by Marie Yates
Back to real life now.
I said ‘goodbye’ to Jane this morning, went back to Sixth Form and now have a long list of assignments I need to finish. The holidays are definitely over.
I had the worst time out with Reggie tonight too. It was dark when I took him for his walk so it wasn’t the most fun for either of us, then I picked up his number two and found there was a hole in the bag. So disgusting. I swear that I’m getting through all the crap stuff at the start of the year – literally! I still don’t feel great and all these little things keep happening to mess up my day.
Anyway, back to this morning. Walking into the first lesson of the New Year, I was asked for my assignment. ‘What assignment?’ It turns out I’d written down the wrong date in my diary and it was due in today, not at the start of February.
My head just isn’t switched on. I’m going to lose marks because it’s late and I have to get it done and handed in by next week. How am I supposed to do that? I need another holiday, but this time, I actually need to do some work.
I spent the last couple of days with Jane as well and didn’t get much done at all. Sometimes I’m not sure if talking about things brings it all back rather than focusing on the future and some good stuff.
We, Jane and I, were talking about Sammy and about Amie, which led us back to how I’m feeling and about things that I probably wouldn’t be worried about if it wasn’t for what happened. I wouldn’t be talking with Amie if I hadn’t been in a similar situation to her and I’m not sure I’d be so worried about Sammy being in the house. I’m pretty sure that I would still feel uncomfortable about it all and not want a new ‘dad’, but I don’t know if I’d be scared.
To be fair, nobody has said anything about him being a new ‘dad’. Jane was surprised I’d even thought about that. I hope she hasn’t said that to Mum as that would be embarrassing. I just can’t help thinking about these things.
Jane said that I was doing a great job with Amie and that I needed to realise it wasn’t my responsibility to help her. I could only say what I felt was right and then it was up to Amie whether she tried the things I’d mentioned.
I know that Jane’s right, but I just wish I could get Amie to see that life could be so much better than it is now. When I was talking to Jane, I realised that I needed to remind myself of that too. I do feel quite down a lot of the time and I know that the arguments with Mum aren’t helping. I used to love being at home, but now I’m spending more and more time in my room. I don’t want Mum to think she can’t talk about Sammy, but I am worried that she’s going to say he’s on his way over to our house. I’m sure she’d tell me and he wouldn’t just appear one day.
That evening with Sammy was okay actually, he was definitely nervous about meeting Jane which was quite funny. She didn’t ask any weird ‘psychologist’ questions but he seemed to think she was analysing him anyway. He thought about everything before he answered her and looked at Mum a lot as if to ask if it was the ‘right’ answer. She only asked where he’d gone to university! Jane did most of the talking so I could stay quiet, enjoy my dinner and not say anything that could get me into trouble. Nobody mentioned Christmas Day so that was good as that could have been awkward. I know that Mum will have told him why he wasn’t invited, but he was nice enough not to say anything, which was cool.
He had asked if I’d enjoyed the New Year’s Eve party. Mum had obviously told him about my headache and visits to the bathroom. He’d thought it was funny and had said, ‘It’s a few nights like you experienced that’s led to me only drinking this…’ He pointed to his orange juice.
‘I don’t blame you,’ I had answered, and meant it.
The evening wasn’t as awkward as the first time we met, mainly thanks to Jane’s ability to talk non-stop.
Back in the car, she then dissected her thoughts on Sammy with the conclusion being, ‘Yeah, I like him, I think he’s good for you.’
Phew. I wonder what Mum would do if Jane had said she hated him and thought they should split up straight away? Wishful thinking.
I need to get on with my assignment. I now have even more work to do and I’ll be gutted if I have to miss taekwondo this week. My only goal at the moment is finishing that assignment, and all the others that I should have done over Christmas.
I keep telling Amie that it’s even more important to write when you don’t feel like it, so I’ll do what I have asked her to do.
Goals
• It is February and I have passed my DOUBLE grading in taekwondo.
• It is February and I am up to date will all of my assignments for Sixth Form.
• I have not missed any lessons at Sixth Form and been to every taekwondo training session for the whole of January.
• I have spent more time with Reggie, going out for walks, and taught him the ‘roll over’ trick properly.
It’s going to be a mission to achieve these.
Success
• I was nice to Sammy when we went out for dinner.
• I didn’t cry when I realised I hadn’t done the assignment.
• I didn’t cry when I realised there was a hole in the poo bag!
• I have written this.
Gratitude
• I’m grateful for the time with Jane.
Twenty-six
Feeling like a hypocrite today! We’d arranged to see Amie and her mum this afternoon so I decided I’d spend the morning working on the assignment. It’s amazing how quickly the time disappears and how I find so many more interesting things to do.
I had a lie in, Reggie had a longer walk than usual and I even tidied up the massive pile of clothes on my bedroom floor that Mum had been nagging me about for ages. I found time to go through some practice for my grading and found time to watch half an hour of a (not very) interesting cooking programme on the TV while I had breakfast. I couldn’t find the time to do any coursework though – weird!
So, who am I to be talking with Amie about working hard, trying her best and taking small steps to work towards what she wants in life? I definitely didn’t do any of that this morning, except for taekwondo, but I can always find time for that.
Amie is finding it tough, but I have to give her credit because she really is trying. She has only missed one day of keeping her diary since we last saw each other, she has been back to school and has plucked up the courage to talk to her mum about getting a new therapist. That was quite funny as her mum’s reply was, ‘Definitely, darling. I’ll look into it today. I thought she was a bit nuts too, but didn’t want to upset you if she was helping!’
Her mum has sorted out a couple of new people for Amie to meet to see how she feels about them. How cool is that? If only we could all have the guts to be honest from the start.
Amie didn’t want to give her mum another reason to think she wasn’t trying and her mum didn’t want to upset Amie. All along, they were thinking the same thing!
I was lucky as I had my own personal head-fixer in Jane (she’d kill me if she knew I’d written that!), and still do have her; but when you’re talking about something so personal, you have to be able to trust the person in front of you. It’s not just about trusting them to keep things private, that’s almost a sure thing in their work, but you have to be comfortable with them. You’re sharing your biggest fears, your hopes for the future, the most painful experience of your life, your heart and soul. If you’re sitting in front of some muppet who can’t get past the wise words of ‘look after you’, then they don’t deserve your trust. Having the guts to say to her mum that Amie needed something different and still really wanted to try to get through this with help, is amazing.
This afternoon, as we were out in the freezing cold park with Reggie, Amie admitted, ‘I’m actually excited to meet the new people and see which one I get on with.’ She smiled. ‘I feel like I have the choice now.’
I never thought I’d hear her say she was excited about it! I’m really pleased for her.
When I’m out with Reg
gie, I often get the best thoughts pop into my head. Today, I remembered something that Jane had said while she was staying with us and I shared it with Amie. ‘… it’s a bit like taekwondo, it really hurts sometimes when you’re training but you know it’s worth it because you’re getting stronger and getting better at the sport you love.’ I paused to let that take effect, then continued, ‘So, even on the days when the memories hurt or when you’re frightened, working through it and figuring out a way forward makes you stronger and gives you quicker solutions if it happens again… You’re training yourself for the life you want, and living the life you want.’
Amie thinks I’m seriously smart, but I’m usually only repeating what Jane has told me, so I added, ‘It’s what Jane said, actually.’
Her reply was funny. ‘Jane’s probably just repeating something she read, or that someone said to her!’
She had a point! We could all be talking complete and utter rubbish, but who cares, if it helps? It has helped me and I hope it’s helping Amie. The thing for me is remembering that I need to do these things every day. Like with taekwondo, I don’t practice once and then never have to practice again. If I don’t practice for a couple of days, I can feel myself missing things or having slower reactions when I try again. Why would it be any different with keeping the diary or doing things that help me to feel better? Why the hell can’t I remember this when I’m sitting watching the stupid cooking programme?
‘To be honest, Amie, I’ve wasted the whole morning and totally messed up the deadline,’ I had admitted.
‘At least you made it to class last year,’ she’d answered. ‘This year, you have to practice listening and actually do the work too!’
That’s true! So, once I’ve finished this, I’m going to focus on that bloody assignment.
Goals
• It is February and I have passed my DOUBLE grading in taekwondo. I’m practicing every day; I really want this!
• It is February and I am up to date will all of my assignments for Sixth Form. Starting with the one I should have finished last year!
• I have not missed any lessons at Sixth Form and been to every taekwondo training session for the whole of January.
• I have spent more time with Reggie, going out for walks, and taught him the ‘roll over’ trick properly. I’ve done the first two so far, need to do the third!
Success
• I helped Amie (I hope)
Gratitude
• I’m grateful for the time with Reggie and Amie.
• I’m grateful for Amie helping me too. She made me laugh and didn’t make me feel like a hypocrite!
Right, no more excuses…!
Twenty-seven
I have made a decision! There, that’s my success for the day!
Seriously, I am pleased with myself. I’m still thinking about Sperm Donor Daniel a lot and have done some searches for him online. I don’t know why as I’ve never wanted to look for him before, but since the whole Sammy thing started, I’ve wondered what it would be like to have my own dad. I know that I don’t want a ‘new’ dad but I don’t even have an ‘old’ dad. Maybe it was naïve to think it would always just be the two of us, but I hadn’t thought about a guy being part of our lives at all.
I haven’t found him, but I have found ways that I could get help to find him or ways to look into my family tree. According to one of the websites, finding out about my ancestors will gave me a better understanding of who I am. Is that true? I know who I am. I do things that I know definitely come from Mum, but she’s been with me every day of my life. Some bloke who ran off when I was a baby can’t have had that much of an impact. And even if I’ve got some bits of his genetically, that won’t change whether I know him or not. One thing I am sure of is that finding him would take a lot of time and effort. I already don’t seem to be able to find the time to do my coursework and build a future so I’m not sure there’s any point in wasting time finding out about my past.
I don’t know if he’d even want me to find him. He has never tried to make contact so it would be pretty horrible to find him and for him to then say that he didn’t want anything to do with me. At least this way, he’s already made his decision and I haven’t lost anything. You can’t lose what you have never had, and until recently, I haven’t been bothered. I’m not sure I’m that bothered now, it’s just been bugging me a bit. I might just be finding another way to avoid coursework as I’m good at that.
What if I did find him, he wanted to meet and we started talking to each other? What would be the point? I would want to know why he left and why he broke Mum’s heart. I’d want to know why he never got in touch and whether he’s even thought about us in the last 16 years.
I remember asking Jane a while ago, to find out if she had any idea why he did it. Her reply was, ‘Because he’s a selfish prick.’ She immediately apologised and said she shouldn’t say that about my father, but that she could never forgive him for how much he hurt my mum.
I talked to Frankie and Katie about it and they both agree that he doesn’t deserve for me to go looking for him.
‘In fairness, you lived in the same house for like, fifteen years. If he wanted to say “hi” it wouldn’t have been that hard,’ was Katie’s first response.
‘Screw him,’ were the words of wisdom from Frankie.
What would I do without them? Talking to them did help. They both have different experiences to me. Frankie’s mum and dad are still happily married and she’s always had them both around. Katie knows her dad but doesn’t have much to do with him and it’s just her and her mum (and Bailey) in the house.
Frankie added to her wise words by saying, ‘I guess it would be different if you didn’t know anything about him at all, and then it might be interesting to find out if he’s a rock star or a famous footballer or a millionaire. But you already know he’s a waste of space, so there’s not much point.’
I know that he broke Mum’s heart and I haven’t said anything to her about what I’ve done or that I’ve been thinking about him. She has never kept anything a secret so I know a bit about him. I know his full name. I know he likes sport and green tea (weirdo), and she did tell me his birthday but I’ve forgotten it. I also know that he ran away from the woman he said he loved and his daughter without ever coming back to see if they were okay. Is that really a man I want to go and find? I think Frankie and Katie are right in what they said.
Things haven’t been great with Mum and I don’t want her to think that I’m trying to annoy her or get back at her. He has just been on my mind a lot. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to be dumped and left to raise a kid on your own. It must have been scary and she had to get over him while making sure I was okay too. Katie can’t even cope for thirty minutes without checking to see if she’s had a message from Cal, her boyfriend, so imagine if he just disappeared. I don’t think I could cope, never mind Katie!
My decision is that I am not going to look for Daniel and I feel good about that.
Goals
• It is February and I have passed my DOUBLE grading in taekwondo.
• It is February and I am up to date will all of my assignments for Sixth Form. Argh, this one is so boring!
• I have not missed any lessons at Sixth Form and been to every taekwondo training session for the whole of January. I’m doing well with this one. 100 per cent so far!
• I have spent more time with Reggie, going out for walks, and taught him the ‘roll over’ trick properly.
Success
• I made a decision! I think that was partly down to talking to Amie and hearing how happy she was about taking control of her own decisions. I am not looking for Daniel.
Gratitude
• I’m grateful for having Katie and Frankie to talk with.
Twenty-eight
So, Reggie is rolling over like a professional. I have no idea how many professionals need to do this but he is a genius. He is so cute and looks very pleased with himse
lf when he’s done it, sits back up and gets a treat. I only ask him to do a couple of rolls every day, now that he’s learnt it. I was getting really excited and asking him to do a few at a time until Mum said I’d be making him dizzy.
Mum saying, ‘If he’s sick, you’re going to clean it up,’ was enough to make us stop for the day. That’s one goal ticked off the list. It’s not surprising I ticked this off the list first as it was the one that was the most fun.
Reggie’s not the only successful family member either. I HAVE MY BELT! I’m now closer to my black belt than ever and it’s definitely getting harder. Getting my green belt and taking my oath was a massive step forward for me, but being chosen to go for a double grading was extra special. The fact that they could see I’ve been working hard really matters to me as it makes it all worthwhile. I know that I started taekwondo for myself and to help me feel better about everything, but when someone else can see that you’re trying hard and gives you a chance to get even better, that’s very cool. I think the coaches are amazing, so when it’s someone you respect who gives you that chance, it is extra special.
I did have an argument with Mum last night, which meant I wasn’t as focused as usual before the grading. It’s become of a bit of a routine that Mum goes out for dinner with Sammy on a Thursday, which is the same night that the grading was booked for.
Last night, she asked, ‘What time do I have to be there to watch you?’
‘Don’t bother, you don’t have to be anywhere,’ I’d snapped back. ‘It’s your night with Sammy and I don’t want to get in the way of that.’
I hadn’t meant it to come out quite like that; I just didn’t want her to bring him along because that was the time they spent together and if that was the option, I’d rather she didn’t come at all. It turned out that most of that was only happening in my own head.
