Finding Our Forever

by Lan LLP

  “What is it, Richard? You know I can never hate you,” I assure him. Carson searches for my eyes with apprehension after hearing my fretting.

  “Bianca…came to see me about two months ago,” Richard stutters.

  The mention of her name scrapes rather than rub me the wrong way already. Instantly, I’m in a pissier mood. I bet my ears and cheeks are probably red from fuming. “What did she want?” I grit through my clenched teeth.

  “She told me she was Carson’s ex-fiancée. He left her heartbroken, and she wanted him back,” Richard explains, pausing like he’s hesitant to continue. “She convinced me to…slip a sedative in your beer. Lil, I’m so sorry,” he pauses again. I can sense I’m going to hate what he’ll say next. “There are pictures of us together from that evening.”

  What kind of a warped world am I in? My good friend screwed me over, and with Bianca of all people. I despise her more than anything. Richard’s confession lacerates my heart. Hurt from his betrayal bleeds painfully out my chest. I feel so ill to my stomach I could vomit.

  “Lil, are you still there?” he asks.

  I’m so wounded that I can barely respond. “You…you drugged me? You freaking drugged me?” I stutter. “Did you even know what it was? You could’ve killed me! What the hell were you thinking? Why Richard?” I shout, my tone dripping with anger. Carson’s expression turns cold and furious from my outburst. He wants to add to the conversation, but I place my palm out to stop him and step off the bed to distance myself. I need space—space to breathe and calm down.

  “Lil, I’m so sorry. I know I’m an asshole,” he sighs. “I wasn’t thinking with my head. I thought it would give me a chance to prove to you that I was right for you. This isn’t a justifiable excuse, but she was so persuasive and convincing, and I was desperate,” he explains. “I won’t blame you if you hate me for the rest of my life, but please don’t.”

  Richard sounds so deplorable and remorseful, but I’m too furious to care. I hate him so much right now. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. How could he do that to me? I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to forgive or trust him. My gut is churning with mixed emotions as I fight back my reasonable side. Richard was so good to me even after he discovered I was pregnant with another man’s child. Was he doing it out of guilt or was he really being a friend to me? I’m so confused. Then there’s that conniving bitch. Bianca’s sexual appeal and shrewdness are impossible to resist, especially for a schoolboy like Richard. Even domineering CEO Carson Bradley wasn’t immune to her allure, so how can I expect Richard to be invincible? He didn’t have a fighting chance against her deceitfulness.

  Finally, after a heavy sigh, I tell Richard, “I can’t hate you, not at this shitty moment. What you did was deplorable. I have to be honest. It’ll be hard for me to forgive what you did. Things will probably never be the same between us.”

  “I know it won’t be, but thank god you don’t hate me,” he rejoices. “I’ve been regretting this fucked-up decision the second I agreed to it. I’m really sorry. Please find it in your heart to forgive me…eventually,” he begs again.

  “It won’t happen overnight,” I clip, and then ask, “What were we doing in those pictures?” But then change my mind. “No…don’t tell me. I don’t want to know,” I object to my own question. Sometimes things are better left unknown. Details can be cruel reminders, making forgiveness almost impossible. Now I understand why Carson thought I cheated on him. I’m no match for that conniving bitch. She’s out for my blood.

  “The pictures Sasha took of us were very misleading. I promise. I never touched you inappropriately. I want you to know that,” Richard swears. “In fact, I tried to contact Bianca afterwards to tell her I had changed my mind, but she wasn’t reachable, probably on purpose. After that, I knew I had fucked up and there was no turning back. I was going to have to pay for my mistake.”

  “Everyone has a weak moment I guess,” I submit sadly. “Unfortunately, yours came back to haunt you and crush me. So, I take it that you and Sasha aren’t really friends then, right?” I confirm while walking back to the bed to sit by Carson.

  Carson mouths, “Are you okay?” I reply with an incomplete smile and nod.

  “No, we’re not. I’ve never met her until that night at the bar,” Richard pauses. “There’s more I need to tell you.”

  Oh my god. There’s more? How can there possibly be more?

  “I think our accident has something to do with Bianca and Sasha. After replaying it over and over in my head yesterday, I recalled Sasha driving a similar red sports car the night she followed me back to the dorm. I’m so sure about this that I’m willing to put my life on it. Lil, watch out for that deranged woman. Bianca isn’t a force to reckon with. If she discovers you’ve survived that accident, she’ll probably figure another way to succeed next time.”

  Fear spreads through me like violent wildfire, consuming everything in its path, as I take in Richard’s warning of Bianca. How can I hold onto my sanity now? “What? You think she was involved?” I yelp. “She did cross my mind, but I didn’t want to believe she was capable.”

  “She is! She’s the fucking devil in Prada, Gucci, Dolce, and whatever else!” Richard exclaims.

  “Oh my god. She must’ve found out about…,” I stop myself before saying the word ‘baby,’ remembering that Carson is sitting next to me, absorbing everything. With his quick temper, I can see him running to confront her, just like he did with Richard in St. Croix, before we have enough evidence to prove her guilt. I want to be damn sure she gets everything she deserves. I change the subject to throw Carson off, even though I’m sure he’s probably figured out what we’ve been talking about. He’s too smart for me to pull anything pass him. “Can I talk to my roomie?” I ask Richard in a calmer tone.

  Richard complies without asking me to complete my thought. He tells me he has to walk back to Amelia’s room to give her the phone.

  “Hey Lil, how are you, love?” Ame asks me in her Brit accent that I miss dearly.

  “I’m making it, but more importantly, how are you doing? How’s that hard head of yours?” I tease her with the little life I have left in me.

  “It’s a good thing I’m a stubborn redhead. The doctor said that I’ll be back to normal in no time at all. My blurred vision is much better and I don’t sound like a drunken Irish-Brit anymore,” she giggles.

  “Thank god you’re okay! I could never forgive myself if…”

  “Don’t, Lil! I’ve already told you not to blame yourself, sweetie,” she interrupts me. “How’s Peanut?” she warily asks.

  Richard suddenly snatches the phone from Ame as soon as he hears Peanut’s name. “It’s time for us to go, Lil. I need to get Ame home and comfortable. Take care and keep us informed,” Richard thoughtfully interrupts Ame to save me the pain of revealing my sad news to her. I can hear her gripe in the background for cutting her off.

  “I will,” I tell him and then disconnect our call with a long face and heavy heart. What’s that saying? When it rains, it pours, and in my case, it floods and drowns, leaving me hopeless. I’ve been dragged to hell and back, and I’m not sure where I’m at now.

  “How’s Amelia?” Carson asks with a concerned expression that’s probably meant more for me than Ame’s status. His forehead is furrowed in layers of stress and his eyes are warmed and doting. “Your conversation with Richard sounded heated,” he stresses.

  “She’s going to have a full recovery,” I answer his first question and ignore his second comment.

  “What were you and Richard talking about? I see that you’re still upset.” In a tolerant tone, he pries with hope that I might confirm what he’s probably figured out from eavesdropping. He offers me his beseeching eyes.

  “I’d rather not talk about it now. Is that okay?” I say, my voice desperate. I can’t do this tonight. My brain is exhausted.

  “It’s not okay, Lil. I fucking hate being shut out!” he retorts in a loud, eruptive tone. “Why
won’t you talk to me? I’m here for you!” he shouts in frustration, and it stuns me. I don’t know how to respond to his outburst but shake and cry. I’ve never seen this angry side of him. Realizing that he just lost his temper with me, he reaches for my hand and tells me, “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I’m at my wit’s end. I just want to help you get to a better place, but you won’t let me.”

  “I know you do…I think I’m going to call it a night. I’ll be fine if you have some work to finish,” I reply without offering him any sentiments to his plea of letting him into my broken world.

  Carson looks utterly crushed and dejected when I pull my hand away from his grasp. His hazel eyes are lost in a wounded stare. It breaks my heart to see him in this miserable state, but I can’t bare my soul to him. I have to suppress my pain and doubts. This is what I do. I handle whatever I’m dealt with, self-reliantly. I drop the burner phone in his palm before walking to the bathroom to brush my teeth. He stands there impaired and wordless. As I pass the closet, I notice my side of the room that Carson had created for me is now void of the maternity clothes Kat had selected for me. Everything is completely gone, including my little Peanut. The pain hits me again.

  By the time I finished my evening ritual, Carson is no longer in bed nor in the room waiting for me. He must be working in his office–or maybe he’s given up on me out of frustration. I wouldn’t blame him if he did. My remoteness toward him has been unduly directed. We’re both hurting because of me and my failure to let go. Regrettably, it looks like we’re both going to bed unhappy tonight. I notice that the covers are thoughtfully pulled back for me. Carson is unbelievable. Even after being given the cold shoulder multiple times, he’s still attentive and doting. Then why am I being so unfair? Crawling underneath the sateen sheets, I hug my arms and legs around a pillow as if it’s Carson and lower my tender lids to shut out this day from hell.

  Chapter 3

  Carson Bradley

  I can’t believe I fucking lost it back there. The hurtful expression on her face stabbed my heart like a piercing scalpel, and I was the cause of it. Her reddened eyes welled up with tears that I created. The last thing she needs is an asshole shouting at her, making her doubt my unconditional love and support for her. My god, what is wrong with me? I’m slowly deteriorating. This fragile Carson hasn’t surfaced in fifteen years. I need to get a grip on myself before I push her away even further.

  Leaving Lil to sleep in our bedroom, I retreat to my office to clear my mind and to call Luke for updates on Sasha and Bianca. I overheard Lil implying to Richard that she thought they might be involved with the accident. For reasons unknown, she didn’t elaborate on it. The subject switched course abruptly, cutting any further exchange of information. Rage goaded me to interrupt her to rip the phone from her hand and demand answers. But Lil had already pleaded me once with her shaky palm, so I unwillingly submitted to her silent request.

  Unfortunately for Lil, this evening has been full of devastating news. I believe Richard did the honorable thing and confessed his involvement with those damn pictures. As soon as his admission hit her cognitively, her eyes overflowed with emotions of deep, gouging wounds—the kind that scars permanently. I’d rather suffer the pain of being forsaken in a vast, deadly ocean than to see her so upset. Why else would I have purposely avoided telling her about those pictures? Her heart is my priority. I’d sacrifice anything to shelter it from agony. I knew Richard’s betrayal would destroy her, and I was right.

  Thank god Owen was quick-witted to have Alpha retrieve those damaging pictures and destroy any possible duplication before they could fall into more wrong hands. I was in no condition to make any sound decision at that time. I was at my lowest point when I thought Lil had left me for Richard. My will to continue without her was demolished. I didn’t want to face another day knowing that she was no longer mine. I could barely stay sober long enough to attend some of the charity functions that I had pledged to support. Fortunately, I had another person looking after me. My cousin Nikki slapped the self-pity and sulking out of me.

  “Don’t make me get ugly. Being pathetic doesn’t suit you!” she roared and shoved me in a cold shower several times. “Where’s that cocky CEO who doesn’t fear anything or anyone? Show me that man!” she demanded as she stood next to me, drenched as well. “Are you going to let some stupid pictures destroy everything you’ve worked so hard for?” she continued to shout as she shook me. I shrugged my shoulders, blinking my eyes against the damn water jetting down over us. “Carson, get your head out of your ass! If you love this girl, you need to fucking figure out what happened instead of drowning your sorrow in booze.”

  She was absolutely right. I agreed to sober up for the final charity function and then drank away my heart afterward. That was also the night I decided to rip Lil’s heart apart like she did mine. I pretty much accused her of being a slut, playing me and Richard at the same. I made her cry, but it didn’t soothe my broken heart. In fact, it made me hate myself even more after she confessed she loved me—for the very first time. The wounded sound of her meek voice was my wake-up call. After Nik’s intervention and Lil’s unexpected admission, I was able to clear my head and see Bianca for what she truly is.

  Bianca is really a vile, coldblooded demon underneath that pretty face, and I fell for her cunning scheme like an idiot. First, the damn pictures and now, she’s possibly linked to the accident that killed my unborn child. Apparently, she’ll do whatever it takes to get whatever she wants without any ethical boundaries. What she did, I will not easily forget and will never forgive. I’m a firm believer of an eye-for -an-eye philosophy. That cruel beast will get what she deserves, and I won’t hold anything back either. I’ll have her declawed and caged up like a wild animal.

  While waiting for Luke to answer his phone, I log onto the computer to see his undercover photos of Sasha and Bianca kissing each other on the screen—how interesting. These two are romantically linked. Things are clicking together and making perfect sense. I’ve always known that Bianca has no limits when it comes to sex. She’s kinkier than hell, pled several times for a three or foursome. I never agreed. Even in my pathetic, lonely years, I still believed intimacy should only be shared between two people.

  Luke answers, “Hello, sir. I followed Sasha to a bar downtown after she stormed off from Bianca’s office crying. She’s been slamming shots of hard liquor for the past hour.” It sounds like the lovers are experiencing a quarrel of some sort, and the vulnerable one is who I’m concerned about.

  “It might seem that Sasha will break her silence sooner than I expect. Keep trailing her. I don’t think it’ll be long before we’ll get what we need from her.”

  “I will, sir. Anything else?” he confirms.

  “No. Have a good evening.”

  After I disconnect from Luke, I skim over Owen’s memo for tomorrow’s meeting with the members of his team, Sanguis Frater: Alpha, Beta, Delta, Gamma and Kappa are their names. Alpha, the team leader, will report their progress directly to me, or Owen, if I’m not available. Hayden will brief them with information he has gathered right before the signals faded. After the meeting, I’m hoping to dedicate several good hours to the Oss-Meta drug project. Even with two contributing researchers absent, I have to press forward. I’m too close to helping thousands of people with bone cancer to give up. But at the moment, my dire dilemma is figuring out what to do with Lily while I’m consumed with my work. Keeping her locked up in my penthouse indefinitely will not be an option for me. She’ll never go for that.

  __________

  Being as slick as possible, I slither under the sateen sheet , to find her back purposely turned to me and her arms wrapped around a pillow that should be me. Can I fault her for being upset with me? No. I was out of line, shouting at her when I should’ve been comforting her. I reach my arms out to hold her, but quickly reel them back to my sides, knowing that the invisible barrier between us is there for a reason. She wants to be left alone.
I kiss her cheek gently and roll to my lonely side of the bed.

  Restlessly, I toss and turn, struggling with anger and confusion. Lil’s brief conversation with her mother left me feeling disheartened as well as pissed. No woman has ever been ashamed of me. She denied that she loves me to her mother, thinking that I couldn’t understand her in Chinese. Singapore was my home for two years when the Marines stationed my father there. I mastered enough of the language to get me by. It wasn’t until years later that I picked up various dialects through self-taught audios to aid me in foreign business transactions. My accent might not be most authentic, but I’m fluent enough to know that Lil isn’t sure about her love for me.

  Nightfall is persistent and unrelenting as it detains daylight from me. Glancing over to my nightstand, I see that it’s finally 5:08 a.m. on the digital clock. Unfortunately for me, I’m still wide awake while I stare at Lil’s back, fighting my urge to hold her. My tired eyes drift distantly out to see silvery star specks and skyscraper lights peek through the windows on this frigid November morning. The bleak composition fails to hold my interest and my focus shifts back to Lily again. No longer able to refrain my yearning to touch her, I stroke the back of my fingers along her face, tracing the tenderness of her delicate skin.

  What’s happening to us?

  Tragedy is never far behind whenever I decide to give my heart away. Am I doomed to live a desolate life? I hope not. Gently, I slide out of bed and tuck my pillow behind her back so it seems as if my body is still there next to hers.

  Owen will be here in about an hour to pick me up for our routine ride to the office while Luke keeps his watchful eye on Lily until I return this evening. This is the plan for today. Tomorrow is still an unsolved mystery. I jotted down a list of dos and don’ts for her last night, which I know will piss her off even more as soon as she reads them. She doesn’t take orders well, especially restricted ones. I can only hope that her temper will be more manageable later tonight after she’s blown off some heat. Meanwhile, I’m praying that Hayden will share Isabella. While I’m away working, Isabella can keep Lily occupied for me.