by Marie Yates
The good thing was, I didn’t even have to reply because she kept going on and on until she just turned and walked away with her parting shot. ‘And you can cook your own dinner.’ I tried not to laugh, but it looks like I’ll be having toast tonight. I’m starving too.
I can hear that Mum is making her own dinner in the kitchen so there’s no way I’m going downstairs yet. Reggie, the traitor, went running off downstairs as soon as he heard the fridge door open. How’s that for loyalty?
Argh, I’m starving!
Thirty-two
I’ve been spending a lot of time in my room. It got so bad that I even started to catch up on coursework, but now I’m mainly watching YouTube videos of cute dogs and wondering how long it would take to make Reggie an internet sensation. So far, I’ve taught him to roll over, to give me a high five and to beg, where he sits up on his back legs and looks seriously cute. I think we’re going to need to do a bit more than that before he becomes a superstar.
Half term is supposed to be fun, but I’m just not in the mood. It has been a long time since I had to talk myself into getting out of bed, but I’m back in that dark place again. This time, I have Reggie and my iPad though so it’s much less lonely. I have a really long list of things I need to get finished before I go back to Sixth Form. I have to train for my next grading. I’m supposed to be seeing Amie and, at the moment, it’s just all too much.
I missed taekwondo this weekend. That’s when I knew things weren’t right. I wanted to go, but couldn’t. The little voice in my head was saying, ‘But you know you love going, you know you’ll feel better for going, and you know you can do this.’ I lay in bed and cried. I just couldn’t go. Mum must have noticed I didn’t go, but didn’t say anything about it. She still hasn’t really said anything at all.
We were supposed to be going to see Amie yesterday and I sent her a text saying I was sorry but I didn’t feel well. Even though it’s sort of true, it also felt like a massive lie, which has made me feel even worse.
When I said to Mum that I didn’t feel well, I honestly didn’t expect her to go without me. She said, ‘I hope you feel better soon.’ The next thing I heard was her getting Reggie’s stuff together and driving off to see Amie and her mum without me.
I had a text from Amie saying, ‘Missed u but soooooo happy I saw Reg x.’
Firstly, his name is ‘Reggie’, not ‘Reg’, and secondly, I might as well not bother. If it’s all about seeing him, then Mum can do what she likes with Amie and I can stay here. I don’t need the hassle and have got loads to do. There are so many cute puppies on the internet I haven’t seen yet, skateboarding dogs who need my attention and that’s before I even get started on the other animals doing cute stuff.
What is it about Reggie that makes everything so much better? I know that he is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but how does he do this for everyone else too? He has some sort of magical power that just makes everything okay and makes the world a safe place to be. I don’t know how he does it, but it seems to work for everyone.
It wouldn’t have made any difference if I’d been there or not anyway because it’s Reggie who helps Amie to feel better. It’s he who can get her out the house and it’s he who makes her laugh. It’s stupid though because if I’d gone, he’d have done exactly the same thing for me. Then maybe we’d both have felt better.
I am supposed to be letting Frankie know about meeting up this week but haven’t got back to her yet. I don’t want her see me like this and I just don’t think I’ve got the energy to pretend to be fine. I’m not fine. She was nice to me last week, but I know how boring it gets when your friends are miserable. I don’t want to be miserable and definitely don’t want to risk her not wanting to hang out with me anymore. If that happened, I think it would finish me. I really like hanging out with Frankie and really care about what she thinks. I told her that I had some training sessions for my next grading so that she didn’t just think I was ignoring her. Another lie. What’s happening to me? Am I now the sort of person who lies to people I care about?
I don’t want to be this person.
Before Mum left for work, she took Reggie out and came up to tell me that she’d walked him. ‘If you’re feeling ill, it’s one less thing for you to worry about,’ she said. She then hit me with, ‘If you need some time to think about the future and how you’d like it to be, Jane’s said you can spend half term at her place.’
WHAT? So, they’ve been talking about all this, which is not surprise, but is it that bad that I might be getting sent to Jane’s for some sort of intervention. Yep, I’ve been watching too much crap TV now I’m using words like ‘intervention’. Seriously, like, do I need to go to Jane’s like some sort of naughty kid being sent away to learn how to behave properly. I bet Mum just wants the place to herself to play happy families with Sammy and my dog. If I could take Reggie with me to Jane’s then I might think about it, but there’s no way I’m going there to be talked at for a week. No way. NO.
So much for a fun-filled half term. I’m lying under the duvet, with Reggie using the end of the bed for his personal washing area and I reckon there’s more than enough videos I haven’t watched yet to keep me occupied all day. I’m not thinking about everything else because it’s just too hard at the moment.
Thirty-three
Apparently I have to get used to Sammy being around. Mum started off being nice about it all, tried to do things properly by letting us meet somewhere neutral and all that sort of stuff. Now, I think she’s just fed up with me and I don’t get a say in anything anymore.
I’m fed up with me too. I haven’t left the house all week and I feel worse than I’ve felt in ages. I have had some messages with Frankie and Katie but haven’t met up with them, I’ve missed taekwondo this week and the only thing I’m proud of is the fact I’ve finished a couple of pieces of coursework. I was too scared not to, because if I fail, I might have to do the whole year again. How embarrassing would that be? At least I could do the work without having to leave my room.
Mum sent me a text while she was at work this morning. ‘Sammy is coming over for dinner. It will be on the table at 7pm, and you will be joining us.’ I didn’t even get a ‘x’. A few weeks ago, I would have had a nice message about how it would mean a lot to her if I’d be there, that she would just like me to get to know Sammy, blah, blah, blah. Not anymore. Now, it’s just an order to be in the kitchen at 7pm.
I got the message at about 11.30 in the morning, which was great because it meant I had almost a whole day to panic about it.
Seeing my friends was too much, going to taekwondo was too much, so how was I supposed to get through a dinner with Mum and Sammy. I like my friends, I love taekwondo, I don’t like Sammy and right now, it’s not like I’m getting on well with Mum either. I guessed that I’d have to get changed out my PJs too, which was asking a lot. The only reason I was getting changed was to take Reggie out and that was it.
I spent a lot of time wondering if it was worth just going to Jane’s for a couple of nights. I wondered if that was actually what Mum wanted me to do. Did she think I’d hate the idea so much that I’d just leave and then she could have a really nice evening without the hassle of me being there. I didn’t want to go to Jane’s, but I definitely didn’t want to spend an evening with those two either. By about 1:30pm, I felt sick.
I sent Jane a message, ‘Wud it be ok if I come and stay at urs 4 a couple of dayz? x’
‘So your mum told you that you had to have dinner with her and Sammy then? x,’ she replied.
What was I supposed to say to that? I didn’t answer and just carried on panicking. About an hour later she sent another message:
‘It’ll be okay, take Reggie out, come home & have a shower, put on your favourite hoodie and go downstairs at 6.45pm. Make a drink for all of you and ask if you can help. Then, your mum will be happy & you’ll have something to do. Good luck x.’
I cried.
I had plan, which was go
od, but I was still panicking. One step at a time, I still had a lot of time to kill before it was time for Reggie’s walk. I didn’t want to do any of those things, but my only other option was locking myself in my room. That was stupid as it would only make me look like more of an idiot, and there’s no way Mum would have let me stay in my room without causing a scene. The mood she’s in at the moment is a bit scary.
YouTube was the answer. The afternoon went really quickly, which was annoying. It never goes that quickly when I’m trying to get coursework done, or when I’m at Sixth Form. I went out with Reggie for an hour, and didn’t give dinner a second thought. As usual, Reggie worked his magic and made me laugh while I was doing my best to keep him out of the pond. I thought that if I went home with a soggy, stinking dog, Mum would think I’d done it on purpose. A part of me that thought it would be funny, but was probably not the best idea I’d ever had.
We made it home without too much mud and a quick dry off was all he needed. While he started his post-walk washing routine, I started mine. I heard Mum’s car pull up on to the drive and raced to the shower. Talking to her before dinner wasn’t part of the plan and I couldn’t deal with her nagging at me.
Showered, changed and ready. I had run out of excuses to stay upstairs so had to go downstairs. I went down to the kitchen, practicing what Jane had told me to do.
‘Hi, would anyone like a drink?’ I said as I walked into the kitchen. I forgot to wait for an answer before I then said, ‘Can I help with anything?’
‘Drinks would be perfect, thank you,’ Mum said. I was given the order. I made drinks and sat with Reggie as they made small talk, asking me about taekwondo and how much coursework I had to do.
It wasn’t as painful as it could have been. I was polite, I didn’t say anything stupid and dinner was actually quite nice. It definitely made a change from toast, which is always good. Sammy was making an effort as usual, and I knew it was as crap for him as was for me. After dinner, I offered to sort out the dishwasher so that I didn’t have to go and sit with them, but thankfully Sammy left soon afterwards.
I think Mum’s still annoyed though because when I walked past the living room she just said, ‘Thank you for tonight, I appreciate it.’ That’s all cool, but she didn’t even look at me.
I’m back in bed, in my PJs, where I am planning to stay for most of tomorrow.
Thirty-four
Getting out of bed to go back to Sixth Form was hard this morning. It wasn’t the normal ‘I don’t want to go to lessons’ feeling, it was more than that. I didn’t want to see people, I didn’t want to have to make conversation and I didn’t want to pretend to care about whatever we’re supposed to be learning today. It was only the thought of failing and having to start all over again that got me out of bed. It didn’t help that there was heavy rain and it was my morning to take Reggie out. It took me longer to dry him than it did to walk him; mainly because he thought the towel was there to play with and he turned it into a game of tug. At least one of us could just curl up in bed for the rest of the morning when all that was over. While Reggie made himself comfortable, I forced myself to get ready and leave the house.
Frankie met me for a hot chocolate before our first lesson. I wasn’t looking forward to meeting up because I didn’t want her to see me like this, but it was actually really nice. She made me laugh and for a few minutes, I didn’t care about anything else. She spent a couple of days with her army friend over half term and was telling me how she had made an idiot out of herself, trying to prove she was as strong as everyone else. It turns out she wasn’t that strong at all and fell off the tree she was trying to climb up. Luckily she walked away with only a couple of bruises but she said she was so embarrassed.
We were laughing as Katie joined us, but the laughter soon stopped as we had to listen to stories of how amazing her week was with her boyfriend, Cal. Seriously, why can’t she just use his name? Frankie and I nodded in the right places and I tried hard not to laugh as Frankie rolled her eyes whenever Katie wasn’t looking at her.
‘My boyfriend Cal’s going away for a couple of days so I thought we could have a girls’ night at my place,’ Kate said.
‘Why does Cal, sorry, your boyfriend, Cal, have to be away for us to all get together?’ asked Frankie, and immediately wished she hadn’t.
‘You’ll understand when you meet someone special,’ came the most patronising response ever from Katie.
I honestly thought Frankie was going to punch her as I cut in. ‘That sounds good. When were you thinking of? I can bring some food.’ All in an effort to try to calm things down. I then had my own reason to want to punch Katie as I added, ‘It’ll be nice to get away from Mum and her desperate need to try and get Sammy and me to be friends.’
Katie didn’t even try to hide that she was rolling her eyes. ‘Can’t you shut up about your mum and Sammy? She just wants to be happy and I thought you said he was a nice guy? You’re only allowed to come over if you don’t talk about him.’
What was I supposed to say to that? The way I’m feeling at the moment, I’m surprised I didn’t just burst into tears.
‘I’ll text you when I’ve sorted things with Mum,’ Katie said as she walked away. She didn’t seem to notice that neither of us said goodbye and that Frankie had quite a scary look on her face. I was glad I hadn’t annoyed Frankie as even though she might not be great at tree climbing, I wouldn’t want to put her strength to the test.
‘How dare she say that to you?’ Frankie said, once Katie was out of sight. ‘Mate, I know it’s hard with Sammy and you can talk about it as much as you like. If Katie won’t listen because she’s too wrapped up in her own sad little relationship, that’s not friendship. I’m here, anytime.’
Then I really could have cried. I almost did and Frankie must have seen it as she put her arm around me and said, ‘Come on, loser, it’s time to go.’
I don’t know how she does it but she made me laugh, she made me feel safe and for the first time in ages, I felt happy.
The day didn’t go too badly after that. I got some results back and even though I know I can do better, I’m not failing. It’s annoying because as soon as I saw the grades, I felt motivated to work harder. I know I can do better.
Now that I’m back home, sitting in my room with a whole evening free to do the work, I can’t motivate myself. I had a text from Katie about the girls’ night. I’m going to go, but only because Frankie is going. It’ll be nice to see everyone and if I don’t go, I’ll only be sitting in my room feeling lonely. I obviously won’t dare to talk about Sammy, but I bet I’ll have to spend most of the night listened to stories about Cal. I might take bets on how long it takes Frankie to punch Katie. That will keep us all entertained!
I think Katie said that she’d be getting some films for us, so hopefully we’ll have a break from her stories while the film is on. It’s about all I have to look forward to at the moment, so I’m going to go, not think about anything else, and just try and be ‘normal’ for the night. It’ll be fun, I hope.
Thirty-five
I’m in my room. I’m not leaving and I don’t know what to do.
I went to Katie’s last night. Everything was great, especially after what she had said earlier this week. Frankie was chilled and I wasn’t even thinking about Sammy so definitely wasn’t talking about him. Even Katie was back to her old self and having a laugh without constantly talking about Cal. It was amazing to have everyone together again. Callie was making us laugh as she had to race out and get nappy rash cream. She said it was the best way to help her new tattoo heal. That sounded pretty disgusting to me, and Frankie was convinced she got the tattoo just to save her the embarrassment of having to buy nappy rash cream because she actually had a nappy rash. Everything was great; we laughed, caught up on what’s been happening and I got to play with Bailey, who loved me the most because I was the only one who remembered to being some treats for him as well as food for us.
Then it all went wrong.
I didn’t think to ask about what film we were watching. Why would I? When we’re at home, Mum still double checks if there’s a programme that I might not want to watch, she switches off the news sometimes if she hears me coming downstairs and we don’t often watch films together. I had taken that for granted.
I got comfortable on the sofa with Bailey, Katie turned the lights off, told us all to shut up (in a nice way – sort of!) and the film started.
Who would choose to watch a film where girls are being raped and murdered? The opening scene made me feel sick. I was frozen to my seat on the sofa and if it wasn’t for Bailey, I don’t know what I would have done. For one hundred and twenty-seven minutes I tried to focus on stroking Bailey, on his breathing and on the fact I was safe, in Katie’s house and my heart rate would go back to normal as soon as the film ended. It didn’t.
I wasn’t looking at the TV, I was looking at Bailey. That didn’t take away the sound. Luckily, because the lights were off, I don’t think anybody noticed my eyes were looking down. Because Katie had the volume up so loud, nobody could hear me desperately trying to control my breathing. I didn’t cry, despite wanting to, I wasn’t sick and that’s a miracle. It was the longest one hundred and twenty-seven minutes of my life. Almost.
‘Are you okay?’ Frankie asked as the lights came back up.
‘Yeah, all good but Bailey is squashing my legs and I need a wee!’ I said, and I raced up to the bathroom.
‘You could have moved the dog,’ shouted Katie. She hopefully thought my run to the bathroom was because I needed a wee and not because I wasn’t sure if I was going to be sick or not.
I could hear them talking as I was in the bathroom. ‘That was pretty full on, shall we watch something funny next?’
