by Marie Yates
First published by Lodestone Books, 2017
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Text copyright: Marie Yates 2016
ISBN: 978 1 78535 502 8
978 1 78535 503 5 (ebook)
Library of Congress Control Number: 2016939769
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One
It happened almost like I’d planned. I’d lived it so many times in my head that results day shouldn’t have been big deal. It really was a big deal. I hardly slept last night and this morning I was so nervous I couldn’t eat breakfast. That’s a pretty big sign that something isn’t right. My hungry hound, Reggie was pleased as he enjoyed my slice of toast. He didn’t care that it was results day; nothing gets in the way of his morning walk and today was no exception.
We were in the park earlier than usual and playing with every stick he could find meant that I had a happy distraction for an hour or so. Even though he’s a big dog, he is just as happy lying down with his stick as he is running around with it in his mouth. It keeps me occupied too, as trying to distract him with his other toys so that he doesn’t hurt himself is a constant work in progress. We got home and it still wasn’t even nearly time to leave. I was due to meet Maya, Callie and Katie at school and Mum had taken the day off work to drive me there. She was more nervous than I was this morning, and we were going to have a nice big breakfast but neither of us could face it. Mum had planned the whole day, it didn’t matter what the results were, we were going out for a celebratory lunch and intended to have a good time together. Can’t beat some enforced fun! I don’t think Mum expected much from my results. She has never said it aloud, but I think she’s just pleased I stayed in school and didn’t have a total meltdown. Anything else is a bonus.
We drove to school in silence. Mum was nervously tapping the steering wheel in time to the music on the radio, and it was frustrating me. It could have been worse, at least she wasn’t singing. Thankfully, Maya and Callie were waiting at the school gates, and as we got there, Katie and her Mum pulled up behind us in their car. ‘I love you and I’m really proud of you,’ was the last thing I heard as I slammed the car door and joined my friends to learn our fate.
When I had thought about this day, I couldn’t imagine opening the envelope. In my head, I would take it back to car and open it with Mum. In reality, I couldn’t open the envelope quickly enough and the four of us gathered in the corner of the sports hall to scream letters at each other.
‘I GOT A C IN MATHS,’ I screamed at the girls who’d joined me.
They all looked at me and went very quiet as Katie gently said, ‘Don’t worry, Dani, we’ll help with your re-takes, it’ll be okay.’
‘No, no, no…you don’t understand. I never have to do maths again. I got a ‘C’! I got six As and three Bs too. But I can’t believe I got a ‘C’ in maths.’
The relief showed immediately on their faces as they started screaming out their own letters. We’d all done well, especially Katie who had managed to get mostly A*s.
I was so excited for her as she worked really hard. We all did, but Katie had big dreams and this was a pretty clear sign that she was going to make them happen.
We calmed down and started to walk back to where Mum and Jenny, Katie’s mum, were impatiently waiting. They told me to do the same thing to Mum as I’d done to them and just tell her about the ‘C’ in maths. While Jenny burst into tears at the sight of all those A*s and Katie seized the opportunity to ask for a new phone, I excitedly told Mum that I’d got my ‘C’.
Without missing a beat, she hugged me and said, ‘That’s brilliant, darling, I know how much you hate maths and now you never have to do it again. So, what about all the subjects you do like?’
I handed over my results. She cried. She wasn’t as hysterical as Katie’s mum who by this point had agreed to the new phone and a party, but she was obviously pleased.
Above everything else, I felt relief. I had won. This time last year I was a wreck. I was terrified about starting the new school and I was concentrating on being able to call myself a survivor, not a victim. Things didn’t get any better when I started school. If someone had told me that after surviving rape I would be faced with a year of torture at the hands of school bullies, I wouldn’t have got out of bed.
I’d passed all of my exams. I walked into school with my head held high surrounded by my new friends and didn’t give the bullies a second thought. It wasn’t until Mum and I were sitting having lunch that she asked, ‘Have you seen any of the bullies lately?’
‘No, I didn’t see any of them,’ I replied. ‘I didn’t even think to look.’
In fact I’d been too busy concentrating on what mattered to me, and more than anything, I was hoping that I would never, ever, be forced to do maths again. It’s funny, even though I’m really pleased with my results, it’s the ‘C’ that has made me happiest of all. I have choices now. I need to decide about 6th Form and which subjects I want to do but thinking about it hurts my head.
I have taken Mum’s advice this evening and curled up on the sofa to watch a film. I have Reggie with me but he doesn’t want a cuddle as he’s a little bit distracted by the biscuits Mum bought me!
She couldn’t let me watch the film in peace though and just as it was getting exciting, Mum reached for a tissue. With leaking eyes and a breaking voice I heard her say, ‘Today’s been a good day. I’m proud of you. After everything that’s happened, today has proven that surviving is all about willpower. Even though there’ve been loads of times that I’m sure you wanted to give up, it’s been worth all the hard work.’ She patted my hand.
‘Yeah, I know, now shush and let me watch the film.’
Two
Happy Birthday to me! I feel like celebrating this year. My birthday was a real non-event last year with everything else that was going on. I couldn’t concentrate on anything other than getting away from the place where I had been raped, away from all my friends who couldn’t stop treading on eggshells around me and just starting again. When I look back at last summer I can’t believe how different I was. If it wasn’t for Reggie and starting taekwondo I’d probably be a complete mess now. If I let myself think about it for too long it all gets a bit scary. Today, once I get my arse out of bed, I’m going to celebrate. Mum said she’d take Reggie for his morning walk so that I can have a lie in and then she’s bringing me breakfast in bed. I haven’t heard them come back in yet so I’m just lying in bed, writing. Not a bad start to the day.
Being one of the youngest in my year really sucks, because now that it’s the summer holidays, everyone else has enjoyed their sixteenth and they’re counting down the days to their first driving lesson. They don’t really care that it’s my birthday. I checked my phone and had ‘Happy Birthday’ messages on Facebook. I’m not sure that really counts though because if it wasn’t for the Facebook update most of those
people wouldn’t even know it was my birthday. I know that I have cards from a couple of my old friends, which is nice, and even though Maya, Callie and Katie are all away, they dropped off presents and cards before they left. Mum has talked about us going on holiday but I only want to go somewhere where Reggie can come too so that has cut our options right down! She said that we could go and spend some time catching up with people where we used to live but the look on my face told her how I felt about that idea. She hasn’t mentioned it again. So, today I have a visit from my grandparents to get excited about. Lucky me!
‘Daniiiiiiiiii.’
I can smell bacon! Laters!
… Another birthday over and although it wasn’t nearly as bad as last year, it was a bit of non-event again. It was nice to get messages from people and when I read my cards, I felt a tiny bit tempted to agree to visit our old friends. It didn’t last long. I knew, in reality, it would just be awkward.
‘How’s Reggie?’ was the first question out of Grandpa’s mouth.
Grandma rolled her eyes and shouted, ‘Happy Birthday, darling.’
‘Yeah, thanks!’ As usual, the visit had started with pointless discussions.
‘The traffic was awful on the motorway and we had patches of drizzle in places,’ was Grandpa’s best attempt at small talk.
I wanted to shout ‘who cares?’, but managed to stop myself.
‘Stop talking about the weather and congratulate Dani on her results before you start playing with the dog,’ Grandma chipped in. But their only real focus was Reggie. I’m pretty sure he’s the only reason they came to visit.
We got rid of them after lunch but not before they’d spent at least an hour with Reggie in the garden. Mum and I were just sitting in the kitchen watching and they didn’t seem to notice. It was nice that they weren’t going on and on about how sad I must be, which is what they usually do, but I was still relieved when they’d gone.
Mum sighed as she shut the door behind them. ‘We should be able to get to Christmas without another visit now.’
‘Let’s hope so.’
We went back into the kitchen to find Reggie sound asleep in his bed. At least he’d enjoyed the visit! Mum disappeared into the cupboard under the stairs and came out with another present for me. That was a surprise as I’d already had so much. Money, clothes, iTunes vouchers and an amazing new phone. The really annoying thing about getting a new phone was that all I wanted to do was set it up but I had to leave it to charge before I could. Anyway, it was a big square present and before I could rip it open I had to listen to Mum’s little speech.
‘I’m so proud of you and how you’ve turned everything around in the last year. I know that it really hasn’t been easy but today’s a turning point for you. You’ve passed your exams, you have your whole future ahead of you and you can be anything you want to be,’ she gushed. ‘I’m one hundred per cent behind you and I hope this present inspires you as you start the next chapter in your life.’
As Mum’s eyes looked as though they were about to leak. I ripped open the present to find the most amazing picture I had ever seen. It was a silhouette of a girl on a beautiful beach at sunset doing a perfect taekwondo kick. It’s now hanging up on the wall in my bedroom so it’s the first thing I’ll see when I wake up. One day, that will be me. I’ve only been doing taekwondo for a year but my big goal is still to get my black belt.
As soon I put the picture up on my wall I had the urge to practice as I have another grading coming up soon. I then wished I hadn’t eaten quite so much at lunch time.
There hasn’t been a big party or loads of friends to spend the day with but it definitely hasn’t been the worst birthday I’ve ever had. I now have a whole year before I can start looking forward to my first driving lesson, and there’s that small issue of figuring out what I’m going to do next. Mum’s been really good about letting me wait for the results and then enjoying my birthday, but I know she won’t be able to keep quiet about it for much longer.
Three
Yeah, I spoke too soon. The first words out of Mum’s mouth this morning were, ‘It’s the middle of August now, Dani, so it’s time to start looking to the future and making some decisions.’
I tried not to roll my eyes as I replied, ‘I know, Mum, I’ve decided I definitely want tea and I’ll have cereal when I’m back from walking Reggie.’
Apparently, I’m not funny.
I thought that I might have a bit of time before having to answer a whole load of questions about my future, but when I got home from walking Reggie, Jane was already sitting in the kitchen with her notebook.
Jane, Mum’s best friend, was staying for a couple of days. The official reason was that she wanted to catch up with us both and enjoy some time walking the dog (she tolerates Reggie, at best). We all knew that she was going to use her skills as a psychologist to make sure that by the time she left to go home, I had the next year or so mapped out and a good idea of what I wanted to do in the future.
‘Do I at least get to open my birthday present before you start trying to work your mind magic on me,’ I said, before she had a chance to start on me.
‘Happy Birthday,’ she shrieked. ‘And I’m going to ignore that comment for now.’
Before the court case, Jane bought me a lovely bracelet with two charms that she had chosen. One is the letter ‘B’ which stands for the fact she believes in me 100 per cent and the other has red hearts on it, which is supposed to remind me that I’m loved, and red is the colour that represents courage.
I looked at the new charms. ‘Amazing! Thank you, thank you, thank you. These charms are perfect. I love them, but is that a Labrador?’
Jane grabbed it out of my hand and held it up in the air. ‘It looks like Reggie to me.’
‘Jane, it’s a Labrador but in your world, I guess that’s a pretty good likeness, even though Reggie is half Rottweiler and half German Shepherd.’
‘It’s a dog, it could have been worse as I nearly bought the cat charm.’
The other one is a pretty, green-coloured charm that represents optimism. As I opened it, Jane said, ‘With the strength you’ve shown this last year, there’s every reason to be optimistic about what the future holds.’
Cue the speech about the future as she moves on from confusing Reggie with a Labrador.
There was a letter addressed to me that was sitting by my cuppa. As Jane was wittering on about the importance of focusing on what I wanted for my future and making sure I had thought about the subjects I wanted to study, I opened my post. It was like the universe was laughing at me. The letter was from the Sixth Form College I had applied to saying that I needed to make my final subject choices and they had included all the details about enrolment.
‘I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t even know if I want to go to Sixth Form,’ I said. Jane looked like I had told her I was going to run away to the circus. ‘But as I’m not ready for the Olympic Taekwondo Team just yet, I can’t figure out an alternative.’ I paused. ‘I know that I need to decide and I definitely want to do something productive…I’m just not sure what. I like the idea of starting Sixth Form. It’s supposed to be a lot more relaxed than school and anything will be better than that place.’
I didn’t tell Jane, but I’m a bit nervous that I might see some of the bullies there. At least at Sixth Form, we’re all new so I won’t be different to anyone else. Starting Year Eleven as the new kid definitely didn’t help me last year and I might have simply been unlucky…story of my life. I’m not focusing on that though.
‘I know that Katie and Maya are definitely going to this Sixth Form so it’s brilliant I’ll have people to go to enrolment with,’ I ventured. ‘Callie is going off to some fancy art college. She’s so good at art and she’s desperate to get an apprenticeship and become a world famous tattoo artist. I said that she could tattoo me when she’s really good at it.’
It made me laugh that Jane was less worried about that than they idea of me not going to Six
th Form at all.
‘I won’t mention that to your mother as I don’t think any of you want her to practice on your skin just yet! I hope you’ll keep in touch with her, she sounds like fun.’
‘I hope we keep in touch too. I’ll make more of an effort with her than I did with my old friends.’
Katie will probably do a million A Levels and she’ll pass every single one with flying colours. I bet she’s having the exact same conversations with her mum as I’ve been having with Jane. The only difference is that while I was convinced I wanted to be a psychologist, I’m not so sure now. For Katie, she wants to be everything and can’t decide. In the last month, she has wanted to be a vet, a doctor, a lawyer and an architect. The thing is, no matter what she does, she’ll be brilliant at it.
Maya is going to study music and a couple of other subjects she enjoys. She was going to go to art college with Callie but has now decided that all she really wants to do is music. She has no idea what she wants to do in the future, other than it has to involve music!
Jane snapped me out of thinking about my friends by asking, ‘What’s your gut telling you?’
I thought for a moment. ‘I know I want to make a difference and I know that I want to do something that matters to me. I’m just not sure what matters to me enough to want to study it for another two years. Maybe I should stick to psychology as I can’t think of anything else I’d like to do.’
‘I’ll try not to be offended by that. What about something with animals considering how much you love that Labrador?
‘At least you make yourself laugh, Jane. My maths definitely isn’t good enough to be a vet so I’d be getting all the doses of medicine wrong. It’s not like I could whip out my phone in the middle of an operation to work out the sums. And I’d be crying all day if I had to put animals to sleep and would probably end up bringing all the stray animals home with me.’ I gave her a rueful smile. ‘Even though I love that Labrador, I don’t think I want to make a career out of it.’ So, I’m back to not knowing what subjects to take or what I want to do in the future. Brilliant.
