Dwarg in the Seventh Dimension : The Aggie Kellor Experience

by Tony Lourensen

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE – ON THE ROAD AGAIN

  The first thing one notices on arrival at Geneva airport is the incessant outpouring from the guilt industry. “Madam, the amount of carbon dioxide emission from your trip from Boston is calculated at 4.5 tonne. Would you prefer to pay the offset of CHF152 to the general fund which is other than for Switzerland or for the offset within Switzerland for CHF512?”

  “What’s this shit? Is it compulsory?” asked Edna, who did not have the best of the long flight – she was seated next to the toilets and for some reason there was a continual row of people queuing along the aisle and getting into her space.

  “No madam, it is voluntary and to compensate for ones usage of carbon, a “footprint” one has left – it is for the good health of the planet.”

  “Tell you what young man, when I get back home I’ll plant a few trees, that way I know I’ve balanced a bit of Mother Nature. Now go away and annoy the airline staff who served up the food which made most of the passengers spend abnormal times in the crapper – those are the emissions that should be compensated for - big time.”

  Professor Rienus Lien on the contrary, had had a wonderful flight. He met up with the trio at Boston International with plenty of time to spare before the flight to Geneva. He had an open return ticket, travel warrants compliments of the UO and oh yes, those free vouchers for performances at La Scala. He had enjoyed coffee and cake at the terminal building and some hearty chatter with Edna, whom he thought was an absolute delight. Here was a salt of the earth woman, no nonsense, straight talking and he adored her melodic New England accent. “So what do I call you Prof?”

  “Rienus is fine Edna.”

  “OK, Prof it is then. So we have 40 minutes before boarding time – let’s hear your story – none of that boring educational stuff, tell me about your family and your upbringing and anything I should know to be wary of.”

  “Aw Edna, I know you know, that young Aggie has all the details about my life – I’ve been through the “Aggie Kellor Experience”- as our deputy so aptly put it. She must have told you that I have had a non descript and unexciting life of academic pursuits. I was a bit sceptical about her abilities to see into one’s soul, but when she proceeded to tell me things about my past, my interests – even some quirky things I didn’t even know were quirky – I’ve become quite convinced that she has a genuine talent or sensitivity in interpreting personalities.”

  “OK fair enough, I take your point Prof – still you must be proud to know you are related to Thomas Jefferson.”

  “What! What’s that? – Thomas Jefferson – how? who? – Oh I get it – the Aggie Kellor Experience.......right?....right Edna?

  “Um, you know Aggie thinks you also have a lot in common with a guy called Glenn Seaborg, he was some sort of a chemist back in the forties and fifties, apparently he won a Noble Prize – have you heard of him?”

  “Wow, if Aggie thinks that, I am indeed honoured. Doctor Seaborg discovered plutonium and was my hero. I actually met him once in 1963 in Philadelphia. He was there to receive the Franklin Institute Medal. You know Edna, he was responsible for adding 10 new elements to the periodic table – and was even honoured to have had an element named after him - Seaborgium – (Sg). Throw in finding over 100 different atomic isotopes, countless honours and awards, papers, text books, lectures and publications, advisors to three US Presidents – he was truly a man of the century and revered throughout the scientific world and..... OK Edna, nice sidetrack, now what’s that about Thomas Jefferson?”

  “Whoops, it’s something Aggie mentioned Prof. Don’t ask me to explain the whys and wherefores – she has some sort of ESP about family ties and links – maybe she checked you out on the net, I don’t know – maybe you should do some research on your background, might be fun to find out you’re related to the first and last Confederate President.”

  “I think you mean Jefferson Davis, Edna. Thomas Jefferson was one of the founding fathers – he was the force behind our Declaration of Independence. Was he the one Aggie mentioned?”

  “Now I’m confused Prof, which one liked a bit of interracial hanky-panky when his wife’s back was turned?”

  “Hmmm, both of them I believe.”

  Edna starred directly into Rienus’s eyes. “Yes I believe that both of them were into slavery - hope the Jefferson genes have improved down the line.” She saw his eyes widen and at the very last second, she laughed out loud. “Aw Prof, you should have seen your face just then.”

  Rienus smiled and said, “Hmm I wonder if Aggie knows about Gunter Nimitz from the University of Cologne. He’s demonstrated that there are ways of going faster than the speed of light. It’s all revolves around something called quantum tunnelling where perhaps the mind might actually travel forward or back in time. The laws of physics don’t actually forbid it, so who knows, Aggie may just have somehow found a path to do just that. Anyway, I digress. Slavery – hmm that may just explain why I have a passion for collecting whips and manacles – must be in the blood.” They both laughed. Aggie and Megan came back from browsing in the Duty Free Store.

  “Ok, what’s so funny Aunt?”

  “Oh nothing much, the Prof here was just telling me about how to keep a captive audience – what you got there sweetie?”

  “Elizabeth Taylor’s Red Door, here take a whiff.”

  “Mmmn..Goddamn if that’s not the best smelling odour I’ve sniffed – much better than that Arome et Perfume de Gaul young Jade gave me for Christmas two years ago. Only got a quart of it to go. Sometimes I suspect he bottled it himself – anyway, I promised him I’d use it all – if anything, it keeps the mosquitoes offa me. And you Megan, find any bargains honey?”

  “Well I’ve bought these CDs on learning to speak French – wouldn’t do any harm – might come in handy talking to the natives over there.”

  “Yes, I guess it would cramp your style to have Aggie over your shoulder translating the sweet nothings between you and your native.”

  “Aw Edna, you’re such a bitch, but I still like you....oops that’s my phone.”

  They all watched Megan on the phone – she became livid and paced up and down. No-one could hear what she was saying, but she was saying it loudly – finally she trode back to the table and took a long sip from her soda bottle. “Well it’s this way guys, I had us booked and confirmed on this flight as business class. To cut to the chase, the airline had overbooked and downgraded us to tourist class. We can grin and bear it and go now, or wait for the next flight which is five hours away. Sorry, but had I known earlier, I could have made other arrangements.”

  Edna shrugged her shoulders, “don’t bother me too much, might be a pleasant change to travel with the commoners , what do you say Professor? Do you fancy being strapped in like a slave and transported to another country with nigh a platter of croquettes nor a drop of Chardonnay?” All agreed that another five hours wait was out of the question.

  As they walked toward the departure counter for their final call, Aggie tugged at Edna’s sleeve. “Slaves? Aunt, you’ve been saying things out of class, haven’t you?”

  “Er, I thought you had already told him he was related to a Jefferson, Thomas was it?”

  “Yes Aunt, I’m sure glad I didn’t tell you about Jefferson’s affairs with the dozens of prostitutes around Paris – yes he was once a diplomat in France. The Professor would be horrified to learn that one of his forebears was conceived on a park bench in the garden behind the Notre Dame church. Dwarg even told me something funny about the incident – during the lovemaking, a passing pigeon pooped on Jefferson’s bare bottom.” The hysterical shriek from Edna made most of the travellers in the crowded terminal turn to see its cause.

  At Geneva, the group collected their luggage from the carousel and passed through the customs counters without incident. Edna then turned to Megan and said, “I’ve seen that young man before. Our last trip - Megan, isn’t that the guy from the restaurant in Geneva – your hunky native
– I’m sure it’s him – take a closer look.”

  “I think Aunt Edna is right Megan. Looks like he’s now a greeter for CERN – he’s holding a sign – I think he’s looking for us – he is. Stephano stood at the end of the aisle holding a sign with LIEN and CERN neatly written on it. “I am Professor Lien from the University of Oklahoma and these are my associates.”

  “Oui, professor, please allow me to collect your baggage, I have a baggage trolley over there.” Stephano did not look directly at Rienus – his gaze was firmly upon Megan. He recognized her at once – this was the beautiful girl he had once seen while working at the Restaurant and still remembers. He had dreams about her, she was his imaginary girlfriend and his friends were bored with his tales of having seen the most special and breathtaking female on the planet. Now she was here, right in front of him – his heart beat loudly.

  Megan smiled at him and held out her hand. “I know you from somewhere, have we met before? My name is Megan.”

  Instinctively, Stephano took her hand and kissed the back of it, “Miss, only in my dreams. I am Stephano and am pleased to take your party to your accommodation.” Aggie held out her hand and Stephano, with an exaggerated bow, kissed the back of her hand as well. Edna kept her hands to herself. She knew that Stephano was unsuspectingly undergoing the Aggie Kellor Experience. “The Limousine is just around the corner and there is plenty of room. Please follow me, allow me to take that bag off you Miss Megan.”

  Edna smiled and said, “Smooth as warm Swiss chocolate, don’t you think Miss Aggie?”

  “Indubitably, Miss Edna.”

  “I’ll just carry my own bag” whispered Rienus, struggling to keep the small mountain of luggage from falling off the trolley, “hope this guy is a better driver than a porter.”

  Their reception at the hotel was above expectations. Professor Lorenz was waiting for them at the huge revolving entrance doors. With a beaming smile, he opened his arms to greet Aggie. “Ah lassie, it’s so good to meet you again, I’m so excited that we can do this together – I’ve gone over your formulae and equations several times and hopefully later we can put them to the test. Everything is prepared and we just need your final check before we push the button. Now, who have we here? – ah Professor Lien, I recognise you from your photo on your paper The Interpretation and Concept of Heavy Element Structures – I found it very useful with my own research into transurics.”

  “Very pleased to meet you Professor and I must say I admire your work. I’ve followed your progress since the first trial. I must admit that I’m a little jealous of the facilities you have at CERN and grateful that I’ve the opportunity to see the LHC in action.” They shook hands.

  “And Edna and Megan you may remember from their last trip.”

  “But of course – welcome back ladies. I remember you both sipping hot chocolate from the vending machine at the Visitors’ Centre – it really was a cold day that day, but your young lassie here certainly warmed up my day with her brilliant observations and comments.”

  Rienus said, “Aggie’s been quite the researcher and the pride of the University of Oklahoma. I’ve been asked to accompany her for any support she may require, but to be candid, I think my real mission was to make sure that nobody poached her away from us.”

  “The thought had crossed my mind Professor, but from our correspondence and what I know of Aggie, she is an independent and free spirit and knows her path.”

  Aggie smiled, inwardly she became more anxious. Free spirit is one thing, free of spirit is another, and all too soon, Dwarg would be leaving her.

  “So Aggie, we have the go-ahead the day after tomorrow. Tomorrow we can do our programming at the lab, double check our calculations, set up and calibrate the detectors and instruments and let the worker bees wind up the elastic bands.”

  “By the way, I have only pencilled in the project name as OEUS – Oklahoma and Edinburgh Universities, but I would like you to give it a formal name, whatever you like.”

  “Gee thanks Professor Lorenz – how about Project DWARG ONE? ... no, better still, take out the space, how about...DWARGONE, yep, I like that.” Edna stifled a laugh and wondered who really thought that one up.”

  “Project Dwargone it is then. You have Stephano at your disposal for the duration. You have the rest of today free – go and check out Geneva, have a fondue and be merry. I take it that your Aunt and Megan won’t be coming to the lab tomorrow?”

  “No, and I don’t think Stephano would mind showing them the sights and sounds of the city tomorrow, would that be OK with you Megan? Aunt?”

  Megan was quick to answer - “Only if you’re sure you won’t need me - how about you Edna?”

  “Looks like it’s you and Stephano tomorrow. I think I’ll have a lazy day – might even check out those nick-knack shops we saw on the way here – I won’t need a car for that.” Edna gave Megan a knowledgeable wink and thought to herself that she should have a little chat with Stephano before the roller-coaster ride took off. At least Aggie appeared to be reassured about Stephano, but mother hen Edna still had her protective instincts on alert.

  “OK, Aggie, I’ll be here around 8 am tomorrow to collect you, and you, Professor Lien. I’ve tried to shortcut some of the administrative requirements and obligations, but you will still have to undergo the compulsory safety training before we get too far. You will need to attain at least a Level 4. Your Miss Megan has seen to it that all the medical tests and doctors’ certificates are in order, but before you are issued with your film badges and dosimeters, it’s back to the classroom for a few hours. Oh by the way, all expenses are paid and the room service is 24 hours. Enjoy.”

  Aggie asked, “Before you go Professor, I’ve heard that the LCH has just reached a new record in higher beam intensity?”

  “Indeed lassie, it’s now at a luminosity of 4.67. The Director is ecstatic. Personally, I think it’s more about having one over on the USA. Anyway, we’re going to keep it at that level for the rest of this year – don’t want to upset everyone’s calculations for a while yet. OK, don’t forget to bring all your documents, ID’s and especially your passports. Collegues au revoir.”

  Aggie shook Professor Lorenz’s hand, “avoir un professeur, merci de votre amitie.”

  As the group was shown to each of their rooms, Rienus Lien just couldn’t stop himself from asking, “Aggie, you speak French?”

  “Oui monsieur, mais ne me demandez pas de pigeons derriere Notre-Dame.”

  Professor Lien had studied and knew the French language quite well. He thought to himself, what a strange answer – why the hell should I not ask her anything about pigeons? I don’t like pigeons - never have.