Forever for a Year

by B. T. Gottfred

  to bed and turning off my phone.

  Crap. Why did I do that? Why make her think I was mad at her? Even if I was, I shouldn’t let her worry all night I was mad. I shouldn’t. But … I wanted her to never text whoever she texted on New Year’s Eve ever again. And maybe she needed to worry all night so she never would. It’s a horrible thing to do, to torture your girlfriend like that, but maybe that’s what you have to do so she doesn’t take you for granted.

  59

  Carolina finds out who is sad

  Trevor knew. He knew. Oh my gosh. How could he know? I quadruple-checked that I erased all of Alexander Taylor’s texts. He couldn’t know. But why else would he be mad at me?

  He totally knew.

  Oh my gosh. I was going to lose Trevor. He was going to dump me. If I were him, I would dump me. I deserved it. Even if all I did was text, it was still cheating. I knew it in my heart. I deserved to be dumped. I deserved to lose the greatest boyfriend I’d ever have. That ANY girl ANYwhere could EVER have.

  At school on Friday, I tried to look really pretty. I usually didn’t try so hard for school because, well, I knew Trevor would love me no matter what, but today I tried really hard because I didn’t know if he loved me anymore. As soon as he arrived at biology class, I couldn’t breathe. I mean, I could. But it was like I couldn’t breathe. He sat down next to me.

  I leaned over and I said, “Please tell me what’s wrong.”

  “Not at school.”

  “Oh my God, you hate me.”

  “I don’t hate you.”

  “Then why won’t you tell me?”

  “Because.”

  “Because why?” I whined. Whined. I thought I would never whine again. This is why I should never do anything wrong. I should never lie or cheat or even think bad thoughts because then I become this pathetic person. Like I was right that second.

  “Carolina … tonight.” Then Trevor took out his notebook and just ignored me the rest of class. Then he ignored me in history. And he sat with his sophomore friends at lunch. I sat with Kendra, which was fine, but, oh my gosh, Trevor and I were breaking up. Weren’t we? Weren’t we?

  * * *

  “What’s wrong?” Kendra asked. She always knew when something was wrong. It was like she was Peggy, but the old Peggy.

  “Trevor is breaking up with me.”

  “What are you talking about?” Kendra scooted close to me and whispered, “He’s not really breaking up with you, is he?”

  “I don’t know.… He’s not talking to me and he says we have to talk about something serious, but we have to do it not at school and I feel like I can’t even see straight.”

  “Did you do something?” Kendra asked. Why would she ask that? Why couldn’t Trevor just be being a big jerk? Because he wasn’t. It was my fault.

  “No!” I whispered in a yell. And lied. I just said I would never lie but I totally lied to Kendra when she was the one person in the world who never judged me.

  “Carolina, it might be nothing.”

  “It doesn’t feel like nothing.” Don’t cry. Don’t cry. I didn’t.

  Kendra said, “I’ve never seen a boy love a girl as much as Trevor loves you. Even in movies.”

  “Really?” Oh my gosh. That was true, wasn’t it?

  “Really.” Kendra gave me a hug, and I felt better. Even if Trevor found out about Alexander Taylor, he loved me too much to dump me just because I was texting another boy.

  Right?

  Please, please, please let that be right.

  * * *

  That night, my dad drove me over to Trevor’s. I wore a short skirt that was super uncomfortable, but I wanted Trevor to think sex thoughts and not mad-at-me thoughts.

  “Ready for finals?” my dad asked.

  “Dad, oh my gosh, what’s wrong?” I didn’t want to think about anything except Trevor. Yeah, I was calling him Dad again. He liked it better. And he had been amazing for so long, so he deserved it.

  “Why can’t a dad ask his daughter about school?”

  “Because you never ask me about school.”

  “Your mom is worried you haven’t studied as much as you used to.”

  “You’ve always told me I studied too much!”

  “Is everything all right?”

  “Yes, Dad. I’m fine.” I couldn’t tell him Trevor was mad because then I would have to tell him about Alexander Taylor. And to tell my dad that I was cheating (but just text cheating!) would make him think his REAL cheating was okay. Which it wasn’t. At all. My dad parked outside Trevor’s house and said, “Okay. I’m going to see a movie. Text me when you need me to pick you up.”

  “Trevor can drive me home.” Unless he dumped me!

  “Trevor doesn’t have his license.”

  “But Trevor can drive me home with his mom or dad.”

  “Isn’t his dad out of town?” my dad asked.

  “Why would you know that? I don’t know that. Gosh, Dad. Trevor will drive me, okay?” He was freaking me out!

  “Okay. Text me if you need me. Just in case.” Then I got out and he left.

  * * *

  I rang the Santoses’ doorbell, and Lily answered. She gave me the biggest hug ever. Oh my … did she know Trevor was going to dump me? She took me by the hand and led me to the kitchen. Trevor wasn’t there, but his mom was unpacking takeout Chinese food.

  “Hi, Carolina, you look nice,” she said. Mrs. Santos was dressed in a short skirt too. She wore lots of makeup, but it looked amazing. She was so sexy. So much sexier than I was. I was such a little girl. I thought I was so mature, but I could never be mature when there were adults like Trevor’s mom.

  “Hi, Mrs. Santos, thanks, but you look so, so, so nice,” I said.

  “Very kind of you to say. Trevor’s dad is out of town all weekend, so my friend Katie is taking me downtown for dinner.”

  “That sounds like fun.”

  “Why don’t we all go downtown, Mom!” Lily jumped up and down at the idea.

  “Not tonight, Lily,” Mrs. Santos said, then yelled, “TREVOR! Get down here! I’m leaving.” Footsteps slowly moved upstairs, then down the stairs, and then my heart froze and then the kitchen door swung open and there was Trevor. He always looked the most handsome when I feared he didn’t love me anymore. Was this the last night we would be boyfriend and girlfriend? Before I could say anything, Mrs. Santos said, “Call if you need anything. I’m leaving some extra money if this isn’t enough food.” There were, like, ten boxes of Chinese food for just the three of us. Then Mrs. Santos waved good-bye and left through the garage.

  “Your mom looks so pretty,” I said.

  Trevor ignored me as he got out plates.

  “Trevor!” Lily said. “Carolina said something.”

  “I heard her.”

  “Are you two fighting? Please tell me you aren’t fighting!”

  Trevor went silent again so I said, “I don’t … I don’t know if we’re fighting, Lily.”

  “Trevor’s been sad all week.”

  “Lily!” Trevor yelled. “None of your business.”

  “I’m your sister and you’re sad and that makes me sad and Carolina can make you happy so stop being so mean to me!” Lily cried out. It was the most seven-year-old thing I had ever heard Lily say. Then nobody said anything for so long.

  I decided to be super brave even though it was super scary and I asked, “Why … are you sad?” Then I waited. Waited for Trevor to tell me he knew about Alexander Taylor. Waited for him to tell me we were breaking up. That he hated me.

  “I’m not…” Trevor started.

  Lily cried out again, “You are, Trevor! You are! You have been just like Mom used to be!”

  “Your mom gets sad?” I asked.

  “Our mom—” Lily began.

  “Lily! Don’t!” Trevor yelled as he ran toward Lily to grab her.

  Lily screamed really fast, “Our mom hurt herself and almost died!”

  “GODDAMN IT, LILY!” Trevor yelled. S
o loud. So mean. So scary. It was like he was a different person. Like there was a mean boy in him this whole time and I had never seen it. Lily ran out of the kitchen. Trevor wouldn’t look at me. He just stared at the ground and kept his eyes closed, like he could make it all go away if he didn’t see anything. Maybe it wasn’t a mean boy inside. Maybe it was a scared boy. Yes, a scared little boy. And this is going to sound so, so, so, so horrible, but I was happy. Happy that Trevor was scared because that meant he wasn’t mad at me, right? If he was scared, he needed me. Oh my gosh, Trevor needed me. That’s what love is. Your boyfriend needing you, and you being there for him when he needs you.

  I walked over to Trevor and wrapped my arms around him and squeezed until he hugged me back, which made me feel like the best girlfriend ever and not the worst.

  60

  Trevor …

  When Carolina hugged me, I started crying. Not crying, crying. I’m not a girl. But, you know, tears in the corners of my eyes. I didn’t even know what it was about. About my mom? Maybe. Or maybe about Carolina lying about those texts. I thought I might be losing her, and now she was hugging me like she loved me more than ever and would take care of me always. After I teared up for a minute, my penis got hard. Carolina was hugging me so tight! I never thought you could cry and get an erection at the same time. Life is so complicated.

  “Is that what you wanted to tell me? About your mom?” Carolina asked. No, it wasn’t, of course. I had thought all day about what I would tell her because I didn’t have anything I wanted to tell her. I just wanted her to think I had something.

  So I said, “Yeah.”

  “She tried…”

  “To kill herself. Yeah. A bunch of pills. It’s been two years. It’s kind of why we moved away from California.”

  “I’m so sorry, Trevor.” And she kissed my neck and dug her hands into my back. I was so turned on. I wanted to go to the basement right now. But we had to eat dinner and I had to make sure Lily wasn’t mad at me.

  “It’s okay,” I said. Didn’t want to think about this anymore.

  “That must have been so hard. I’m glad you told me.”

  “Lily told you.”

  “I’m glad you were going to tell me. I don’t want us to hide anything from each other,” Carolina said. I didn’t like her saying that. Because that meant she would have to tell me about those texts, and I didn’t want to know. But now that she said we shouldn’t hide anything, I did want to know. I wanted to know she wouldn’t hide anything if she said she wouldn’t. If we had this pact, you know, that we would hide things, that would be fine. But that’s not what she said. She said we shouldn’t hide anything! And now she wasn’t telling me about her goddamn texts!

  And then she started crying. Like girl crying. Sobbing. You know, snot and spit and I didn’t know what the hell to do.

  “I just texted him! He texted me first. And I never said anything bad, I don’t think! I told him I had a boyfriend! But I lied to you and said it was Kendra! I lied! I lied!”

  “On New Year’s—” My whole brain went so dark so fast I thought I would pass out. Like all the blood stopped flowing in my body. Lava could come out of my ears and melt the whole fucking kitchen floor.

  “Yes! I’m sorry! You were looking at that girl Jamie’s boobs!”

  “I was only swimming with her because you weren’t with me!”

  “He texted me! I was just answering!”

  “YOU LIED!”

  “I KNOW! BUT I ONLY LIED BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW!”

  “THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!”

  “I know! I know! I just lied because I love you so much and I don’t know why I texted him back!”

  “Who is he?” I stopped yelling. Well, at least I stopped yelling as loud as I could.

  “His name is Alexander and he’s a junior on the stupid swim team and he’s creepy and he keeps contacting me.”

  “Tell him to stop!”

  “I will!”

  “Tell him right now!”

  “Okay! Okay!”

  61

  Carolina …

  I took out my phone and I found Alexander’s number and I started a text and … I almost didn’t want to do it, you know, just in case … but in case of what? Trevor and I would never break up! I was going to marry him and we would be happy and the only reason we wouldn’t be happy is if I lied to him so I texted Alexander:

  ME

  I love my boyfriend so, so, so much

  so please don’t text me anymore

  And then I showed it to Trevor and then I pressed send and then I turned off my phone because I didn’t want to see Alexander’s response in case I liked it.

  “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” I said, and I was still crying, but now I was kissing Trevor and he started kissing me back and we grabbed at each other and it was very aggressive and so intense and I wanted to just keep grabbing each other and I wanted to eat him and I wanted him to tear off my clothes, except not really, but you know, keep being so passionate and then I reached into his pants and he moaned and I loved to make him moan and then I remembered Lily was here, somewhere, so I stopped and said, “Lily…” We pulled away and then heard footsteps run away from the kitchen door. Oh my gosh, if she saw any of that I would die. So Trevor ran after her and I waited in the kitchen and I almost turned on my phone to see Alexander’s response but instead I decided two things: one, I would never do anything to hurt Trevor ever again, and two, we should have sex that night.

  62

  Trevor …

  “Lily!” I called out as I ran after her through the house. “Get back here!”

  “Are you guys fighting?” she yelled from some hiding spot. I followed her voice.

  “Not anymore.”

  “Are you guys having sex?”

  “NO!” I said but … I wanted to. I wanted to be that close. I wanted Carolina to be my first and for me to be her first and for us to do it before anything could ever stop that from happening.

  Lily popped out from the storage door under the stairs. “I don’t think you should have sex until you are married,” she said.

  “Okay.”

  “I don’t think you should fight ever.”

  “Okay.”

  “I’m hungry.”

  “Me too,” I said, but I wasn’t. I didn’t want to do anything but kiss Carolina and be naked and get so close that no one and nothing could ever come between us.

  63

  Carolina …

  After we ate dinner in the family room, Trevor and I cuddled under a blanket on the couch while Lily lay on the floor four feet from the television. While Lily watched TV, Trevor and I moved our hands under the blankets all over our bodies. Onto our bare skin. He even put his fingers inside me and I felt like we were being so wrong because Lily was right there but it also felt better than it ever had.

  After the movie was over, Trevor made Lily go to bed even though it was early. She complained but not much. I didn’t get up from the couch because my pants were undone but Lily hugged me and then Trevor walked her upstairs to her room.

  I went down to the basement by myself and I waited and I thought, oh my gosh, I was about to have sex. I didn’t want to think it. I just wanted it to happen so that I didn’t have to think later that I could have not done it. I wanted it to just be that our bodies did it, that they loved each other so much that we had to have sex tonight even though it was still a week until my birthday and I promised I would wait until then. It sounded so much more mature to wait but I just couldn’t. Trevor and I needed to have sex, we did, or else all these bad things like Alexander or his mom’s sadness or the universe might pull us apart.

  Wait a minute. Trevor’s mom tried to commit suicide, and I hadn’t even really thought what that meant. I was so happy he wasn’t mad about me texting Alexander (well, he wasn’t mad until I told him), that I didn’t really think about how this made Mrs. Santos such a different person. She was so perfect and yet she tried to kill he
rself. I wanted to be just like her, so does that mean I’d want to kill myself some day? What if I’m not as perfect as she is, won’t that mean I’d want to kill myself even more? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. This world is a horrible place and I can be a horrible person, but even if I’m a perfect person it won’t matter.…

  And then Trevor came downstairs, and he started kissing me without talking.

  64

  Trevor …

  Kissed her. Grabbed her. Took off her shirt. She took off mine. Kissed her. Bit her lip. She bit mine. Never done that so I did it again. She cried out a little but she bit me harder back. Took off her skirt. She took off my pants. I took off my underwear. She took off hers. Then I was on top of her and she was beneath me. Kissing so fast. Eyes open. Our eyes were never open. But I wanted to see her. I wanted to see if it was okay. I wasn’t going to ask. I couldn’t ask. If I asked, she might say no. But if we just got closer and closer and closer and she didn’t say anything, then she might mean yes.…

  65

  Carolina …

  Trevor was naked and I could feel him, his penis, the tip, I could feel it on my, you know, and it kept rubbing against me and it felt so good. So tingling. Shivers. I wanted to laugh. But not laugh out loud. I kept my eyes open because I wanted him to know it was okay. I wanted to see what he looked like when it happened.

  I kept scrunching my butt lower so that I would be closer to him, so that he would know he could do it. Why can’t we just talk about it? We should. We weren’t wearing a condom. Oh my gosh. We didn’t have a condom. But it was okay. You can’t get pregnant on your first time. Obviously you can. I’m not stupid. But it wouldn’t happen. We would be fine. And I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to have sex. I wanted to be a woman. I wanted to be with Trevor forever.

  66

  Trevor …

  “I love you, Carolina,” I said.

  “I love you, Trevor.”

  “I love you so much, Carolina.”

  “I love you so, so much, Trevor.”