by Marie Yates
• It is December and I am ready to take my next grading. Next time it’ll be the green belt with a new stripe.
• It is December and I am completely up to date with all of my assignment deadlines. I figured that December was a good enough focus for now, it’ll mean I’m ready for the Christmas break!
Today has definitely brought a massive success! I’m feeling really proud of myself. I’ve got a lot to be grateful for too:
• All the support with my grading, from the club, from Mum and from my friends.
• Reggie is doing much better and will be allowed off the lead for a little while tomorrow.
• A new friend!
Eleven
If only I could find a career where I could play with Reggie and do taekwondo all day. A Levels aren’t nearly as much fun as I thought they’d be. I thought it’d be really relaxed and I’d have time to do loads of other things too. Nope. Even though I’m only doing four subjects, compared to the long list of subjects at secondary school, they’re taking up so much time. If I’m not reading stuff, I’m researching stuff that I need to read, and then I have to write it all down to make notes. Someone has already written it all down and I don’t think I’m making a better job of it. It doesn’t make any sense.
English is really doing my head in. I used to love reading but they know how to take all the fun out of that. I even had to analyse how many times the letter ‘O’ appeared in one poem. Who cares? Seriously, who cares? I’m guessing the idiot who wrote it wasn’t deliberately finding words with the letter ‘O’, and if he was, he was in need of some serious professional help.
I am feeling really fed up today. Writing about stuff that I really don’t care about isn’t helping. I’ve been ignoring it and doing homework that’s a bit more interesting. I’m finding biology really hard but at least it makes sense. Learning about how the body works is cool. We were doing a module on ‘movement and support in animals’ which meant I could figure out more about what Reggie had done to his leg. It was the first time I’d made a real effort in biology and actually found it quite interesting. I kind of like PE, but only because I have a laugh with Frankie, so that’s not a great career plan either. We spent most of yesterday designing a weight-training programme that can develop maximum strength. I have no idea why it took us all day when I could sum up the entire plan with ‘heavy weights, low reps, with decent rests in-between’. How did that take us almost a whole day? I don’t think we’ll be applying to become personal trainers any time soon. We should get the results back in a couple of days so we’ll see if that was another day wasted or whether we actually managed to blag a decent grade.
Most of the time I can talk myself into getting things done, but I’ve been avoiding doing the things I don’t want to do. That’s just made them even harder as now I have a whole analysis to write by tomorrow and so far I have texted everyone I know, been through my Twitter list and found new people to follow, watched a lot of cute dog videos on YouTube and tidied up my desk…that’s how desperate I am to avoid the stupid poem. I have looked at the other A Levels I could take if I dropped English. I can’t just drop things when they get hard, I know that, but what about when they are completely pointless?
What’s wrong with me? I’m not usually this grumpy for no reason. If I listened properly in Psychology, maybe I’d be able to answer that. I just don’t feel as if I’m getting anywhere, that’s probably because I don’t know what I’m aiming for, but surely I should feel like something is happening, like something is changing?
I work hard for each grading in taekwondo and then I’m bouncing off the walls for like a day. Then it’s back to the start as I just want to start working towards the next belt. Before I know it, I feel as if I’m not doing things well enough again and that I should be better. I feel good when I get a decent mark for homework (not that that happens in English), but then it’s straight on to the next piece of homework. Nothing is ever good enough. I’m not good enough. I don’t know what it will take for me to be enough. I’m just sitting in my little room and the only thing I have to do is write that stupid analysis. If I tried, I could probably write enough to get an okay mark, but I don’t want to. I want to spend the evening doing something that matters, you know, like updating my Twitter feed. Seriously though, nobody cares about the stupid poem.
Maybe the poem should be like the first taekwondo belt I got. It was only Mum who was impressed and before I had even got home, I was planning my next one. If I just get this poem done and ticked off the list, I’ll be onto the next thing which might be more interesting. Mum might be impressed, but she’s out again so I can’t tell her about it. At least I’ll have done it. If I don’t do it, I’ll get a bollocking and I definitely don’t want that. I don’t think the English teacher will accept, ‘But I thought it was pointless, Sir’ as a valid reason for not handing in the analysis. Is it about the poem or is it about winning this little battle with my own head? Writing about a poem will never make me feel good enough as I just don’t care.
If I win this battle in my head, that will help me to feel better. I said I’d do English A Level so that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t want to be someone who bails out when things aren’t exactly how I want them, so I am going to write the stupid analysis and when I’ve finished, I’m going to celebrate with some ice cream! Bring it on!
Twelve
I yawned through most of my classes today because I was up so late writing about that poem. Even though I still think it was pointless, I did feel good when I handed it in today. I was so tired I didn’t realise how late it was when Mum came in last night. She said she was seeing a friend from work; she’s been doing that a lot lately. Am I being really stupid?
Jane called when I got back from walking Reggie earlier on. She was impressed I’d talked myself into writing the analysis. Well done me! She started going on about how I need to be able to make sure I can get on with the things I have to do without spending all day doing the things I really don’t have to do. Blah, blah, blah.
‘In the real world, you won’t be able to sit at your desk messing around on Twitter until you feel like doing your work,’ she said.
‘I know,’ I replied. ‘So you didn’t tweet me at 11.30 this morning when I guess you were sitting at your desk?’ That almost shut her up. ‘What’s going on with Mum and these new work friends?’ I asked. If Jane did know something, she was very good at hiding it.
What if Mum is seeing someone? I can’t even think about that. I have been stuck listening to Katie talking about her new boyfriend for most of the day. I can’t see the attraction myself. She never just calls him by his name and I don’t know what that’s all about. She either says, ‘My boyfriend, Cal’ or ‘Cal, my boyfriend.’ It’s getting really annoying. His name is Cal. Simples. She’s really excited and I’m pleased for her, I just don’t need to hear every detail of what he has said to her, how many texts he sends and try and figure out the dilemma of whether she should put more than one kiss at the end of her messages to him. Kisses must have some sort of code that I don’t understand. She had a total meltdown at lunchtime because she put two kisses at the end of her message to him, and then he replied with only one kiss. She spent the rest of lunch trying to work out what it meant.
‘Obviously it means he hates you, will probably dump you and be going out with someone else by tomorrow morning,’ was my helpful suggestion. Katie did not find that funny at all. I need to learn about the kiss code as it’s a serious business.
I asked Katie if she was going to be around at the weekend and if she wanted to do something. She looked at me as if I was a total idiot and said, ‘I’ll be with Cal, my boyfriend, he’s asked me to go over to his so we can revise together.’
Well, that’s not a revision session I want to be a part of so it looks like it’s a hot date with Reggie for me. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather spend the weekend with!
I did have a good time this afternoon when I should have been rese
arching for my psychology essay. I left early and went to meet Callie before I needed to be home for Reggie. Frankie came with me as she said she would love to be friends with a future tattoo artist. They got on really well so it wasn’t awkward and there weren’t any weird silences. They both like laughing at the fact I chose a sport where I could wear pyjamas so that broke the ice.
Frankie had grabbed Callie’s arm as she shrieked, ‘That’s an amazing tattoo, did it hurt?’
‘Of course it hurt, they all hurt, but it’s worth it,’ Callie said as she removed her arm from Frankie’s grasp. She started walking away before asking, ‘Anyone else fancy going to the café?’
‘Why don’t we all go and get a tattoo?’ Frankie suggested. ‘It’d be a laugh.’
They both grinned and turned to go.
‘I’ve wanted a tattoo for ages, but I wouldn’t know what to have,’ I said as I dutifully followed them.
‘We’ll choose something for you,’ said Callie. ‘How about a giant koi carp because it’s a symbol of strength.’
‘Or what about the Chinese symbol for pyjamas because you love wearing them for taekwondo?’ added Frankie.
Later I made my escape. I laughed as I left the café saying, ‘As much as I’d love to get the Chinese symbol for pyjamas tattooed on my forehead, my dog needs a wee so I’m going home.’
I could hear the shouts of ‘wimp’ as I started walking home. I texted them both when I got back and neither of them had gone into town, so I’m not the only wimp! They both replied saying how nice it was to meet someone new and that we should all meet up again soon. That would be nice, and having Reggie as the perfect reason to avoid Frankie’s spontaneous ideas is even better.
Now that Reggie is back to his usual self we can enjoy our proper walks again. He didn’t like his lead walks at all so I was pleased that Mum did most of them. We went to the park this afternoon and got caught in a hailstorm. We tried to take shelter under a tree but that didn’t really work as Reggie thought it was a game and started trying to dig up the tree roots. I was watching him, having loads of fun, not caring at all that we were out in torrential rain and hail. He was just happy to be making his own fun and having his own adventure. I was soaked to my underwear, standing under a tree in an empty park and there was nowhere on earth I’d rather have been and nobody else I would rather have been with. As Mum would say, ‘I love that bloody dog!’
Thirteen
Should I just ask Mum who this friend at work is? She is spending a lot of time with them and is definitely spending more time on her phone. Last night, we were watching a film and she was constantly checking her phone. She usually makes digs at me when I do that, or if I’m texting while we’re supposed to be watching something. I couldn’t care less as it meant she wasn’t having a go at me for being on my phone; I don’t think she even noticed. She hasn’t said much about this person and I don’t even know if it is the same person she keeps meeting up with. Either she’s suddenly become really popular or she is seeing someone, but why would she keep that a secret?
Do I even want to know if Mum has a boyfriend? It even sounds weird for someone of her age to have a ‘boy’ friend! I’m sure Reggie would have something to say if she brought a guy around here. He’s the only man we need in this house.
I’ve been thinking about Daniel, the sperm donor. I know Mum loved him but he’s no more than a sperm donor to me. He disappeared off to find himself and never returned so if he’s not bothered, I’m not bothered. Staying in our old house for all those years probably meant that Mum was hoping he’d come back one day, that he’d know where to find us. Well, he has no idea where we are now so I guess Mum has a new sense of freedom. I was never expecting him to walk through the door so it doesn’t feel any different to me and I have done just fine without a dad. I definitely don’t want that Daniel-Dad and I don’t want any dad. I don’t need a ‘dad’ I don’t think. What would a ‘dad’ do anyway? I suppose it’s hard to miss something you’ve never had.
If Mum thinks that she’s going to bring some sort of ‘dad’ in to my life, then she’s going to be disappointed. She said yesterday that she wanted to take a couple of days off soon for half term so that we could do something together. That would be cool but I was hoping to spend time with my friends and I suppose I need to finish all my assignments. Frankie was talking about coming over to meet Reggie and coming to the park with us. I’m sure he’d be up for that as long as she can throw a ball and shares her food. He’s pretty easy to win over. We’re all going into town, too. It’s great not being the ‘new’ friend and Frankie seems chilled. She’s going to visit her best friend at some point over half term as she’s having her first opportunity to escape from Basic Training. It all sounds a bit scary to me. I can’t imagine having to share a room with anyone, definitely not a whole group and I couldn’t deal with being shouted at all the time. I don’t think her friend is coming here so I won’t get to ask her what the Army is really like. I will stick to getting shouted at by Mum to tidy my room or get up in the morning, at least I can just ignore her and nothing bad happens!
I’m supposed to be thinking about what I’d like to do with Mum for a couple of days. Erm, nothing! I don’t mind spending time together, but sometimes she wants to ‘talk’ which is a code for checking I’m really okay, that I’m not being bullied again, having nightmares and that I’m ‘coping’.
The only thing I’m not ‘coping’ with are those talks. I’m fine. I do sometimes have crappy days, but doesn’t everyone? I think Jane sets her up with questions and it’s like she has some sort of timetable all figured out that explains why I’m grumpy or why I just want to chill out in my room with Reggie and play loud music. Can’t I just be grumpy because I have too much homework, because Katie is going on and on about Cal, her boyfriend (!), or because some idiot decided to write a poem that I am unlucky enough to have to read – am I still not over that? Apparently not. So, I’d like to spend time with Mum and have a rule that says we don’t need to have the ‘chat’, we could just do something fun and chill out.
A couple of days away with Reggie would be nice. I’d love to take him to the beach and now that his leg is much better, he’d have a brilliant time. So, if she meant that we could go away, the beach would be top of my list, as long as it doesn’t get in the way of my plans with my friends. Mum will probably want to see Jane, which is cool, but hopefully Jane could just join us at the beach and then everyone’s happy.
I need to sort out my next grading too. It’s not long now until I can go for my next belt and that’s something I really want to do. If Mum wants to go away for a couple of days, it needs to be when I don’t have taekwondo either! I’d love to practice on the beach, as long as nobody is watching as I’d probably look like a bit of an idiot. Sometimes when I practice, Reggie thinks it’s a game and tries to join in; so on the beach it would look a bit weird, like I’m trying to fight my dog! At least if I fell over it wouldn’t hurt I suppose?!
I need to stop daydreaming about the beach now and get back on the case with some homework. Wherever Mum is, she can’t hear how loud my music is, so that’s a good thing!
Fourteen
Oh yes! In record time I have my next belt. I have another certificate to add to the collection and I’m on a mission. I’m seriously behind on my assignments but who needs A Levels when you have a belt with a stripe? I love this feeling. It doesn’t last long, but I will enjoy it while it lasts. I worked hard for that belt and even though I think I could have done a couple of moves better, it was good enough to pass. I’ll make sure I get them perfect before my next belt. Taking the oath has made me love taekwondo even more, not that I thought that was possible. Being a part of something is an amazing feeling. I even helped with some of the warm ups for the beginners tonight. They were nervous about their grading so I told them a little bit about what to expect and that it wasn’t as scary as they thought it would be. Even though that’s a bit of a lie and I’m still really nervous when I
go for a grading! I hope I helped.
It’s now tradition that Mum comes to watch my grading and that we go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards. As usual, we went to my favourite pub and I took on the challenge of finishing three courses. I haven’t failed yet! I tweeted a picture of my dinner and had some messages back to say congratulations with Callie being her usual self, saying, ‘You’ll need a bigger belt, nice one.’ Frankie is with her friend at the moment so I’m not expecting to hear from her, although it would be nice. I haven’t really heard from any of my old friends but I haven’t made much effort either. I get the occasional tweet or ‘like’ but I haven’t made any plans to go and see them or for them to come here.
Mum ditched my beach idea quickly saying that she had lots of jobs to catch up on around the house so thought we could stay here. She did ask if I wanted to go back and see any of my old friends as she has kept in touch with some of hers. That’s a big fat ‘no’ from me. I just don’t want to go back to the awkward silences or them trying to keep me involved when we all know that my memories of the place have been changed forever.
‘I think it would be too much trouble to take Reggie to the beach,’ Mum had said, watching as he lolloped around the room knocking into things. ‘There are a few jobs needing doing here at home, anyway.’
‘Oh, Mum, he wouldn’t be any bother, honestly. I’ll look after him.’
‘How about going back to visit your old friends, instead?’ She smiled as if this was a great idea.
I stared hard at her not believing she could even ask. My mouth dropped open. ‘W-what?’ I squeaked.
‘Of course, we don’t have to. I-I mean, I’m not that bothered if – if you really don’t want to.’
‘The beach would’ve been fine.’
