Sammy & Me

by Marie Yates

  First of all:

  Goals

  • It’s August and I have my next belt in taekwondo – It’s all good, training sessions are in my plan and obviously, colour coded as red.

  • It’s half term and I have handed in all of my assignments.

  • I have stuck to my revision plan every day.

  Success

  • I have started to get sorted to make sure I do my revision.

  • Today, I have been to Sixth Form, walked Reggie twice, done my homework, planned my revision AND I’m about to get started. That’s pretty good, right?

  Gratitude

  • I am grateful that the sun was shining for both walks with Reggie

  • I’m excited and grateful that Frankie has asked me to this party, I’ll need to check with Mum that she can give me a lift, but I’m sure she’ll be happy to get rid of me for a night.

  Forty-six

  It’s been a weird day and an even weirder evening.

  I had lunch with Maya and Katie today, which was nice and almost like old times. We sent Callie a selfie telling her we missed her and got the reply, ‘Love ya loserz x.’ This made us miss her more. I bet she doesn’t care about exams.

  ‘No Frankie today?’ asked Katie. ‘You two are joined at the hip these days.’

  What did she mean by that? It’s hardly like her and her boyfriend, Cal. I’m sure the only reason she was having lunch with us was because he’d got something better to do than spend yet another lunch break with her.

  ‘She went home. I don’t think she’s got classes this afternoon.’

  I don’t ‘think’, I know. I know her timetable better than my own. I don’t know why I felt so self-conscious though. I’m sure I saw Katie and Maya smile at each other as if they’d been talking about me. Why would they be talking about me? It’s the same sort of smile that Frankie gives me when Katie starts talking about her boyfriend, Cal. Why would they be saying anything that would make them smile like that?

  I tried to forget about it while we talked about revision, and what we were worrying about with each of our subjects. I couldn’t forget about it though. For the first time since leaving secondary school, I felt paranoid as if I was being talked about behind my back. This was different and even more frightening because they were my friends, not the evil bullies who hated me from the moment they saw me. These two were supposed to like me and I was supposed to be able to trust them.

  I was distracted from thinking about it this evening, with something else that was quite weird. Sammy came over for dinner and was asking me what I wanted to do when I left Sixth Form. ‘I have to pass my exams first,’ I said.

  ‘Well, if you pass your exams, what do you want to do?’ he asked.

  I liked that he didn’t say what most people say, which is, ‘Of course you’ll pass’ or ‘You’ll be fine.’ They have no idea if I’m going pass or if I’ll be fine. I might fail and have a complete breakdown; they don’t know. Anyway, I told him that I still didn’t know what I wanted to do. But that wasn’t good enough.

  Sammy was turning into a career advisor. He asked if I had thought about working with dogs.

  ‘No, never,’ I replied.

  ‘Reggie certainly responds really well to you,’ he said, which I thought was kind of nice.

  ‘Which of your subjects to you like the most?’ He really wasn’t giving up.

  I thought about it and I couldn’t decide between Sport and Psychology. ‘I’m not sure if I really like learning all about sport, or if it’s just that I love taekwondo,’ I admitted. In reality, I wasn’t sure if I liked sport because I had the most fun in those lessons, most of the time.

  ‘There are a lot of people making a really good living out of Sport Psychology.’

  Where did he get those things from? I was finding it hard not to like him when he came out with stuff like that.

  ‘You could be the psychologist for the Olympic Taekwondo Team,’ he suggested

  Hold on a minute, I thought. ‘Is that an actual job?’ My head was spinning.

  ‘Sure, I was reading about it on the interweb.’

  ‘Interweb, who says that?’ I replied. Mum glared at me. ‘Sorry, I just didn’t know that was an actual job.’

  Sammy was looking very pleased with himself and then wouldn’t shut up about it, but I have to say, he was making a lot of sense. ‘Sports Psychologists help the athletes to be the best they can be,’ he continued.

  ‘I thought that was the coach’s job,’ I said, trying to figure out how it would work.

  ‘It is; they make sure the athlete has all the skills and they work hard together to get all of the practical elements right. Then, the psychologist works on their head! They help them with motivation, visualisation and managing pressure at big events.’

  Okay, so this does sounds too good to be true.

  ‘It’s like what you’re doing with Amie.’

  Sorry, but how exactly is it anything like that? The look on my face must have said it all.

  He understood my surprise. ‘Seriously, you’re not taking her to school or doing any work with her. You’re talking to her. Helping to motivate her to help herself.’

  Where did he get this stuff from? He was turning into a male Jane and he was making me like him.

  ‘You’ve created a safe environment for her. Taking Reggie means that she’s relaxed and can enjoy herself without pressure, which means she’s much more likely to make positive decisions. You could take Reggie to the Olympics and watch everyone relax and then win medals.’

  O.M.G.

  ‘Sammy, you’ve done something incredible.’ Mum’s voice broke through the following silence. ‘Dani’s lost for words, and that never happens.’

  ‘Reggie at the Olympics,’ was all I could say. ‘Could you imagine?’ I had visions of him racing after javelins, jumping in the pool and thinking that the tennis matches for just for his benefit. Tennis balls are the best thing ever in his world.

  ‘Can I go upstairs?’ I said. With a nod from Mum I raced away from the table. I needed to get to my laptop. I needed to find out everything about this and if it was even possible. I hadn’t felt this excited in ages, this positive, this focused.

  ‘Thank you, Sammy,’ I remembered to say before I made the leap onto the stairs.

  He nodded, smiling, while I could see Mum was beaming from ear to ear.

  Okay, I admit, I could get to really like this guy. A ‘Sports Psychologist’. Who knew?

  Forty-seven

  I have been totally buzzing about this whole Sports Psychologist thing. I’ve been so focused I didn’t mind at all when Frankie sent a message to say the party had been cancelled. I had been looking forward to it, but I had also found out that there are actual degrees in Sport Psychology. They sound amazing. One description I read said that I’d be learning about mental toughness, self-confidence, motivation, stress and anxiety. How amazing would it be to learn about these in relation to sport and helping people be the best they can be, rather than remembering the rubbish times when I think about these things.

  If I think about mental toughness, I think about trying to get myself out of the dark places. If I think about self-confidence, it immediately makes me think about how mine was destroyed. Weirdly though, my first thought wasn’t about the rape. It was about the bullies. I definitely wasn’t a ray of sunshine when I started that school, but those bitches destroyed any tiny bit of confidence I had left. If I think about motivation, I remember Jane telling me that I could motivate myself to get out of bed, get up and get showered. That was a massive achievement for me not so long ago! If I think about stress and anxiety, well, the list is quite long of things I could describe, and none of them make me feel good.

  What if all of those things had a different focus? They could be the reason for focusing on good stuff. What could be better than focusing on being brilliant at sport? I feel stressed and anxious before I do one of my gradings, but it’s not a bad feeling, it shows me how impor
tant it is to me. That’s a really different feeling to when I look back at the other times I felt stressed and anxious. I know that I’m not an Olympic athlete in the making, and that’s okay because my goal is to get my black belt, not to go to the Olympics. When I’m training, everything is okay. I’m focused and motivated. When I leave a training session, I feel as if I can do anything. The weird thing is, it’s those same words that have also made me think about the worst times in my life.

  I saw Amie today and it was perfect timing. I told her that Sammy thinks that having Reggie around helps us both relax and make better decisions.

  ‘Oh, so you like him now?’ she said.

  ‘He’s okay, I guess,’ was all I’d admit to.

  ‘He’s right, when Reggie’s with us everything is loads more fun.’

  Fun. Maybe that’s the key. Sport is fun and those words mean different things in the world of sport.

  ‘You know when you’re teaching Reggie a new trick or something, he’s having fun, so he remembers it and then does it again when you ask him,’ Amie said. ‘I suppose it’s like that for us, we have fun with him, so when we talk and decide we’re going to do something, we’re more likely to do it.’

  Is everyone turning into Jane?

  ‘Everyone should have a Reggie,’ were Amie’s next words of wisdom.

  Maybe she’s right. Maybe Reggie is the secret to success. Watching him dancing around with his ball, trying to get a small dog to play with him, I wasn’t convinced! He made us laugh though. He made the day fun.

  ‘I’ve got some homework that I need your help with,’ Amie said, looking at the floor and almost apologising.

  ‘Why are you saying it like that?’

  ‘It’s for a business project. I was going to look at maybe planning to write that book we talked about, only if that’s okay, and only if you don’t mind.’

  I felt jealous. I am really ashamed, but I felt jealous.

  Amie broke the silence. ‘I won’t do it if you’re not okay with it, I want us to do it together but I thought it would be a good project. I know that it’s our thing and I won’t do it unless you’re sure.’

  ‘I think it’s a great idea,’ I managed to say.

  It was a great idea. It was not like I’d done anything about it. I remember that it was Jane’s idea to start with. I was telling her how much I had enjoyed being able to help Amie and that it would be amazing to be able to help more people. It was then that she joked about writing a book. A few days later, I was with Amie and our mums, walking Reggie in the park. It was the first time Amie had met Reggie and we were having a brilliant day. Amie had recently got out of hospital and she had inspired me that day.

  Amie is one of the most inspirational people I know, so I quickly realised that actually, I should be grateful that she wants me to be involved. It wasn’t even my idea to start with!

  ‘Sorry, it just took me by surprise, I haven’t thought about that in ages,’ I said. ‘You should definitely work on this and if you can figure out a way to make us our millions that would be awesome.’

  I could see the relief on Amie’s face and the feeling of jealousy turned in to a feeling of awe and excitement.

  Amie has so much courage and considering that it’s usually she who’s helping me, I know that she could help so many more people too. ‘What’s the plan then?’

  Amie then went into overdrive. She had obviously given it a lot of thought and said that she wanted people to know that there was life after rape. Life could be amazing and there was no reason why things had to be rubbish. ‘You taught me that, which is why we have to write this together,’ she said.

  ‘I would be honoured to work with you on this, thanks for asking me.’

  That was the truth. Never mind goals and success.

  Today is all about being grateful for Amie. She didn’t have to include me and she didn’t have to say those words. I wish that neither of us needed to write this book, but the fact that we’re still here, doing well and being able to write it, can only be a good thing.

  Forty-eight

  Finally, half term is here. I’m supposed to be revising and sticking to my colourful and well-planned-out revision timetable. Instead, I have spent the last hour choosing a new colour for my bedroom. Mum said that I could decorate my room in the summer but she started decorating downstairs yesterday and I got overexcited with the thought of a new room. Well, not a new room, but it will feel that way.

  Sammy was helping with the decorating and I could hear him and Mum laughing a lot.

  ‘I’m supposed to be revising and you’re not helping,’ I said when I went downstairs to make yet another drink. ‘Why is Reggie blue? I’m going to have to bath him.’

  ‘Oh no you’re not. That sounds like another way of avoiding revision to me,’ said Mum.

  Sammy promised he’d return Reggie to his natural colour before he went home. ‘He ran off with a paintbrush when I went to the loo,’ he admitted. ‘And then he bounced around the garden with it, splashing paint on himself in the process.’

  I was sure that was funny to watch.

  ‘Fancy joining us for dinner,’ asked Sammy. ‘My treat.’

  Before I could answer Mum said, ‘Only if you spend the rest of the day revising, then you can join us for a break from all the studying.’

  ‘Sure, dinner sounds great,’ I said to Sammy. I thought revising was probably a better idea than choosing paint colours, even though it wasn’t as much fun. If I wanted to take Reggie to the Olympics, then I had to pass my exams!

  Revision is so boring. Seriously boring. I would actually rather have been downstairs, painting. Mum and Sammy did make an effort to be quiet and I was as productive as I could be, but my mind kept wandering. One minute I was thinking about being at uni and then next I was thinking about writing this book with Amie. How do you even start writing a book? No doubt Amie will come up with a brilliant plan for us now she’s become a business mastermind. Then, what about uni? I am excited about the idea of Sport Psychology, but I’m not so sure about leaving home, and by ‘home’, I mean Reggie. I don’t have to worry about that for a while though and if I don’t pass my exams, I won’t have to worry about it at all.

  Mum brought my lunch up to my room and said, ‘I know that you’re working really hard and I’m proud of you, but it’s okay to take breaks too, come downstairs whenever you want.’

  Luckily, she didn’t see that I was actually messaging Frankie on my laptop and not revising at all. Oops!

  Frankie is not helping with revision. She sends me YouTube links of new music videos that I ‘have to watch’. Then, we start talking about what we like or don’t like about the video, watch more videos and before I know it, I’m an hour behind on my revision plan.

  ‘You’ll be fine,’ she keeps saying.

  What if I’m not fine? What if I fail and have to do this whole year all over again?

  ‘Piss off. I’m going to do some work. Talk to you later.’ I have to send the message to get rid of her. I don’t want to get rid of her, but if I don’t learn something, I’m going to get more freaked out and then I won’t learn anything at all. As soon as I start to freak out and panic, my brain decides it won’t remember anything at all.

  I’ve done okay with my coursework and I know that the exams are only a small part of the grade, but they could still mean I fail. If I totally mess up the exams, I’m screwed. I’m feeling more motivated to pass now that I know I have to get good grades to get on a Sport Psychology course. I still haven’t decided if that’s definitely what I want to do, but it does make a lot of sense.

  Dinner was great this evening, mainly because I got presents! Sammy had bought me two books.

  ‘I know that you have enough to read at the moment with all your revision,’ he said, ‘but I thought these might be useful and help you have fun in the process.’

  Fun, there it is again, I need to have more fun! One was a book by a famous runner who says that her talent in running me
ant nothing until she changed her mindset. The other was a book on trick training for dogs. Awesome!

  Sammy smiled. ‘I know that you and Reggie want to win the tricks category at the dog show, so maybe it’s about skills and mindset.’

  Definitely, Reggie has the skills, I just don’t know how to bring out the best in him.

  I smiled back. ‘I’ve been thinking about what you said and it does make a lot of sense. I like the idea of being able to help people motivate themselves.’

  Sammy looked pleased and said that he was glad he finally said something useful.

  ‘Thank you for the books too,’ I said. ‘They look a lot more interesting than the ones I have to read for Sixth Form.’

  He laughed as Mum made it very clear that the books were for after a day of revision to help me relax, and not as an alternative to revision. Both Sammy and I were then told off for rolling our eyes.

  I started reading the book about the runner when I got home. It’s amazing. She is amazing. She was winning races and was the fastest runner her country had ever seen, but she was so frightened of failing that she started to sabotage her own success. When I told Mum, she said that I’d be sabotaging my own success if I didn’t do everything possible to pass my exams. I wanted to roll my eyes, but she had a point.

  Forty-nine

  I’ll never admit to this, but I’ve had way too much fun at the charity dog show today. I’m writing this having just got home from an amazing ‘End of Half Term’ party, organised by someone Frankie knows from another class.

  ‘Please come,’ she said as she called to invite me. ‘It makes up for the one that was cancelled.’

  I had the best time, but I’m still more excited about the dog show.

  Reggie came second in the trick competition. Oh yes, we’re getting better. Mum was gushing with pride and Sammy came along to support us too. He seemed impressed with our performance. ‘If it wasn’t for the book you gave me, I’d never have been able to teach Reggie those tricks,’ I admitted.