the void.”

  “You don’t even have a right to say that,” I finally said. “That was your choice, Zack.”

  “No, not really. She was already purchased by your new boyfriend. I only stepped aside.”

  “Why are you being so unfair? I don’t understand you, I really don’t. How can you—?”

  “I’m sorry, Taryn,” he sighed. He waited a few seconds and added, “I didn’t want to do this. It’s just… I’m sorry.”

  I didn’t say anything for a while. The Zack on the phone didn’t seem anything like the Zack that I knew in person. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I did understand that he was probably more hurt about me dating Jared than he wanted to admit. I could understand that—I would feel the same way—but I guess I still didn’t understand his insistence in the first place. Sure he had his business stuff going on, but was that really the main reason?

  “Let me go get Maggie,” I finally said. “She would love to talk to you.”

  She was right in the next room, and when I told her that Zack was on the phone, a big smile filled her face. In a way it broke my heart, but I was incapable of assessing things at that moment.

  I straightened up the family room as she sat on the couch and talked to him. I was glad the house was fairly empty—my brother was in the garage with my dad, and my mom had gone with my grandparents to visit some friends.

  They spoke on the phone for about fifteen minutes, until Zack must have said he needed to go. The end of their conversation consisted of Maggie’s replies of: “Okay… Okay… Haha!... Okay… Yeah… I miss you too…” She handed me the phone a minute later and scurried away to return to her toys.

  “Are you still there?” probably wasn’t the most intuitive thing to say, but it was all I had.