The Lie of You: I Will Have What Is Mine

by Lythell, Jane

  As soon as his door opened and Nick was greeting me I said frantically, ‘We can’t put the photographs out! We mustn’t! I’ve just seen Robert. He thinks Heja is dying.’

  There was a flash of concern in Nick’s eyes. ‘Slowly now; what exactly did Robert say?’

  ‘Have the photos gone out?’

  ‘Not yet.’

  ‘Thank God!’ I shuddered with relief.

  ‘Sit down, Kathy. Calm yourself. Tell me what Robert said.’

  I repeated everything he had said to me.

  ‘He didn’t share any of this with me when I spoke to him,’ he said crossly.

  Nick picked up his phone and he spoke to someone and he told them to hold the photographs of Heja Vanheinen and Billy Hartman until they had explicit instructions from him.

  I was still trembling, unable to calm myself.

  ‘If it’s true, I know she’s going to hurt him,’ I said.

  ‘You’ve got to keep it together, Kathy. We won’t do anything with the photos for now. And I plan to visit Robert Mirzoeff again. He should have told me his suspicions since they are clearly relevant.’

  ‘And you know she’s got Billy?’

  ‘We think she has Billy. We’ve been on to the police in Helsinki and they’ve spoken to her parents. She hasn’t been back there since last year. And no one has heard from her for weeks. Now, go home and update Markus and I’ll keep in close touch with you both.’

  Heja

  OCTOBER

  He was standing outside the lifeboat station, as we had agreed. He had parked his Saab where I could see it. I told him I needed him and he had come.

  I had left Billy with Wayne. My next conversation with Markus had to be just the two of us. I told Wayne I was visiting an old friend. She had shingles and I couldn’t risk the baby being near her. I told him I would be an hour at most. Billy was asleep in his buggy and would probably sleep the whole time I was away. Would Wayne do me the biggest favour and look after him? Wayne looked nonplussed. The woman who sat next to him was helpful. She wheeled Billy’s buggy next to her desk and told me not to worry. She had three kids and Billy would be fine with her.

  I drove past Markus and I know he saw me. I did not stop. I drove around the streets of Deal looking for any signs that the police had come with him. I did not think he would betray me. Then I drove back and parked next to his car. He walked over and his face was full of fear. Before he could say a word I put my hand up.

  ‘Billy is safe. You’ll see him in twenty minutes. He’s with a friend. I need to tell you something now, Markus, something I should have told you years ago.’

  He got into the Volvo and I drove us to a quiet back street and parked. I turned to face him.

  ‘Promise me Billy is safe,’ he said.

  ‘Safe and well; I would never hurt him. He is your son.’

  And then, and I could not stop it, my eyes filled with tears. I did not cry – ever. He reached for my hand.

  ‘I’m dying, Markus. I feel weaker every day. I have to tell you this now.’

  I stopped and wiped my tears away with my hands.

  ‘Seven years ago, very soon after you left so suddenly, I started to feel sick and my period was late.’

  He swallowed hard.

  ‘I saw my doctor and he confirmed that I was pregnant with our child.’ His face registered shock, or was it disbelief?

  ‘That last time, after that dreadful row, I conceived our child.’

  We were both remembering that night. We always fought and then we always had passionate sex afterwards to make up. That time something had been different and he had left me a few days later.

  ‘Markus, I wanted our baby so much. You were gone but I was sure you would come back. For a few weeks I was truly happy. Then I started to feel very ill, dizzy and sick all the time. My doctor ran these tests and he told me I was carrying the gene that killed Tanya.’

  Markus looked stricken.

  ‘He said our baby could not survive. Was “not viable”; those were the words he used: “not viable”.’

  ‘Oh, Heja...’

  ‘It was the most terrible moment of my life. I found out I would die a dreadful death at the very time I thought I was carrying new life.’

  Tears were rolling down my face, tears that I had never been able to cry before. He held me close then and he cried too. It had started to rain and the rain knocked on the car roof as if it was mocking us as we sat there in that embrace. Finally it was me who pulled away.

  ‘Promise me you’ll never leave me again, Markus.’

  ‘I promise.’

  ‘I need your help.’

  ‘I promise.’

  ‘We’ll get Billy now. Can you drive? I feel too shaky.’

  We swapped seats and I directed him back into Deal and to the parade of shops and the estate agent’s. I walked into the office. The woman had Billy on her knee.

  ‘He’s a great little lad,’ she said.

  ‘Thank you so much for looking after him.’

  I put Billy into his buggy. He didn’t really want to go back into it. Then I shook the woman’s hand and Wayne’s hand. He held the door open for me. I pushed Billy towards Markus and he knelt down on the pavement. When Billy saw his father he gave a huge beaming smile, put his arms up and said, ‘Dada.’

  Markus lifted him up and hugged him tight and looked at him and hugged him again. Then he said to me, ‘The police know you’ve got a Volvo. We need to park it somewhere out of the way and then use my car.’

  I agreed. He drove the Volvo to Deal train station. There was a long-stay car park at the back of the station and he parked the car there. He said he would put money in for a week of parking. Then we sat and waited in the Volvo until the rain had stopped. We took everything out from the boot and put Billy back into the buggy. I was exhausted now, almost too tired to walk back to his car. I clung to his arm as he slowly pushed the buggy back to the lifeboat station. We got into his Saab. Then I directed him to the cottage.

  We went into the house and I sat down on the sofa and said, ‘I have to rest now, Markus. I am exhausted.’

  ‘Lie down,’ he said, and I stretched out and he sat at my feet and took my shoes off. Billy was wriggling on his lap so he put him down on the carpet. It was the most incredible relief to have Markus there with me.

  He took my hand.

  ‘Always such cold hands; now I understand. This is what we have to do, darling. We’ll go to the north of England. We’ll find somewhere to live. First I have to take Billy back to Kathy.’

  ‘No!’ I pulled my hand away abruptly.

  ‘Yes, darling. Think about it. They’re about to issue a photo of you and Billy to the media. As long as we have Billy with us the whole country will be on the lookout. You have me. Let Kathy have Billy.’

  He took my hand back and started to stroke it. I said nothing.

  ‘My love,’ he said. ‘I’m going to look after you now.’

  ‘You never guessed that I was ill?’

  ‘No. You looked very white the last time I saw you. You said you’d had flu.’

  ‘Not flu; I was having a bad gravity day. I have good days and bad days, Markus. Though I seem to be having more bad days recently... Will you make me some green tea? There are teabags in the kitchen.’

  He came back with the tea for me.

  ‘I’m going to change Billy’s nappy’ he said.

  ‘Everything is upstairs in the bathroom,’ I said.

  He left the room with Billy and I thought about what he had said. They would be looking for us and as I had found out over the last few days, having a baby with you changes everything. There is no time for anything else but the baby’s needs.

  When he came back downstairs I agreed that he should take Billy back to her. Markus said he would drive back at once. He had to. Time was running out. I insisted on going in the car with him. I did not want to be on my own. So he carried Billy to the car and then he helped me into the passenger seat and we
set off.

  Kathy

  OCTOBER

  When I got home I found a letter from Hector lying on the hall table with the rest of our mail, so he must have heard about Billy being kidnapped. I stood in the hall and opened his letter right away and read it through. It was so sensitively written and offered no false reassurances. He wrote that he was thinking of me a lot, that I should call him any time if I needed someone to talk to, and he signed it From your friend and fellow veteran, which I found touching. He was referring back to our lunch, of course, and I remembered how easy I always found him to talk to. He was a genuinely kind man: that was clear from the day he helped the old man on the boat and now he had taken the time to write to me and offer support.

  I took the lift to our floor and opened the door into our silent flat. Markus was still out and I felt the absence of my Billy so acutely. I cannot bear to go into his room at the moment because his empty cot feels like a reproach to me, a reproach that I did not protect him. I had to tell Markus that the photographs of Billy and Heja are not being used today. He will be relieved to hear that. I called his mobile again and it went straight to voice-mail, as it had done all day. He does not want to talk to me. So I left a message about the latest developments and asked him to please come back to the flat. I told him I was scared and I needed him to be there.

  When he gets here I will have to tell him what Robert said about her. I can’t tell him that Heja is dying over the phone. It has to be face to face for that.

  I called Jennie and told her what was happening too. She said, ‘Let me come up and be with you, darling.’

  And I said, ‘Yes, please come, I’m so afraid she’ll hurt him.’

  And then at last I called my mum and dad and told them everything. It was an awful, painful phone call and my mum was crying so hard and my dad was being calm and strong. He said they would get the next flight over.

  I lay on my side in our bedroom and stared at the digital clock, watching the numbers change, working out exactly how the numbers changed one into the other. Each number was made up of straight lines. Number one was made up of two short lines. The zero was made up of six, two on either side, one at the top and one at the bottom. The number eight had the most lines. It was made up of seven lines, like the zero, with a line across the middle. How many more minutes and hours did I have to live through without Billy? I was freezing and too exhausted to even get under the covers.

  After many hours, I don’t know how many, I heard a key in the door. That will be Markus, I thought. I couldn’t make myself move. I felt so cold and without an ounce of energy.

  ‘Kathy!’ he called out.

  I got up wearily and opened the bedroom door and Markus was standing there in front of me with Billy. He held Billy out to me. Billy was in my arms again and it was the most joyful moment of my life, an even greater joy than the moment of his birth.

  I hugged him, smelled him and kissed him. I was crying and laughing and kissing my baby again and again.

  ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you... Where did you find him? How did you find him?’

  We walked into the kitchen together.

  ‘I was able to track Heja down. And I know why she did it too.’

  He looked at me and said quietly, ‘She’s very ill. She’s dying.’

  So he knows. I said nothing. I had Billy and I was just kissing him and smelling his head and his smell was like a wonderful drug I couldn’t get enough of.

  ‘Tell me everything, first I have to change him.’

  I went into Billy’s room and took off his Babygro and kissed his fat little stomach and he laughed in delight. What a joy it was to be changing his nappy again.

  ‘Jennie’s on her way here,’ I called out.

  Markus had gone into our bedroom and I heard him opening some drawers. I got Billy changed into a new nappy and a Babygro. I couldn’t stop kissing him. I wanted to feast on his skin and on his presence.

  ‘I’ll never leave you again, my darling boy,’ I said to him, picking him up and resting him on my hip. He seemed unharmed, just happy to be with his mum. Markus had gone into the bathroom now.

  ‘I must call Mum and Dad at once. They’re on their way here. And Nick, of course...’

  ‘No, Kathy.’

  He came out of the bathroom with his wash bag.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Don’t call Nick just yet, please.’

  ‘Why not? What’s happening?’

  He went back into our bedroom and I followed him in there with Billy. I saw him put his wash bag into a holdall and then his drawing pad.

  ‘What’s in that bag?’

  ‘I have to go away.’

  ‘You’re going?’

  He zipped his holdall closed and it dawned on me. ‘You’re going to her, aren’t you?’

  ‘I have to go now.’

  ‘You’re going to Heja. She stole our baby and you’re going to her now.’

  He picked up his holdall and walked towards me. I wanted to hit him, scratch him, hurt him. I was holding Billy so I just screamed at him.

  ‘How can you? She’s a monster!’

  ‘Look after Billy. He’s safe and that’s all that matters,’ he said.

  He moved forward and tried to kiss Billy then. I pulled away from him.

  ‘Get away from us. You’re not fit to go near Billy.’

  He gave me the saddest look and he left the flat with his bag.

  Heja

  OCTOBER

  I sat in the car and waited for him. I could have worried that he would stay with her and call the police, yet I had no fear at all that he would not return to me. The streetlamps were on and the road was quiet, with the odd swish of a car passing. I rested my head against the car window. I felt spent.

  He came out of the apartment block, his face set. He slung his bag on the back seat, got in next to me and turned the engine on.

  ‘You’re angry with me,’ I said.

  He did not reply. He just looked straight ahead as he drove us out of London. Finally, after he turned onto the motorway and was in the fast lane, he said, ‘How long did you rent the house for?’

  ‘For October and November.’

  ‘Did you intend to stay there?’

  ‘I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I needed you to come back to me, Markus.’

  ‘We have to move fast. They’ll be on our trail once Nick has my car registration number.’

  ‘Who is Nick?’

  ‘He’s the detective on the case. You committed a crime, Heja, and they’re after you.’

  Then he told me that the police had tracked down the number plate of the hired Volvo. It would not be long before they found the Volvo sitting in that car park in Deal station. They would assume we were in Kent then and would start asking around. It would not take them long to track us down, he thought. Someone would have spotted me over the last few days. He was angry with me, but I also knew that he was thinking hard about what we should do next. I knew he would do everything in his power to stop the police arresting me. He has always had a deep antipathy to the police.

  Finally we turned into the rutted road that led to the cottage.

  ‘You certainly chose a secluded spot,’ he said.

  Then we were in the cottage and it was just the two of us alone together at last. We stood there in the small hall and looked at each other, and I said, ‘Thank you.’

  I went to turn the heating up. Markus looked in the fridge and took out some eggs. He looked in the cupboard.

  ‘No pepper and no coffee! I’ll have to get us some proper supplies tomorrow.’

  He beat the eggs and cooked us an omelette. It was as if we had reverted to an earlier way of being together. Few words were spoken. After we had eaten we went into the little sitting room and he pulled the curtains closed and sat down. I went over to him and sat on his lap and put my arms around his neck.

  ‘I’m going to have to fatten you up. You weigh nothing,’ he said.

>   ‘I was so frightened that first time you saw me again. I thought you would see that I was ill.’

  ‘You looked good to me.’

  ‘I’ve spent years presenting myself to the world as if I was fine.’

  ‘And no one knows? You didn’t tell your father or Robert?’

  ‘I would never tell Robert and my father has suffered enough.’

  ‘He would want to help you, Heja.’

  ‘He’s not well, Markus. He has a heart condition.’

  ‘I always liked your father very much. He said to me once that you hadn’t had it easy and I was to look after you.’

  We kissed then and I said I wanted to go to bed. I wanted him again after all the wasted years.

  We lay in our naked embrace. His body has thickened a bit. His smell is the same. He said nothing although I know he noticed how thin I have become. As he stroked my back slowly it was as if he was counting the bones of my spine one by one. When I turned round to face him my hip bones jutted against his groin. He seemed scared that he would hurt me if he penetrated me. I wanted him inside me again. Afterwards I rested with my head on his shoulder.

  ‘If only I could have had our baby,’ I said.

  ‘If only...’

  ‘Sorry I let you down.’

  ‘You didn’t let me down!’ He said it vehemently. ‘You had no choice.’

  ‘No choice at all. I’m the last of the Vanheinens. It ends with me.’

  The next morning when I woke up a sea mist lay thickly over everything. I saw Markus standing at the cottage window and you could hardly see the trees at the edge of the field. I felt weak and shivery and didn’t feel like getting out of bed.

  ‘We can’t travel anywhere today, Markus, I feel too shaky. I need to rest.’

  ‘I’ll make you some tea.’

  I heard him use his phone once to call his work and explain that he had to be away for a while. His voice was tense and it seemed that someone on the other end was pushing for more information as Markus said, ‘I will call again when I can, I have to go now.’ Then he came back into the bedroom, bringing me a cup of green tea.