Jaxar

by Nancey Cummings

  Nakia waved away her concern. “Don’t worry about it.”

  “No, please. You deserve to be compensated for your time.” She had no idea what lawyers charged, but she wasn’t flat broke. Her current position had a generous paycheck, so maybe she could work out a payment plan.

  “You’re doing me a favor. Honestly,” Nakia said. “I only did real estate contracts back on Earth, so this is good practice for me. As for the other issue with your employment contract, I’m still digging into that. I just don’t know anything about Sangrin law so there’s a lot of reading. I’m thinking I should enroll in classes.”

  Van shook her head, astounded that a stranger would do so much to help another stranger. “Then let me do something for you. Friends help each other, and I’d like to call you a friend.”

  A warm smile graced Nakia’s face. “There is something, but you’re not going to like it.”

  She didn’t have to say it. Van already knew. “You want me to forgive Jaxar.”

  “Nope. That is your decision to make. Just talk to him. He’s miserable and doing sad-puppy-dog eyes all the time at my place and I’m sick of it.”

  Van immediately wanted all the details. How miserable was he? Eating ice cream right out of a carton miserable? Sitting in the dark and listening to sad music? Lying in bed and staring at the ceiling? Or staring out at the cold darkness of space, feeling as if the vacuum accurately reflected his soul?

  She took a bit of twisted pleasure in knowing he was unhappy and suffering, just like her. More than her, if she had to be honest. Sure, anger fueled her emotional engine, but so far, she liked the people she met, liked her job, liked her cabin, liked the bigger salary, and liked the safety of the ship. She liked everything about her situation except how she got there.

  “Not today. Probably not tomorrow, but I will,” Van said.

  “The entire level is to be refurbished,” Fennec said. They picked a path through the corridor, sidestepping crates and avoiding gaps in the floor paneling. A warrior stood waist-deep in a service hatch; his tools spread on the floor in a hazardous pattern.

  “This level is quite old, and the clan is growing. We need room for our mates and families,” Fennec added, pride infused in every word as if he personally had a harem of mates and needed a sprawling complex to house them.

  Her sour mood was not fair to Fennec. “How much refurbishment are we talking?” she asked. The swooping organic lines of the interior design created a fair amount of shadows but also had a warmth that other sections of the ship lacked. She would hate for the older level’s character to be stripped away in the name of progress.

  “New systems.” He rattled off an impressive list that started with the electrical and included security, life support, ventilation, cleaning functions, and other abbreviations that sounded highly technical, but she had no idea what they meant.

  At a juncture, Van could see the gentle curve of the corridor as it stretched down its considerable length, periodically broken by the arches of emergency containment barriers. To one side, a dense, clear material separated them from the vacuum of space. It looked as thin as a pane of regular glass, but Van knew the material was a high-density composite, tough enough to form the outer hull and withstand a direct hit, even without shielding. The entire outer wall on this side was designed for spectacle. Open from floor to ceiling, it created the illusion of walking among the stars.

  Van paused. The naturally low lighting allowed the stars to shine brighter. Her reflection stared back in the window.

  As far as she could tell, the Judgment was a massive ship, but the crew and all the people on board only occupied a fraction of the available space. It made sense to keep part of the ship maintained and ready for habitation.

  Murky yellow glass embedded at the base of the windows caught her attention. She crouched down, using the cuff of her sleeve to wipe away the years of dust. Working her fingers into the groove, she lifted the block. A feeble light glowed from within.

  “It’d be a shame to lose the aesthetic. This level isn’t like any other place in the ship,” she said.

  “This is the style of the original builders of the Judgment,” a male who was not Fennec said.

  Van tensed at the rough voice. She rose to her feet and turned her back to face Fennec, ignoring Jaxar entirely. “The connection is corroded. All of these probably need to be replaced, but I just do algae, not light fixtures.” She handed the block to Fennec and moved to leave.

  Jaxar lightly touched her wrist. “We need to speak.”

  Jaxar

  Vanessa squared her shoulders and stood with one foot planted in front of the other. Knees slightly bent, she stood in the perfect fighting stance. “If you’re here to rub it in, too bad. I’m not interested in childish games.”

  “What am I rubbing in?”

  “The fire. The evacuation,” she said, stressing the word as if it had a hidden meaning. She waited. “Of the Vel Mori moon?”

  “I do not know of this event. I came here to apologize,” he said, bypassing the need to learn all the details of the evacuation. Apologies first.

  She considered him for a long moment, her gaze as sharp as any knife. Finally, her stance relaxed, and she crossed her arms over her chest. Jaxar did not like that she moved into a defensive position. He’d rather her clench her hand in a fist, ready to strike.

  “Well, get on with it,” she said.

  “Not here. Too many eyes are watching us. Follow me.”

  “Why do I feel like you’re tricking me into going to a second location? Fine. But no abducting me. Double abductions are not cool.”

  “Understood.” He resisted the urge to clarify that he had not abducted her, but there was nothing to be gained in arguing a fine detail. Her meaning was clear.

  The level was a twisting warren of corridors. A wide corridor formed a ring around the entire level, but the area within that ring held no logic in the layout. It had too many blind corners. As a child, he loved the meandering paths. As an adult, he understood how those same paths created an indefensible position. There were too many places for an assailant to hide. Part of the rehabilitation planned to simplify the design.

  In the heart of the level, the corridor opened into a cavernous space. Overgrown and neglected, the remains of the garden flourished in wild abandon. The soft light from the corridor did not penetrate the garden and the ceiling vanished into darkness. Pieces of natural bioluminescence filled the darkness, glowing in gentle golds, pale blues, and delicate greens.

  “This is like a labyrinth,” Vanessa said, wonder filling her voice. “Has this been here the whole time?”

  “This is the Night Garden.” Taking her hand, he drew her into the dark and steered her toward a bench. The seat appeared solid enough, though the old wood creaked and groaned even under her slight weight. “I used to play here as a youth,” he said. “My parents died when I was four years old. I do not remember much, but I remember this place.”

  She swiveled in place, taking in the garden. Her pupils expanded in the dark. He knew it was a reaction to the low light levels, but it resembled how her pupils had blown wide with desire after their kiss. He could not resist the temptation to breathe in her scent.

  There. Green and rich, like soil ready to burst with life.

  “It’s unreal,” she said.

  “It is abandoned.” Ghosts filled the ruins of the garden, causing a swirl of emotions to swell in his chest that threatened to steal the very breath from him. Sorrow for the parents he barely remembered and nostalgia for the scant few places of theirs that remained. The crushing need to have someone who was just his and the deep regret that he destroyed his chances with her.

  Crouched at her feet, he took a moment to appreciate her beauty. The entire garden could have been constructed just to compliment her features. In the darkness, she glowed with her own internal light. Chestnut hair vanished into shadows and her velvety brown eyes shone.

  Wishing her eyes shone with devo
tion, perhaps even love, he accepted that irritation and annoyance were more likely culprits. He had so much he needed to explain, to share with the female he longed to claim as his mate. “I do not know where to begin,” he said, honestly.

  Vanessa crossed her arms, posture stiff, and raised her brows. “Figure it out. I can wait.”

  In their previous encounters, he had not interpreted her body language correctly, but even he could tell that her patience had been tried to the point of breaking.

  Annoyance. Without a doubt.

  “I must apologize for the egregious manner in which I treated you,” he started. She opened her mouth, no doubt for some sharp barb, but he continued to speak. “Please. I should beg your forgiveness, explain my reasoning, how I twisted logic and events to take what I wanted, but I do not deserve forgiveness. My actions were unforgivable. I see that now. I did not respect you as a person and if you never want to see my ugly face again, I understand.”

  The tight expression on her face relaxed, followed by a loosening in her shoulders. “You’re not so ugly.”

  “The exterior shell, perhaps.” Inside, he feared he was grotesque, twisted by years of emptiness. Abandoned. Those feelings warped his judgment.

  “Hey. None of that. You’re objectively handsome.” She lightly brushed his hand, then withdrew her hand, as if thinking better of the gesture.

  Vanessa was so lovely, inside and out. Cautious, yes, but also compassionate. He did not deserve her compassion or patience. Her affection remained so far beyond his reach that it was not worth mentioning.

  “I have wronged you. I will disclose everything to the warlord and await his judgment,” he said. At best, Jaxar would suffer a broken horn and wear his shame for all to see. He did not lie to the warlord, but he misrepresented the facts. He deserved any punishment Paax decided, even if it meant being banished from the clan. The thought of losing the last link to his parents made his gut ache, but he would face the consequences of his actions.

  He moved to rise, intending to go directly to Paax.

  “Wait, wait.” She grabbed his hand, her fingers wrapping around his. He stared at their joined hands, amazed that she could stomach touching him. “Thank you for offering to throw yourself on your sword for me, but shouldn’t I have the option to forgive you?”

  “You cannot.”

  “I think you’ll find that you should never tell me what I can and cannot do,” she said, her tone brooking no argument. “Just stay a minute, okay. You wanted to talk, so let’s talk.” She tugged on his hand and he sat beside her on the bench.

  They sat side by side, not touching but close enough that Jaxar could feel her gentle inhalations and hear the steady beating of her heart.

  “How is your heart?” he asked, unable to sit comfortably in the silence.

  “You can hear my heart. You tell me.”

  “Strong.”

  She shook her head. “Not so strong but doing okay. The headaches from the concussion went away after a week and the medic said my ribs healed nicely.” She sighed. “I’m tired and angry and I don’t see how to get past this anger. That’s how my heart is.”

  He waited, for once letting Vanessa take the time she needed to find the words.

  “I’m not even that angry at you. Well, I am, but it’s like when you have a bad day. Nothing is going right, but it’s a series of little problems. Nothing huge, you know? Nothing you shouldn’t be able to handle, but the hits just keep coming and finally you snap because the day wore you down and you’re tired of the bullshit.” She picked up his hand and turned it over, palm up. Her soft fingers traced the lines in the palm. “You did some shitty things, but so did I.”

  “No,” he protested.

  “Hush. I did. I know there’s no such thing as a casual fling with the Mahdfel.”

  “True enough, at least for me.”

  Her lips screwed in something that might resemble a smile, but it was not her carefree smile, the one that warmed her eyes and made his heart sing. It was a jagged, bitter thing and he did not like it. He would tear apart the ship piece by piece with his bare hands if that would remove the expression, but the only action he could take was to sit and let Vanessa empty her heart.

  “I knew you wanted to court me. I should have shut it down immediately, but it was nice to feel wanted.” She shrugged a shoulder. “That was selfish of me, I know. The entire time I kept telling myself that it didn’t matter that you kissed me because when you found out the truth about me, about my ex, about why he left, you’d walk away.” She smoothed down the front of her shirt and stared directly forward. “He said I was weak, you know. Well, the warlord did. Havik didn’t even have the decency to tell me it was over. He sent the warlord, who told me the clan could not support weak females. I mean, I get that the planet was hostile. I couldn’t even go outside it was so bad, but to send someone else to tell me it was over? That was weak. Cowardly.”

  “Dishonorable,” he said. If he ever encountered the male who hurt Vanessa and then had the audacity to slink away—

  His mind went red, unable to finish the thought.

  She nodded. “It’s all jumbled up in me, you know? I’m angry at my ex and at that stupid warlord who enabled him to be such a bastard. I’m angry that I was picked to even go to that fucking planet, which is like being mad at the universe because it was just random chance.”

  He refrained from explaining that compatibility was determined through several factors. The influence of random chance was negligible.

  “I’m mad that the Suhlik took away my parents and my childhood. You know, I used to have a best friend. Her name was DeeDee. I don’t know what happened to her. We used to ride all over town on our bikes.” Vanessa leaned to one side and brushed the leaves of the closet bush with her fingertips. The dark green leaves flared briefly with a silvery light. “I’m so mad that my dad just… just failed as a person. He didn’t die in the Invasion, but he might as well have. He left me in an orphanage. Did I tell you?”

  “You did not.”

  “Oh yeah. I didn’t even know he was alive until I was eighteen. I guess he was too busy destroying his liver to bother finding me.” Her voice wavered. “I majored in biology because I wanted to be a botanist. He had a green thumb. Plants made me feel closer to him. The version of him before, I mean. Not after.” She lifted her chin, staring straight ahead again. “Fuck him. I’m not wasting my life crying because my daddy loved booze too much and would rather drink himself to death and…” Her words trailed off. “It’s easier to be angry than sad. I don’t know how to not be angry, Jaxar.”

  “That sounds exhausting.”

  She let out a shaky laugh. “Yeah. My motivation to get shit done is off the charts, though. That’s the silver lining.”

  “Your former mate behaved in a most dishonorable fashion. Where can I find this male so I may break his horns and lay them at your feet in tribute?” he said.

  “Rolusdreus, and he doesn’t have horns, but I appreciate the sentiment.” She gave an affectionate pat on this thigh. “You could rip the barbs out of his tail, though. I could, I don’t know, make a necklace out of it.”

  “Stars, you are a bloodthirsty female. How are you so attractive?”

  A smile. A genuine smile. “I’m not broken,” she said.

  “I know.”

  “I can’t have children and I don’t want you to hope that some procedure is going to fix me. I’m not broken,” she repeated. “This is just the way my body is, like being near-sighted. That probably doesn’t help explain because you guys don’t need glasses. Ever.”

  “Incorrect. My friend Rohn is partially blind due to an injury.”

  “Ah.” They sat in silence again. Finally, she spoke. “You really should find someone else to make a family with.”

  He tilted his head to one side. “Do you find me unattractive?”

  “I think I said you were handsome, so stop fishing for compliments.”

  “Vain? That is true. Dull? S
low-witted? Nakia tells me often that my head is stuffed with potatoes. I do not know what that is, but it sounds insulting.”

  “It’s not flattering,” Vanessa said.

  “Is my manner boorish and displeasing to you?”

  “Other than strong-arming me onto your ship? No. I liked you up until then.”

  “I like you too,” he said, helpless to stop a pleased grin. “I asked you to be my mate, but you said you needed time. I am not proud of my actions, but I positioned us to have more time.”

  “I meant like a long-distance dating. Talking over the network. Sending messages. Lots of people do that when they can’t be in the same place.” She waved a hand as if that demonstrated the bizarre concept.

  “Courting without being in the same location? Impossible.”

  “It’s real. Trust me. Let’s just call that a cultural difference.”

  “May I court you? I will be as slow as you dictate. Glacial. Ice ages will look upon me and be envious of my patience.”

  “Jaxar, I’m serious.”

  “As am I. You are the one for me. The only female I want, for the rest of my days.” He reached for her hand, inordinately pleased when she did not jerk away. “Your face is the first thing I want to see in the morning and the last thing I see at night. I want to hoard your smiles because they are a true treasure.”

  “We won’t have children.”

  “I do not care. Let the other males in the clan supply the next generation.”

  “But your instincts will make you want a son. You won’t be able to fight it and you’ll just grow to resent me. I don’t want you to look at me that way, with hate and regret in your eyes.”

  As if he ever could.

  “Impossible,” he said.

  “Stop saying impossible and listen to me.”

  “I am. I hear your breaths. I hear your heart pump. I hear that you are agitated and do not believe me. Now listen to me,” he said. He lifted his shirt and placed her hand over his heart. “Can you feel my heart?”