Sammy & Me

by Marie Yates

  Uh oh… I can hear Mum coming up the stairs and I bet it’s going to be time for another ‘chat’ as I know she’s been on the phone to Jane!

  Eighteen

  I was right. Mum has just come upstairs for a ‘chat’.

  My head is still all messed up after seeing Amie and I am now totally overwhelmed by everything. Mum wanted to talk about the Amie stuff to check I was okay and to talk about me meeting Sammy. How was I supposed to kick off about meeting Sammy after the day we’ve just had? I know that there are bigger things going on and I know that meeting some bloke really shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is.

  ‘I wanted to be able to cheer Amie up but I felt totally helpless,’ I admitted to Mum. ‘I’m angry with myself too because I felt annoyed with her. I don’t expect her to be laughing and joking, I know how hard it is when you’re feeling like crap, but she won’t do anything to help herself.’

  ‘Not everyone’s as strong as you,’ she said, which wound me up even more.

  ‘I’m not strong,’ I snapped back. ‘I don’t find it easy. I definitely didn’t find it easy over the last couple of years…’ I thought for a moment. ‘Even though life’s a lot better now, I still feel like crap a lot of the time.’

  I didn’t say it out loud but I still freak out when I see a newspaper story about someone who’s been raped. I won’t watch any TV programmes or films if there’s anything in the storyline that would scare me. I have to have Reggie with me when I’m out in the park or the woods or I wouldn’t be able to go and sometimes I just don’t want to get out of bed.

  I wanted to shout that at Amie but I knew it wouldn’t help! What are the choices? Staying in bed and feeling worse and worse every day, or getting up, in the hope that something good will happen. With Reggie, there’s always something good to look forward to. Without him, I don’t know what I’d do. Maybe that’s why the only time she smiled was when I suggested going out with him. Maybe she doesn’t feel safe otherwise.

  What does ‘feeling safe’ even mean? Sometimes if I’m sitting at home on my own I don’t ‘feel safe’ because I’m thinking about what happened. Then, if I’m walking to Sixth Form and am distracted by the fact I haven’t finished an assignment, I am distracted and definitely don’t feel ‘unsafe’. Amie is always going over and over what happened, she completely defines herself by that one day. It’s the reason she ‘can’t’ go to school, the reason she ‘can’t’ leave the house and the reason why she feels like crap. She can leave the house. She did today. If I’d had a choice, I would have happily never have gone to school again but then what? – a miserable life with a crap job because I had no qualifications, no thank you. Maybe Amie is feeling like crap because she wants to feel like crap. That probably sounds stupid but it can be easy to fall further and further down. People like me have the perfect excuse. Something bad happened, so other people almost expect you to be miserable. Seeing Amie today made me realise just how far I’d come, but it wasn’t about strength. It was because a life of misery sounds shit. I don’t want a life of misery. It’s really hard to ‘decide’ to feel good about what might happen, but it’s a lot better than deciding you’re going to have a miserable day.

  I tried saying this to Mum and she just kept repeating that Amie wasn’t able to do that. I disagree. I just haven’t figured out how to help her do it. There must be a way that I can help her see that there’s another way. Reggie will help, he’s the only reason she wants to leave the house so with him, we can go out and talk and have a laugh. With Reggie, she’ll feel able to go to the park and maybe even talk to people. It’s amazing the amount of people I’ve chatted to thanks to Reggie, even though I’m usually apologising for him soaking someone, or running off with another dog’s tennis ball. That will help her see that there are nice people out in the world too. Christmas isn’t far away so we can hopefully plan a time to go out as I’ll have more time in the holidays.

  Mum finished with, ‘It’s a good idea for you to take Amie out with Reggie, but I wouldn’t push her if she’s not ready.’

  ‘Not ready for what?’ I asked. ‘Who isn’t ready for a walk in the park with the most awesome dog on the planet?’

  ‘I’m proud of you,’ she answered. ‘I’m so proud that you’re my daughter and I’d love to take you for lunch tomorrow.’ She looked at me hopefully. ‘Would you like that?’

  As I was nodding she added, ‘I’d love for Sammy to meet my incredible daughter, so I hope it’s okay that I invite him too?’

  That wasn’t actually a question as she had walked out of my room before I could answer with a big fat ‘no’.

  Well played, Mum. Well played.

  Nineteen

  Today was the day. The day I’ve been dreading. I met Sammy. I don’t think I like him.

  I did try to be nice, I really did. Mum took us out for lunch to a new pub which I am sure was Jane’s idea. It was neutral ground, not somewhere we’d been before and I had no escape! If he’d come to our house, which I didn’t want to happen, I’d have been able to head up to my room but Mum had thought that through.

  In fairness, I think Mum was more nervous than I was. She was quiet this morning and being extra nice to me. I woke up to a note saying, ‘Enjoy a lie in, I’m taking Reggie on a hike so that he’ll be fine on his own while we’re out.’

  It’s not so bad now that I’m in Sixth Form and am home a lot more, obviously using my ‘study’ lessons properly. I used to hate leaving him alone at weekends when he spent time on his own during the week. Now, he’s probably glad of some peace without me talking to him non-stop.

  Mum came back and spent a long time getting ready. I put my favourite jeans and hoodie on, which in my world is making a big effort. She tried making conversation in the car but it was obvious that all she really wanted to do was say, ‘Danielle, for God’s sake please just be nice to him.’

  Pulling up at the pub, she said, ‘That’s his car, he’s already here.’ She pointed out a really nice sports car. Instead of thinking that the car was cool (which it was), I just thought it was brilliant that he’d never be able to take Reggie anywhere. There’s no way he’d fit in that car.

  As I got out of our car I got a text. It was Frankie saying, ‘Gd luk, b nice & u neva no, u might lk him x.’ Yeah, whatever.

  I spotted Sammy straight away from Mum’s description, ‘A tall, handsome, dark-skinned guy who looks like he should be a runner but can’t be bothered to run.’ That was accurate. I actually felt a bit sorry for him. He hadn’t seen us as we walked in and I could see that he was nervous. He was sitting on his own in the corner, with a glass of orange juice, arranging his cutlery. I do that when I’m nervous too. I don’t suppose this is his dream of a perfect way to spend a Sunday with his new girlfriend. I thought, We have that in common at least; neither of us want to be here.

  I liked his hoody, even though I thought he was a bit old to be wearing it. I didn’t say that, obviously, but I wondered if he was trying to impress me in some weird way. It looked new. He shook my hand; I must admit that was a relief. I would have freaked out if he had tried to hug me. The only man who has ever hugged me is Grandpa, and I don’t really like that.

  We sat down and thankfully the waitress appeared within seconds to take our drinks order and explain about the specials. I could have happily listened to her all day so that I didn’t have to turn back to the awkwardness at the table.

  ‘Did you get here okay? The roads were quite busy.’ Sammy asked Mum. He turned to me. ‘People just don’t know how to drive as soon as it rains,’ he said, then looked straight back at Mum in a mild panic.

  Why? Why do people do this? Who cares about the traffic or the weather?

  ‘Have you been out with Reggie this morning? I’ve heard a lot about him,’ Sammy continued, but Mum chipped in before I could answer,

  ‘Oh, well I took him this morning so that Dani could have a lie in, but she takes him most of the time, he adores her as much as she adores him.’ She stopped talk
ing, realising that she looked like a bit of an idiot, and started reading the menu.

  ‘I’ll take him out when we get home,’ I said. ‘I don’t like leaving him at weekends but he’s fine.’ Maybe I shouldn’t have added the second bit.

  We ordered and Sammy did make an effort to talk to me and ask questions. I was polite; I answered and nodded in the right places. I suppose I should have asked him some things too. I didn’t know what to ask and I’m not sure I would have cared about the answers. I was relieved when Mum and Sammy started talking about work as I could just enjoy my lunch and watch the minutes tick past until we could go home.

  Mum was happy, which meant my life would be easier over the next couple of days. As we got in the car she said, ‘Thanks for making an effort and for talking to him, Dani. I know it wasn’t easy for you. I do appreciate it, you know, and you meeting each other is very important to me.’

  Annoyingly, I couldn’t find anything that bad about him. I’m definitely not in any rush to see him again, but he’s not the devil. Mum definitely seems to like him a lot and even though they were keeping me involved in conversations, except about the boring work stuff, I felt like a spare part. I don’t want to like him, I don’t want him around and I am now very happy to be back at home with the only man I need in my life. My main man, Reggie.

  Twenty

  If Mum ever finds out what I did today, she’s going to go mad. As I walked into Sixth Form, I met up with Katie. She was crying as she’d had an argument with Cal, her boyfriend, over the weekend. Apparently, he wanted to go out with his friends and she thought they were spending time together. I said, ‘Oh, I wish I’d known you were free, we could’ve taken Bailey and Reggie out to the park.’

  I don’t think that was the response she was looking for. I felt a bit sorry for Cal, her boyfriend, because if she’s like this around him that must be annoying. I didn’t say that to her as I was relieved she had finally stopped crying.

  It was Katie’s idea to go into town. I never thought she’d skive off as she’s all about getting good grades and working hard. I am too, but never seem to get the grades as easily as Katie does. She does work hard, I’m not saying it’s easy for her, just that she has a natural ability when it comes to passing exams and my memory quite often goes completely blank as soon as I turn over the paper. It’s why I like Sixth Form as doing assignments and coursework means I get better grades than if it’s a memory test in an exam.

  ‘I’ll help you catch up,’ Katie said, ‘but I need to cheer myself up with a day out.’

  ‘You don’t have to ask twice,’ I replied.

  We got on the bus that goes into town.

  I was supposed to be meeting Frankie before our first class so sent her a text saying that Katie had talked me into going into town and asked if I could borrow her notes from class later on. She replied, ‘No u can’t, u cheeky cow. Can I meet u 2 in town? X.’

  So, the three of us met up in town for the morning. I did feel guilty for a little while, but then was having too much fun to care. I thought I could catch up on work later on as I didn’t have any classes in the afternoon anyway.

  In reality, I’m now sitting at home with the music on, writing this after spending half an hour teaching Reggie to roll over. I need to sort my priorities out. Firstly, finish writing and practice for tonight’s taekwondo training!

  This morning, I laughed so much I cried. I am not sure if Katie was very impressed that Frankie joined us, but I don’t care. She’s ditched me for Cal, her boyfriend, over the last few weeks so I’m lucky that I met Frankie and still have lessons with Maya or I’d be friendless again. I haven’t seen much of Callie, but we have been messaging and keeping touch. It’s weird because I miss her, but at the same time, I am so happy to be out of school, where I saw her all the time, that I’m fine with how things are with us all. I wish Katie was around more, but I guess that’s what’s happens when you meet someone. If it all ends, no doubt it’ll be me she’ll come crying to. Can’t wait…not!

  Frankie is so funny. She decided to join in this morning with some street dancers and she was good, but still managed to wreck their routine. Luckily they saw the funny side and taught her some of the moves while Katie and I sat and watched. They asked us if we wanted to join in too. ‘No way, but thanks for asking,’ I said.

  I had the responsibility of filming it on Frankie’s phone while Katie was switching between watching the dancing and staring at her phone in the hope Cal would text; he didn’t. I didn’t blame him as he’d probably have only got another argument from Katie for not texting sooner. She’s hard work at the moment.

  Frankie decided she desperately needed a drink after all the dancing so she left her new friends and we spent the next couple of hours in a café. Frankie gave Katie lots of advice on how to deal with Cal, which wasn’t very helpful but quite funny for me.

  She did make the mistake of saying, ‘D’you think you sometimes come across as being a bit “needy”?’

  Whoa!

  Katie’s sharp reply came flying back. ‘You don’t know me or my boyfriend, Cal.’

  Frankie then said the unthinkable. ‘We know he’s your boyfriend, just saying his name is enough.’

  I changed the subject pretty quickly as I thought Katie might cry again.

  Frankie has an amazing way of not letting these things bother her and happily joined in with the new subject of me talking about Sammy and how I’d been forced to meet him at the weekend.

  It was my turn to face Frankie’s blunt advice.

  ‘Just get over it. If your mum’s happy, your life’ll be easier and that’s got to be a good thing,’ she said.

  She had a point but I still can’t ‘just get over it’.

  Katie joined in by saying, ‘I wouldn’t mind if my mum found a boyfriend, then she could be as happy as I am with Cal.’

  Seriously?! Frankie and I just looked at each other and tried not to laugh while Katie was too busy staring at her phone to notice.

  Maybe it shouldn’t be such a big deal, but it is. I don’t like the idea of a man being around the house. I’m quite happy, right now, with it being the three of us. If Mum’s happy, that’s great, and Sammy wasn’t horrible. She definitely seems happier than Katie, but that’s not difficult at the moment. I guess Mum seeing Sammy will also mean she’s too busy thinking about him to worry about whether I made it to class today.

  Reggie has just looked at me with his cute head tilt, he’s right, with or without Sammy, Mum will go mad if she finds out.

  Twenty-one

  I raced home today, excited that it was the start of the Christmas holiday. I have lots of time to sleep, chill out with Reggie, sleep, practice for my next taekwondo grading, sleep, catch up on assignments, and get more sleep. That was the plan anyway but Mum has already burst that bubble. I’ll definitely be spending more time in my room, but that’s mainly to stay away from her.

  ‘How would you feel about me inviting Sammy over for Christmas lunch?’ Before I could say anything she added, ‘Just lunch. We’d still take Reggie out together in the morning and have the evening together.’

  Was she joking? She had to be joking. ‘Are you joking?’ I asked.

  Apparently, she wasn’t joking.

  ‘I just thought it would be nice,’ she said, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. ‘Nice for whom?’ I replied. It would not be nice for me. It would be close to a Christmas nightmare. Actually, throw in Grandma and Grandpa too and we have everyone’s Christmas nightmare.

  ‘Can Grandma and Grandpa come too. It’s obviously important that Sammy joins the family?’

  The look that Mum gave me was enough to show that it was a definite ‘no’ to my grandparents being invited for Christmas lunch.

  I didn’t argue over that as I remember Jane once saying to Mum, ‘Be careful what you wish for,’ when they were talking about my grandparents not being supportive during the court case. I asked Jane what she meant by that and she said that i
f my grandparents were being supportive; they’d be doing it in their own unique way which probably meant more criticism. Nobody wanted that. If they were here with Sammy for Christmas lunch, it would be a quick way to make sure he left as soon as possible, which sounded like a great idea to me, but probably not worth the hassle.

  It’s always been just the two of us at Christmas. Sometimes Jane has joined us, sometimes she’s stayed in-between Christmas and New Year, but it has always been us. Mum has always burnt something. We’ve opened presents while the smoke alarm has been going off and we’ve spent the day doing nothing, relaxing in our pyjamas and eating whatever we want. How are we supposed to do that with him in the house? I don’t want him in the house.

  ‘You’re being childish and selfish,’ Mum had shouted as I stormed up the stairs, ending the conversation.

  On reflection, she’s probably right but I don’t want him in the house. I can’t put it into words that will make sense to Mum. Of course I’m not saying that her beloved Sammy is someone I’m scared of, or that I think he’ll do anything. I am scared, that’s all. Scared of things changing, scared that there’s going to be a man in the house and scared that, well, I’m just scared.

  I’ve been in my room ever since and am getting hungry. I’m not going downstairs though. This is not the way I thought the end of term would be.

  I sent Frankie a text saying Mum wanted to invite Sammy over for Christmas lunch and she just replied saying, ‘Cool, more presentz x.’ She doesn’t get it. Why would she? She’s got her mum and dad and it’s always been that way. I wonder what Christmas would be like if the sperm donor, Daniel, was still around. Would Mum and Daniel still be together? Would we be having a happy family Christmas, or at least a normal family Christmas with some arguments while slagging off my grandparents? I wonder if he even thinks about us, about me.