by Marie Yates
She sounded really grown up and for a moment I felt like the kid. Everyone around me was starting relationships and for me, it has just never happened. How could Amie be so relaxed about it?
‘It’s just like having a really good friend whom you also want to kiss,’ she added, which is probably the best explanation I’ve ever heard.
I told her about Katie and how she’d become obsessed with her boyfriend and asked her not to get like that.
‘She’s being a total loser,’ said Amie. Her insightful comments just flowed as if she was the older, wiser person in the discussion.
‘A friend whom you also want to kiss.’ Maybe that did make a lot of sense.
Reggie stopped that thought developing by running up to us and dropping his soggy tennis ball in Amie’s packet of crisps. He couldn’t have timed that any better. She was not happy, and even less happy when he then stuck his giant dripping wet nose in the packet of crisps because he wanted to play and she was too slow in throwing the ball. Out came the tennis ball and he ran off to entertain himself while Amie sulked because there weren’t any more crisps she could have. Maybe she’s not the grown up after all!
Back home, with a tired Reggie, all I wanted to do was go and lie on the sofa. I had a text from Jane wishing me luck for tonight and thought I’d feel more awake and ready to make an effort after a shower. By the time we got to the pub, I was so hungry that I’d almost forgotten I also had to be nice to Sammy. Because we’d been so busy, I didn’t have time to worry about dinner and I think that helped. I tried to see Sammy as Mum’s friend, thanks to Amie’s wisdom. We actually had a bit of a laugh and he was impressed that Reggie came third in the tricks. He said he had a friend who could help us teach Reggie the ‘shooting’ trick, so maybe he could be useful after all. I’m not sure what he meant by ‘us’, but I’ll worry about that another day.
Tonight, I am feeling quite proud of myself. A text from Jane made me smile too. ‘I hear tonight went really well, I’m proud of you x.’ Well done me!
What can I succeed at next while I’m on a roll?
Goals
• It’s May and I have my red belt in taekwondo – I’m practicing.
• By the end of this weekend, I’ll have my three assignments finished – done! There’ll be loads to catch up on after my week off, but these three are finished.
• I have walked Reggie every day for a month – so far so good.
Success
• I didn’t freak out when Nina opened the door.
• I was nice to Sammy and actually had an okay evening.
• I’ve done my assignments and can hand them in tomorrow morning.
Gratitude
• I am grateful for Amie; it was so good to see her doing well today.
• Yesterday’s dog show was a lot more fun than I thought it would be and I’m grateful to have the most amazing dog, ever.
• I’m grateful that the sun was shining today so I didn’t have to stay in the house with Nina!
Forty-three
I haven’t written for a few days because I’ve been way too busy. I know that Jane wouldn’t be impressed with me for saying that but I don’t care because I’m feeling really good. This has been the best Easter Break and I’m even looking forward to going back to Sixth Form next week.
I have my red belt. I actually have it. I can’t believe it. After the last couple of months, I honestly didn’t think I’d do this and I’m so happy. I’ve worked really hard since getting back from Jane’s. Meeting Lucy was a push in the right direction too and getting back to taekwondo has helped my head as well as my body. It didn’t take long for me to feel strong again, and I proved that today.
‘Focus and hard work, you did yourself proud today,’ my instructor had said as he handed me my belt and certificate. I felt happier than I’ve felt in months.
I’d turned around to see Mum wiping away a tear as she’d mouthed, ‘Well done, love.’
See, when I put my mind to something, I really can do it. I just needed some help to kick-start me again.
Everyone else had soon joined in. ‘Lucy says congratulations, and I’m really proud of you, x,’ Jane messaged.
Another text came in from Frankie saying, ‘Does this mean u get new pjs x’.
I think she meant ‘Congratulations’! We’re going out to celebrate later, which I’m really looking forward to. She’s coming over soon so we can finish our assignment on nutrition for performance sport. There’s a kind of irony that we’re then going to go out and eat pizza.
I have been looking forward to tonight almost as much as getting through my grading. I feel like I was a rubbish friend when I was in the dark place. I know I was a rubbish friend. I missed Frankie, but I also didn’t want her to see me in such a bad way. I don’t think she would have cared, but it matters to me that she doesn’t think I’m an idiot. It matters more than it has mattered with my other friends.
I’ve tidied up so that we can get through the assignment as quickly as possible and then head out for food. Last time Frankie was here, she spent more time messing around with Reggie than she did trying to get anything done. He was happy with that and will probably be very happy to see her. Almost as happy as me.
He should be tired, but it doesn’t take much to wake him up again. We’ve been practicing some more tricks so that we can try and win the next dog show. It’s not like I can make him any more handsome and I reckon he’ll win that again, easily! We’re not very good at the moment and Sammy has tried to help since he asked his friend about it.
We had quite a good evening last week. Sammy came over for dinner and brought a video link to help with the shooting trick. He tried to let me get on with it, but couldn’t help getting involved. The good thing was that Reggie was much more responsive to me, even though Sammy had obviously watched the video loads of times to try to learn how to do it.
That’s my boy. We’re getting there, slowly. The thing with Reggie is that even when he’s doing really well, once he goes to sleep, it’s as if he forgets everything and we have to start from scratch again.
‘You can’t have exceptional brains and exceptional beauty,’ was Sammy’s way of trying to be funny.
‘No, you definitely can’t,’ said Mum, a little bit too quickly, which made me laugh. I’m still not sure if that means she thinks that Sammy is a bit thick or not very good-looking.
Okay, to make sure I’m getting back on track, I need to do this before Frankie gets here:
Goals
• It’s August and I have my new belt in taekwondo – I’m getting much closer to my black belt.
• By the end of the holiday, I’ll have all of my assignments finished – I still have to do the nutrition one and I’ll probably need to message Maya for some tips about the psychology one, but I’ll worry about that tomorrow.
• I will walk Reggie every day – not only walking, we’re practicing our tricks too. He’s definitely helping to keep me focused. I have started to learn what it must be like for my taekwondo instructor when I just don’t get what he’s asking me to do. It’s the same for me when I’m trying to teach Reggie and he’s just looking at me but not moving.
Success
• Red Belt. That is all!
Gratitude
• I am grateful for my taekwondo instructor for having the patience to help me get this far.
• I can’t believe I’m going to write this but I’m grateful to Sammy for finding out about the trick stuff for Reggie.
• I’m grateful that I have the evening planned with Frankie.
Forty-four
After an awesome couple of days, my sanity was put to the test today. Some people really are too stupid and can’t think past themselves.
Frankie and I were put into a group with another couple of people in class today. I haven’t really spoken to Matt and Adam before and they’re always making jokes through class and making excuses for not having finished assignments. I’m not completely s
ure how they haven’t been thrown out. We were supposed to be talking about the differences between training for football and training for rugby, putting together some ideas about developing fitness and then talking about the impact of contact in sport. With both of these guys being rugby players, they decided to take over and, while I kept quiet, Frankie was trying to make it very clear that she knew as much as they did about the sports. This is where having a dad could have come in very useful as all of Frankie’s knowledge came from sitting with her dad as he shouted at the television. The guys weren’t impressed. It wasn’t long before they were chatting about their next fixture and Frankie and I were attempting to get our heads around the differences.
We were going through the questions that we needed to answer when, out of nowhere, one of the guys, Matt, said, ‘It’ll be a thrashing, we’ll rape them and they won’t even see it coming.’
I froze. I literally froze. I looked down and stared at my feet, wondering if everyone could hear my heart beating as loudly as I could. I felt like the whole room had gone quiet and that everybody was staring at me. I took a breath, dared to look up and the room immediately came back into focus.
Frankie was still writing, Matt was laughing and Adam had already moved on to how he was going to go out afterwards and celebrate their win. As I carefully looked around the room, I could see that everybody else was chatting in their groups; nobody was looking at me and it seemed that nobody thought there was anything wrong with what he’d just said.
‘You okay? Come on, stop daydreaming. I need help here,’ said Frankie.
I was still looking around the room. Seriously, had nobody else heard that? ‘I’m just going to the loo,’ I replied. Once I was out of the room, I ran to the toilets.
This reminded me of last year. I was so scared of what Nina and her gang of giggling freaks would say that I would hide in the toilet and wait until the breaks were over. This was different. They had no idea that what they’d just said made me feel like that, it wasn’t deliberate, but who would use that word? There are so many words they could use. Why that one? Adam had laughed as Matt said it. Do they have any idea what that word actually means? I’m sure they wouldn’t be laughing if it happened to either of them. Do guys find it easier to joke about? I couldn’t believe that Frankie didn’t even look up when they said it. I guess she might not have heard it, but I think I would have picked that word out of any conversation that was happening in the room. It hit me so hard.
Sitting in a Sixth Form toilet is not the best place to try to calm down by taking deep breaths. I’m not sure if it was the deep breathing that made me feel sick, but I definitely felt rough. I needed to get back before it got weird. Racing out to the toilet in the middle of a lesson and being a long time would mean that there would have been jokes when I went back in. Walking back, I tried to be rational. They are idiots. They have no idea about the impact of their words. They are idiots. They will probably be thrown out of Sixth Form soon because they are idiots. They didn’t deliberately try and hurt me. They are idiots.
I walked back in and sat down, focusing on Frankie and ignoring the idiots. They were talking about some new app they had on their phones and didn’t notice I was back. They probably hadn’t noticed I’d gone. They are idiots.
I helped Frankie write up some notes but said that I didn’t want to present anything in front of the whole group. I was proud of myself for just being back in the room, I didn’t want to try talking as well.
‘Jeez, do I have to do everything.’ She sighed as she stood up to present what we’d done. Well, what she had done.
‘Nice job, thanks for doing that,’ I whispered as she sat back down. She rolled her eyes at me, which meant I was forgiven.
Luckily, that was the final lesson of the day so I said goodbye and went to taekwondo. I did think about heading straight home but I definitely needed to punch something.
They really are idiots. I’m proud of myself though, I didn’t have a total breakdown. Maybe one day I’ll be strong enough to challenge them. I bet Amie would have done!
So, back to the good stuff now I’m home:
Goals
• It’s August and I have my next belt in taekwondo – I’m pleased that I went training tonight. If I’d missed it, I think it would have been a sign of me going back towards the dark place.
• It’s half term and I have handed in all of my assignments – I am almost up to date at the moment. I might need to ask Frankie to remind me about what we were supposed to be doing today as it’s all gone blank. I should add that to the ‘grateful’ list!
• I will walk Reggie every day – I didn’t walk him today, but only because Mum was home early and I went straight to taekwondo. I’ve spent time cuddling him this evening, which has made me feel loads better.
Success
• I didn’t cry, and I looked after myself today.
• I went to taekwondo even though I was tempted to come straight home.
Gratitude
• I am grateful that Reggie has let me give him cuddles this evening. Sometimes he wanders off and lies down somewhere else but tonight, he stayed close by me. He knows me so well.
Forty-five
After yesterday, I wasn’t feeling the love for heading back to Sixth Form. I had to go back to the dreaded classroom with those idiots, Matt and Adam, being their macho selves again. It’s not long until we’ve got exams so I have been doing my best to concentrate but I found it hard today. Luckily, I didn’t have to work with them again, but listening to them chatting all the way through class was more distracting than usual. It was like I was automatically listening out for them to say something that would freak me out, like I was on high alert. Frankie didn’t help by counting down the days until our exam and that did make me freak out a bit. At least I was distracted for a few minutes while I panicked about how much revision I needed to do.
‘Maybe you’ll have to miss some taekwondo so you can get all this revision done,’ Frankie had said, when I had finished explaining how worried I was about the exams.
‘Are you joking? That’s the only thing keeping me sane,’ I shrieked.
‘Whoa, I’d question the claim on sanity, do you know how high-pitched you’re getting,’ she argued.
Fair point. There was no way I was going to miss training. I know that going down that route doesn’t help me all. I’ll figure out a way of getting it all done. If those two idiots can still be in Sixth Form, I can pass these exams.
They didn’t say anything that freaked me out today though and both even said ‘See ya,’ as they left the room and we headed in opposite directions for the next class. They seriously had no idea at all about the impact their words had. That shouldn’t come as I surprise to me I guess, it’s not the first time I’ve been hurt by someone else’s words and they either didn’t notice or didn’t care. This time, at least they weren’t deliberately trying to hurt me. I wonder if they’d be bothered if they knew?
‘You’re on another planet today,’ said Frankie.
We were heading off to separate classes. I was meeting Maya as we had Psychology and just said, ‘Sorry, I’ll text you later.’
Frankie wandered off. I watched as she walked away, hoping that I hadn’t annoyed her. Luckily for me, she’s pretty laid back. The opposite to me. We make a good team.
Maya walked over. ‘Why are you staring at her?’ she asked.
‘I’m not, I’m thinking,’ I quickly replied. I wasn’t sure what else to say. Had I been staring? I don’t think I had. I quickly changed the subject. ‘Have you done that assignment?’
I then had another panic about the exams as Maya and I talked about how much we didn’t know. The more we talked, the more we realised we didn’t know anything. There’s no way I’m going to fail these exams; I don’t care what it takes.
I’m supposed to be writing an essay about memory for Psychology at the moment. We had a choice of questions that we could answer and I stupidly agreed to work on
one about reconstructive memory, because Maya said it would be the most interesting. To be fair, it is interesting, but it’s making me think too. We have to talk about eyewitness testimonies and how reliable they are when different words are used to ask the witness about specific events.
‘Can you imagine being an eyewitness and someone being sent to prison because of what you’ve said?’ Maya questioned.
I can’t escape my brain at the moment as the simplest word or question takes me back to thinking about what happened. I’m feeling okay and definitely keeping my head together, but I wonder if they’ll ever come a time where I can think about questions like that without it feeling so personal, or whether I can say something out loud and speak from experience. I’m not sure.
I need to get the essay done, so at the moment, I just have to focus. We’re writing the essay on car crashes, so as long as Maya doesn’t come up with any more deep and meaningful questions, I should be okay.
I’m trying to plan my revision schedule. One thing I’m really good at is the planning. I learnt that from my GCSEs. So far, I have an amazing, neatly drawn out, colour-coded plan. I was about to actually open a book when I had a text from Frankie asking if I was free in a couple of weeks to go with her to a party. It’s a party for her army friend, whom I’ve never met, but heard a lot about.
‘Just u & me, a wkend away x,’ she replied when I said I’d love to go with her.
I feel nervous and excited but I’m not sure why.
I need to open a book so I think, I’m not going to get anywhere while I only have my plan. Even if it is a really colourful plan!
