by Marie Yates
In a weird sort of way, I think feeling like this has been something that has been ready to happen for a while. There’s been so much going on and I haven’t been able to talk to anyone. I’ve been doing my best to do the things I want to do: taekwondo, getting through Sixth Form without failing, and spending time with my friends. I should have spotted that things were going wrong when I was making excuses and not taking Reggie out. Spending time with him is my most favourite thing to do. Once it also moved to missing taekwondo and then not wanting to see my friends, there was definitely something wrong. I can’t pretend that wanting to miss Sixth Form is a sign that something is wrong as I don’t know anyone who bounces out of bed excited to get to class, but it’s not the worst place in the world.
Being at home used to be my safe place. I love our home and I especially love my little room. Since Mum met Sammy, it hasn’t been the same. I’ve been so worried about him being there, or the scariest thing, that Mum might want him to move in, that it hasn’t felt the same. Jane has told me that Mum needs to know how I feel. She thinks she’s been good to me about Sammy, that she hasn’t pushed me to spend too much time with him and that she’s respecting our home by keeping it ‘ours’. She has no idea about how I feel. Sammy has made an effort to be nice to me and I know that there’s no reason to be scared, but my brain doesn’t work logically about these things. Jane said that I might like Sammy if I got to know him a bit better and then see if I feel like I can trust him.
‘Mum must have paid you to say that.’ I laughed but I know it makes sense. Things quite often make sense when I’m with Jane, but then when I try to do something about it, it doesn’t make sense any more.
While I’m sitting here, I feel happy about making an effort to get to know Sammy. I need to figure out how to keep feeling like this when I get home. I need to be able to tell Mum how I feel without her thinking I’m a spoilt bitch who doesn’t want her to be happy.
‘I’m not talking to her on your behalf. You’re more than grown up enough to be able to talk to her,’ Jane said in support, after I asked her if she’d talk to Mum for me.
Nice. I’m going home tomorrow so I need to get myself ready for the conversation.
I had my first proper night’s sleep last night too. I can’t remember the last time I slept properly. I didn’t have a nightmare and that was amazing.
I talked to Jane about the film, about how I felt I had to sit through it so that the girls didn’t think I was a loser and how I wanted to be normal, like them.
She laughed at the fact I called my friends ‘normal’. ‘Explain to me how a group of girls is normal?’ she asked. ‘They’re so different, they’ll annoy you sometimes, they’ll have things they’re frightened of, and all have secrets, too. So, you’re perfectly normal, if that’s what you’re aiming for.’ Okay, so she has a point. She finished with, ‘D’you think they’d be happy with you calling them normal?’
Okay, Jane has me there. Callie would be offended, Frankie would definitely be offended, Maya is too laid back to care and Katie would be insulted as she thinks she’s way better than ‘normal’. They’re not normal at all. They’re all way too awesome to be normal. Even Katie who is seriously doing my head in most of the time. They all have things that they’re frightened of, even if I don’t know about them. I don’t think I’d be too happy if they described me as ‘normal’ either, now that I’m thinking about it.
I’m supposed to be getting ready to go out for dinner, not writing in my diary. Jane can’t say anything though because I’ve promised I’ll go back to writing in here like I used to. We’re going out with the woman she’s been on a few dates with. She asked me if I wanted to go.
‘No, not really,’ I said as I was hoping to have a final night of chilling out before going home to face the music.
‘She’s a black belt in taekwondo,’ Jane replied.
‘Yes, I’ll be ready. What time? She sounds amazing.’
I’m quite easily impressed apparently. She can’t be an idiot if she has her black belt.
‘If Sammy had a black belt maybe I’d have liked him from the start,’ I said to Jane, half-joking.
So, before I go and annoy this poor woman with thousands of questions, I need to do this:
Goals
• It’s May and I have my red belt in taekwondo – the April deadline has slipped a bit, but that’s okay.
• By the end of this weekend, I’ll have my three assignments finished – thanks to being at boot camp, I’ve already done most of them. One of them Jane helped with so I’d better get a good grade.
• I have walked Reggie every day for a month – this is the one thing that I need back in my life as soon as I’m home. Walking him is amazing as we have a laugh together, but it also means I have to leave the house and get some exercise and fresh air. Once I’m back in the routine, it’ll be fine.
Success
• I slept through the night – I sound like a baby!
• I’ve talked to Jane about things – which is a success to me as last week I couldn’t imagine talking to anyone about anything.
• I’ve done a lot of work to make sure I’m (nearly) up to date with assignments.
• I’ve practiced my taekwondo moves every day – I can’t wait to get back to training on Saturday.
Gratitude
• I am grateful to Jane; she didn’t have to take time off to help me. I am glad she did.
• I’m grateful to Mum for lying for me! I haven’t had to worry about Sixth Form or what my friends think. I can go back next week and just say I feel better, which is true.
• I’m grateful to Frankie for keeping in touch and sending me ‘get well’ messages. I have heard from Katie too, once, which to be fair, was amazing as she didn’t mention Cal, her boyfriend!
Forty
The journey home was a lot better than the journey here on Tuesday. Mum brought Reggie to come and pick me up. Jane wasn’t thrilled as he was bouncing all around her kitchen but I could have cried at how excited he was to see me. I think I’ve run out of tears, so instead, I went to take him for a walk while Mum and Jane talked.
‘Tell Mum all about Lucy,’ I said as Reggie dragged me out of the front door. ‘OMG, she’s seriously awesome.’
It’s true, she really is awesome. I had the best night, and felt sorry for Jane because she didn’t really get to talk to Lucy at all. They haven’t been seeing each other very long, but Jane said she thought Lucy would help motivate me to carry on with taekwondo. She definitely did that. Lucy still trains every week and is now going to be an instructor. She said I could train with her next time I’m staying with Jane, if I want to. Of course I want to!
‘So, you approve of Lucy then?’ Jane asked as we walked back into her house.
‘She’s amazing,’ I said, and meant it.
It’s nice that Jane’s with someone and is happy.
Mum started to pack up the car and Jane whispered, ‘It was just dinner, and a chat to get to know someone. There’s no reason why you couldn’t do that with Sammy too.’
Why does everything have to come with a lecture when I’m with Jane?
‘That’s true, but I haven’t got anything in common with Sammy,’ I argued.
‘You both like your mum,’ was her stupid response to that. Great so I can start with that when I go and make an effort with Sammy, that’s helpful.
Being out with Reggie was the best end to my boot camp. I was sad to say goodbye to Jane, but so pleased I was reunited with my favourite boy, I couldn’t wait to leave. I have learnt that it takes more than four days for a dog to forget about you, so that’s a relief.
‘You’re sounding more like Jane than ever,’ Mum said, after I told her about how amazing the evening with Lucy was. ‘So, you’ll be going back to taekwondo tomorrow?’ she added.
‘Can’t wait to get back into it all,’ I replied. ‘I want to train harder than ever.’
‘I have a plan for us tomorrow when you�
��re back, just you, me and Reggie.’ I decided not to interrupt her by asking what it was while she was in full flow. ‘…Then on Sunday, we’re booked in with Amie, if that’s okay?’
I’m looking forward to seeing Amie actually. I feel like I’ve been letting her down because I’ve felt rubbish, so it’ll be good to see her and find out how she’s doing.
I thought Mum was going to crash the car when I said, ‘I’ll need a little bit of time to finish my assignments too.’
Mum collected a takeaway on the way home, which sent Reggie into excitement overdrive in the back of the car. He was disappointed when we got home and he found out it wasn’t for him. He looked to me, then to Mum, then back to me hundreds of times while we ate. He does the most amazing ‘please feed me’ face which I find very hard to resist. I saved him some chicken and rice, which he inhaled, and then went to focus on what Mum had left. Once again, his loyalty was very much food related.
After Reggie had double-checked every inch of the carpet in the hope that we’d dropped a grain of rice, he settled down by my side, took a deep breath and slept soundly for the rest of the evening.
‘He missed you,’ Mum assured me. ‘He was looking for you at first, checking your room and looking around the house.’
That made me happy and sad at the same time. I was pleased that he cared enough to notice, but then felt bad that he was upset.
‘He’ll be very happy you’re home now, and so am I,’ Mum added.
‘It’s nice to be home,’ I said, and I meant it. It does feel good to be home. While everything was relaxed, I forced out, ‘I’ll make more effort with Sammy.’ I know that I should probably tell Mum how I’m feeling but I’m so tired from all the talking with Jane, I just wanted to relax.
‘I’d appreciate that, and so would Sammy. He’s a nice guy and I think if you get to know him, you’d like him too.’
Maybe it’s that simple. Maybe if I just try to get to know him, like Jane said, then I’ll feel safer about him being around. Mum’s going to arrange something so we can go out for dinner. I’m happy about that as we can start over.
It’s really nice to be back in my own bed!
Forty-one
I probably won’t be telling my friends about today, but I’ve had a really good day.
The first amazing thing was that I slept really well and didn’t have a nightmare. Well, if I did, I don’t remember it which is good enough for me. It was brilliant to be back in my own room but I was a bit scared the same thing would happen again. My alarm went off so that I could eat and get ready for training and it was a little while before I even realised that everything was okay. That’s got to be a good sign that I’m feeling better.
Taekwondo was tough. My body didn’t like it but my brain was loving it. Taking some time off hasn’t helped my fitness at all and I noticed that I was slower in some of the moves. That’s a lesson for me about making sure I don’t miss sessions like I’ve done these past few weeks. I’ll never get my black belt if I carry on like this. I’m really sore now, but it’s quite a nice ache. It means I’ve done something positive and worked my body.
I’m pleased with myself for going even though I was a bit nervous when I walked in. Everyone was really nice, they asked how I was and asked if I was feeling better, then we got on with the session. One of the things I love about this group is that everyone is there for the same reason and there’s no drama. Once I said I was feeling better and thanked them for asking, that was it, we started to warm up and everything was back to normal.
My instructor said that I had some work to do if I was aiming to go for my next grading in May. ‘It’s doable, if you want it badly enough,’ he said. It was all he needed to say to get me working hard. I really do want it. Badly.
Next came Mum’s plan for an afternoon out. When I got home, she was waiting with a picnic box and Reggie was much more excited than usual. Mum said that was because he’d seen sausage rolls go into the picnic box and he wasn’t sure what he needed to do in order for her to take them out again. I bet he was really just waiting for her to leave the kitchen so that he could break into the box and eat the lot.
‘Get yourself ready as quick as you can, Reggie is going to explode if he doesn’t get a sausage roll soon,’ Mum shouted up the stairs as I raced to the shower. Who am I to prevent my best friend from having his sausage roll?
‘I’ve entered Reggie into a charity dog show,’ Mum said as we got into the car.
‘Seriously? He’s going to win everything. What are the categories?’
I probably should have asked about the categories before claiming he’d win everything, as he didn’t stand a chance in ‘Prettiest Bitch’. That is an actual category. I took a photo and sent it to Frankie saying, ‘I’ve entered you into a competition.’
She replied saying she was already the National Champion, which made me laugh.
‘You’re sounding happier, are you pleased you went to Jane’s?’ Mum asked as I made an effort and put my phone away.
‘Yeah, it was nice to have some time out and get my head together. It was really nice to meet Lucy too.’
Mum jumped on that and said, ‘Well, speaking of relationships, would you like to come out for dinner with Sammy tomorrow after we’ve seen Amie?’
I’m pretty sure we weren’t talking about relationships, but I just said, ‘Sure, where’re we going?’ I carried on reading the event list while Mum had a conversation with herself about which pub she’d rather go to. ‘Anywhere with cheesecake is good with me,’ I chipped in, but I don’t think she was listening.
Reggie was a superstar at the dog show. It was a charity thing for a local rescue centre and we found out that in a few weeks there’s another show for the rescue centre Reggie came from. ‘I’d love to take him so that they can see how happy he is,’ I said to Mum.
‘Do you think he’ll get upset and think we’re taking him back,’ she replied.
One of the volunteers overheard us and Mum got really embarrassed when he said, ‘Don’t worry, it’s at a local community farm, not at the rescue centre itself so he’ll be just fine.’
Walking away, Mum reassured me. ‘I was only joking.’ But I wasn’t convinced, and nor was the man volunteering.
We walked away with first prize in the ‘Most Handsome Male’ category and third prize in the ‘Best Trick’ category. Obviously, the ‘most handsome male’ was going to go to Reggie, that was never in question and I’m definitely not biased. I was really pleased with the third place too and I think Mum might actually have cried.
When we first tried, Reggie got a little bit distracted and tried to get one of the other dogs to play with him. Luckily he came back and we did our whole repertoire of tricks (only four, but that’s not bad for beginners) and he was amazing. First place went to a guy who pretended to shoot his Jack Russell and the cute little dog did the best acting I’ve ever seen. He literally jumped, fell backwards and lay still until the guy called him. We couldn’t compete with that, but next year, we’re going for the win. I’m not sure Reggie’s got the competitive edge he needs as he was playing with the Jack Russell as soon as he could and even shared his third place treats. So cute.
I’m now up in my room while Mum’s on the phone to Sammy sorting out tomorrow’s dinner plans. I’m feeling all right about it all at the moment and am looking forward to seeing Amie tomorrow too. It’s amazing what a difference a week makes.
Forty-two
Today has been mixed, but on the positive side, if this had happened a couple of weeks ago I’d probably have had a complete meltdown and not been able to cope at all.
Check me out looking for the positives, Jane would be impressed.
After a walk in the sun with Reggie, I was feeling really good and excited about seeing Amie. Reggie was all set for his day out and Mum was already talking about how excited she was about dinner later.
All was well, until we got to Amie’s house, knocked on the door and Nina was there. I haven’
t seen her for ages and the second I saw her, I felt like crap. The Queen Bully of my horrible year at the local secondary school was looking at me and was about as pleased to see me as I was to see her.
‘Hey, Amie’s upstairs,’ she said. I’ll go and get her.’ She turned and walked up the stairs.
I was holding on to Reggie’s lead and hadn’t realised I’d been holding on tight. He was standing next to me, really still and his tail wasn’t wagging. ‘It’s okay, puppy power, nobody likes her but remember we’re here to be nice to Amie,’ I whispered, and I knelt down beside him. His tail started wagging again and he was definitely much happier when he saw Amie appear at the top of the stairs.
My heart rate returned to normal as Mum said, ‘It’s such a nice day, we’ve brought some food so why don’t we head straight out to the park?’ I was so relieved. Seeing Nina was a surprise I didn’t need just as things were starting to get better. It’s not like she’s done anything to me since I’d started meeting up with Amie but it doesn’t change the fact she made my life a complete misery.
Amie raced out to greet Reggie and along with her mum and another bag of food, we all climbed into the car.
‘Nina said she didn’t want to come with us,’ Amie revealed as we drove away.
I saw Mum looking at me in the mirror and I managed to say, ‘That’s cool, there’s no room in the car anyway.’ Which was about as relaxed as I was able to be. I don’t think Nina would ever choose to spend the day with us, but even the thought that she might, sent me into a minor panic.
Amie’s mum changed the subject, asking me if I was feeling better and how Sixth Form was going. Nina wasn’t mentioned again and by the time we’d got to the park, I had decided to just be pleased with myself for not totally freaking out.
It was a good day. Amie was doing really well, was back at school and was excited to tell me that she was sort of seeing a guy at her school. ‘It’s really early days and he’s really relaxed so we’re just hanging out at the moment.’
