Love Today

by Delaney, Delia

  “He was scared,” he interrupted.

  He studied me intently as he waited for me to understand. Jared had no problem with eye contact, and I could see so much emotion in him that I wanted to cry.

  “And yeah, I could say that’s his loss for being such a chicken shit,” he continued, “but I’m not naïve. I know not everyone wears their heart on their sleeve like I do. See I have no problem telling you that I love you because it seems stupid to keep it a secret. You love someone, you tell them. I have no problem telling you that I’d like to buy you and Maggie a house in San Francisco; I have no problem admitting that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, or that I would give up my career for you if that’s what it takes.”

  Just hearing those words pushed the tears over the brim and they ran down my face. I knew he felt that way, and I hated myself for causing him to be so conflicted over it. I knew I would be very happy with Jared, and I felt like a witch for making him doubt that.

  “Don’t ever give up your career,” I said quietly. “It’s what makes you so special, being able to share yourself with the world like that. If it makes you happy, it makes me happy.”

  “You just want the fame and fortune that comes with it,” he joked, and it made me laugh. He knew it wasn’t true in the least bit, but I was glad for the light moment.

  I took a deep breath and wiped the moisture from my face. Jared had such a different nature to him that I was unfamiliar with when it came to guys. He always joked that he was an emotional wuss, but in a way it was so beneficial to me to know that a guy could be so completely honest. I think it’s what set him apart from the rest, and because of my bad experiences with guys in the past, I felt comfortable with Jared and I completely trusted him.

  “I’m sorry you’ve been so torn up over this,” I said, taking his hand in mine. “I’m not upset with you in the least bit; I’m just glad that we can talk like this. You know, be open and upfront about everything. It’s such a comfort to me, and I appreciate it. I mean I know most of it comes out in your music, which is what makes it so powerful, but I’m glad you’re able to do both.”

  “Well, instead of holing myself up and writing it down, I decided to tell you this time.”

  “You already did write it down,” I had to accuse.

  He laughed, but he nodded his head and said, “Yeah, I did a little. But I have a guilty conscience and decided I had to share it.”

  “You’re amazing that way. And about what you said earlier—wanting to spend your life with us—”

  He stopped me by holding up his hand. “I don’t need for you to commit to any decisions, Taryn. I unloaded all of that on you, but I really don’t want you to feel pressured. I think I just needed you to know all of that, if that makes sense. I feel better for some reason, and I’d rather just keep things the way they are.” I nodded my agreement, but then he added, “But I am serious about a house in San Francisco. I don’t need to be in Everett anymore, and I’m finally ready to make that change. I want you and Maggie to pick out a place, and hopefully I can crash on the couch once in a while.”

  I chuckled and said, “You can sleep at my parents’ house, on my brother’s floor. He’d be thrilled to have a sleepover with you.”

  He laughed and nodded his head. “I would definitely do that, too. Whatever you want is fine with me.”

  “I don’t need you to buy me a house, Jared. I think for now Maggie and I can stay at my parents’ house. She’s starting to get really comfortable with them. Maybe eventually I’ll think about finding a place, I would really love that, but right now I just can’t worry about it.”

  “I don’t want you to worry about it, which is why I’ll get a place that you really like, and you and Maggie can have at it.”

  I sighed. It wasn’t that I hadn’t considered living with him, knowing that it would work out well, but I just wasn’t sure about someone buying me a house. I loved Jared, and I was grateful for his generosity, but it just wasn’t in my nature to be so dependent.

  “I can tell what you’re thinking,” he said. “Pay rent if that makes you feel better. It doesn’t matter to me, but if it helps you decide, just pay a part of it.”

  That felt a little more comfortable to me, and I did agree. In fact, I was pretty excited about it, and we began to discuss neighborhoods that I’d consider living in. Jared even made a phone call to get someone to look into it for him, and by the time we went out for dinner that night, I felt like my life was a little more settled. I almost forgot about all the crap going on around us, and it actually felt really nice to be together again, just the three of us.

  The next morning brought paternity results, but at least I wasn’t surprised. I was able to enjoy an evening with Jared and Maggie without the anxiety. And when Detective Bronson informed us that there wasn’t anything else the police needed us for, we caught a flight that landed us in San Francisco by dinnertime.

  My family was happy to see us again, and Maggie was so tired that night that she fell asleep on the couch by six-thirty. I didn’t even bother to fill them in about the most recent events in the investigation. For one, I didn’t know anything concretely new; for another, I just didn’t feel like talking about it; and most importantly, it didn’t change the current situation. What would be the reason for bringing it up?

  However, I did bring up the fact that Maggie and I would be moving into our own place soon, and when it came up that Jared was going to be buying the house, my parents couldn’t hide their surprise. There were a few awkward questions, and then my dad finally said, “So is there something else that’s going to happen that we should know about?”

  I was embarrassed, and I’m sure Jared might have been too, but since it was my own parents we were talking to, I chose to face it first.

  “No, there’s nothing you should know. Jared’s selling his house in Washington so he can be closer to us here.”

  My dad was confused for a second before asking, “So…you and Maggie are moving in with him?”

  I took a few seconds to choose my words as my brother, who had just rejoined us from the kitchen, exclaimed, “Cool! Can I, too? Please? Can I move in with you, too?”

  He was specifically asking Jared by then, and I could tell he was completely caught off guard. But my dad rolled his eyes and said, “No, you are not moving in with him.”

  Braden was about to argue, but I gave him a look that said not to push it.

  When Jared left for a hotel that night, I was sad to see him go. The last couple of days had been emotional and it just felt right to stay with him. I needed him to hold me and make everything better. It made me really think about a different kind of relationship with him, the kind where physical boundaries were never considered. It hadn’t come to that yet—Jared was really principled in that sense—but I wondered what living with him in a house was going to be like.

  I took a shower an hour later, after Maggie was all ready for bed and looking through books until I was ready to read to her. I heard her voice while I was towel drying my hair in the bathroom. I thought maybe she was reading to herself (making up the story to go along with the pictures) but when I stepped out of the bathroom, she was on my phone.

  “Uh huh,” she said, smiling really big. “No, he doesn’t care… He likes the blue bow, though,” she added, and I knew she was talking about Clyde. “Yep,” she giggled, wiggling her feet as she sat on my bed. I smiled and ran a comb through my hair as I listened to her speak to who I thought was Jared until she said, “Zack! You’re so funny! Haha!”

  My heart almost stopped and I stared at Maggie twirling a piece of her hair as she talked about her visit to Disneyland. I almost panicked when I said, “Honey, uh, here…” and held out my hand for the phone.

  “Oh, here’s Taryn,” she told him with a big smile. When she handed me the phone she squealed, “He’s coming to see us!” and then skipped out of my room to find Clyde.

  My heart was thundering in my chest when I put the phone to
my ear. “Hey,” I said, trying to keep an even voice.

  “Hey,” he replied.

  “Um, sorry about that. I didn’t realize you were on the phone.”

  “It’s fine. She’s a great conversationalist.”

  I smiled just slightly, and nodded my head. “Yeah, she is. I just meant I’m sorry you had to hear things you might not want to hear.”

  “You mean all of her fun times with Jared? I like hearing about anything she does, Taryn. She’s happy; it makes me happy.”

  I was glad to hear that, but I was sure it was uncomfortable for him. However, I decided to say, “Um, are you coming to see us? Maggie said that you were…”

  “Uh, yeah, I mentioned it. Of course that was before she asked if I was also going to move in with you and Jared.”

  My heart dropped a little. I knew he was going to find out about it sooner or later, so at least it was out in the open now. “Yeah, things are changing a little.”

  “Yes, I guess so.”

  I didn’t say anything for quite a while. I had so many things I wanted to say to him, but I had no idea where to start. I decided to ask him where he was with his business endeavors. Somehow it was going to answer questions for me in a round about way if I could steer the conversation just right.

  “Everything’s done,” he replied. “I’m back in Seattle right now and I’m through with everything in Switzerland.”

  “So…how are things going to be different for you? Will you be working less, or is your job going to change at all, or…?”

  He paused for some reason, and then he said, “Taryn, I sold the company. I’m no longer the CEO of Secure Snowboards.”

  Chapter Thirty

  “What?” I barely said.

  “Rusty took over my position and he’s got my international relationship with Switzerland. He represents the American half now.”

  I fumbled for something to say. For one, I had no idea why he would sell his multi-million dollar company; and for another, I didn’t understand what it even meant. Finally I said, “Zack, I don’t understand. I thought the whole purpose of Switzerland was for you to expand.”

  “It was, and I did. It was the right thing to do. But I just didn’t want to be married to a business anymore. Rusty will be better at it than me anyway—he’s the business genius—and now I can go back to the days where work decisions don’t run my life.”

  I thought about that for a second, trying to understand the timing of everything. “So you sold half of your company to someone in Switzerland so you could turn your half over to your assistant?”

  “No, the whole purpose of Switzerland was to make the deal. Rusty was on board from the beginning, and then I decided that I wanted him to take my place. I’m still going to do a little of what I’ve always done, but only when I want to. Now I can go back to enjoying it again—training other boarders, and consulting. That’s the part that I like.”

  I was a little stunned. I thought the whole reason for leaving Maggie and I was because he was so committed to his company.

  “Taryn?”

  “Zack, you are so frustrating, you know that? I really don’t understand you! Why couldn’t you just tell me what was going on? Was I just nobody to you?”

  “What? Now you’re mad at me again? What did I do this time?”

  “You don’t know how to be in a relationship, that’s what!”

  “Excuse me? What do my business decisions have to do with anything? I own a business, Taryn. Or owned, I guess. Past tense. I didn’t realize you wanted to be a part of my professional affairs. Did you have plans for my company or something?”

  I scoffed at his tone. “I don’t want anything to do with your company. Obviously it’s the only thing you cared about at the time. I only wanted you to talk to me about stuff, Zack. I just…wanted to be a part of your life,” I concluded, feeling a lump form in my throat. But talking to him made me feel emotional, and I couldn’t help it when I exhaled and a pair of tears slid down my cheek. “And why didn’t you come see us after Christmas?” I added quietly. I sniffled and said, “Zack, that was so…heartless.”

  I heard him sigh and he said, “I couldn’t, Taryn. It would have killed me if you said it was over between us. I didn’t want to face your decision, so I chose not to.”

  “What? You’re the one that put me in that position!”

  “Taryn…”

  He sighed again, and it was really frustrating to me that it had been almost three months since I’d last seen him face to face. The last few times we’d spoken weren’t the best conversations, and even though I knew how much he cared about me, I couldn’t understand what all of the confusion was about. We just could not communicate correctly.

  However, being with Jared had taught me a few things…

  “Zack, I’m just going to start talking, and if I say something that offends you, I’m sorry. But I’m tired of all the misunderstandings, and I can’t handle it anymore. What we had was great, and it broke my heart that you changed all that. I understand that you thought you were offering me some sort of option, but to me it just seemed like you wanted to dump me so you could take care of your business stuff. I guess I don’t understand why, though. If it was so you could concentrate on work, I get it. But I told you that I didn’t want the time apart. You forced that on me—”

  “I didn’t force it on you,” he interrupted. “I know you had feelings for Jared, and since I was going to be out of the country anyway, I didn’t want you to face any tough decisions that you would, uh, regret…”

  My forehead creased in contemplation before I said, “You broke up with me so I wouldn’t be tempted to cheat on you?” I scoffed. I almost laughed about it, but only because it hurt. I was the one that feared a cheating boyfriend; I was the one that had trust issues. But I did feel that I could trust Zack, and that was why it hurt so much.

  “Come on, Taryn. Jared Miller? How was I supposed to compete with that? You had one of the most eligible bachelors in the world trying to date you, and it was only a matter of time before it happened. Sure, you told me you weren’t interested, but what did you expect? You were really going to pass on the opportunity? Lexi told me how much you liked Jared and that you were stressed out about deciding between the two of us. I only thought it was fair to—”

  “What?” I finally said. “Lexi? You talked to Lexi about us? What the hell, Zack! Why would she— When?” I asked, suddenly angry again.

  “I saw her up town one day and we talked for a few minutes. And yeah, she kinda slipped and shared something that she probably wasn’t supposed to, but it was because I asked her about it. But you lied to me, Taryn. I asked you how you felt about him, and you couldn’t answer me entirely.”

  “I told you that I wanted to be with you!”

  “But it came with a Jared addendum. You said that he just ‘keeps himself in the running.’ What exactly do you think that means? Huh? Because to me it means that you’re seriously considering a relationship with another guy.”

  I sighed because I could see his point. But at the time I didn’t realize how much Zack meant to me, and had I known what my doubt was going to cause in our “casual” relationship, I might have chosen a different response that day. But hindsight is 20/20, right? I couldn’t take back my doubt, and I certainly couldn’t erase any feelings I’d had at the time.

  “I wasn’t sure. You’re right.”

  “And that was okay, Taryn. But you just had to say so. I just wanted you to be sure.”

  “How I feel and the choices I make in relation to those feelings don’t need to be publicized step by step. You shouldn’t have made that decision for me—”

  “It was my heart on the line, too.”

  “—You should have given me time; you and I would have been fine! I loved you Zack, and all you did was make a bigger mess because now there’s a lot more at stake.”

  I didn’t even realize what I told him because I was feeling so emotional, but I was wiping the tears off
of my face when I realized it, and then he very quietly said, “You loved me, like, in past tense? Because I love you, Taryn. So much that…I wanted out of my business commitments so I could be available to you and Maggie as much as I could. And even though it killed me to sit back and wait, I just… I felt like I had to. I didn’t know how to compete with Jared. And I didn’t know what you wanted because you always pushed for our relationship to be casual. I was in love with you, but I didn’t want to scare you away.”

  I silently groaned to myself, the mixed feelings swimming around in my head and in my heart. He’d been in love with me all this time; all the while I was building a special bond with Jared. It wasn’t fair, and I didn’t understand why I was being punished this way.

  I couldn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say even if I could. But Zack said, “Taryn, I need to see you. If I come to San Francisco will you see me?”

  I wanted to agree, but I was also thinking about Jared. He was staying in town for another day until his show at the Warfield was over, and then he was heading up to Canada for two shows. We were also going to be looking at houses in the morning, and just the thought of that made me feel like gasping for air. I had never considered Jared because he was famous, and it was hard for me to hear Zack bring that up. In fact, it was the opposite, as Jared had once said. I really was intimidated because of his fame; I really didn’t want to be a part of that world.

  However, Jared had won me over on other merits, not his celebrity status…

  “I do want to see you but… I don’t know, Zack. I can’t just change everything right now…”

  “So you really have feelings for Jared, huh?” he said quietly. “Uh, you’re moving in with him, so I guess that answers my question.”

  I couldn’t respond.

  He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, but when he finally did I was surprised when he said, “Don’t take this the wrong way Taryn, but…I’m happy if you’re happy, okay? It doesn’t mean that I’m giving you up, but just stepping back again. I love you, and I do want to be with you, but I’ll give you time to decide if that’s what you want. It has nothing to do with you; it has everything to do with me. I couldn’t handle sharing your interest then and I don’t think I can handle it now. It’s just…not something I’m able to do.”