The Prince of Neither Here Nor There

by Sean Cullen

“No. It isn’t a normal power failure. I can feel it,” Brendan said tightly. “She’s coming.”

  “That crazy woman?” Harold asked.

  “Orcadia.” Brendan nodded. “She’s found me.” He whipped his head around to Finbar. “Fine! Whatever you ask, I’ll do it. Where is the amulet?”

  Finbar wagged a finger. “Uh, uh, uh! Not so fast, me lad. I won’t tell you. I’ll show you where it is.”

  “No way! You can’t even leave your bed!”

  In answer, Finbar tugged the IV out of his arm. Fluid squirted from the needle.

  “Also gross,” Harold gulped.

  The old man swung his scrawny legs out of bed and staggered to the wardrobe, on the way revealing his equally scrawny buttocks through the slit in the back of his hospital gown.

  “Now I may barf!” Harold said, covering his eyes.

  “I’ll get dressed and away we go.” Finbar hauled open the door of the wardrobe to reveal his clothes on hangers within.

  “Hurry,” Brendan cried. He rushed to the window and looked out. Traffic was snarled because the traffic lights had failed. People were honking and trying to get around each other. His heart sank. He felt that everyone was being put in danger all because of him. He turned back into the room to find that Finbar had pulled on his pants and boots and now Dmitri was buttoning up the old man’s shirt.

  “Let’s go!” Brendan shouted and ran for the door. Dmitri and Harold pulled the old man by the elbows and they rushed out into the hall.

  Brendan stopped short. The nurses’ station was dark. Here, on the inside of the building, there were no windows. The only light came from battery-operated emergency lights over the nurses’ desks.

  “BLT!” Brendan hissed.

  BLT popped out of Brendan’s pocket. In her tiny hands she held a mini chocolate bar, half of it already eaten. “What’s up, your lordship?”

  Brendan groaned. “Don’t tell me you’re on a sugar high!”

  “All right,” BLT giggled. She began to spark and glow. “I won’t tell you.”

  “Where did you get that?”

  She pointed an unsteady finger at Dmitri and laughed. “His lovely babka gave it to me. What a lovely woman, she is! Thoughtful, you know what I mean?”

  “Can you tell me if Orcadia is close?”

  “She’ll be comin’ up the elevator when she comes.” BLT giggled, looking unconcerned. She started to sing. “She’llbe comin’ up the elevator when she comes! She’ll be comin’ up the elevator, she’ll be comin’ up the elevator …” She collapsed into helpless giggling and tried to fly out of Brendan’s grasp. He quickly caught her and, none too gently, rammed her into the pocket of his jacket and zipped it shut.

  “And that little Faerie is useful how, exactly?” Harold asked.

  Brendan’s pocket began to heave and glow from within. “BLT! Gimme a break, will ya?”

  Nurse Rita came around the corner. She held a flashlight. “We seem to have had a power failure. Are you boys all right?” Then she saw Finbar. “What are you doing out of bed, Mr. Shaughnessy?” Then she saw he was dressed in his street clothes. “What’s going on here?”

  Brendan opened his mouth to answer, when there was a crash from down the hall where the elevators were. A rending of metal shrieked through the ward.

  “What in the world …?” Nurse Rita began.

  Brendan didn’t want to wait to confirm what he already knew. “To the stairs!” he shouted and ran for a red exit sign down the opposite hall.

  He crashed into the door and flung it open, revealing a set of grey concrete stairs with a steel pipe railing painted dull grey. With Dmitri and Harold dragging Finbar close behind, they rushed as fast as they could down the stairs by the light of the red emergency bulbs.

  As the door was swinging shut behind him, Brendan clearly heard Nurse Rita saying angrily, “And who are you? There are no pets allowed in the hospital. It’s against the rules.”

  There was a low canine growl. Brendan recognized it all too well as the sound of the Kobolds. Orcadia’s voice was as cold as ice. “The rules just changed.”

  The door slammed shut on the yapping laughter of the Kobold pack.

  78 Politeness is the one true weakness of adults. When politeness is used properly, a child can achieve almost any result. Sad eyes help a great deal. Adults are so susceptible to sad-eyed children that an entire industry involving the production and sale of pictures of children with giant sad eyes has grown up. The Sad-Eyed-Children Picture Industry employs millions worldwide and grosses more than ten billion dollars a year.

  ESCAPE

  Brendan was about to run down the stairs with his friends and make his escape when he stopped short. He was stung by guilt. Poor Nurse Rita couldn’t be left to face her fate alone. It wasn’t right.

  Brendan shouted at the others, “Hurry! Get downstairs! I’ll be right behind you.”

  Harold needed no coaxing. With Finbar leaning heavily on him and the railing, the chubby boy started down the stairs as fast as he could. The old man’s slouch cap was poised com-ically on top of his bandaged head. The two of them turned the first corner and disappeared from sight. Dmitri stopped and looked hard at Brendan. “Where are you going?”

  Brendan looked back at the door. “I can’t leave that nurse to deal with Orcadia and those hounds.”

  “What could you possibly do? All you should be worrying about is getting away.”

  “Just go!” Brendan yelled. “I’ll be fine. Wait for me outside.”

  With that, Brendan flung the door open and stepped back onto the seventeenth floor. Flickering lights could be seen from down the hall in the nurses’ station. The sniff and snort of the hounds and the murmur of Orcadia’s voice reached him. Brendan mustered his courage and headed back toward the nurses’ station.

  Brendan came around the corner to see Orcadia with her hand around the throat of Nurse Rita. She had pressed the woman up against the wall, and she was speaking straight into the terrified nurse’s face.

  “I’m going to ask one more time,” Orcadia said sweetly. “You will tell me the truth or else I’ll let them deal with you.”

  The Kobolds squatted in dog form, their pale eyes glaring hungrily at Nurse Rita. Brendan saw them for what they were: Kobolds. His Faerie Sight was becoming more acute, able to see through the hound form they projected for Human eyes. Though they were not in hound form, they still maintained some dog characteristics: their stance, sitting on their haunches with their mouths hanging open, was reminiscent of their canine alter egos. Their red-rimmed eyes rolled in their wedge-shaped skulls as they tittered maniacally.

  Brendan couldn’t imagine what Nurse Rita was thinking right then, her Human eyes telling her she was menaced by slavering dogs. He’d been scared out of his mind while running from the beasts through the Undertown. Nurse Rita hadn’t had the benefit of even a day to get used to the bizarre creatures she was facing but somehow she found the courage to defy Orcadia.

  “I’m not permitted to release patient information,” she managed to rasp. “Leave here at once. The police have been notified.”

  Orcadia crowed with laughter. “The police have been notified? Oh, my! I’m sooooo terrified.” She laughed again. “You have no idea how little I care about the police!” She ceased laughing and raised her fist over her head. Her fingers flickered with sparkling flame and she hissed, “I’ll ask you one last time: I know a boy came here. Who did he come to see and where is he now?”

  “Right here!” Brendan announced, stepping out of the hallway. “It’s me you want. Let her go.”

  Orcadia’s head snapped around at the sound of Brendan’s voice. She smiled. “Ah. Here he is at last.”

  “Let her go, Orcadia,” Brendan said evenly, though inside he was a jelly of fear. He had trouble keeping his knees from knocking together.

  “Of course.” Orcadia smiled. She stabbed her finger into Nurse Rita’s neck. There was a crackle of discharged energy. Nurse Rita went rigid for an in
stant then limp as a rag doll in Orcadia’s grip. Orcadia tossed the nurse aside, and the unconscious woman slid across the floor, through the door into Finbar’s vacated room. Brendan took a quick look and was relieved to see the rise and fall of the nurse’s chest. She was alive, at least.

  Orcadia turned to fix Brendan with her seething frigid blue eyes. She smiled as she said, “So, you’ve decided to surrender at last. It’s for the best.” She walked toward Brendan, her arms wide in a parody of loving invitation. “Come give your auntie a hug, Breandan. I won’t bite.”

  Brendan stood still, watching her approach. The Kobolds trotted tamely at her heels. They grinned at him, revealing rows of vicious teeth.

  Brendan’s mind was racing. He looked frantically around for any way out. The door to Finbar’s room gaped open, but there was no way out save the window. He couldn’t fly. Well, at least I don’t think I can, he thought miserably. How would I know?

  Orcadia stopped in front of him and wrapped her arms around him. The sensation was like being wrapped in a live power line. Brendan could feel the hum of energy coursing through her, and the smell of her hair was the metallic tang of rain on pavement.

  “Dear boy,” she whispered in his ear. “You needn’t be so afraid of me. I am here to show you your true potential.” She pulled away and looked into his eyes. “My brother would want me to take care of you, to bring you into your powers. He can’t be here.” She smiled, and Brendan suddenly felt that he could believe her, almost. He felt some power working on his resistance. Some part of him knew it was a trick but he was unable to resist her.

  Maybe she does just want what’s best for me. Maybe all those others are wrong. “But Mr. Greenleaf and Ariel and Kim … Ki-Mata. They say you want to hurt the Humans. My parents are Human. I don’t want them to suffer.”

  “Oh, aren’t you a dear.” She ruffled his hair. Static crackled from her fingertips. “The Humans took everything from us. They have to pay. But here, if you really like these parents of yours”—her distaste for the word was obvious—”we’ll spare them. You can keep them as pets. Won’t that be nice?” She smiled sweetly.

  Brendan felt anger welling inside him. Who was this creature to refer to his mother and father as pets? There was no way he would ever submit to her. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to refuse,” he said through gritted teeth.

  Orcadia’s eyes narrowed to slits. She drew her lips back to reveal her even white teeth in a grimace of rage. The Kobolds whimpered and cowered away.

  “All right. I’m through trying to convince you. You had your chance,” Orcadia hissed. “Now, you will die!”

  And that was when Dmitri smacked her with the fire extinguisher.

  Orcadia staggered and fell over. Brendan gave his head a shake and surged to his feet. That’s when he saw Dmitri.

  “A fire extinguisher?” Brendan asked.

  “It’s all I could find!” Dmitri explained.

  “I told you to get out of here!” Brendan shouted angrily.

  “You’re welcome!” Dmitri snapped back. “I just saved your ham.”

  “Bacon,” Brendan laughed, on the verge of hysteria. “Saved my bacon!”

  “Whatever.” Dmitri shrugged. “I knew it was a pork product.” Then his eyes went wide and he raised the nozzle of the fire extinguisher. Brendan dropped out of the way as the Kobolds leapt at Dmitri. The small boy triggered the extinguisher, and frigid, pressurized foam gushed into the beasts’ faces. Their hungry snarls became canine yelps of pain as they fell to the ground, rubbing their stinging muzzles on the floor to scrape away the chemical coating.

  “Nice one,” Brendan said, looking at Dmitri’s handiwork. His joy was cut short when he felt Orcadia’s hand clamp around his ankle like a vise. He looked down at her face, twisted with rage, snarling up at him.

  Dmitri fired off another blast of foam directly into her face.

  “Arrrrrrrrgh!” she shrieked. “It burns!” She let go of Brendan, and he danced free, pulling Dmitri out of reach with him. Orcadia, blinded, raised her hands and shouted, “I’ll kill you!” Her hands ignited in showers of crackling blue sparks as she fired bolts of electricity randomly into the air. The bolts struck the ceiling tiles, igniting them.

  She spun around, flailing bolts of power at the walls and the floor, trying blindly to strike at Brendan and Dmitri.

  Brendan wanted to dash down the hall to join Harold and Finbar on the stairs, but Orcadia was standing squarely in the way. The elevators were blocked off, too. A bolt sizzled an inch above their heads.

  Brendan grabbed Dmitri by the sleeve. “We’ve got to get out of range.” He pulled his friend through the door of Finbar’s room. Orcadia swung toward the sound of his voice and fired a blast of energy at the exact spot he had been a split second before. Brendan slammed the door shut.

  Dmitri fumbled at the doorknob. “There isn’t any lock!”

  “Quick! Help me move this!” Brendan ran to the bed and heaved against it. Luckily, it was on rollers so it moved easily. Dmitri helped guide it across the floor until it rested against the door. “The brakes,” Brendan shouted. They went from corner to corner kicking at the wheels until all the brakes were down.

  “That should hold them for a second or two,” Brendan said. He looked down and saw Nurse Rita lying on the floor. “Help me.”

  He and Dmitri hauled the nurse between them and propped her inside the wardrobe, closing the door. “Maybe they won’t notice her when they come for us,” Brendan explained. A snarl and crash that rattled the door in its frame made them both jump.

  “I wouldn’t count on it,” Dmitri squeaked. “Now what?”

  Brendan didn’t know what to say. They were seventeen floors off the ground. He ran to the window and pushed it open. He looked straight down to the concrete forecourt of the hospital. There was no convenient balcony to land on only a floor below as there would have been if this were a story in a book or a Hollywood movie. The door rattled again. Then it began to rain indoors. A heavy downpour began to fall from the ceiling. Brendan couldn’t believe it. “Can she make it rain as well as control lightning?” he cried.

  The truth was much more mundane. Orcadia’s indiscriminate blasts had set off the sprinkler system. The water poured down onto her and the hounds. The Kobolds snarled and yelped in the downpour. They didn’t enjoy being wet.

  This served to enrage Orcadia further. She fired two crackling blasts of electricity into the floor.79 The consequences for Orcadia were negligible. She was naturally immune to the effects of her own powers. The Kobolds, however, were not.

  Standing in the water pooling on the linoleum tiles of the ward, the Kobolds did a bizarre dance as many thousands of volts coursed through them. Though they were magical beings of more than an earthly nature, they were not able to survive electrocution. After one final yelping whine, they fell in a steaming heap on the floor, stunned, their furry coats smouldering in the artificial rain.

  Brendan and Dmitri, listening on the other side of the door, didn’t know what was happening out in the hallway.

  “That sounded painful,” Dmitri said in the sudden silence.

  “Do you smell burning dog hair?” Brendan asked.

  They waited in the eerie silence, wondering what would happen next.

  “You want to look?” Dmitri asked at last.

  “Are you nuts?”

  “I’m here so I must be.”

  Brendan was about to agree with Dmitri when a profound, concussive boom split the air. The door came flying in, sending the bed spinning out of the way and narrowly missing the two boys. The door continued its trajectory and smashed through the window, plunging out of sight. Smoke poured in from the nurses’ station as Orcadia strode into the room and stopped, glaring at them. She was quivering with rage. In a voice that was eerily calm, she said, “You, dear nephew, are a difficult little boy. I have offered you everything and you’ve spat in my face. I will give you one last chance!” Her voice ramped up to an angry shout as
she raised her hands. Blue fire bridged between her hands like the electrodes of a mad scientist’s machine in an old horror movie. “Join me … or die!”

  Brendan looked out the window and saw seagulls swooping past the window: not Lesser Faeries this time but the real thing. He had an idea. It was crazy, but they were running out of options. Before Orcadia could fry them where they stood, he wrapped his arms around Dmitri and, with a mighty heave, flung himself and his best friend out the window.

  Dmitri began to scream in terror. Brendan ignored him and sent out a call with his mind. He remembered the way he had called the sparrows the day before. Now, he prayed he could do something similar. It was the longest of long shots but he had nothing to lose.

  Help! Help! HEEEEEELP! he cried in his mind. He pictured all the seagulls that gathered in the air around Toronto. They swarmed around the garbage Dumpsters and the restaurants. They gathered on the beaches and in the parks. He pictured their broad powerful wings as they soared on the air currents, scanning the land below for anything they might eat. COME HELP ME! THERE WILL BE SNACKS!

  All this ripped through his mind in a fraction of a second. He felt the air rushing past him as they fell from the window, cold air rippling their clothes. He closed his eyes and sent one final plea. SNACKS!!!

  The sensation was similar to falling backward onto a trampoline or one of those inflatable bouncy castles that he had loved so much as a child. He opened his eyes to find that they were absolutely surrounded by a cloud of fluttering, flapping feathers. Raucous bird cries filled the air.

  Dmitri stopped struggling. “I don’t believe it.” He started to laugh.

  They were wafting gently down toward the pavement. They passed the windows, going more and more slowly. The seagulls had gathered into a sort of raft, interweaving their wings into a single feathery platform. With gentle grace, they coasted to the ground. Dmitri and Brendan rolled off their raft of birds, and it gracefully dissolved into a carpet of screeching seagulls, heads bobbing and twisting as they looked up at Brendan with beady eyes. The caws slowly distinguished themselves into a single word. “Food? Food? Food?”