by Marie Yates
She wasn’t impressed with what I said and shouted, ‘You really do need to grow up and realise that not everything revolves around you. I’ve always supported you and tomorrow night won’t be any different.’ She’d slammed the kitchen door and marched upstairs.
She left her cup of tea and I knew she wouldn’t come back and get it because that would spoil her dramatic exit. She didn’t, so I congratulated myself on being right about it and drank it for her. I wasn’t sure if that meant she was definitely coming or not, but she wasn’t home at the usual time today and I figured she had decided to go out with Sammy.
I did manage to concentrate in class today. It’s hard not to when there’s so much to learn if I’m going to pass these A Levels.
‘I’ve got my grading tonight’, I told Frankie.
‘Are you at black yet? I’ll be impressed when you get to black.’
I hoped she was joking as it’s going to take me a long time to impress her.
‘Good luck though, I hope you nail it,’ she’d said, before I came home to get ready.
I took Reggie out and we had our tradition pre-grading pep talk. Which is where I take him for a long walk and talk the whole way around about what I need to do, what I’m worried about, which bits I find the hardest and how I really want to pass. He listens, runs after things, makes me laugh and I always come home feeling better about it all. This afternoon was no exception. Reggie ‘helped’ while I went through everything for the final time in the living room. He ‘helps’ by getting under my feet, bowing at me because he wants to play and jumping around like he’s joining in. It’s a great way for me to practice getting it right while there’s a big distraction in the room. There still wasn’t any sign of Mum so I made something to eat and got ready. I walked to the session myself and couldn’t see her car so just went in and got changed, pretending that I didn’t care. Everyone is nervous at these sessions so I was occupied and enjoying watching the others going through their grading while I waited for my turn.
I was called in and had one last look in the spectator’s area. Mum was there. I was relieved as she smiled and mouthed the words ‘good luck’ as I got started. The nerves disappeared as I found my rhythm and all the preparation paid off. It feels amazing to have my new belt, a double grading and be a massive step closer to the ultimate goal. Mum didn’t say anything about last night’s argument and stopped for our favourite takeaway on the way home as a treat. It’s been a pretty awesome day.
Goals
• It is February and I have passed my DOUBLE grading in taekwondo. YES I HAVE! Now to start working towards my next one.
• It is February and I am up to date will all of my assignments for Sixth Form. Done…almost… Okay, so I’m still behind on one, but that’s not bad!
• I have not missed any lessons at Sixth Form and been to every taekwondo training session for the whole of January. Done!
• I have spent more time with Reggie, going out for walks, and taught him the ‘roll over’ trick properly. Done!
Success
• Reggie knows how to roll over when I ask him to!
• I passed my double grading and have my new belt.
• I had a nice evening with Mum and we didn’t argue.
Gratitude
• I’m grateful for living with the most amazing dog on the planet.
• I’m grateful to Mum for coming to watch and for our takeaway.
• I’m grateful that she didn’t bring Sammy!
Twenty-nine
Today has been a challenge. I have been forced to listen to Katie go on and on and on about Valentine’s Day. She seriously hasn’t talked about anything else. ‘What should I get him?’, ‘What should I wear?’, ‘What do you think he’ll get me?’, ‘What if I get him something romantic and he gets me something he thinks is funny?’ … ‘What if, what if, what if…’
‘I DON’T CARE!’
She still can’t manage to say Cal’s name without adding ‘my boyfriend’ and even when I put my iPod on and turned the volume up, it hadn’t stopped her talking. I’m not sure she would have noticed if I had just got up and walked away. I wish I had tried that. I don’t want to be annoyed with her but I just don’t get what all the drama is about. It’s just another evening with the same guy she’s been seeing for what feels like a lifetime.
I can’t say anything because I’m supposed to be a friend and supposed to be happy for her, but she’s too much when she’s like this. I sent Frankie a message at lunch time asking her to come and save me from Katie’s constant boyfriend chatter and she just replied saying, ‘Not on ur life, I can’t cope wiv her on a gd day so wen shes like dis I might end up behind barz x.’
Katie hadn’t even noticed me laughing at my phone; she would usually get all paranoid and want to know what I was laughing at.
If I’d said that she was getting annoying and maybe taking it all a bit too seriously, she would probably have only thought I was jealous. Maybe I am? I don’t think I am though. I can’t imagine wanting to be like Katie over some boy. Cal’s a nice guy and I have a laugh with him, but I don’t get what the big deal is.
Maybe if I hadn’t had all that crap happen, I’d feel differently about it. Maybe there’s something in me that’s now scared. I’m definitely worried about Sammy being in the house, but I’m not scared of the guys in Sixth Form or the guys at taekwondo. I really like having a laugh with them but I’ve never looked at them ‘like that’. I’ve never thought I’d like to go out with them and when Katie is going on and on about how gorgeous Cal, her boyfriend, is, I just don’t see it.
She wouldn’t stop talking about how much she liked kissing him the other day and laughed at me when I said, ‘Isn’t that a bit itchy because he’s got that stubble all over his face?’ I thought it was a fair comment but she just thought I was being funny. I’ll take it that either it’s not itchy or she doesn’t care that it’s itchy. Either way, I don’t really understand what all the fuss is about.
I have never thought about kissing any of the boys that I like having a laugh with. Even Amie has talked about a guy at school she thought was really nice. I didn’t think about it at the time as we were laughing about whether she’d have the guts to ask him out and she went red as she shouted, ‘No way.’ As she’d shouted, Reggie wondered what was happening and ran back to us at superfast speed and almost knocked Amie over so that made us forget all about her possible new boyfriend and gave us something different to laugh about.
I wonder if things had been different if I’d be more interested in getting a boyfriend. When all my friends were starting to get really interested in boys, I was in the middle of trying to get through the court case and much more worried about how they were talking about me. And although they tried to be nice, it was so awkward all the time. I don’t remember them talking about boys much but maybe they kept quiet because they didn’t want to upset me. Maybe I just wasn’t listening because I was trying so hard to be ‘normal’. Then, when we moved here and I moved schools, I didn’t have anything to do other than get through each day and try and avoid the bullying bitches. I didn’t care about anything other than passing my exams and never going back to that place ever again. It’s not really surprising that boys haven’t been an important part of life so far.
I guess it would be nice to have someone to go out with on Valentine’s Day. When I see myself with someone, I just don’t know who it is. There’s a blur and it definitely isn’t a blur that looks like any of the guys I know. It’s a bit sad that I’m sitting here with Reggie and even Mum has a date on Valentine’s Day. Maybe I should care more than I do but I’m happy here with my boy!
Jane called earlier to say ‘hi’ and said, ‘I’m at home with a takeaway pizza and a bottle of wine, at least you have Reggie.’ Yep, she has a point!
Goals
• It is April and I have my red belt in taekwondo.
• It is the end of half term and I am up to date will all of my assignments.
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• I have taught Reggie a new trick, need to figure out which one.
Success
• Not shouting at Katie. I actually think I deserve some sort of medal for that.
• Getting a date with the most handsome boy on the planet on Valentine’s Day! Who cares that he’s a dog!
Gratitude
• I’m grateful that I’m here with Reggie and feeling really happy about that, as sad as that might sound.
• I’m grateful that Mum’s going to be late home so she won’t be able to ask me about my assignments, which I haven’t done.
Thirty
I haven’t left the house since I came home from Sixth Form two days ago. Mum thinks I’m ill, which is fine by me. She said, ‘I always know when you’re feeling really poorly as there’s no other reason you’d miss taekwondo.’
Yeah, all right then.
There is another reason. I can’t sleep, I feel sick and I have felt that way ever since it happened two days ago. Well, I say ‘it happened’. Nothing happened, but I still had a total meltdown and freaked out before running all the way home crying more than I’ve cried in months. It was so stupid. Nothing happened.
I was walking home along the road that runs along the park. It was the afternoon and nothing was weird about it at all. The bus stopped on the other side of the road and as I walked by, I noticed a guy get off the bus and look at me. I actually have no idea if he looked at me or if he was just looking in my direction, but I still noticed him. He was wearing a hat that was covering the top of his eyes and a long dark jacket. His rucksack looked older than me and he definitely needed to shave. There was just something about him that made me look twice.
As I looked back, he was crossing the road and heading in my direction. I’m sure he looked at me again. I reached for my phone and it wasn’t in my pocket which made my heart race even faster. I had promised Mum and Jane that when I was walking on my own I would never listen to my iPod, I wouldn’t text or message on my phone, I would stick to main roads and I would make sure I had quick access to my phone so I could call someone if I was worried or needed help. I always had my phone in my pocket so where was it?
I sped up and could hear him walking quickly behind me. Nobody else was around and I had nowhere to go but keep walking. I could feel every inch of me starting to panic and where the hell was my phone? I needed to call someone. I needed to be ready to phone 999. I NEEDED MY PHONE.
The last thing I did at Sixth Form was show Frankie a picture of Reggie trying to climb a tree after a squirrel. I don’t think she cared but she was nice enough to look at the picture and say he was cute: stupid, but cute. I only heard ‘cute’. I must have just thrown my phone in my bag with my books and pens. It had to be in my bag.
As I dropped my rucksack off my shoulder to reach inside for my phone, the man walked past me. He was too close to me and I could smell him as he must have been just millimetres away. I froze.
He didn’t even look in my direction. He was staring down at the ground and marching straight ahead. I am not sure he even noticed me. I couldn’t move.
Then I cried.
What the hell was that about? After what felt like forever, I could see that he was in his own little world, walking so fast that he was already turning on to the main road that leads to the other side of the park. He was no threat to me at all and never had been. I found my phone but had no idea who to call. What would I say? ‘A man just walked past me on the street.’ I’m not sure that anyone would care. I felt stupid but clung on to my phone as I made my way home.
I don’t remember the rest of the journey home but I was still crying as I climbed the stairs and got into bed. Mum came home and asked what was wrong, but quickly left me alone when she realised she didn’t have long to take Reggie for his walk before it got really dark. She brought me some toast and a drink of water but I wasn’t hungry and she said she’d stay in so if I needed anything, she’d be there. I pretended to be asleep whenever she came to check on me. It was a great way of being left alone, but it also meant she wouldn’t let Reggie in. I could hear her talking to him. ‘Ahh, gorgeous boy, she needs her rest so you’ll have to settle for cuddles with me instead.’ I really wanted Reggie cuddles!
As Mum left for work this morning, she said that if I was still poorly when she got home she was going to call the doctor. I’ve sent her a text saying I feel a bit better, which is sort of true, but I’m scared it will happen again. I totally freaked out and there was no reason for it. I must have seen loads of men getting off buses as I’ve walked around and must have had men walk past me before too.
Frankie has been texting and Katie and Maya have said they’ll come over but I’ve replied saying I’ve got a tummy bug and don’t want them to catch it. That’s always a good excuse and makes sure nobody wants to come near you. They’ll let me read their notes because I’ve missed some classes but I’m going to go in tomorrow. Mum can drop me off on her way to work and I’m going straight to taekwondo for an extra training session in the afternoon. I’m not sure if Mum knows about that as I usually go in the evening. Who cares, I’ve been looking forward to it and it’s the only thing that’ll make me feel better.
I really hope I can sleep better tonight. I keep waking up and then can’t get back to sleep. At least I’m not feeling sick any more so Mum will hopefully be happy to cook a nice dinner as I can’t eat any more toast. I am not going to tell her about this as we’re still not getting on like we used to. She’ll just be pleased that I’m feeling better. Reggie won’t be happy that he’s not spending the days curled up with me, but I am fed up with feeling this crappy and need to sort myself out.
Thirty-one
Seriously, this week can’t get any worse.
It took everything I had to get up and go to classes this morning. ‘You look like death,’ was the caring way Frankie welcomed me back. When I just looked at her and didn’t say anything she added, ‘Sorry, babes, you still look pretty rough, I mean poorly, are you okay?’
‘I’m not contagious, don’t worry,’ I said as I slouched into my seat and tried to find my book. At least I had remembered the right book so all I had to do was open it on the right page and pretend to be reading. I did well.
I had no idea what the lesson was about but I knew which pages I had to read before next week. That was easy enough. Frankie was nice to just be quiet and not keep telling me how horrible I looked. I was surprised by how gutted I felt when she said I looked ‘rough’. It was nice to have company without having to make any effort to talk or pretend everything was okay.
I had some time to kill before I could go to the early taekwondo session. ‘I’m just going to go to the library and get some work done,’ I said to her.
‘You really must be ill,’ she replied as she headed in the direction of the drinks machine. ‘Catch ya laters.’
It was quite nice in the library. I’ve never spent much time there before but it’s where people go to listen to their iPods and doodle pictures while they’re surrounded by books they can’t be bothered to read. Nobody tried to talk to me, nobody cared that I was sitting on my own in the corner, and nobody told me I look ‘rough’. I might go there more often. There was a part of me that didn’t want to leave. I felt safe there and even though I wanted to go to taekwondo, I didn’t actually want to ‘go’. I would be walking a different way and it wasn’t that far, but I didn’t want to freak out again.
I spent ages putting the books away, turning my iPod off and winding the headphones carefully around it. I made sure my phone was in my right-hand jacket pocket so I could reach for it if I needed to. ‘I want to go to taekwondo. I want to go to taekwondo,’ I repeated in my head until I found myself outside the hall and breathed a sigh of relief. I was knackered already as I think I must have looked like one of those weird speed walkers considering how quickly I got there.
I had so much fun. It was amazing. There was a small group of us and we had such a laugh. I learnt loads and just hav
ing a workout and focusing on something different made me feel a million per cent better. Jane would roll her eyes at me if she heard me say that. ‘You don’t mean one million per cent, do you?’ she’d say, and she would start her very boring lecture about percentages. I felt better anyway and I didn’t think twice about walking home.
I wished I hadn’t come home.
By the look on Mum’s face, she had definitely forgotten about my early training session. Sammy was sitting in MY kitchen playing with MY dog.
‘Hi, you’re home, I wasn’t expecting you until later,’ she said in a slightly high-pitched tone.
I replied, ‘Clearly.’
Sammy said, ‘Hi, it’s nice to see you again.’
‘I’m going upstairs,’ was all I could manage.
Reggie followed me as I left, which was good, because if he had chosen to stay with Sammy I might have cried. Looking at the perfect little ‘happy family’ scene downstairs, I don’t think it’s the first time they’ve met.
Reggie lay on my bed while I had a shower and got changed, then looked at me with his big, brown eyes and his super-cute head tilt as if to say, ‘I don’t like him really, I was just being nice. I mean come on, the guy gave me some of his biscuit, what’s a dog to do?’ I should probably stop making up conversations with Reggie in my head. I’m sure it’s a sign of madness.
‘Did you have to be so rude?’ Mum spat at me as she appeared at my bedroom door. Even Reggie looked like he knew this wasn’t going to be fun. ‘You’ve met Sammy before, he was only dropping me off after a meeting and came in for a cuppa. You could have been polite.’ Before I even had a chance to reply she started talking again. Apparently I’m rude and selfish and I embarrassed her. I need to stop behaving like a spoilt brat as Sammy is sticking around even though… ‘I wouldn’t blame him for not wanting to stick around if you’re going to keep behaving like that.’
