Baby's Breath (Garden of Love 2)

by Melanie Wilber

  Arriving at the hospital, Josie took the stairs to the second floor, walked down the long corridor beyond the nursery, and stepped into the nurses’ lounge. Gina and Sandie sat at the table, drinking coffee and eating some pastries someone had brought to share.

  “Want one?” Gina asked. “There’s a cinnamon roll here.”

  “I think I’ll pass,” she replied, still feeling full from dinner.

  “They might be gone later,” Sandie said. “Better hide one.”

  Josie took a jelly donut from the box and wrapped it in a napkin. She put her sandwich into the refrigerator and set the tasty treat along with her apple on the metal shelf in her locker.

  She fastened her I.D. badge to her front pocket and looped her stethoscope around her neck. Reaching for her white shoes, she sat down to put them on. The door opened and Dr. Jacobs scanned the room.

  “Do you have a minute, Josie?”

  “Sure thing.” She tied her shoelaces and closed her locker, then followed him into the hall and walked beside him toward the nurses’ station.

  “What are you doing here this late?” she asked. “I thought your daughter’s first volleyball game was tonight.”

  “It is,” he replied, rubbing the back of his graying hair. “I told my wife I’d have to meet her there. One of my patients arrived a few minutes ago.”

  “What’s up?”

  “She’s fifteen.”

  Josie’s heart sank. Dr. Jacobs didn’t need to say anything else. She understood the difficulty involved with teen patients. She had cared for many in the last few years. The Westside Pregnancy Center referred women and girls in crisis situations to Dr. Jacobs. He offered free and low-cost services to those in need.

  “How close is she?” Josie asked, already knowing he wanted her to be at his young patient’s side. He had requested her on behalf of similar patients before, explaining she had a special way of encouraging their fragile spirits.

  “Three centimeters, but her contractions are consistent. She’s asking for medication.”

  “Is she keeping the baby?” Josie asked.

  “No.”

  “Are her parents here?”

  “A grandmother.”

  Josie’s heart went out to the young girl. She didn’t know her name yet or her story, but she knew one thing for sure: the fifteen-year-old was scared, and she needed her.

  “Okay,” Josie replied, taking a deep breath and mentally preparing herself for a long, emotional night. “Show me the way.”

  CHAPTER THREE

  The loud hissing of air brakes each time the bus came to a stop the following morning kept Josie awake on the ride home. It had indeed been a long night. The young girl had groaned her way through ten hours of labor and an hour of pushing before delivering a healthy seven-pound boy.

  The counselor Tessa had been seeing at the pregnancy center came shortly after Josie’s shift began. Between the grandmother, Cheryl, and herself, they had never left Tessa alone. Josie felt she had done all she could, teaching the young girl to breathe through the contractions and stay focused and relaxed. Pushing was the most difficult stage. Tessa wanted to give up several times, but Josie kept telling her she could do it and going through the motions with her.

  Tessa had chosen an open adoption and the prospective parents waited in the family waiting area down the hall, receiving updates periodically and hearing the happy news at six a.m. Josie knew the young girl was likely doing the right thing for herself and the baby, but her heart went out to her.

  Josie only had one other patient to look after the whole night, a woman recovering from a c-section, but she still felt exhausted. She had forgotten about the jelly donut she had saved and held it in her lap uneaten on the ride home. All she wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep for ten hours.

  She walked from the bus stop to her building, picked up Tommy from Mrs. Ramsey’s, and walked with him to the corner where they waited for the yellow school bus to arrive. Retreating to her apartment and the inviting comfort of her bed, she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

  When she awoke in the afternoon to the sound of a Beach Boys’ song blaring from her radio, she felt better but knew she could easily sleep several more hours. Fortunately, since she didn’t have to work tonight, she could go to bed early. Until then, she intended to enjoy another afternoon with Tommy and a nice evening. As tough as twelve-hour shifts were, the extra days off they provided made up for them.

  She showered and dressed for another warm and sunny afternoon. Wearing her red tank top and denim shorts, with her hair flowing freely about her bare shoulders, she met Tommy at the bus stop. They spent an enjoyable afternoon together at the park. Tommy rode his bike on the footpath, and Josie walked and jogged alongside him.

  After dinner they made a trip to the convenience store down the block and bought a few items, including some ice cream. They returned to their building, entered the well-lit lobby, and headed toward the elevator. Josie heard the door from the parking garage open and close behind them. Tommy looked over his shoulder.

  “Mommy, that’s our new neighbor,” he whispered.

  Tommy dashed ahead to push the up arrow, and Josie turned toward the approaching footsteps, confirming Tommy’s words. Her neighbor smiled, and she returned the silent greeting. She noticed his similar business attire from the previous morning, but his tie had been removed, and the top button of his shirt was undone. He looked tired.

  “Hi,” she said, vowing to find out his name this time.

  “Hello, Josie,” he replied, giving her a pleasant smile.

  She noticed he said her name as she preferred, with a soft “s” sound rather than a grating “z” in the middle.

  “This is my son, Tommy,” she said, looking away and pulling him to her side. “Tommy, this is--”

  “How tall are you?” Tommy asked, interrupting her attempt to get him to divulge his name.

  “Six feet three inches,” he answered without hesitation, kneeling down to meet Tommy at eye level. “How tall are you?”

  Tommy shrugged and looked up at her. Their neighbor raised his gentle brown eyes, meeting hers and leaving her tongue-tied. Her mind went a complete blank.

  “Forty-eight inches the last time we measured,” she finally replied, wondering how long she had delayed her response and why her tongue felt like rubber.

  The elevator doors opened, and a well-dressed couple strolled past them. The scent of heavy perfume broke Josie out of her stupor. After the three of them stepped on board, Josie pressed the button for the fourth floor and reminded herself to breathe.

  “Forty-eight inches, let’s see, that’s four feet,” their neighbor continued, leaning against the back wall. “Only two more to go and you’ll be up with me. Are you playing basketball yet?”

  “No. I play soccer.”

  “Yeah?” he said, sounding genuinely interested. “What position?”

  “Mmmm...All of them, except goalie. I like running and kicking,” he demonstrated. Josie watched as Tommy lost his balance and stumbled into their neighbor’s long legs. She reached out to pull Tommy back toward her, an apology on the tip of her tongue, but her neighbor’s large hands caught him first.

  “Whoa! You better save that for the games.” He laughed, bringing out his full smile. “You must take after your mom.”

  She looked up and saw the glimmer in his eye. She knew he was teasing her about their own close encounter yesterday morning. Smelling a hint of his pleasing cologne, she stepped back to her side of the cubicle and took another deep breath.

  The elevator reached the fourth floor, and they walked down the corridor with Tommy talking about his latest soccer game when he had scored three goals. Their neighbor stopped at his door and pulled his keys from his pocket. “I’ll have to come watch you play sometime.”

  “When is my next game, Mommy?”

  Feeling scared and thrilled at the same time by his interest, Josie didn’t know how to respond. Maybe his mot
ives were sincere, or maybe he was only trying to impress her by being nice to her son.

  “We’ll have to check the schedule,” she said, although she knew very well he had a game this Sunday.

  They both seemed satisfied with her answer.

  “Nice seeing you again, Josie,” he said. “Nice to meet you, Tommy,” he added, reaching out to shake his hand. “Let me know about that game.”

  “Okay,” Tommy said. “Come on, Mommy. Let’s go see right now!”

  “We’ll let you know,” she said politely before turning to follow Tommy to their door.

  Once inside she tried to divert Tommy’s train of thought. “I think it’s time for ice cream.”

  “I’ll get the bowls,” Tommy responded, dashing into the kitchen and climbing onto the counter. As soon he retrieved them, he got down and headed straight for the calendar.

  “My game is on Sunday. Can I go tell him?”

  Josie didn’t know what to do about this surprising turn of events. Tommy was not a boy who asked for much and denying him something he sounded this excited about made her decision more difficult. Still, she needed to be cautious. I don’t know anything about this guy. Not even his name.

  “We will see him again soon. You can tell him then,” she said, feeling relieved when Tommy shrugged instead of arguing.

  When they finished eating their dessert, Tommy pulled out a new book from his backpack, and Josie helped him with reading it, realizing he already knew many of the words. They spent the rest of the evening playing some video games together before she had him take a bath and get ready for bed.

  She made the most of tucking Tommy in for the night since she couldn’t do it all the time, reading him several bedtime stories and listening to his prayers.

  “Good night, sweetheart,” she said, tucking his soccer ball comforter around his shoulders and kissing him on the forehead.

  “Mommy?” he said, before she had a chance to rise from the bed.

  “Yes?”

  “Where is my daddy?”

  Josie’s heart sank and a numb feeling swept through her. Oh, boy. Why do things like this always jump out of the blue?

  “What makes you ask that?”

  “Mrs. Foster had us stand in front of the class and tell about our families. Most of the kids said they have a mommy and a daddy, even if they don’t live with both of them at the same time. How come I don’t?”

  His words opened old wounds, and she knew her response would open them further, but Tommy needed an answer. She could not count the number of times she had wondered when he would ask this question and how she would respond. The words she had rehearsed many times seemed to have vanished.

  Pushing his honey-colored bangs away from his warm forehead, she took a deep breath and began, unsure of what would spill out.

  “Most mommies and daddies get married and then after a while they have a baby. But your daddy and I did things backwards. We had a baby before we got married.”

  “Me?”

  “Yes,” she replied. “But before you were born, your daddy decided he didn’t want to get married, and he went away to school instead.” She avoided the words he left us.

  “Will he come to live with us when he’s not going to school no more?”

  Fighting back the tears, she stroked his bare arm lying above the blankets and shook her head. “No, honey. He won’t.”

  Tommy looked crestfallen. “How come?”

  She didn’t know how to answer that. “I know you wish he lived here with us or that you could see him sometimes, but things don’t always happen the way we want them to.”

  Oh, boy. I sound like my mother when she told us about her and Dad getting divorced. Come on Josie, think. What does he need to hear?

  “I know it’s hard to understand, honey, and I’m sorry he’s not here. But I don’t want you to ever think that Daddy doesn’t live here because you did something wrong. Mommy and Daddy made mistakes, not you, okay?”

  Tommy nodded and rubbed his eyes.

  “I love you, honey,” she said, giving him a kiss on his forehead. “I will always be here.”

  “I love you, Mommy.” He hugged her around the neck, and she buried her face in his hair, drinking in the smell of baby shampoo. His sweet words and tight embrace eased the pain in her heart, but more than anything she wished she could give him a real daddy, not an absent one.

  “Good night, sweetheart,” she said, tucking his comforter around him once again and rising from the bed.

  “Night, Mommy.”

  She had planned to go to bed herself, but stepping from the room, she felt like staying up. At times like this she wished she had someone she could talk to. She thought about calling Faith. Her brother’s wife had been a very good friend ever since she had lived with them during her pregnancy and the three years following. But she didn’t want to bother her this late in the evening. Maybe she would call her tomorrow.

  She dismissed the other person she would feel comfortable talking with. Lily had become a good friend in the last few years, but Lily had gotten married less than two weeks ago, to Mark’s brother, no less. She and Mark had set them up on a blind date and things had turned out better than anyone ever expected. She smiled thinking of her friend’s happiness. Lily and Peter would be back from their honeymoon by now, but she didn’t want to disturb them with her problems.

  Mark had been the most promising guy she had dated in the last seven years. They had so much in common, and he had treated her and Tommy well. She’d met him at the hospital. A mild-mannered, charming resident, he had convinced her to break her vow to never date a doctor. But after nearly a year of enjoying his companionship and allowing herself to think he may be the one she had been waiting for, she had told him no when he had proposed to her last month.

  He was moving to California to join his dad in his family practice there, and he asked her to go with him, but she hadn’t been able to tell him yes. Despite their pleasant relationship and all of Mark’s positive qualities, she didn’t love him enough to marry him and she knew it.

  Attempting to divert her troubled thoughts, she cleaned up the apartment, put the dishes away, and started a load of laundry. She felt like vacuuming but knew the noisy chore would have to wait until tomorrow. Putting in a movie instead, she stretched out on the couch, fluffing and positioning the extra pillows until she felt comfortable. Although she had chosen one of her favorites, she had a difficult time enjoying the story this time. Her mind kept wandering and wondering if she had done a good job of answering Tommy’s question. Had she said too much? Too little?

  When the movie ended, she barely noticed. The room felt stuffy, and she crossed the room to open the patio door and a window, then went to the kitchen and took a bottle of iced tea from the refrigerator. Stepping out onto her balcony overlooking the darkened Willamette River, she breathed in the refreshing air. Now that the coolness of the evening had come, she watered her geraniums hanging over the railing and the assorted flowers in clay pots on the plant stand in the corner. Sitting down on one of two chairs of her small patio set that barely fit in the outdoor space, she gazed across the horizon to the full yellow moon rising over Mount Hood in the east.

  Her thoughts returned to her bedtime conversation with Tommy. The image of his sad eyes haunted her. It wasn’t right for him to live without a father, no matter who was to blame, and tears welled up in her eyes. She wished that things could be different for him--and for herself. Most of the time her work schedule and caring for Tommy kept her too busy to succumb to the loneliness she had buried deep inside. But tonight the pain couldn’t be ignored.

  She had tried to escape her aching heart with housework and a movie but had only delayed the inevitable, and hot tears began streaming down her cool cheeks. They were partly for Mark, even though she felt she had made the right decision about not accepting his marriage proposal. She did miss him. He had been a good friend. The tears hadn’t come on the night she told him good-bye, or in the
days that followed. But tonight they did.

  She knew they weren’t so much about Mark. Most of her pain came from her thoughts concerning Tommy’s welfare. He needed a father, and she couldn’t help but wonder if she had made a mistake in letting Mark go. And like many times over the last six years, she also wondered if she had done the right thing by keeping her baby rather than placing him in a two-parent home. She had thought so at the time, and she couldn’t imagine her life without Tommy now, but what if she was wrong? What if that had been one more mistake? Her self-doubt and the pain of losing Tommy’s father returned in full force, bringing more tears and a deep pain to her heart.

  Kent had said he loved her. She had given him everything, but he had walked out of her life as if she had meant nothing to him. Trusting others had not come easy ever since. Even Mark, as sweet as he had been, had a difficult time breaking down the protective wall she had built around herself.

  Josie turned her tears into a silent plea to God. Believing in a God that had created her and loved her wasn’t easy right now, but what else could she do? Without hope, she had nothing. At times the reality of how costly her mistakes had been made her feel like such a failure. How could she ever expect God to listen to her or bless her? But she had to believe He would, and once again she had to pour her heart out to Him.

  Why does my life seem so good and in perfect order one day, and so messed up and wrong the next? Why did I feel so confident about my decision to let Mark go two weeks ago? Was that right, or did I make the biggest mistake of my life?

  I want someone to share my life with, someone to laugh with, someone to cry with, someone to love and be loved by. I hope letting Mark go wasn’t a mistake, but I know I want to marry someone I love with my whole heart, someone that loves me that much in return, and someone that will love Tommy as if he were his own. Is that too much to ask?

  She gazed up at the faint stars. Many of them were washed out by the lights of Portland and the rising moon, but the brightest ones reached her. And some familiar words seemed to come from the cool black expanse above her, not in an audible voice she could hear, but whispered straight into her heart.