Forever for a Year

by B. T. Gottfred

  “That sounds so hard.”

  “Yeah … it’s, I don’t know, I’m not sure I even like it. Do you always like soccer?”

  “Yes. I mean, not every second. But I love it. Plus Peggy and Kendra are there, and they’re my best friends.”

  “Are things with Peggy and you okay?” I asked, but regretted it. I shouldn’t ask personal stuff. She would think I was prying and hate me.

  “Yeah,” she said, and nodded her head quickly, but she couldn’t look in my direction. I should have never asked about Peggy and then Carolina said, “It’s hard to talk to you.”

  CRAP. I totally screwed up everything. Fix it, Trevor! “I’m sorry. I just wanted … No, I suck, I’m sorry…”

  “No, I love that you asked. You have this great ability to know what’s wrong and I want to talk to you about it, because I want to talk about stuff that’s not just easy stuff to talk about. But I want to sound composed for you, and I’m always so emotional, and I don’t want you to think I’m a mess but I also don’t want to be fake so that’s why it’s hard … Oh my gosh, I’m talking so much.”

  “I like it,” I said.

  “You do?”

  “Yes. I like how fast your brain works.”

  “You do?” she said. Tears, happy tears I think, welled in the corners of her eyes.

  “Yeah.”

  “You’re sooo nice to me, Trevor. I don’t know if it’s real.”

  “You’re so nice to me,” I said.

  “But you’re so easy to be nice to!”

  “Only because you’re so easy to be nice to first.”

  Carolina took in a deep breath, as if she were about to jump off the diving board, “Trevor, I really, really like you.”

  “I really, really like you, Carolina.” I knew we were being so cheesy I’d throw up if I was watching this on TV, but I didn’t care. It felt really good. “Carolina…” I started.

  “Yes?”

  Except I didn’t know what else I was going to say. Was I going to tell her I … No. Not going to say that. That would be fricking crazy. Dammit. Calm down, Trevor. Say something else now. “I want to hear everything you have to say about everything,” and this sounded pathetic, but she liked it. Maybe when someone really likes you, you can’t say anything wrong. Who the hell knows.

  * * *

  She told me about Peggy. How they weren’t talking now and that it was because of me. But she made sure I knew that it wasn’t my fault and that she wouldn’t trade anything for me. I told her about Lily, how great she was, and almost told her about my pain-in-the-ass mom, but decided not to. Maybe I’d tell Carolina about my screwed-up family someday, but only after I was sure she would never stop liking me.

  * * *

  Carolina offered to pay for some of the pizza, but I wouldn’t let her. I felt like a gentleman even though it was my dad’s money. Then we started walking home. I had been planning the walk home since Thursday, so nothing would go wrong.

  First thing: after we left the restaurant, I would take her hand into mine and we would walk holding hands. Except as soon as we left Lou Malnati’s, she crossed her arms. Maybe she was cold. Or maybe she didn’t want me to take her hand. Probably. Who knows. No matter what, no way I could do it now.

  Second part of my plan: we were going to walk home through the park, then over the train tracks, and then, when we were on the train tracks, I was going to stop her and say, “Can I kiss you?” This girl I kissed last spring in California—Lisa—I had asked her, and she laughed at me and said I should never ask a girl, but I don’t know. I like to ask. Isn’t it polite to ask? And the train tracks would be very memorable, I thought. Except I hadn’t thought about her being in heels and she couldn’t walk on the gravel along the tracks, so we had to turn around and walk back to the crossing on the street, which was too busy with traffic. I wasn’t going to kiss her with a bunch of cars driving by and who-knows-who watching.

  So then we were in Covered Bridges and it felt stupid to kiss her in this cookie-cutter village, and I worried I would never kiss her. As I was obsessing about this, Carolina nudged closer to me and grabbed my hand and …

  Make your move, Trevor!

  We walked for a dozen steps or so. It felt so right. So powerful. Like we were two people joined together to take on the world, even though we were walking in a stupid safe suburban development. Then I stopped walking, but I couldn’t look at her. Just ask her! This is strange to stop and not look at her! So I turned toward her, and her eyes were waiting for me.

  “Carolina … can I kiss you?”

  31

  Carolina gets her second kiss

  “Yes,” I said, or I think I did. Wait a minute. Did I? Maybe I just nodded. But even though I had said it or nodded or something, HE STILL HADN’T KISSED ME! So I said, “Yes, you can kiss me.” That sounded so terrible. Like I was a queen or a prude. But maybe not that much time had passed since he asked and maybe I don’t know what I said because suddenly he closed his eyes and started moving his head toward mine, and—I should close my eyes, right?—I closed my lips too and then, because I couldn’t see anything, I waited the longest one second ever, and then his lips touched mine. And we pressed our mouths together, and I didn’t know what else to do and I don’t think he did either, so we pulled away and opened our eyes.

  I said, “That was amazing,” and it WAS but only because it was a kiss with a boy I liked so much, because, really, it was nothing like I imagined. It felt very weird and not romantic and like we had just pressed our lips together but hadn’t really kissed. Just dry and like kissing a friend’s cheek. But maybe that’s how it feels? Oh my gosh, that will be so sad. I’ll never want to kiss any boys that much and then I’ll be alone and, maybe—

  “Carolina?” Trevor asked. “I don’t think … I’m sorry … I was…”

  “Why are you sorry?” I said, calm, but really, I was like: HE WAS SORRY HE KISSED ME!

  “I had this plan and I didn’t do the plan so I think I was nervous, it didn’t feel right and so…”

  “What are you saying?” Don’t cry, Carolina. Don’t cry. He’s about to tell you he doesn’t like you anymore because your kissing was so terrible so be ready and DO NOT CRY.

  “Can I try kissing you one more time?”

  “Oh my gosh, I thought you were going to say something else. Oh my gosh, yes. I want to kiss again.” And then he kissed me while I was talking and his lips were opened this time and so were my lips and so it wasn’t like they were just pressing into each other, but instead our mouths were wet and they slid across each other, and over each other’s lips, and then our mouths closed and then opened again and kissed again, and now I could feel his tongue, so I pressed my tongue against his, and gosh, this was so intense, I felt like our mouths were eating each other but it was exciting and I wanted to eat him more and him to eat me, and my head got light and I grabbed on to his shoulders so I wouldn’t fall, which pulled us tighter together, and he put his right arm around my back and pulled me even closer than that. And we kept kissing, our mouths rolling into and over each other, and our tongues touching, and I could feel saliva going down my chin but I didn’t care, I just wanted to keep him near me.

  I opened my eyes, which you’re not supposed to do, I read, but I wanted to see his face, and his eyes were closed and he was so close, like we had two bodies but one brain, and it was sooo weird, but also sooo nice to feel so close, and then he opened his eyes and our eyes stared into each other from one inch away and our kissing slowed down, and we just hovered close to one another.

  “Hi,” he said.

  “Hi,” I said.

  “That was better,” he said.

  “That was the best kiss in the history of the world,” I said.

  He laughed. “I like you so much, Carolina. I didn’t even know it was possible.”

  “Me too,” I said, and kissed him, but just a little one, then pulled away. He had saliva on his chin, and I wiped it away with my hand without eve
n thinking about it.

  * * *

  We finished walking to his house, hand in hand. I imagined us being grown-up, and being married, and walking to our own house. This was silly to think about, but I couldn’t help it.

  When Trevor and I walked in, it was just after nine p.m. His little sister had been sleeping on the floor by the front closet, a pillow under her head and an iPad on the floor, still playing a movie. She had snapped awake and onto her feet by the time we walked into the hall. She was wearing pink flowered pajama bottoms and a blue pajama top with golf clubs on it.

  “Hello, Carolina, my name is Lily, I’m Trevor’s younger sister. Welcome to our house,” she said, and said my name correctly, and I didn’t know what to say because she sounded more mature than I did.

  So I said, “Hi, Lily. I’m really excited to meet you.”

  “Follow me, let me introduce you to our parents,” Lily said, taking my hand in hers. I followed her into the living room.

  Trevor said, “Lily likes to pretend she’s an adult.”

  “Trevor, don’t be hilarious,” she said, then pointed to a handsome man with dark skin, black hair, and thick eyebrows. He wore gray slacks and a tucked-in green sweater with a collared shirt underneath. He stood as I entered the room. The woman, Trevor’s mom, was blond and curled into the couch, a book in her hand. She was the prettiest mom I had ever seen. It took her an extra few seconds, but she rose as well. Both his parents came over and shook my hand.

  “We’re glad to have you here, Carolina,” his dad said.

  “You’re adorable,” his mom said, which was nice, and I’m sure she meant it nicely, but I wanted to be beautiful like her, not adorable. She had long, thin fingers and thin arms, and I had big biceps and tough hands and I felt like such a little girl or even worse, like a tomboy. She was sooo feminine. Trevor’s mom had everything figured out, I could tell, and she had this very handsome husband, and huge house, and lots of money, and the most sophisticated daughter ever, and then, obviously, Trevor, who was the best boy in the universe. I wanted her life. I wanted to be perfect like her. Gosh. I wanted it so bad I almost stopped breathing.

  “We’re going to watch TV downstairs,” Trevor said.

  “I’m coming!” Lily said.

  “You need to go to bed,” Trevor said.

  “Trevor’s right,” his dad said. “Lily, it’s bedtime. But I think you two should watch TV up here in the family room.”

  “Why?” Trevor asked. I knew. The family room was connected to the living room, which meant they could keep an eye on us.

  “Robert,” his mom said, “don’t be old-fashioned. They don’t want to watch TV with us overhearing everything they’re saying. Go on downstairs. Nice to meet you, Carolina.” She shook my hand and sat back down on the couch. His dad wanted to argue, but instead he said, “Okay, Lily, say good night.”

  “Good night, Carolina. I’d watch TV with you except it’s past my bedtime.”

  “Next time, I’ll come over earlier,” I said.

  “Would you?” Lily leaped into the air.

  “I promise.” And then she wrapped her arms around me and I loved her instantly. I wanted to marry Trevor tomorrow. Not really. But I would if he asked. He had the family every kid dreams of that you don’t think exists. But it did. And Trevor had it. And I had Trevor.

  32

  Trevor gets too excited

  I locked the basement door behind us. Lily might sneak out of bed. My dad may decide it was his job to check on us. This way they couldn’t. We’d be alone. Not that we were going to do anything wrong. We were just going to lie on the couch. Watch a movie. And maybe kiss more. That’s all.

  Our basement has the biggest TV in the house, and it’s always warm and comfortable. The couch is a big L and very deep so you can sleep on it, which I had done a couple times after falling asleep watching Saturday Night Live.

  Carolina sat down, putting her feet up on the red coffee table. I grabbed the remote and sat next to her, our shoulders and hips pressed against each other. There was a thin, soft throw blanket that I covered both our legs with. It was strange looking down, knowing all four of our legs were under the same blanket. That sounds dumb. But it was really interesting, cool, whatever.

  “What do you want to watch?” I asked.

  “I don’t care,” she said, then slipped her right hand into my left hand and squeezed. Man. She always did these little things at the exact right moment that just made me feel so good. Like she was just happy to be here with me and nothing else mattered. I had never felt that with anyone, except maybe Lily. But she’s my little sister, and little sisters always want to hang out with their big brothers. Carolina could be a hundred places right now but chose to be with me, alone, in my basement.

  “Do you like Game of Thrones?”

  “I’ve never seen it,” she said. “We don’t have HBO.”

  “It’s like Lord of the Rings but with more sex and blood.”

  “That sounds cool,” she said. I pulled up on-demand, started the first episode from season one. I had seen it four times. I sat pretending to watch for two minutes, but by the time the opening credits ended, I turned to her and kissed her again. I worried she would just give me a tiny peck back because she wanted to watch the show, but no, she started kissing me right away. Even more than I was kissing her. She was so … aggressive. Which was good. Great. Awesome. It just made me so excited, too excited, and I was aggressive back and our mouths were just so wild that I worried I looked dumb. But I couldn’t stop. It was fun and my heart was beating crazy fast and I wanted to be closer and closer to her. Closer. Closer than we could get and then I leaned into her and she leaned back onto the couch, and then I was on top of her and then …

  Oh. Crap.

  33

  Carolina stops kissing Trevor

  Wait a minute. Wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE.

  I stopped kissing him. I almost laughed. THANK GOD I DIDN’T LAUGH. Because I was scared. I was too young to feel what I just felt! I mean, maybe not if Shannon Shunton was having sex, but this was … I don’t know. But it was something! Right? What did this mean? Does this always happen when you kiss boys?

  “I’m sorry,” he said, and pulled away, off of me, and sat up. He looked so sad. I made him feel so sad!

  “I…” But that’s all I could say. Carolina, say something so he doesn’t feel so sad!

  “It’s just that I like kissing you.…”

  “I like kissing you.” And I did! But then—

  “I didn’t think it would happen,” he said.

  “You’re the first boy I’ve ever really kissed, Trevor.”

  “I kind of thought that,” he said. Oh, he thinks I’m so immature. I shouldn’t have stopped kissing him! I should have just pretended I knew what I was doing!

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “Carolina, you shouldn’t be sorry. I just don’t want you to think … I don’t know. I like you.”

  “I like you!”

  “And I was thinking it…” His eyes glanced down toward his pants. “… wouldn’t get like that because we would just kiss. Just romantic kissing.”

  “It’s not romantic to you?” I asked. He didn’t think it was romantic kissing. Why was I such a dork?

  “No, it was … but it was also really exciting. Really, really exciting…” But he said the word “exciting” like he hated it, but I think I was starting to figure out what he was feeling. Which was amazing. It was almost like I could read his thoughts.

  “I like that you, it, got like that,” I said, and tried to be really serious but I think I laughed a little, which was good, maybe, because he laughed a little.

  “I know I’m a year older, but I’ve only had one girlfriend … and it would get like this but only after we had been dating, like, four months. We never kissed this way. It was different.”

  “Do you want to kiss the way you did with her?”

  “No! No, no, no … Carolina, I mean I didn’t
realize how much I liked kissing until now that I’ve kissed you,” he said, and this was the BEST THING ANY BOY, I am sure, HAS EVER SAID TO ANY GIRL EVER, and I couldn’t breathe, and I wanted to cry, but happy cry. But I didn’t want him to think I was crazy, so I just sat there and looked at him because I loved him so much I wanted to die. But not die! To live forever and ever with him.

  “You’re the greatest boy in the world, Trevor,” I finally managed to say, and it felt so emotional it made me vulnerable, but I decided I didn’t care.

  “You say perfect things, and do perfect things, and look perfect, and I can’t believe you like me,” he said.

  “That was the perfect thing to say!” I said.

  “We are so lucky. I’ve never felt lucky in my life, but I feel so lucky.…”

  “Me too.” Then we stared at each other, and I loved looking into his eyes in the dark, with only the light of the television. It made me feel we were in our own world. Then we didn’t say anything again for a long time and I wondered if we entered a dream, but that was silly, and then Trevor said, “Can I kiss you again?”

  “Yes.” And then I said, “But is it okay if we only kiss?”

  “Oh, I never … I would never…” Trevor felt horrible. He couldn’t look at me anymore.

  “I know. I know,” I said, and I didn’t know what else to say and I didn’t want him to be sad again, so I leaned in and kissed him. I’d planned to kiss him slower, but I didn’t like kissing him slower, I liked kissing him fast, because it made my whole body tingle and my head light, which was okay because I was lying down again, and he was on top of me again and then I felt it against my leg again.…

  Okay, I’ll say it. Gosh. I feel so stupid saying it, but if I’m going to grow up, I should say it, I guess. I felt his … penis … which, you know, was excited … against my leg.… Gosh. That is SO WEIRD TO SAY! But I’d read about this a lot, and yes, I’d seen stupid porn. I’m not, like, a baby, but, you know, it’s just different when it’s actually happening. And even though he had his pants on and we were still just kissing and he hadn’t even touched my boobs—would I like if he touched my boobs? I didn’t even know, but I was glad he was waiting—and anyway, this was a very big deal that I felt my first penis even if I only felt it with my thigh and not my hand and he still had pants on. Then I paused from kissing him, because his penis made me think, which made me say, “Why haven’t you asked me to be your girlfriend?”