by Marie Yates
Four
I managed to escape last night while Mum and Jane were cracking open their second bottle of wine. Their ideas about career choices for me were getting silly so I sneaked out as I heard, ‘She’d be great on a cruise ship and then we’d get cheap holidays’ then ‘I know, what if she became the chief taster for a chocolate biscuit company,’ followed by a combined shout of ‘Freeeeeeee biscuits.’ These adults are supposed to be helping me.
Earlier today, Jane asked, ‘Are you still using your journal to write about how you’re feeling and to write your goals, successes and gratitude lists?’
‘Sorry, I’ve given up on it a bit because I haven’t been feeling very motivated.’
Jane rolled her eyes, ‘That’s exactly when you need to be doing it so that it helps to motivate you.’
‘Yeah, yeah, I promise I’ll start doing it again.’
I grabbed my bag and ran out to go to taekwondo, hoping that she believed my promise. It felt so good to get some exercise. I’m working towards my green belt, which is tough, but really good fun. I needed it today as I didn’t realise how stressed out I was feeling. It wasn’t until I left the class that I realised I felt so much better, like a weight had been lifted. It probably had because I trained hard, so should have been lighter in more ways than one.
While I was in the middle of working on my sparring, it came to me. I needed to choose subjects that I enjoy rather than worrying too much about what the future holds.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I do know that I want it to be something I enjoy. What’s the point in trying to talk myself into doing certain subjects just so that I can start working towards a career I’m not sure I want?
This is why I love taekwondo. It’s the only place I can think clearly…because I’m not trying to think clearly. It’s quite often when I’m focusing on making my body do things I never thought possible that my brain sends me the answers I didn’t know I needed. I have been searching for the perfect career rather than thinking about the life I’d like to lead.
Jane asked me yesterday whether I saw myself being in an office, working nine to five, working outside, working with people or animals… ‘I DON’T KNOW,’ I had helpfully shouted. It all felt so overwhelming. She had a point through; what do I enjoy doing?
I have no idea whether I want to work in an office. It sounds boring but then I also don’t think I want to work outside in the winter. I like being around nice people, but I know that you can’t always choose the people you have to spend your days with. I love being around Reggie, but I don’t know if I want to spend every day with animals. I love taekwondo, but it’s not a career choice for me. I’ve already looked up the entry requirements for psychology degrees and they seem to be pretty chilled about the A level choices as long as you have decent grades. The only way I would stand a chance at getting decent grades is by doing something I enjoy. I hated every second of working for that maths GCSE and the only motivation to pass was the fact I’d never have to do it again. I don’t want to spend the next two years feeling like that about the subjects I’m studying.
So, mid-sparring, it came to me: Biology, PE, Psychology and English.
‘I’ve made my decision,’ I proudly announced to Mum and Jane, who were still nursing their headaches from last night’s wine. ‘There’re very deep and meaningful reasons for my choices. I love everything I’m learning through taekwondo so Biology and PE should help me to get better. A big part of me is fascinated by what you do, Jane, and what I’ve learnt about myself over the last couple of years. The way I’ve recovered has been about changing what’s going on in my own head, so understanding more about that through Psychology would be brilliant.’ I smiled at them, astonished at my own revelation. ‘The decision about English is just as profound – I like reading and writing.’
They were staring at me, as if they couldn’t believe I had actually made a decision so I carried on talking.
‘There’s a college a bit further away that does an ‘animal care’ course, which looks good but I can care for my own animal at home and am happy with that. That’s it. They’re my choices. Biology, PE, Psychology and English.’
I didn’t think ‘because I want to’ would be good enough reason, but it was! Yay!
‘You’re being sensible, Dani, keeping your options open, and they’re great choices. I’ll help if I can,’ said Jane.
Mum admitted, ‘I won’t be much help but I’ll make you tea while you work hard and Reggie will definitely be up for helping with PE practicals.’
After finishing off the last piece of birthday cake, Jane left feeling as if she’d done a great job of helping. I might have burst her bubble by saying, ‘It was thanks to escaping the interrogation and going to taekwondo that helped.’ I will stick to my promise though and do my goals and stuff.
My goals have changed a bit but I can happily tick off the one that said I’ll pass all of my exams in August. Done.
• It is September and I have my green belt in taekwondo
• It is September and I have enrolled in Sixth Form to study Biology, PE, Psychology and English
There’s only two but that’s good enough for now. My big goal is still black belt and I guess my big A Level goal is to get four As. I suppose I should say A*s but let’s not get silly about it.
The main success I’ve had today is not only choosing my A Level subjects but feeling excited about them. I never thought I’d say that. It must also count as a success that Mum and Jane didn’t give me any grief about my choices.
Then there’s gratitude. I am so grateful that I had taekwondo to go to today. I’m also grateful for Jane coming to help even though she did do my head in a bit!
Five
It’s been a weird day. It was great in loads of ways but then I came home and just felt sad.
I spent the day with the girls and we laughed a lot. I’m so excited that Katie and Maya will be at the same Sixth Form. Callie said she’d miss us all but that she couldn’t wait to spend every day drawing and doing loads of arty stuff that I didn’t really understand. She said she’d be trying balloon art, which I thought was a joke. It wasn’t a joke! She showed us pictures and someone had created the most amazing designs out of balloons. Who knew?! That just goes to show that I have no idea about all the weird and wonderful jobs out there.
The most exciting thing is that we don’t have to wear a uniform. It sounds good, in theory, but also gets me a bit worried as I’m all about jeans and hoodies. This doesn’t make me the most fashionable of students. Katie always looks like she’s just stepped out of the hairdresser and both Maya and Callie are into the latest trends. I couldn’t care less and as long as my clothes have pockets for my phone and lip balm I’m happy.
‘Don’t worry about it,’ Callie told me. ‘You’ll be the coolest student around when I’ve covered you in tattoos and made you a balloon outfit!’
Yeah, the balloon outfit would be like putting a sign over my head saying ‘bully me please’. I think I’ll pass on that one. They did make me feel better as I won’t be walking into most of the lessons on my own. Maya will be doing English and Psychology with me and Katie is signing up for Biology. That’s brilliant, but it leaves PE as the subject that I’m most scared of AND the one I’ll be facing on my own.
Thinking about PE has me worried. I’m already considering dropping it, or switching to another subject. I could take a safe option like History and just keep my head down. I have a suspicion though that History really is as boring as it sounds. After the experience at school of trying to get into PE and the hockey team, I maybe should have learnt my lesson. The thought of facing that again really scares me. I feel as if I’ve beaten the bullies and I don’t want to risk anything like that happening again. I love taekwondo and nothing would make me give that up, but I used to love PE too. I’d really like to learn more about it. In a previous life, back in my old school, I remember joking about being a PE teacher. It had been on
e of my favourite subjects and I was okay at it.
Thinking about it has made me feel sad. I feel scared. It has been such a great day and yet it doesn’t take much to send me back to those crappy times. I could drop PE now and nobody would know, they’d just think I’d changed my mind. But I would know. There would always be a part of me wondering what I’d missed. I feel a bit better about how I look now so it wouldn’t be too embarrassing to do the practical lessons. A few months ago, when the comfort eating was in full flow, there was no way I’d have even considered taking PE. I was turning into a Jaffa Cake and that’s not a good look. If it wasn’t for taekwondo and Reggie’s love of long walks, I’d be turning up for the enrolment day in joggers and a baggy T-shirt.
I’ve been quite good recently. There was a minor setback on the day before I got my exam results where I did make my way through a whole packet of Jaffa Cakes…two packets of crisps…oh, and enough pasta to sink Italy…but other than that, I’ve been quite good! What? I was nervous!
I know that the Queen of the Bullies, Nina, isn’t going to this Sixth Form, which is a big relief, but I guess some of her gang will be. I bet they’re not nearly as brave (or stupid) without her, but I don’t want to risk it. Am I going to let them stop me?
I was about to head downstairs to the biscuit cupboard when Reggie came bounding up the stairs. The ‘no dog in the bedroom’ rule was still working out really well. What Mum didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. I was having a little cry and thought he might be coming to sit with me. He’s done that before, when I’ve had bad days, just sat calmly with me as I’ve cried. Not today. He grabbed the clean washing from the pile on my bed and danced around the room with it.
‘Mum’s going to kill you,’ I shouted as he scattered the clothes everywhere.
He briefly stopped and looked at me as if to say, ‘No she won’t. You shouldn’t have let me up here.’
As I got up to start pleading with him to drop my sock, he raced out of the room and sprinted around the house with it. By the time I finally got him to drop the sock it was a big soggy and I was laughing a lot. I was also knackered.
Reggie had decided that I didn’t need to sit and cry. I needed to get off my arse and learn the lesson that PE wouldn’t be a bad idea to improve my fitness levels. I felt so much better. Not just happier, but stronger too. If I want to do PE, then I will do PE. If I can get a seven stone puppy dog to (eventually) drop a sock, I can do anything! No more sitting around moping about what might happen. At the moment, life is good. I have Reggie and a soggy sock to remind me of that.
Six
Mum has seriously done my head in today. She’s freaking out about me walking to college and even though I wasn’t worried to start with, she’s now made me wonder if I’ll be safe. We ended up having an argument, which was stupid, but I just hate it when she doesn’t listen. It started when I made a comment about having to walk Reggie a bit earlier on some mornings. Katie told me that if we didn’t have a lesson in the morning we could go in a bit later, so that’ll be brilliant for Reggie…and I’ll get a lie in. I didn’t even get a chance to talk about going into Sixth Form late or getting home early on some days. Mum just talked over me with questions about which way I’d be walking, who I’d be with and whether or not I could take the bus.
I’d spent all morning thinking about which jeans I’d wear for the enrolment day tomorrow. Mum made sure I was no longer thinking about jeans and has me thinking about that day. Lightning doesn’t strike twice and all that…right? I don’t really think about that day very much anymore. If there’s something on the TV or in a magazine then I try to avoid it, but I’ve been pretty busy with good stuff. I’m now sitting up in my room wondering if maybe Mum’s right and I should be more careful. But on that day I was just walking home from school. That’s all. Jesus, it’s not like I could have done anything differently. It was his choice to do what he did. I hate him for it, and if I could change it I would, in a heartbeat…but what’s the point, I can’t change it. There was a storyline in one of the soaps a few weeks ago that involved a schoolgirl being raped. It was different as this was by someone she knew, but even though I didn’t watch it, loads of people have been talking about it. Mum watched it so that probably hasn’t helped her. She has been okay about me walking Reggie and walking to school, but now she’s worried. What’s that about?
School was only a short walk away and quite often I’d run home. That wasn’t because I was frightened of walking; it was because I couldn’t get home quickly enough. Getting away from the bullies and back home to Reggie was the only thing I could think about.
Walking Reggie has never really worried Mum or me. My giant softie who is frightened of rabbits – yeah, I know how stupid that sounds but it’s true – definitely looks like he’ll protect me from anything. His big Rottweiler face combined with his powerful body and over excitable German Shepherd tail is a force to be reckoned with. Well, it’s not as he wouldn’t hurt a fly but I definitely feel safe when I’m with him. If it wasn’t for Reggie I don’t think I’d be out walking on my own so happily. He gave me confidence and made being out in the fresh air fun again. Feeling safe is something I never take for granted any more. I can’t take him to Sixth Form with me so I’m going to have to pacify Mum by figuring out which way I’m going to go. This could work in my favour next year as I’ll be able to start dropping hints about getting a car.
So Mum has now started going on and on about wanting to keep me safe. It’s not like she hasn’t done that. No matter how many times we go over that day, there was nothing we could have done differently. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell her this, or how many times Jane goes over it with her, she can’t seem to get her head around it. I always walked home that way; I was just really, really unlucky that he chose that day, that place, that time, to be there too. What am I supposed to do now? I can’t second guess every rapist freak that’s out there and I can’t spend every day being frightened of something that probably won’t happen. I can go and try to enjoy Sixth Form. I maybe shouldn’t have told Mum that she’s spoiling the excitement of leaving school and passing my exams. I know she’s only trying to look out for me, but this really isn’t helping.
‘I’ll work out a couple of different routes,’ I offered in the end. ‘And you can drive me if the times are okay with you getting to work.’ She didn’t look convinced, and I rolled my eyes. ‘And I’ll text you when I get there and when I get home.
‘Don’t roll your eyes at me!’ Mum had shouted.
I didn’t think she’d noticed. I shouted back, ‘I’m growing up and need to be allowed my freedom.’
Reggie lay in his bed, not enjoying the argument at all. It shut me up. He makes me feel bad when he’s like that as he looks so sad. He lies really still, with his eyes going from me to Mum. I wonder if we are reminding him of a past he wants to forget, with arguing and raised voices. He was with a mother and daughter who treated him like crap. They were horrible to him and were probably horrible to each other. They didn’t deserve such an amazing dog and he definitely deserves better than being in the middle of more shouting. I can’t deal with the thought of him being frightened here as he’s the only other living being that makes me feel completely safe… I want to do the same for him. I want him to know he’s safe with us.
Thankfully, tonight is taekwondo. I need some time out of the house and I always feel better after I’ve been training. Reggie can enjoy some peace while I’m out!
Seven
I’m knackered. Today was scary. Sixth Form is definitely nothing like school. That has to be a good thing! I sat with Katie and Maya as we had a welcome talk from some of the staff. We had a full on lecture about making sure we’d picked the right subjects. I learned over and whispered, ‘What do they think we’ve been doing all summer? It’s all we’ve thought about. Well, that and what to wear.’
Katie was taking loads of notes and glared at me to be quiet. She hasn’t changed.
‘I’m still n
ot sure whether or not taking PE was a good idea,’ I whispered to Maya, but she just pointed at her notebook where it looked like she was writing a song.
‘That was a productive hour,’ I added a little bit too loud as they both told me to shut up.
We all perked right up when someone started talking about free periods. Apparently they’re not ‘free’ as they’re put in to make sure we have time to study. Yeah, whatever! The first thing we did when we got our timetables was go through our free periods and find out when we could meet up. I’ve done okay; I have two mornings where I don’t have to be in until ten and two afternoons where I can be home early. Reggie will be pleased. We’re supposed to be in the library or doing coursework but they said we can go off site.
I’m loving Sixth Form already. If I had the choice of going off site at school last year, I’d never have gone back!
‘You know that I’ll have to use the free periods to work, don’t you?’ said Katie as Maya and I were trying to work out if we could make it into town and back on a Thursday. She wasn’t joking.
‘Yeah, that’s cool, we’ll have to start the way we mean to go on too,’ I replied.
Maya just laughed at us and said she would be doing her music research in town if we needed her.
It’s not like I want to fail. I really don’t. I want to do well and I think I’m going to like Sixth Form; I just want to have fun too. Sitting there in my jeans, glancing around at all the new people was a good feeling. I was anonymous again. It was better than just being anonymous though as I was sitting there with two friends. Friends! That’s something I’m not taking for granted any more. This time last year, I was the new kid in school. Mum and I had moved to have a new start. I’m not saying that was a bad idea, but it really didn’t work out the way I’d hoped, the bullies made sure of that. Today, I was just like everyone else. Everyone was nervous and everyone was new. Some people looked like they were there with friends and some looked like they were on their own. I felt for them and did make an effort to smile at a couple of people. I didn’t smile too much though; I don’t want to risk being singled out again!
