by Marie Yates
‘Pretty full on?’ I couldn’t believe that they could all watch something like that and just forget about it. I wish I could forget. I was relieved that they were choosing another film though because that meant I could lie on the sofa and not have to talk to anyone. I went back into the living room and the next film was just starting.
‘Switch the lights off, Dan,’ Frankie said as I walked back in.
Nobody noticed I was shaking as I crawled into my sleeping bag on the sofa and desperately tried to focus on the new film.
I heard Katie whisper, ‘Maya, are you asleep.’ Everyone started laughing. Maya was snoring! She was on a camp bed near my sofa and I think she’d been asleep for a while. I pretended to be asleep too as I heard the others go off to the kitchen to make drinks before heading upstairs. I heard them laughing and messing around, but I just couldn’t go and join them. I wanted to go home but I was pretty sure Sammy would be there. I cried.
I couldn’t sleep because every time I closed my eyes the images from the opening scene appeared. I couldn’t get the sounds out of my head. I automatically started to think about what had happened to me. It was the longest night of my life, and when I heard my alarm go off this morning, I was relieved. Maya was still asleep so I quietly packed my things and left. They knew I’d be leaving early because I had taekwondo, so I sent Katie a text saying thanks and left a note saying I’d let Bailey out for a wee and that the keys were now through the front door.
I didn’t go to taekwondo. I came straight home. Mum and Reggie are out; I guess with Sammy. I wish Reggie was here but I am glad Mum’s out and I’m definitely glad I don’t have to try and make an effort with Sammy. I’m knackered but I can’t sleep, I’m hungry but I feel sick, I’m cold, even though I am under my duvet. Nothing makes sense. I don’t know what to do. I can’t ask Mum to come home because things still aren’t great with us and I don’t know what I’d say to her anyway. I don’t want to talk to Jane, but only because I don’t want to talk to anybody. Even with my music on, I can hear the sounds from the film. And even with my eyes open, I can see the opening scene. When I try to think about something else, all I can think of is what happened to me. I don’t know what to do.
Thirty-six
I’ve told Mum I’m sick. I’ve spent the weekend in my room and she said that if I’m still sick tomorrow, she’s taking me to the doctors. ‘You can’t miss Sixth Form without a doctor’s note and if you’re poorly again, we need to get you checked out,’ she said.
I know that she doesn’t believe me, which is okay because even though I feel like crap, I’m not actually sick.
If I don’t get some sleep soon, I think I will be sick though. Every time I’ve tried to sleep, tried to think about something else, and tried to relax, it’s been even worse. The sounds and the pictures won’t go away. I’ve fallen asleep a couple of times, but I’ve woken up thanks to horrible nightmares. I can remember them; it’s him, he’s in my nightmares. I know that he’s in prison and I know I’m safe at home, but that doesn’t help when he appears in my nightmare and nothing makes sense. It’s like that film opened a door in my mind and I don’t know how to close it. The harder I try, the harder it is to focus on something else.
When it happened, Jane told me to break everything down into easy tasks, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I’m too tired to try. Since I got home yesterday morning, I have been in my room with only a couple of quick trips to the bathroom. Mum has brought me tea and toast, which is apparently what you’re supposed to have when you’re ill, or when something bad has happened. I remember being offered a lot of tea and toast after it happened. Reggie is very happy with the appearance of toast but prefers Mum’s toast as it has loads of butter on it. Mine doesn’t. He comes upstairs, watches me eat mine and then has the crusts. He doesn’t even look back towards me before he races down the stairs to find out if Mum has saved him some of hers. She always does. That boy has no loyalty when there’s a possibility of food.
I even did some work this morning, that’s how desperate I was to try to think about something else. It did help for a few minutes, but I was so tired, my eyes were closing as I was reading. I was too scared to fall asleep so started watching something on the laptop. It’s still on in the background while I’m writing this, it’s a film about two friends who are trying to change the world. One of them just asked the other to list five things she’s grateful for. It’s like Jane is now appearing in films to send me messages! Okay, I’ll do my lists and see what happens. Maybe I can start by trying to feel better without having to leave my room. That sounds like a good plan to me.
I’m going to start with the things I’m grateful for, as that’s the thing that Jane says works the best make people feel better.
What am I grateful for?
• Mum not questioning me too much about being sick.
• Reggie coming up to my room to lie with me, and Mum not sending him back downstairs. She still tries to keep the rule about him not being up here, which she knows is stupid.
• Despite the horrible film, I am grateful that I was invited to Katie’s and that I have some friends to hang out with.
• I’m grateful it’s the weekend so it doesn’t matter if I spend the whole time in bed.
• I’m grateful that Frankie has been messaging me. She asked if she could come over but I told her I’d caught a bug and didn’t want to make her sick too. Another lie, but I think it’s better that way.
• I’m grateful for tea and toast being delivered to me.
That’s actually quite a lot!
• Oh, and I’m definitely grateful for my bed, and my laptop.
I feel bad that I haven’t been able to take Reggie out, so I’m grateful to Mum for doing that too.
What next? Success? That’s a bit of a joke at the moment. My only success this weekend is writing this. It is not much to show for a weekend at home. I can’t really think about any big goals either. I still want all of the things I’ve always wanted. I want to work towards my black belt, I want to pass my A Levels and I want to do something useful with my life. Right now though, I can’t think past getting some sleep and maybe making it to the kitchen so that I can have something to eat that isn’t toast. When it happened and I couldn’t sleep, Mum used to make me hot milk and sit with me, just like she did when I was little. She’s sit there and wait until I’d fallen asleep, and I think in the early days, she’d just sleep in the chair next to my bed. Sometimes I’d wake up and she’d still be there. I don’t want her to sit with me, too much has changed and I want to figure this out myself, but I do now want to have some warm milk!
That’s my goal. I’m going to get up out of bed, go downstairs to the kitchen, play with Reggie for a few minutes and then come back upstairs with some hot milk, like a proper big kid. I don’t care, Mum’s out and I know that Reggie won’t tell anyone. He can come and sit with me so that if I fall asleep, I’ll definitely feel safer. I bet Frankie would call me a loser if she knew this was going to be the best part of my weekend. Maybe she’d just laugh with that little smile she gives me when she knows something is wrong, but also knows I don’t want to talk about it. Right, I’m going downstairs!
Thirty-seven
I’m being sent to therapy boot camp. That’s what it feels like anyway. I’m supposed to be up here packing but I just want to cry. Again.
I refused to go to the doctors this morning. Mum came up and said that if I was still poorly, I needed to go. I know that I don’t need a doctor, I just need some sleep.
‘You can’t carry on like this, Danielle,’ she had added
Uh oh, I knew it was going to turn into a full-blown lecture because she called me ‘Danielle’. To be fair, she’s called me ‘Danielle’ a lot recently.
I rolled over in bed and said, ‘I’ll be fine tomorrow, just leave me alone.’
‘You know I’m not going to leave you alone,’ she said in a much softer voice. ‘Please tell me what’s going on with you, I
’m worried.’
That was enough for the tears to start falling. I couldn’t help it. It was the first time in ages Mum had been nice to me. She’d probably disagree with that, but that’s what it felt like. Everything came spilling out of my mouth. Not just the film…everything.
I told her about how scared I was of having a Sammy in the house, about the guy who I thought was following me, and about the film night at Katie’s. I told her that I was having nightmares, and that I couldn’t stop seeing the images or hearing the sounds and that I had no control over it.
‘I used to be able to think about what happened to me,’ I said. ‘And then move on to think about something else, something better. Now, I haven’t got any control over it and it’s frightening.’ My eyes wouldn’t stop leaking, there was even stuff coming out of my nose. I hadn’t cried like that in ages. It was disgusting and a relief all at the same time.
Mum sat and listened. She didn’t ask me anything, didn’t say anything and she just let me talk. I’m pretty sure that most of what I was saying didn’t make any sense, so maybe she couldn’t understand the words, but I didn’t stop talking for ages.
‘Oh, Dani, I had no idea,’ came her words of wisdom when I’d stopped to take a breath. At least she wasn’t calling me ‘Danielle’ anymore, so that was progress. I kept crying and she rubbed my arm saying, ‘It’s okay, we’ll get this sorted.’
The next thing I remember was her knocking on my door with – guess what? Yes, tea and bloody toast. Seriously, I’m going to turn into a piece of toast at this rate.
I must have cried myself to sleep as it was lunchtime when she woke me up. ‘What’s happening?’ I asked, as there’s no way she should be at home on a Monday. ‘Why aren’t you at work?’
‘I’ve taken a couple of days off. I’ve called your Sixth Form and said you’ve got a bug so you won’t be in this week and tomorrow we’re going to Jane’s.’
So, basically, I get to spend today feeling sorry for myself and tomorrow, it’s boot camp. Mum is driving me to Jane’s and we’re spending the day there. Then, Mum is driving home and leaving me at Jane’s for the rest of the week. I don’t get a say in it at all. I tried to argue, saying that I’d miss taekwondo and that I had loads of work that was due in.
But Mum was ready for that. ‘You haven’t been to taekwondo recently so another week won’t hurt and I have arranged for an extension on your deadlines,’ she said. ‘Jane’ll make sure you’ve got time and space to do your work and you can practice taekwondo there too.’
‘What about Reggie?’ I didn’t want to go and spend a week without him. He’s the only thing keeping me sane at the moment although after this morning’s waterfall, Mum might disagree with that.
‘Danielle, you haven’t been walking him recently and he’ll be just fine for a few days with me.’
That hurt. She’s right, but that hurt. She can use my full name all she likes but throwing it in my face that I haven’t been doing my best for Reggie really hurt.
So here I am, avoiding packing, a failure on every level.
Mum must have put my phone on silent when I was asleep because I’ve just seen messages from Frankie. ‘R u okay, dude? X,’ was the last one, after the usual jokes about me being late.
I replied saying I’d be back next week. ‘Dox orderz x.’ Jane is a doctor, after all. She’s not a real one, but that doesn’t seem to matter.
‘Miss ya x,’ she wrote back and that made my eyes leak again.
I miss Frankie too. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me, especially since Katie has ditched us all for the romance of the century and Callie is off having arty adventures and Maya is always doing something musical. If it wasn’t for Frankie, things would be a lot worse right now.
I can’t help wondering if part of the reason I am being sent to Jane’s is so that Mum can have Sammy here. I wouldn’t dare say that to her at the moment, but I’ve never been sent to Jane’s before. I’ll be out of Mum’s way, she won’t have to give me a second thought and she can have a great time here with Sammy. Maybe I’m just being a bitch. Jane’s taken some time off work so that I can go and stay, but why couldn’t she come here. Mum said a change of scenery would do me good. Will it? Me not being here might do her good? She’ll kill me if I said that out loud.
Reggie got excited when he saw me get the big bag out of the wardrobe. I hope that’s because he thinks he’s going on an adventure and not because he’s excited I’ll be leaving for a few days. I can’t believe I’m even thinking that. I definitely need some more sleep.
Thirty-eight
Day one of boot camp is over. The drive here was a bit awkward with Mum making digs about me being on my phone. ‘You could talk to me?’
That was Mum’s epic conversation starter. What am I supposed to say to that?
‘What d’you want to talk about?’ I asked.
I got more annoyed when she replied, ‘Anything.’ What does that mean? Should I talk about world peace, Callie’s new tattoo, or a video I saw on the internet? Otherwise, the things that she would probably like to talk about: why I’m so unhappy and how things can be great with me and Sammy.
I stuck to playing on my phone as that was the easiest way to get through the journey. Mum didn’t stay too long because she said she wanted to get back for Reggie. I don’t think that Reggie was the only guy she wanted to get back for, but at least he was on the list.
How long does it take for a dog to forget you? I’m going to be at Jane’s until Friday evening, so that’s three nights but almost four whole days. What if I go back and Reggie has forgotten me, or thinks I’ve left him and I don’t care anymore? He doesn’t know, does he? All he knows is that I was there, as usual, this morning and that Mum walked through the door, by herself, this afternoon. I wish that there was a way I could explain to him. I actually wish that right now I was in my own room, in my own bed and things were good again. Mum has sent me a couple of messages with pictures of Reggie. She took him to the park and now he’s asleep by her feet as she’s watching TV. I couldn’t see Sammy in the picture, but I bet he’s there.
Today hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be though. While Mum was still here, she was just catching up with Jane. Apparently there’s someone who Jane has been on a couple of dates with so they were both really excited. I’m not sure if I was supposed to hear about it as they changed the subject when I came back in the room. Maybe it’s just me being paranoid but I’m also quite pleased I don’t have to listen to someone else talking about how amazing it is to be in a relationship.
‘Look after my baby girl,’ Mum had said as she left.
‘You know I will,’ I replied, before Jane could say anything.
‘So, what happens now? Do I need to go and lie on a couch or get fitted for a straightjacket?’ I asked Jane after she shut the door.
‘I was thinking about taking you for a pub lunch, but I can lock you in a padded cell if you’d prefer,’ came the reply.
That wasn’t a difficult decision. ‘As long as I can have something other than tea and toast, I’m happy.’
Lunch was great, not just because it didn’t involve toast. It was nice to do something different, talk to someone different and not feel like I had to pretend everything was okay. I really do love my new friends, I’m happy at Sixth Form, especially compared to the living hell of secondary school, but I do feel under pressure to make sure people think I’m okay. With Jane, it was fine for me to sit quietly and spend ages trying to make a decision about what to eat. I have totally lost the ability to make decisions recently. She waited and when I was ready, went and ordered. She didn’t mind that it took me a long time to eat, but did laugh at me when I was able to decide on a pudding much more quickly than I’d been able to decide on lunch. If there’s a cheesecake on the menu, it’s a pretty easy decision for me.
Walking home, I thanked Jane for lunch and for taking the time off work. ‘I do appreciate it, I just wish we didn’t have to do this,’
I said.
‘I’d rather you came to stay just because you wanted to see me,’ she responded, and that surprised me. I’d never even considered the possibility that Jane actually might want to see me. She’s always been really nice to me. She’s been a huge part of my life and I love her like I do my own Mum, maybe more at the moment (!). But I thought I was just part of the ‘package deal’ because she was friends with Mum. Maybe I’m not. Maybe she actually likes me? Weird.
We haven’t talked about much today and that’s been a relief. After lunch, Jane said she needed to catch up on a little bit of work so that she could then switch off for the week. I watched some rubbish daytime television and Jane sent me out to get some milk.
‘If you’re anything like your Mother, you’ll need milk for your ridiculous amounts of tea,’ she’d said. Jane didn’t have any milk in the house at all. What is wrong with her? She drinks a lot of black coffee, which stinks, and I definitely couldn’t last nearly a whole week without a cuppa. Maybe I’m more like Mum than I thought.
While drinking ‘ridiculous amounts of tea’, which was actually only three cups, we spent the evening watching a funny film. We were both still full from lunch and it was nice just to do nothing. Jane hasn’t said anything about getting my homework done, yet. I don’t think I’ll be able to go a whole week without her saying anything, but today has been like a little holiday.
I sent a goodnight text to Mum, not for her, for Reggie, and had a reply with a picture of him lying on his back with his legs in the air, sound asleep. He doesn’t look like he’s missing me as much as I’m missing him.
Thirty-nine
I might need that padded cell after all. Jane has made sure that it’s not a holiday and I’m sooooo tired. I didn’t think that talking could be this exhausting. I wasn’t joking when I said I’d been sent to boot camp.
