The Guns of Two-Space

by Dave Grossman

  Asquith whispered, "Places like this don't really exist, do they? It's so thick with clichés you could cut it with a knife and serve it on a plate! It looks like every bounty hunter, bushwhacker, cutthroat, cheat, scoundrel, scalawag, scene stealer, and plagiarist in the sector is here."

  "Ah, then you'll be right at home on several counts, eh?" replied Fielder with a grin.

  "Doesn't anyone in here have a job or something to do besides sit around and drink?" continued Asquith.

  "Well," replied Fielder, "Looking at the number of less than reputable types mixed with the more respectible citizens, we seem to have stumbled onto a lovely cross-section of Lowball lowlifes. And some of those 'less reputable' lovelies are just my type! Ahh! This is what I joined up for. The opportunity to travel to erotic places."

  "Don't you mean exotic, Daniel?" Asquith replied curiously.

  "Look, Bert, you want to travel to exotic places, you feel free. To each his own."

  Asquith's brows furrowed as he considered this, and replied, "Dammit, Daniel, this is not funny. Some of these people look pretty dangerous!"

  Young Hayl chimed in, "Is there something to be scared of here?"

  "Yep. Us," said Melville with a happy smile. He felt like he should be preventing some of his crew's over-the-top behavior, but whatdahell, it had been a long tedious trip and they were all ready to blow off a little steam.

  Asquith snorted. "And next you'll be telling us that they're all just a lot of misunderstood children, and we should be patient with them and their provincial mannerisms."

  "Well, Bert," replied Fielder, "I wouldn't go quite that far, but if we are here for just a nice drink or two, we probably should practice a bit of understanding. The alternative could prove to be exciting, and unpleasant!"

  "Damned writers always gots ta babble 'bout everthin' don't they?" Broadax snorted as she tugged Hans over to a booth in a corner. She looked at the two men occupying a table built for many more, chomping on her cigar as she ran a considering hand up the thick, hardwood haft of the ax she still held in her hand.

  "Yew boys always take up more room 'an ye kin use?" she said, gesturing casually with the ax. "Mind movin' over a bit so's a few friends an' us kin join ye?" Broadax smiled—not that it was easy to tell that's what it was through the mass of hair and gristle that made up her face. Meanwhile, once again, her monkey pulled out its belaying pin and started tossing it from hand to hand.

  The two men looked at each other, then looked at Broadax and Hans, squinting at the two monkeys. The older one replied as he fastened his hand in his companions cravat and yanked him clear, "Do ye ken, we'uns had jest finished up fer th' aft'noon an' were thinkin' it might oughta be time fer us ta be headin' on back ta' work?"

  "What 'n hell ya' talkin' 'bout Jack, what work?" came faintly from the departing backs of the two men.

  Broadax replied to their rapidly moving backs, "Boys, I didn't mean fer ye to git all... damn." She looked after them, shrugged, and said to Hans quietly, "Sweetie, do ye think I scared 'em aways or sumpin'? I wus jist thinkin' they might share a bit o' th' table."

  Lady Elphinstone had come close enough to overhear and replied, "Nay, gallant lieutenant, methinkst 'twas perhaps thy feminine ways that didst overcome their churlishness at holding such a fine table from our fair officers and gentlemen."

  Hans' eyes crossed as he tried to avoid smiling or even worse, chuckling as Broadax cogitated upon this statement.

  "Ohh, I gets ye. Guess they jist ain't used to seein' high class wimmen aroun' this joint!" she concluded.

  The Fangs all flipped off their rain gear and seated themselves around the table, shifting and jockeying to prevent their backs from being turned toward the room.

  Midshipman Hayl leaned over to Brother Theo and asked quietly, "Brother, I thought those guys were just scared? Or were they being polite?"

  Brother Theo looked over at him affectionately. "Well, young Cockroach," he whispered, "you have to remember that the capacity for self-deception is almost limitless. And since Lt. Broadax is in her own way a gentle, sweet Dwarrowdelf lass, she can't help it if she believes everyone else sees her the same way!"

  Hayl looked over at him. "Okay, I got it. They were scared!"

  After the first three or six rounds the clientele seemed to accept them in their midst. First impressions might actually have been wrong, since in this case the tavern actually did a fair business for the theater and show crowd, especially in the afternoon while there was still daylight outside. Granted, it also seemed to have a fair component of rogues, pimps, prostitutes, the occasional policeman, mercenaries, bodyguards, and other less definable types, but all in all it had a nice neighborhood type of feel, at least if your neighborhood was located in one of the suburbs of outer hell.

  "Daniel? Danny-boy, is that you?" came a call from a lady who had just entered, gliding toward their table. She was a tall, willowy redhead dressed as if she had just come from the theater. She looked like someone had poured her into her gown and then forgot to say "whoa!" If it was any more low cut she'd have been barefoot. The only thing that kept her from being arrested for public indecency was a red, livefox stole draped over her generous and otherwise well displayed décolletage.

  Fielder stood up quickly as he pulled her name from his mental files. "Ursula! Ursula Smithstone-Haugh! Whatever are you doing here?" he said warmly as he crossed over and lifted her hand to his mouth for a warm kiss accompanied by a slow inventory from her heels to her hairdo.

  "Daniel, what a lovely surprise! I didn't realize you were on Show Low. How wonderful! Ever since Bernie died I have just been gadding about and stopping off wherever the Ships do, and I had just about given up on anything ever happening here! Is your Ship here for a while? Do you have some time? I have so many things I could show you about this town! Lovely parties, and theaters, and other things..."

  Fielder laughed deep in his chest as their eyes met. "First, if I might introduce you to my wardroom? This is Captain Melville of the Fang, whose first lieutenant I have the honor to be, and then next to him..."

  Ursula broke in quickly, "The Captain Melville of the book? The man everyone is talking about! How exciting! Why, Daniel, how wonderful! How ever did you hire him to work for you?"

  Brother Theo quickly brought his hand up to cover his smiling mouth. Broadax wasn't quite so lucky, as she had been drinking deeply from her lager when Ursula made this surprising interpretation of the facts. Her subsequent spray of beer through the nostrils, followed by copious choking and gasping sounds provided a needed distraction while Fielder recovered. Melville, on the other hand, remained calm and distinctly amused as he watched his first lieutenant figure out how to deal with this remarkable woman.

  "Ahh, Ursula, what a lovely thought. But, no, the Navy is a bit more formal than that, and I have the honor of actually working for him. You know how tiresome Navy protocol is. And, indeed, I must admit I have found it to be quite amusing and instructive watching Captain Melville deal with the cards fate has dealt us."

  "Whatever, Daniel. I was going to go to that boring vaudeville show, but since you are here, I have a much better idea to while away the hours." She leaned close to him, apparently whispering in his ear, although Melville had to wonder how much whispering could be done with a tongue planted so deeply into that selfsame ear!

  "Why, Ursula, that sounds like an admirable plan," replied a very flushed Fielder as beads of sweat appeared at his hairline.

  "Daniel, your hairy friend is looking at me," she whispered a bit louder, just enough so the table could hear.

  "The monkey? He's harmless, my dear. Just ignore him." Fielder pulled away to see his monkey stretching its neck out so its upside-down face was eye-to-eye with Ursula.

  "I can't! Daniel, maybe you could let him stay here for a bit? Pretty, pretty please?" and she leaned in and nibbled at his ear, while giving a poisonous glance at the monkey.

  The little creature stuck its tongue out and scampered to Fielder's
other shoulder.

  Fielder looked at her moist lips and sultry eyes, and then over to his monkey, who was determinedly looking away, two sets of arms crossed, the picture of high dudgeon and offended feelings!

  "Maybe this time I'd better try it alone, little guy," he whispered. The monkey eeped in offense, glared at her, jumped down to the table and leapt over to join Lady Elphinstone's monkey. Both monkeys now directed offended glares toward the oblivious couple.

  "Captain, ladies and gentlemen, if you will excuse me, Mrs. Smithstone-Haugh has a few points of interest she would like to share, I mean, show me, here in Lowball." And with that, he and Ursula left the tavern with unseemly haste.

  * * *

  She can kill with a smile,

  she can wound with her eyes.

  She can ruin your faith

  with her casual lies,

  And she only reveals

  what she wants you to see.

  She hides like a child,

  but she's always a woman to me.

  * * *

  "Do you know," mused Melville, "I'm not quite sure if I just witnessed the fastest seduction on record, or a mutual kidnapping?"

  Lady Elphinstone cocked her head and considered momentarily. "Well, Captain. I think 'twould be best described as a scientific demonstration. 'Twas a wondrous manifestation of the physiological fact that Lt. Fielder's body hath contained within it only sufficient blood for operation of one major organ at a time. In this case, 'tis apparent that all the blood hath rushed south and abandoned his brain, so that it might operate other parts of his body! And I do believe that his monkey is quite offended!"

  The monkey added an emphatic "Eek!" and glared at the door.

  Hayl gaped at her. "Huh? What does that mean?" he asked.

  Broadax snickered loudly as she lit another cigar. She took a puff and then gaped momentarily as it disappeared, and glared up at her monkey, who was cheerfully puffing the vile root into an atmospheric atrocity. She snarled halfheartedly as she started lighting another one and said, "Le'me make it real simple fer ye, boy. Wot she said is that our first officer only got's enough blood to run 'is gonads or 'is gray matter. So 'e's either gonna be thinkin', or runnin' after wenches. 'E can't dew both!"

  "An' I think he's gonna be playin' make-up ta 'is monkey when 'e gits back," added Hans.

  The monkeys all seemed to be in general agreement on that one, glaring at the door and muttering quietly amongst themselves.

  Broadax snickered. "Hey, Hansie, ya know dis place gots rooms upstairs... Wanna go check 'em out?"

  Melville reflected that at times, ignorance (or at least a strained sort of intentional blindness and deafness) could be a blessing. And why is Hans tossing those handcuffs in the air and catching them? I really, really don't want to know...

  * * *

  She can lead you to live,

  she can take you or leave you.

  She can ask for the truth,

  but she'll never believe you.

  And she'll take what you give her

  as long as it's free!

  She steals like a thief,

  but she's always a woman to me.

  * * *

  While the open hansom cab provided protection from the rain and a wonderful view of the city in the early afternoon, Fielder and Ursula were both somewhat distracted by her continual small inroads on his trouser fastenings, while all of Fielder's approaches were persistently thwarted by subtle sinuous movements of her livefox stole. Somehow, they arrived at her hotel and her room, but Fielder didn't notice the process, only the final result, as they stood locked in an embrace.

  "My, oh, my, you still taste good, Daniel," she whispered as she let her livefox drop to the floor, fully exposing her ample and admirable anatomy for the first time, as her stole slithered off to its nest in her steamer trunk.

  "Oh, my, my, my," gasped Fielder. "Hello-o-o, girls! Did you miss me?" Ursula began to work on his shirt buttons, slapping his hands playfully away as he started to assist her, and then again whenever he reached toward her.

  "Quit that, you naughty boy. I get to unwrap my candy first, and then you can unwrap me—after I teach you that you were such a naughty boy for running out on me last time."

  Fielder groaned as she pushed him back onto the bed so she could pull his pants and boots off. The feather mattress engulfed him like a warm snowdrift. "Well, what in heaven's name did you expect me to do, Ursula? Bernie was coming up the steps, and I either had to go out the other door or shoot him, and it's such bad manners to shoot a man when you've borrowed his wife!"

  Ursula t'sked, "Well, it would have saved me the trouble of shooting him myself. I mean, he was actually complaining about all the money I was spending! It's not like he was using it or anything! Oh, that's what that was! Do you still insist on carrying weapons with you everywhere, Daniel?"

  "Well of course I'm carrying weapons. I'm dressed, aren't I?"

  "Well, we can fix that! Why do you men have to carry those big lumpy pistols? It just ruins the lay of your suits! Well, you won't be needing these right now, will you?" she giggled throatily, as she gathered up all his clothes and deposited them neatly on a chair with his sword, pistol, and boots laid on top.

  Fielder looked up at her as he lolled naked on the bed. Memories of their past experiences came back to him as he feasted his eyes upon her. Seldom had he met a woman so everlastingly eager beforehand and so inexhaustibly energetic in the event. "Come here, Ursula, it's not fair you get all the fun. My turn to undress you now!"

  Ursula giggled again, as she moved closer. "Now, Daniel, not just yet. We have a couple of things to sort out first." She reached into her handbag and pulled out a small derringer, which had a remarkably large bore. "Say hello to my little friend, Daniel," she said sweetly.

  Fielder's normally very strong paranoia, which had been defeated by a lack of proper blood supply to the brain, suddenly came roaring back, as the gallant reaction to a beautiful woman decided to go hide in a cave. The combination of lack of clothes, lack of weapons, and a very beautiful woman pointing an undoubtedly lethal pistol at him suddenly conspired to make him feel extremely naked. In multiple senses of the word!

  "Now, Ursula, what's a little girl like you doing with all this here pistol?" Fielder hazarded, as he tried to sit up a bit more. "If you fire that at me, you might hurt me! And maybe break your pretty little wrist as well."

  "Lay back down, Daniel, that's a good boy. You are such lovely eye candy! You silly boy, no, it won't break my wrist. It didn't hurt too much when I shot Bernie with it! And no, I don't intend to hurt you, my dear!"

  Fielder sighed and started to relax, very, very cautiously. Maybe this was just some kinky fun?

  "I promised to bring her a memento of you, but I just couldn't stand to hurt you, so I'll have to kill you first! Then I'll take her little souvenirs! You won't be needing them anymore." Ursula smiled at him sweetly.

  Fielder felt his "souvenirs" suddenly try and crawl back up through his stomach and hide behind his navel. Come to think of it, he'd sort of like to hide somewhere too. Suddenly this didn't seem like one of his better ideas. Maybe I should listen to Brother Theo a bit more, mused the last tiny corner of his mind that was still somewhat unpanicked.

  "Souvenirs, Ursula? I really don't like the sound of that!?" Fielder managed to say past lips and throat that had suddenly gone dry.

  "Well, Madelia said you were just a common gigolo, and she wanted you separated from the tools of your trade, dear." She grinned sweetly at him. "But I stood up for you. I told her that you were never common, dear."

  "Thanks—I think," Fielder replied faintly. Then he thought about what she had just said for a second.

  "Madelia?" Fielder asked, astonished. "You mean Lady Madelia? As in the Sylvan princess Madelia?"

  "Oh, yes, she's such a sweet lady. And you did so upset her, Daniel! Whatever did you do to her?"

  "Besides not sticking around for her to kill me? Or shooting her in the
derriere? I really can't think of a thing other than that!"

  "Oh, no!" she gasped, starting to chuckle. "You didn't? In the arse? No wonder she's so upset with you! You naughty, naughty boy! If she hadn't been so generous with me, I might just have to keep you myself, and spend some time punishing you the way I used to! Especially after the way you ran out on me, and made me kill Bernie myself. Do you know how long I had to work to set it up so that you would kill him? Ah, well, it all worked out anyway." She gave that throaty giggle of hers again. Somehow, the erotic effect was ruined by the muzzle of the derringer she kept trained upon his chest.

  "Well, I guess it's time to get on with business. I hate to bring in outsiders, but I'll need my bodyguard to come in and back me up for a second, dear. Just in case you decide to get uncooperative and end up needing more killing than my itty-bitty gun here, you know? But don't worry, I'm a pretty good shot, and if you hold still I promise it will be over quickly."

  * * *

  She will promise you more,

  than the Garden of Eden,

  Then she'll carelessly cut you,

  and laugh while you're bleedin'!

  But she'll bring out the best,

  And the worst you can be.

  Blame it all on yourself,

  'cause she's always a woman to me!

  * * *