Forever for a Year

by B. T. Gottfred

  “Oh … I…”

  “Not that that’s the same or close. But what we did was more than kissing. Right?” I wished I could change my underwear.

  “Yeah,” she said.

  “What we did was a big deal. Right?” Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to her. Maybe she thinks I’m such a dorky prude.

  “Right,” she said. Okay. Good.

  So I said, “But sex is even bigger.”

  “I agree.”

  “Is it strange that I’m talking about this? I feel so stupid talking about it.”

  “I like that you’re talking about it,” she said, which made me feel like such a great boyfriend. So mature. I can’t believe my mom’s advice was so smart.

  I said, because I couldn’t stop thinking about how she had made me feel, “I really, really liked what you did.” Maybe I hoped by telling her how much I liked it, she would want to do it again. That’s manipulative. Don’t do that, Trevor.

  “Really?” she said again. How could she be surprised? She was so perfect at this and everything.

  “Oh yeah. So much. But we don’t have to do it ever again if you don’t want.” Oh man, that would suck so bad if we never did that again, but I love her, so yeah, right, it would be okay. But it would suck.

  “I would … we could…”

  “But we wouldn’t have to,” I said. Stop saying that! But no, it’s the right thing to say. What else is the right thing to say?

  “I like making you feel good,” she said.

  “I love you, Carolina,” I said.

  “Oh my gosh, I love you, Trevor.”

  Part Three

  LOVE FOR THE HOLIDAYS

  47

  Carolina goes to homecoming

  Oh my gosh, if someone had looked at my phone, or Trevor’s, they would have seen a gazillion texts that said “I love you” and “I love you so much” and “I love you so, so, so much” and “I love you more than anyone else has ever loved anyone” and a gazillion more just like those. I’d been copying all of our texts onto my computer, then e-mailing them to myself so in case my phone got lost or stolen I’d have the texts saved. Because someday, like twenty years from now, when Trevor and I are the greatest couple anyone has ever seen in history, we might want to read what we texted to each other when we first fell in love.

  So, anyway. After I told Trevor that we were going to homecoming with Peggy and Henry, he wasn’t that excited. He didn’t say anything, I could just tell. So I asked him if he wanted to invite any of his friends to be in our group. But I only said this because I knew he didn’t have any friends … except Trevor did have friends to invite. Which freaked me out because I didn’t want to upset Peggy. How come I was so worried about Peggy? Trevor texted me that Aaron and Tor, two sophomores from the cross-country team, would also be part of our group. Ugh. Disaster. I didn’t know what to do, so I texted Peggy about Aaron and Tor. Then she texted me back that that was fine because Licker and Jake were coming as well with their dates. (What desperate girl would go to homecoming with Jake? But that’s mean, so I didn’t really ask that.) Then two days later, Peggy texted me and said that Katherine was getting a party bus and they needed more people to help pay for it, so suddenly our group for homecoming was, like, half the school. I’m exaggerating. But it’s for effect. So when I texted Trevor about the bus, he texted me that we should just go with his cross-country friends because they won’t want to go on the bus. Oh my gosh! My boyfriend wanted me to ditch my best friend! I didn’t text him back right away and he realized I was upset, so he texted me a second time that the bus would be fun. He didn’t mean it, but I texted him back,

  ME

  I love you sooooooo

  oooooooooooooooo

  much

  And he texted me back,

  TREVOR

  I love you too

  Which I could tell was not very enthusiastic, which I think meant he was upset about the bus, but I think sometimes both people can’t get what they want and best friends (Peggy) are more important than new friends (Aaron and Tor). So I didn’t feel bad about getting my way.

  * * *

  On the night of homecoming, Peggy wanted me to come over and get ready with her. But Trevor wanted to pick me up. He had just gotten his driver’s permit, so he was allowed to drive as long as one of his parents was in the car. This was really difficult for me. I loved Trevor more than life itself, but I didn’t want to hurt Peggy’s feelings. So I asked my parents at dinner for their advice, which was so weird since I never asked them for advice at the same time.

  “You have known Peggy a lot longer. I’m sure Trevor will understand,” my mom said.

  But my dad said, “Didn’t Trevor agree to go on the party bus for you?”

  “Yeah…” I said.

  “So I think it would be a good compromise to let him pick you up. When a boy first gets to drive, it’s very important, and he wants to share that with you.” Gosh. My dad was brilliant. He was right. I’m so lucky to have him as my dad. And, you know, I think this is why it’s important for kids to have both dads and moms. So they can give you advice on the opposite sex. I mean, I’m, obviously, supportive of gay marriage because we are all equal and everyone should be able to love who they love. But I’m just saying that it might be hard for two lesbian moms to give a girl advice on teenage boys and how they might like to drive a car for their girlfriend. But, you know, I bet if my mom were a lesbian then my other lesbian mom wouldn’t have hurt her like my dad did. So maybe no parents are perfect no matter what. I don’t know. Never mind.

  * * *

  So on the night of homecoming, I wore a strapless dark green dress and black high heels that showed my toes. My dad bought the dress for me because my mom thought I could just wear the same dress I had for our first date at Lou Malnati’s. She just didn’t get it. It doesn’t matter.

  It was the first time I was wearing a strapless dress since I was, like, ever. But last weekend, Trevor and I had hooked up in his basement again and he was great, and we talked about how we wanted to feel our skin closer to each other so I took off his shirt and he took off mine (but I said I wanted to keep my bra on and he was super nice and said whatever I wanted). Anyway, he kept saying what a sexy body I had, and I said, “My shoulders are so big,” and he said, “They are so toned and sexy,” and he said I had a better stomach than he did and I guess that was nice, but really it was my shoulders that I liked being called sexy. I guess that’s what made me get the strapless dress. Even though now that I was waiting for him to pick me up, I felt naked.

  It didn’t help when my mom said, “It looks like lingerie.” Oh gosh, I wanted to change that instant before I stopped breathing, but my dad said, “Our daughter looks very, very beautiful.”

  “Trevor’s going to think sex thoughts,” my mom said.

  “He’s a teenage boy; he would think them if she was wearing sweatpants.”

  “Ugh, fine. You do look beautiful, Carolina. Your mother just … isn’t ready for you to grow up, I guess.”

  * * *

  When Trevor arrived in his dad’s BMW, his dad was in the passenger seat and Lily was in the back. I guess his mom was sick or something. Anyway, Trevor stepped out of the car in a tux with a thin black tie and he looked so, so, so, so amazing. Like there should be photographers taking pictures of him everywhere he went. Like he was worth a million dollars.

  “He is very handsome,” my mom said as we watched him walk toward our house. Lily raced behind him even though her dad was yelling at her to get back in the car.

  When I opened the door, Lily screamed, “Oh, Carolina, you look so incredible. I can’t even believe it.” My parents laughed. They had never met Lily, but you could tell they loved her the second she said that. It’s impossible not to love Lily. Then she said, “Trevor, doesn’t Carolina look like the most beautiful girl you have ever seen?”

  “Yes, Lily,” he said, then leaned and kissed me on the lips. I was worried about my lipstick smearing, but the
n I thought that was dumb so I didn’t worry about it and just enjoyed kissing him. We took a bunch of pictures, by ourselves and some with Lily, then I hugged my parents good-bye and got into the front passenger seat. Trevor got behind the wheel. He looked so old. Like twenty.

  “Look behind you before you put it in reverse,” his dad said from the back seat.

  “I know,” Trevor said.

  “He knows,” Lily said, hopping up and down on the back seat, waving at me.

  “Seat belt, now,” Mr. Santos said to Lily.

  “You’re right, Dad. I wasn’t thinking because I was so excited about Carolina and Trevor’s big night.” Gosh, I love her.

  * * *

  When we got to Peggy’s, Trevor and I got out of the BMW, hugged Lily, then waved as she and Mr. Santos drove away. We were the first ones to arrive besides Katherine and Peggy. Because, duh, they lived there.

  As we walked to the front door, I noticed my bike was leaned against the side of the house where I left it a month ago. I had never gone back to get it. Seeing it there, it didn’t even seem like my bike anymore. Maybe I should get it back someday, but maybe I’ll just leave it here forever like an artifact of a different time in history. Now that Trevor drove (well, at least sort of), I might never ride my bike again anyway.

  Mrs. Darry opened the front door. I’d forgotten to warn Trevor about Peggy’s mom. You know, that she’s the craziest adult in the universe. But she seemed to be a good mood, which was rare. When it did happen she would laugh after everything she said. So as long as you laughed a little too, it would be okay. “You must be the infamous Trevor,” she said, and giggled as she let us into the house. Gosh. But I laughed because I had to. Mr. Darry, who never said anything, was watching sports on the TV and drinking a beer. I didn’t want to leave Trevor alone with the Darrys, but I knew Peggy would kill me if I didn’t go upstairs to her room.

  “I’m going to check on Peggy,” I said, then kissed him on the cheek.

  “No teenage kissing in my house!” Mrs. Darry yelled. Even though she meant it to be funny, it made me feel bad. I still smiled at her because, you know.

  * * *

  “Hi,” I said as I opened Peggy’s door.

  “You look amazing!” Peggy said, and ran over from her mirror to hug me.

  “You do too!” I said even though her dress was cut so low I thought her nipples might show. And she wore so much makeup. Purple eyeliner and super-dark lipstick and foundation even. Gosh. She looked so old, like, nineteen, but, I don’t know, not as pretty as she did when she looked like a freshman. But maybe I was being mean. Or maybe I was jealous that her mom let her wear so much makeup. I was hardly allowed to wear any. It was like I didn’t have any on at all. But I guess Trevor loved me without it so it was okay. But really you also want to look pretty for girls, not just boys. And at homecoming maybe even more for girls than for boys. Maybe. I don’t know. This was my first dance ever. It was exciting. But also a little scary.

  * * *

  So eventually everyone arrived, and the freshmen gathered into a big group together, including the popular girls, Emma Goldberg, Jean Booker, Raina Bethington, and Wanda Chan, even though their dates were upperclassmen. I guess they were still the popular girls, though I didn’t really think about it much anymore. Maybe that’s what love does: makes you forget about being popular. Shannon Shunton was supposed to come, but she was late, I guess. It was weird, but I missed her. Not missed. How can you miss someone you barely knew? But, I don’t know, I just think Shannon Shunton is interesting and I wanted Trevor to get to know her.

  Trevor was nice to Henry, Jake, and Licker, even though I knew he hated them. They kept talking about their football game and how hard Henry had tackled this one boy on Glenbrook South’s team after Henry threw an interception. The freshman team had lost by like twenty points today and had only won one game all season, so I don’t know why Henry kept talking about their team as if they were good.

  So I said, “Did you know Trevor might run with the varsity at next week’s meet?”

  “That’s cool, Trev,” Licker said, which made me remember he was the first person I ever kissed and now he was talking to the second person I ever kissed. So silly to think about that.

  “Yeah, but it’s cross-country,” Henry said, and Jake laughed. Ugh. Now I remembered why I hated them. Trevor didn’t say anything. I wished he would say something. I hated how he never talked back to jerks. He should be tougher. No, he was great. I loved him just the way he was.

  * * *

  After we took a million pictures, we all got on the party bus. We sat at the very front because we were both freshmen. Then all of Katherine’s friends were at the very back. Shannon Shunton never showed up. I texted her to see if she wanted us to wait. I don’t even know why. I had never texted her anything before. But she didn’t text me back.

  The upperclassmen started passing up plastic cups filled with alcohol as soon as we started driving toward the dance. Trevor and I had never talked about drinking. I didn’t know what I was going to do if he started drinking. I guessed I should if he did. Just a sip. I knew he’d still love me even if I didn’t, but I didn’t want him to feel alone. Or maybe I didn’t want to feel alone. But guess what? When Henry handed him a cup, Trevor said, “No, thanks.”

  Henry said, “You should at least hold a cup, dude, so they don’t think you look like a loser.”

  Which I didn’t think was a terrible idea, but Trevor said, “I don’t care what they think.” And oh my gosh, it was like Trevor had just said the coolest line in a movie, like one where the audience would cheer, and I was his girlfriend. And you should have seen the look on Peggy’s face. It was like she knew. Knew Trevor was so much better than Henry. Not better. That’s mean. But yes, better! Henry was a jerk and he pretended to be this leader but really he was the biggest follower and said dumb things all the time!

  But as much as I loved what Trevor said and thought more than ever that I had the coolest, most amazing boyfriend in the history of the universe, after he said that to Henry, we were kind of ignored the rest of the ride to the dance. Licker asked Trevor one question about basketball. But Henry and Jake ignored him totally, and Peggy and the other freshman girls ignored me.

  Then at the dance, we tried to dance with the group except it was weird to dance with people who weren’t talking to you. I mean, this was the first time Trevor and I had ever danced together, and all I could think about was how Peggy wouldn’t even look at me. So eventually, during a slow dance, which was my favorite, I whispered to Trevor, “Want to go dance with your friends?”

  “Sure, babe,” he said, which was the first time he ever called me “babe” or anything besides Carolina. I liked it. I think. He took me by the hand and we walked away from Peggy and the others and I almost cried. But not really. I think, maybe, I was done crying over Peggy. We danced with his sophomore friends and their dates, who were super nice. It felt really good to have people not ignore you, and eventually, after the dance was over, we got in their limo and went to Denny’s. It was fun, but I didn’t feel like I was living my own life. It was like I was this other girl who had never known Peggy or any of those freshmen. Like I was a sophomore girl who had grown up with these sophomore girls and been friends with Aaron and Tor forever and had been dating Trevor since we were born.

  48

  Trevor takes off Carolina’s bra

  The Sunday after homecoming something awesome happened. My parents took Lily downtown like she had been begging them to do for months. I was supposed to go, but I said I was too tired after the dance. I invited Carolina over and her mom dropped her off. As soon as she walked through the front door, I kissed her. I was so excited, I had to keep kissing her right there. We made out in my living room, which we had never done. It felt strange, and Carolina kept thinking my parents would come home. It felt dangerous, not dangerous, I suppose, but thrilling. Which made it more fun and made me want to keep kissing her even more. I repeated, ove
r and over, that my parents would be gone all day. Then we took off our shirts. And she reached down my pants. Which felt incredible, like always, but … I don’t know. I wanted a new kind of incredible too.

  I said, “Can I take off your bra?”

  “Why?” she asked.

  “I want our skin to touch everywhere.”

  “Our stomachs touch.”

  “I want our chests to touch.”

  “But … my boobs are small.”

  “I love your body,” I said.

  “I don’t want to have sex.”

  “Me either.” Which was true. I swear. I wouldn’t even know what to do.

  “Okay.” She reached behind her back to unlatch her bra.

  “Can I do it?”

  “Okay,” she said, so I reached behind except I couldn’t figure it out. “Want some help?” she said, and laughed. I loved when Carolina laughed, especially when we were, you know, making out and stuff. It made me think she enjoyed it as much as I did. She reached again behind and both our hands undid the bra together.

  Then she slid it off and there she was, Carolina, and her naked boobs. They were small. She was right. They didn’t look anything like what I saw on the internet.

  “You think they’re small, don’t you?” she said, then I looked up and saw her eyes, and the hurt, and I wanted to never see her hurt again.

  “No, they’re sexy.”

  “They’re not sexy. They’re small.”

  “They’re perfect,” I said.

  “You’re just saying that because you love me.”

  “Can I touch them?”

  “You’ve touched them before.”

  “Yes, but never without your bra.”

  “Yes, silly, you can touch them.”

  So I did. And then I kissed her. And then I pulled her against my chest and I loved the feel of her cool nipples against mine. I wanted our bodies so close there was not even one millimeter of air between them. “This feels so good,” I said when we took a break from making out.