Women Behaving Badly_An uplifting, feel-good holiday read

by Frances Garrood

The emotion behind that blush hadn’t lasted, but the effect of Father Augustine had, and for the first time, she had a glimpse of what it might be like to bridge the gap between sexual attraction and real love, to have a relationship that was based on something more important than sex. She had had a moment’s insight into a depth of feeling between a man and a woman that was greater than anything she had known, and while up until now she had cheerfully done without it, suddenly she knew that it was the only thing that would complete her, the one experience that would make her fully a woman.

  So what should she do? Of course, she knew what she ought to do; Gabs did have a conscience even if she generally chose to disregard it. But supposing — just supposing — she had what it took to offer Father Augustine the chance to share an experience such as the one she dreamed of? Would it not be wrong to deny it to him? Of course he could well already know what it was to be in love; vows of celibacy didn’t bring any guarantees of immunity. But Gabs felt — no, she knew — that she could give him something he had never experienced before, and it wasn’t just sex, either.

  She spent several days brooding and plotting, and eventually she came up with a plan. She would start by going to Mass.

  This wasn’t easy, as she didn’t want Steph to find out, and her sister was an assiduous churchgoer. Sundays were definitely out as there were always so many people and she would be sure to be noticed. She would have to risk going on a weekday.

  The first time was a disappointment, as the service was conducted by the parish priest himself, Father Pat, a dour old Irishman with no sense of humour and a penchant for threats of hell and damnation. But a judicious phone call confirmed that the Wednesday morning Mass would be taken by Father Augustine, and so Gabs went along.

  Part of her had genuinely hoped that the attraction would have worn off, that seeing Father Augustine in his priestly robes would have a deterrent effect on her burgeoning affections, and she could forget about him and get on with her life. But of course, it had quite the opposite effect. Not to put too fine a point on it, Father Augustine looked divine. How could it be, Gabs wondered, that a man could look so enchanting, when to all intents and purposes what he was wearing was simply a long frock? Gabs had never liked men in kilts, and this wasn’t so very different, was it? It was. The robes suited Father Augustine down to the ground in every sense. Idly, Gabs wondered what he was wearing underneath. She knelt down and closed her eyes, the better to aid her imagination.

  Father Augustine conducted the service slowly and thoughtfully (Father Pat tended to race through the Mass as though it were some kind of competition), he smiled at the congregation (Father Pat rarely smiled), and he shook hands with everyone as they made their way out.

  Awaiting her turn, Gabs felt ridiculously nervous. Would Father Augustine recognise her from his visit to Father Cuthbert’s? Quite possibly not. She had removed all the rings and studs from her face, borrowed a subdued jacket of Steph’s, and was without make-up. She might just get away with it.

  The woman in front of her had some kind of problem, and it seemed that Gabs would have a lengthy wait. She wiped her sweating palms on her skirt (she must give a dry handshake) and resisted the temptation to adjust her hair. She looked up at the ceiling (red brick; the church was a modern one) and across at a statue of the Virgin Mary. She counted to ten, and then she counted backwards. And she waited.

  Finally her turn came.

  “Good morning.” Father Augustine’s handshake was firm and cool. “I haven’t seen you here before, have I?”

  Good. He hadn’t recognised her.

  “My sister’s the churchgoer,” Gabs said, as though that gave her some kind of licence to be made welcome, like borrowing someone else’s membership card. “She’s Steph.”

  “Ah. Steph.” Father Augustine smiled. “A great worker in the vineyard.”

  Gabs experienced a stab of jealousy. “I’m Gabs,” she said, resisting the temptation to say that hers was a different vineyard, with far sweeter grapes.

  “Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Gabs. Shall we be seeing you again?”

  “We” rather than “I.” What a difference a single word could make. Gabs’ heart sank a little. “Oh, I expect so,” she said.

  “I’ll look forward to it.”

  “Yes. Me too.”

  And that was that.

  Reflecting on the meeting on her way home, Gabs decided that Father Augustine seemed to be everything she had imagined, and more. It was true that his manner had been just a little cooler than she might have hoped, but presumably in his position, he had to be careful. It was more than likely that she wasn’t the only girl to have noticed his remarkable personal qualities, and he might even have had to fend off other approaches.

  But there was something else about him, something that she hadn’t noticed before. Gabs imagined that she had detected a sadness behind the smile, as though he carried some secret burden that he was attempting to conceal, and she thought that she recognised that look. It was loneliness. Father Augustine was lonely. Well, of course he was, living as he did with Father Pat and the sour-faced housekeeper, who guarded the presbytery against unnecessary visitors and untimely phone calls. It was unnatural for a young man to live like that, with no one of his own age and no fun. Fun played a big part in Gabs’ life, and she found it hard to imagine how others contrived to conduct their lives without it. Father Augustine needed some fun in his life, and who better to provide it than Gabs herself? But first, she needed a one-to-one encounter with him, and she knew just how to arrange it.

  The following Saturday, she went to confession.

  “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” she whispered, perching on the small and very uncomfortable seat provided for penitents. She could see through the gauzy partition of the confessional the outline of Father Augustine’s features, his brow resting on his hand, his eyes closed in concentration, and she wondered whether he would recognise her voice.

  “How long is it since your last confession?” he asked her.

  “Oh, ages,” said Gabs. “Absolutely ages.”

  “I see.”

  No, you don’t, Gabs thought sadly. You don’t see, and you’d be appalled if you did. There followed a short silence. Father Augustine coughed encouragingly.

  “I haven’t really come to confess anything,” Gabs said. “Well, not at the moment, anyway.”

  “We all have sins to confess,” said Father Augustine. “You could make your confession while you’re here, couldn’t you?” He remained silent for a few moments. “Take your time.”

  Gabs hadn’t expected this.

  “Oh, no!” she said.

  “Why not?” Father Augustine lifted his head and shifted in his seat. “Perhaps you’re struggling with your faith at the moment?”

  Gabs reckoned that more or less summed it up, but decided not to say so.

  “It’s complicated,” she said.

  “Yes?”

  “I just thought — well, I thought it would be nice to get to know you a bit better.”

  “Ah.” There was a long, thoughtful pause. “And why is that?”

  “Well, we met at — at Father Cuthbert’s a few weeks ago, and I was at Mass last week. I’m — I’m Gabs.”

  “Ah!” A different sort of “ah” this time.

  “You — you remember me?”

  “Yes, I remember you.”

  “And?”

  “What do you want me to say, Gabs?”

  “I don’t know.” This was not going the way Gabs had hoped (although she had little idea of what she had expected).

  “Well, something must have brought you here today. What is it that you want from me?”

  I want you, thought Gabs wildly. I want your body, your mind, all of you!

  “Just to have a little chat, I suppose,” she said.

  “Well, that can be arranged, of course, but not here. I’m here to hear confessions.”

  “Yes. Of course you are. I’m sorry.”
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  “That’s quite all right. Would you like a blessing?”

  “Yes. Yes, please.”

  Father Augustine gave Gabs a blessing. But still she didn’t move. It was as though she had been glued to her seat.

  “Is there anything else I can help you with?” asked Father Augustine. “Because I think there may be others waiting.”

  “Yes. Yes of course.”

  “And if you want to talk at any time, just ring the presbytery.”

  Two days later, Steph accosted Gabs in the bathroom.

  “I gather you’ve been going to Mass,” she said.

  “Yes.” There was no point in denying it. “You’ve used up the last of the toothpaste.”

  “Don’t change the subject.”

  “Okay. So I went to Mass. What’s the big deal?”

  “The big deal,” said Steph, “is that you never go to Mass.”

  “Well, I do now.”

  “So, you’ve returned to the fold, have you?”

  “I think that’s my business.” Gabs applied a pair of very long false eyelashes and gave them an experimental flutter.

  “So you’ll be giving up your — your work.”

  “No.”

  “I see.”

  “No, you don’t. You’re just being prudish and sarcastic, and you don’t understand at all!”

  “What’s to understand? You’re a tart in pursuit of an ordained priest. It seems simple enough.”

  “Goodness! You really do mind about this, don’t you?” Steph had never called Gabs a tart before.

  “Of course I do. I care about Father Augustine — he’s a good man trying to do a difficult job in a pretty godless world — and I can’t bear the idea of you making his life even harder than it is already. And believe it or not, I care about you, too. Because you’re trying to do something that would be a hideous mistake and that could mess up your life as well as his.”

  Gabs sat down on the edge of the bath. “Steph, I can’t help it. I’ve tried to forget him, I really have, but I can’t.”

  “Of course you can help it! Don’t be so ridiculous, Gabs. You’re the one doing the chasing; you’re the one who’s started going to Mass. I gather you’ve even been to confession. So you’re the one who can stop all this. Now!”

  “My goodness! Word certainly gets around!”

  “Well, what did you expect?”

  “A bit of privacy? A little less gossip?”

  “You don’t deserve privacy. Father Augustine belongs to his church and his congregation. What you’re doing is like stealing. And that’s everyone’s business.”

  “You seem to have a great deal of faith in my powers of persuasion,” Gabs said mildly.

  “Oh, I know what you can do,” Steph said. “You once told me you could have any man you wanted, and it seems to have worked pretty well so far. And a priest is in a vulnerable position, especially a young one like him.”

  “I’ve barely spoken to the man yet. And he does — he would have a choice in the matter.”

  “That’s what you say.”

  “Hm.” Gabs looked at her sister. “You’re not just a tiny bit jealous, are you?”

  “No. Of course not!” Steph hesitated for a moment. “Well, okay then, perhaps I am sometimes. Just a little. I haven’t had much success in the boyfriend department. I haven’t got your — assets. But I’m certainly not after Father Augustine; and besides, this isn’t about me.”

  “No, it’s not. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment.”

  While she understood Steph’s viewpoint, and in a more reasonable mood might even have agreed with it, Gabs was so infuriated by what she saw as Steph’s prudish interference that it made her all the more determined to succeed in her mission. She was not stupid; she knew that what she was doing was at the very least ill-judged, but she reasoned to herself that it was also her business and her life, and she could do what she wanted. As for Father Augustine, he wasn’t some naive child, as Steph seemed to imply; he was a grown man, perfectly capable of making his own decisions. He certainly didn’t need Steph to look out for him.

  Gabs smiled grimly to herself. Steph had done more to damage her own cause than she could have imagined.

  The Second Meeting: April

  Hosting a meeting with Gabs and Mavis was proving more difficult than Alice had anticipated. For a start, there was Finn.

  “What’s this meeting about?” he’d asked her when she told him that she’d like to have the house to herself.

  “I told you. It’s a reading group.”

  “But you don’t read,” Finn said reasonably.

  “I do when I have time.”

  “Okay then. You don’t have time. So what’s the point in joining a reading group?”

  “The discussion will be interesting.”

  “No, it won’t. How can listening to people discussing a book you haven’t read possibly be interesting?”

  “Finn, this is my house, these are my friends, and what we do or what we talk about is none of your business.”

  “And you want me out of the way?”

  “Correct. Anyway, I thought you were seeing Trot.”

  “He called it off. Something about seeing a man about a dog.”

  Alice knew that this probably meant seeing several men about a pint, but refrained from saying so.

  “You don’t go out when I have friends,” he pointed out.

  “You have your own room to take them up to,” Alice said.

  “Well, why can’t you —”

  “Entertain people in my bedroom? I don’t think so, Finn.”

  “It’s an age thing, is it?” Finn asked.

  “I suppose you could say that.”

  “Okay. Here’s the deal,” said Finn after a moment’s thought. “I’ll ask Kenny round, and we can play computer games in my room. We won’t make any noise, and we won’t interfere with your meeting. How does that sound?”

  “I suppose it sounds all right,” Alice said doubtfully.

  “And Kenny can stay the night.”

  “Who said anything about staying the night?”

  “I did.” Finn kissed the top of her head. “Thanks, Mum.”

  Now Alice did a quick tidy round the living room. She scooped up Finn’s trainers and sweater and deposited them at the bottom of the stairs, and rescued a bag of dirty PE kit from the hallway. She cleared away a pile of books, plumped up some cushions, and brushed a few stray crumbs under a chair. The house would never be as tidy as Mavis’s, but it’d have to do.

  Gabs arrived first.

  “Sorry to be early,” she said, dumping an enormous holdall on the floor and sinking down on the sofa. “I came straight from work. It wasn’t worth going home first.”

  Alice fetched a bottle of wine and glasses.

  “Will red be okay? I haven’t any white.”

  “Anything would be wonderful.” Gabs kicked off her shoes. “Ooh. That’s better. What a day! This man — he’s a real creep, but rich, you know? — he actually asked me to… Oh, never mind. I just want to forget him. Cheers!”

  The door opened, and Finn came in.

  “Hi,” he said, seeing Gabs.

  Alice introduced them.

  “Hi, handsome.” Gabs grinned at him.

  “Enjoy the book, did you?” Finn asked her.

  “What book?”

  “The reading club book.” Finn winked at Alice, who could cheerfully have killed him.

  “Oh, that book!” said Gabs cheerily. “Loved it. Just couldn’t put it down.”

  “What was it again?” Finn asked.

  “War and Peace.” Gabs didn’t bat an eyelid. “You should try it sometime.”

  “Finn, did you want something?” Alice asked.

  “Nope. Just checking.”

  “Well, that sounds like Kenny at the door.”

  “Yeah.” Finn dragged his eyes away from Gabs, beneath whose tiny skirt there was a tantalising glimpse of suspender.

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nbsp; “You going to answer it?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, go on then.”

  “Nice boy,” said Gabs when Finn had left the room.

  “He has his moments,” Alice told her.

  A moment later, Finn was back.

  “It wasn’t Kenny,” he said, ushering Mavis into the room. “And this lady has brought her mother with her.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Mavis said. “In the end, I couldn’t leave her on her own. She’s been getting up to things, and the friend who sometimes sits with her is busy.”

  “I’ve come in a taxi,” said Maudie, beaming. She was bundled up in several layers. There was no sign of the plastic bag.

  “Have you read War and Peace too?” Finn asked Maudie.

  “Don’t mind if I do. Two sugars,” said Maudie, unwinding coats and scarves.

  “I’ve turned down her hearing aid,” Mavis explained.

  “Isn’t that a bit cruel?” asked Finn.

  “Finn, will you please leave us now?” Alice said.

  “Isn’t there anything I can fetch?” Finn looked longingly at Gabs.

  “No, there isn’t. You can go and make up a camp bed for Kenny.”

  “Right.”

  “Off you go then.”

  “Yeah. Okay.”

  “Aren’t they just darling at that age?” said Gabs after Finn had left.

  “No.” Alice had had enough of Finn for one evening, and she wasn’t sure that she trusted Gabs. She poured wine for Mavis and herself, and sat down.

  “What about me?” Maudie said.

  “Tea?” Alice asked her.

  “I’ll have what you’re having.”

  “Just give her a drop,” Mavis said. “Last time was a bit of a disaster.”

  “And I’ll have some of those crisps. I’ve brought my teeth.” Maudie fumbled in the pocket of her cardigan. “Here they are.” She picked some bits of fluff off them and popped them in her mouth. “What’s on telly?”

  “That’s an idea,” Mavis said. “If we sit her over in that corner by the television, she’ll be quite happy, and she won’t be able to hear what we’re saying.”

  Alice had not been looking forward to this evening. She’d had a terrible few weeks, she was exhausted, and now she was going to have to spend another evening with Gabs and Mavis and Mavis’s mad mother. In addition to this, she’d lied to Finn, and Finn knew it. She would have liked nothing better than an early night with something soothing on the radio and a large glass of whisky, and instead, she was going to have to listen to tales of Mavis’s lover and the unsavoury antics of Gabs. She reflected that there were few things that made one less inclined to listen to the problems of other people than being preoccupied with one’s own. To her surprise, she burst into tears.