Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
There weren’t any chickens in those days.
How do you stop a dinosaur from charging?
Take away his credit card.
What do you call a dinosaur with a banana in each ear?
Anything you like. He can’t hear you.
Why did the Tyrannosaurus Rex go to the doctor?
He had a dino-sore.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What do you call it when a Tyrannosaurus Rex gets the ball into the back of the net?
A dino-score.
What do you get when you cross a Tyrannosaurus Rex with fireworks?
Dino-mite.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal?
The Terror-dactyl.
What did dinosaurs have that no other animals ever had?
Baby dinosaurs.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus Rex that sleeps all day?
A dino-snore.
Why do Tyrannosaurus Rex like to eat snowmen?
They melt in their mouths.
What’s huge and bumps into mountains?
A dinosaur playing blind man’s buff.
What do you call a dinosaur with no head?
A Tyrannosaurus Nex.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
How can you tell if a dinosaur is a vegetarian?
Lie down on a plate.
Why did the Tyrannosaurus Rex cross the road?
So he could eat the chickens on the other side.
The only good thing about living next door to Moody Margaret is that she knows some good jokes. There’s just one problem…
Margaret: Knock Knock.
Susan: Who’s there?
Margaret: Little old lady.
Susan: Little old lady who?
Margaret (yodelling): Little old lady ooooh.
Margaret: Knock Knock.
Susan: Who’s there?
Margaret: Abyssinia.
Susan: Abyssinia who?
Margaret: Abyssinia when I get back.
Margaret: Knock Knock.
Susan: Who’s there?
Margaret: Canoe.
Susan: Canoe who?
Margaret: Canoe open the door? It’s cold out here.
Margaret: Knock Knock.
Susan: Who’s there?
Margaret: Bella.
Susan: Bella who?
Margaret: Bella bottom trousers.
Margaret: Knock Knock.
Susan: Who’s there?
Margaret: Dishes.
Susan: Dishes who?
Margaret: Dishes your friend. Let me in.
Margaret: Knock knock.
Susan: Who’s there?
Margaret: Lettuce.
Susan: Lettuce who?
Margaret: Lettuce in, it’s raining.
Margaret: Knock knock.
Susan: Who’s there?
Margaret: Sorry.
Susan: Sorry who?
Margaret: Sorry, wrong door.
Margaret: Knock knock.
Susan: Who’s there?
Margaret: Boo.
Susan: Boo who?
Margaret: Don’t cry, it’s only a joke.
Margaret: Knock knock.
Susan: Who’s there?
Margaret: Abby.
Susan: Abby who?
Margaret: Abby stung me on the bottom.
Margaret: Knock knock.
Susan: Who’s there?
Margaret: Nun.
Susan: Nun who?
Margaret: Nun of your business.
Margaret: Knock knock.
Susan: Who’s there?
Margaret: Germaine.
Susan: Germaine who?
Margaret: Germaine you don’t recognize me?
Margaret: Knock knock.
Susan: Who’s there?
Margaret: Ron.
Susan: Ron who?
Margaret: Ron as fast as you can!
Margaret: Knock knock.
Susan: Who’s there?
Margaret: Ada.
Susan: Ada who?
Margaret: Ada lot of breakfast and I’m stuffed.
Margaret: Knock knock.
Susan: Who’s there?
Margaret: Cows go.
Susan: Cows go who?
Margaret: No they don’t, they go moo.
Margaret: Knock knock.
Susan: Who’s there?
Margaret: Adjust.
Susan: Adjust who?
Margaret: Adjust made a mess on the floor.
I couldn’t steal any more of their jokes because…Aarrrggghhh! I’m getting out of here!
“How come you always get to go first?” said Susan sourly.
“Because you can’t tell jokes and I can,” said Margaret.
“I can too tell jokes!”
“Can’t!”
“Can!”
SLAP!
SLAP!
Henry: Bert, why did the chicken cross the road?
Bert: I dunno.
Henry: There’s no point telling you jokes, Bert! Why do you always answer, “I dunno”?
Bert: I dunno.
What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have big, flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.
What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk?
A centipede with a wooden leg.
How do you hire a horse?
Put a brick under each hoof.
What’s worse than an alligator with a toothache?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
How do you know which end of a worm is its head?
Tickle it and see which end smiles.
What has 50 legs but can’t walk?
Half a centipede.
What has four wheels and flies?
A dumpster.
What did the slug say as he slipped down the wall?
How slime flies.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
How do you know when there’s an elephant under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.
What’s gray and squirts jam at you?
A mouse eating a doughnut.
What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?
No thanks, I’m stuffed.
How does an elephant get up a tree?
Sits on an acorn and waits for it to grow.
How does an elephant get down from a tree?
Sits on a leaf and waits for it to fall.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A zebra with a rash.
Where do frogs keep their money?
In riverbanks.
How long should a giraffe’s legs be?
Long enough to touch the ground.
What’s a chicken’s favorite TV show?
The feather forecast.
Why do mice need oiling?
They squeak.
What bird is always out of breath?
A puffin.
What do you call a carton of ducks?
A box of quackers.
What’s a frog’s favorite drink?
Croak-a-Cola.
What do y
ou call a crocodile at the North Pole?
Lost.
How do you stop moles from digging up the garden?
Hide their shovels.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
An elephant is walking through the jungle when he sees a turtle sitting by a log.
“Hey,” says the elephant, “you’re the turtle that bit me 57 years ago.”
“How on earth do you remember that?” asks the turtle.
“Easy,” says the elephant, “I’ve got turtle recall.”
I hate P.E.! I hate Sports Day, too, unless of course I win everything. But Al promised to pick me ahead of Margaret for soccer today if I let him put some jokes in my book. It’ll be worth it just to see the look on Margaret’s grumpy, misery-gut face!
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
She has a pumpkin as her coach.
Why was Cinderella kicked off the soccer team?
She kept running away from the ball.
What did one earwig say to the other earwig as they fell out of a tree?
Earwig go, earwig go, earwig go.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.
What is a ghost’s favorite position in soccer?
Ghoul keeper.
Where did the Gorilla play baseball?
In the bush leagues, of course!
What is the hardest part about skydiving?
The ground.
How is a baseball team similar to a pancake?
They both need a good batter.
How did the soccer field become a triangle?
Somebody took a corner.
Why did the basketball player go to the doctor?
To get more shots.
What has eighteen legs and catches flies?
A baseball team.
How did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
Why do elephants have gray trunks?
They’re all on the same swimming team.
Why is a tennis game so loud?
Because the players raise a racquet.
Why should Sports Days never be held in the jungle?
There are too many cheetahs.
Why wasn’t the basketball player invited to dinner?
He dribbled too much.
Why didn’t the dog like swimming?
It was a boxer.
What part of a swimming pool is never the same?
The changing rooms.
Where do old bowling balls end up?
The gutter.
What happened when two balls of string had a race?
It ended in a tie.
What’s Aerobic Al’s favorite subject in school?
Jog-graphy.
Mom: Henry! I’ve just had the strangest call from Aunt Ruby…
Henry: Hide!
What do you call a cannibal that ate his mother’s sister?
An aunt eater.
What do you call a really old aunt?
An aunt-ique!
Why do you put your aunt in the fridge?
To make Auntie-freeze.
Has your aunt caught up with you yet?
No, but when she does I’m going to need a lot of Auntie-septic.
How do you make anti-freeze?
Hide her nightgown.
How can you tell if Aunt Ruby’s been to visit?
She’s still in the house.
Mom: Henry, we’re having Aunt Ruby for lunch this Sunday.
Henry: Can’t we have roast beef instead?
Mom: Henry! Why did you put a slug in Aunt Ruby’s bed?
Henry: I couldn’t find a snake.
Aunt Ruby: Goodness! It’s raining cats and dogs.
Henry: I know. I nearly stepped in a poodle.
Aunt Ruby: Well, Henry, I’m leaving tomorrow. Are you sorry?
Henry: Oh yes, Aunt Ruby, I thought you were leaving today.
These jokes are guaranteed to send teachers screaming from the classroom. Just don’t blame me if you get sent to the principal…
What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable boy who brought a pin to the inflatable school?
You’ve let me down, you’ve let the school down, but worst of all, you’ve let yourself down.
Miss Battle-Axe: Henry! What is glue made out of?
Henry: Um…sticks.
Miss Battle-Axe: Henry! Were you copying Susan’s answers?
Henry: No! I was just seeing if she got mine right.
Henry: Would you blame someone for something they didn’t do?
Miss Battle-Axe: Of course not.
Henry: Good, I didn’t do my homework.
Miss Battle-Axe: Henry, I hope I didn’t see you copying Clare.
Henry: I hope you didn’t either.
Miss Battle-Axe: Linda! Why are you late for school again?
Lazy Linda: I overslept.
Miss Battle-Axe: You mean you sleep at home as well?
What would you get if you crossed Miss Battle-Axe with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
Miss Battle-Axe: William! You’ve put your shoes on the wrong feet.
Weepy William: Waaaah! But these are the only feet I’ve got.
Miss Battle-Axe: Henry! You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?
Henry: Not very much.
Miss Battle-Axe: Henry! If you multiplied 1497 by 371 what answer would you get?
Henry: The wrong one.
Miss Battle-Axe: Henry, where are the Kings and Queens of England crowned?
Henry: On their heads.
Miss Battle-Axe: Henry, make up a sentence with the word “lettuce” in it.
Henry: Let us out of school early.
What’s the difference between homework and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up homework.
Miss Battle-Axe: Henry! I’m sending you off the soccer field.
Henry: What for?
Miss Battle-Axe: The rest of the match.
Miss Battle-Axe: Henry, what is a mushroom?
Henry: The place where they make cafeteria lunches.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
He couldn’t control his pupils.
Miss Battle-Axe: Henry! Why are you doing a headstand in the classroom?
Henry: You said we should turn things over in our minds.
Henry: I wish we lived in the olden days.
Ralph: Why?
Henry: We wouldn’t have so much history to learn.
Miss Battle-Axe: Henry, I do wish you’d pay a little attention.
Henry: Believe me, I’m paying as little as I can.
Miss Battle-Axe: That’s the most horrid boy in the whole school.
Mom: That’s my son.
Miss Battle-Axe: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Mom: You’re sorry?
“NO! I don’t want Peter’s stupid, smelly jokes in my joke book.”
“Don’t be horrid, Henry!”
“I DON’T WANT PETER’S STUPID, BABY JOKES IN MY BOOK. AND THAT’S FINAL.”
“Henry, I’m warning you…”
“NOOOOOOOO!”
“That’s it, Henry. No TV for a week.”
“Oh all right. He can put in his stupid, yucky jokes.”
Psst. Listen, everyone, don’t read them. They’re awful. Skip ahead to the next section.
What’s green and rides a horse?
Alexander the Grape.
I thought I said, don’t read Peter’s dumb jokes!
&n
bsp; Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
What happens if you fall asleep under a car?
You wake up oily in the morning.
Told you they were awful! Now stop reading!
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
How do chickens dance?
Chick to chick.
Groan.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second hand shop.
Why did the germ cross the microscope?
To get to the other slide.
What do you call a vampire that lives in the kitchen?
Spatula!
How do you use an Egyptian doorbell?
Just toot-and-come-in.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
You still here? Then it’s your own fault if you have to read dumb bunny jokes.
What do you call a blind reindeer?
No eye deer.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken was on vacation.
“Peter! That’s my joke. I already told it.”
“It’s my joke! You stole it.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“MOMMMMMMMMM!”
Why did the bubblegum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
Buccaneer.
What do you call a priest on a motorcycle?
Rev.
Where do frogs hang their coats?
In a croakroom.
Peter! That’s the worst joke I’ve ever heard. Cross it out this minute.
What did the policeman say to his belly?
“You’re under a vest.”
Horrid Henry's Joke Book Page 2
