Skulduggery Pleasant: Last Stand of Dead Men

by Derek Landy

  “You say that like it wasn’t fun,” Tanith said.

  Finbar looked at Skulduggery. “I’m not talking to her. Please tell her not to interrupt. I can’t handle talking to her.”

  “Finbar,” said Tanith, sounding hurt, “why can’t we be friends? I used to be you. I know everything there is about you. All your secret thoughts, all your little desires …”

  “Tanith, shut up,” said Skulduggery. “Finbar, please continue.”

  Finbar cleared his throat again. “Right, yeah, OK. So anyway, I have to be careful about what I open myself up to these days. But this morning I had a vision. And it was a vision of, of me. I don’t … Sensitives don’t normally get visions of themselves, but there I was, here, in this very room, and I look out this window and … and there are these people, walking through the streets, some of them hovering in the air, and they’re shooting these beams of light and buildings are exploding and people are going bananas and vaporising when they’re hit and there are cops, there are loads of cops, shooting at them, having no effect. Then this place gets hit, and there’s all this noise and rubble, and I’m trapped and I look up and one of them, one of these people, passes by me, and then my vision goes deeper, because I kind of … I go into his head, y’know? And I see what he’s seen.

  “And suddenly I know who he is, and that he’s a Warlock, and I see him in the Sanctuary, in this big machine, and from the sounds of it it’s this Accelerator you keep talking about, and there’s this guy and, I don’t know, maybe thirty or forty others. All getting jacked up on Accelerator juice. And leading the pack is this huge big bald fella, with more muscles than I’ve had hot dinners. And I’ve had a lot of hot dinners. Sharon makes a wicked curry.”

  Valkyrie looked at Skulduggery. “What would the Warlocks be doing in the Sanctuary? They think Department X is real. Shouldn’t they be attacking mortal targets?”

  “What the hell does it matter?” Sanguine asked. “The Roarhaven shield ain’t letting anybody through, Warlock or not.”

  “That’s not what I saw,” Finbar said. “When I saw into this bloke’s head, I saw them kill all the sorcerers who went against them. They get in, they use the Accelerator, and after that there’s no one to stop them. Dublin … Dublin’s destroyed. And it’s probably only the start of what they’ll do.”

  A city in ruins. Valkyrie had seen that before.

  “It wasn’t just us who evaded capture in the valley,” said Skulduggery. “A few other groups got out, too. I’ve been in contact with some of them. They’ve heard that six experts in science-magic are scheduled to enter the country today in a small convoy. It’s safe to assume that Mantis will be using them to try to bring down the Roarhaven shield.”

  “So we intercept?” asked Saracen.

  “You do,” said Skulduggery. “If possible, subdue and detain. But it won’t be easy. Security will be very tight.”

  “And what about you?” Sanguine said. “While we’re going up against overwhelming odds, what are you gonna be doing?”

  “We change the future. In order to stop the Warlocks, and the Supreme Council for that matter, from getting to the Accelerator, we’ll need a way to get through the shield ourselves. So Valkyrie and I will be going after Fletcher.”

  Donegan sat up a little straighter. “The woman my contact put us in touch with, Ajuoga – it turns out she might very well be a Bride of Blood Tears.”

  Skulduggery looked at him. “This contact of yours, can he help us find her?”

  “I’m afraid not. He was found dead two days ago. The Brides don’t leave loose ends.”

  “Efficient but annoying. Very well – we have other ways of tracking them down.”

  “I can come, if you want,” said Saracen.

  “You’ll be needed to take down the convoy.”

  “Ah, I’m sure Dexter has that covered.”

  “No I don’t,” Vex said. “Sorry. If I don’t go hunting for Brides of Blood Tears, then you don’t go hunting for Brides of Blood Tears.”

  Valkyrie frowned. “What’s so special about the Brides of Blood Tears?”

  Saracen looked at her. “You’ll see,” he said. “If ever I had to be captured and shackled by anyone, I’d want to be captured and shackled by them. Oh, and take sunscreen.”

  “Sunscreen?” Valkyrie echoed. “Why? Where are we going?”

  Skulduggery looked at her. “Africa,” he said.

  hina’s shadows never left her. Everywhere she went in Roarhaven, they were behind her. She didn’t know their names. Two mages, that’s all they were, but they were impossible to lose. Not that she tried. She was focusing on getting her strength back, not on ditching the people who’d been assigned to keep an eye on her. She’d been from one side of this dreary little town to the other. She’d walked round the stagnant lake and approached the shield. On the other side, she could see Mantis’s army, preparing for attack. They’d been preparing for days.

  When she got back to the Sanctuary, Ravel was waiting for her. It was the first time she’d seen him since he’d murdered Ghastly Bespoke. Behind him stood the Black Cleaver, as silent and still as a corpse.

  “You’re back early,” Ravel said. “You don’t usually return from your walk for another hour.”

  She gave him a smile. “My shadows looked weary.”

  “Ah, yes, they’re not very subtle, are they? I hope you’ll forgive me, China, but you have a proud history of treachery. I doubt it’d take much to get you to add us to your list.”

  “Betray the only people keeping me safe?” she said. “You know me well enough to know that I am entirely self-serving. Vincent Foe and his group of miscreants are on the other side of your rather glorious shield. Believe me, I have no intention of doing anything to jeopardise my place within said glorious shield.”

  “Madame Mist tells me you’ve had a lot of phone calls lately. Don’t worry, we haven’t been listening in. With the number of firewalls you have in your phone, I’m surprised even you can hear what’s being said. But one of her little spidery acolytes had been making a note every time someone calls you.”

  “I’m a popular girl.”

  “Well, that’s just it. You’re not, are you? You once were, before Eliza burned your library to cinders.”

  “A temporary lapse, I assure you. Informants are notoriously fickle people, and they’re scared of uncertainty and loud noises. But now that I’m part of the Sanctuary, now that I have been seen to ally myself with Erskine Ravel himself, some old lines of communication are opening back up. I’m hearing whispers again.”

  “Anything interesting? Maybe something useful enough to allow you to remain under our protection for a while longer?”

  “I may have something for you.”

  “Skulduggery?”

  “The Warlocks.”

  “They don’t worry me. They may be powerful, but there are only a handful of them. And I don’t think we’ll be their target anyway. I have reason to believe they’ll be striking Dublin.”

  “Maybe you should start to worry. Do you remember what Wretchlings are?”

  Ravel frowned. “Yes. I think. They’re before my time, before yours too, but in the simplest terms, they were organic Hollow Men. Artificial, man-made people.”

  China nodded. “But instead of being made from foul gases and paper skin, they were made from meat and blood and entrails. Because of this, they were in a constant state of rot. No one has constructed any for a thousand years because of their sheer savagery. It would appear that thousand years is now up.”

  “Charivari has Wretchlings?”

  “Indeed he does. As to how many, I couldn’t say. It all depends how long he’s been planning this.”

  Ravel nodded slowly. She could tell he hadn’t expected this. It felt good to watch him frown after what he’d done.

  He snapped out of it. “That is interesting,” he said, “but I’m sure it’s nothing we can’t handle. I have a favour to ask, actually.”

  “Oh?”r />
  He gestured, and two men came hurrying forward. The sloppy one with the beard held a camera. The clean-shaven one held a notepad.

  Ravel smiled, all charm. “China Sorrows, allow me to introduce Kenny Dunne and Patrick Slattery.”

  They stared at her, and the one called Kenny started to blush.

  Slattery stepped forward. “I don’t make much money, but I will give you all of it. Whatever you want. I know we’ve just met, but I feel a connection between us, a real connection, and that’s not something that happens every day, it’s not something you can ignore. So here I am, a boy, standing in front of a girl, telling her he loves her.”

  Kenny barged forward. “He stole that from a movie.”

  “I did not,” said Slattery quickly.

  “He did. He stole it from Notting Hill.”

  “Only the last bit.”

  “I’d never steal a line from a movie for you,” Kenny said, gazing deep into China’s eyes. “You deserve more than that. You deserve poetry and originality and you deserve everything, everything in the whole world. I don’t deserve you, but … but if you give me a chance, then maybe I can become a man that you could some day love.”

  “He stole that from a movie,” Slattery said.

  “No I didn’t,” said Kenny. “It just sounds like I did because it’s from the heart.”

  “Mine was from the heart.”

  “Yours was from a DVD collection.”

  “I don’t own Notting Hill,” Slattery said, derision in his voice. “The only Richard Curtis film I own is Love, Actually because it’s actually a really lovely film.”

  “I haven’t seen it,” China said.

  “You could have a loan of mine if you like,” said Kenny.

  “Gentlemen,” Ravel said, “I asked China to talk to you in an effort to convince you to get our message across. China, some of my people stumbled across these two in Dublin, asking all sorts of odd questions. They brought them to me and I saw a way to help the Arts and our cause. Gentlemen, you’re making a documentary about us, after all. Wouldn’t it be better to let us help you make it?”

  Kenny spoke to Ravel, but couldn’t take his eyes off China. “We’re journalists,” he said. “We have journalistic … integrity. What you … what you were talking about sounded like you’d be telling us what we could and could not … you know … film …”

  “That’s not what I meant at all,” Ravel said. “All I meant was that if, God forbid, some people attack the mortal population of this country, you would have documented proof that we leaped to the mortals’ defence the first chance we got. Something like this, broadcast around the world, would show people that we weren’t a threat to them – that there was really no need to fear us. That in fact they might benefit from our … guidance.”

  “Sounds like propaganda,” Slattery said, smiling at China. “We’re journalists … our duty is to the … the … the whatchamacallit … the truth …”

  China looked at them both, and smiled. “Please?”

  Slattery whimpered and Kenny nodded so fast he could have given himself whiplash. “OK, no problem, I love you.”

  “Aw,” China said, “thank you.”

  he jeep slowed, and Skulduggery turned off the engine and they got out. The first thing that struck Valkyrie was how cold it was. There were no clouds, and more stars in that vast sky than she had ever seen. Her sense of wonderment was ruined by the yawn that overtook her. It had been a long flight and then a long drive and she was sore and tired. She didn’t know the name of this village, but it perched quietly on the edge of the Sahara Desert like an obedient puppy waiting to be petted.

  A man emerged from the shadows, walked over to them with a smile on his face. “Detectives,” he said, shaking their hands. “My name is Tau. The Council of Elders asked me to meet you here, and offer you any and all assistance. I believe you wish to visit the dwelling of the Brides of Blood Tears, is that right?”

  “They’re holding an associate of ours,” Skulduggery said. “We’re just here to ask for him back.”

  “The Brides are not known for giving up those things they have taken.”

  “We plan on being persuasive,” said Valkyrie.

  Tau smiled. “Indeed. The Brides live in a vast pyramid to the west of here. Come with me. I will take you to your transport.”

  Tau led the way round the outskirts of the sleeping village. A dog crossed their path, looked at them without interest and continued on.

  “Hey,” said Tau, “did you hear? Renato Bisahalani is dead.”

  There was surprise in Skulduggery’s voice. “By whose hand?”

  “He was struck down by assassins, so I’ve been told,” said Tau. “They’re dropping like flies, aren’t they? I am glad I have never been respectable enough to become an Elder.” He chuckled.

  A truck was parked behind a crumbling white wall. Valkyrie’s Necromancer ring turned cold.

  She reached out, a hand on Skulduggery’s arm, and they slowed. A dark mass lay crumpled by the truck’s rear wheel. Tau noticed it and jerked to a stop. Skulduggery tapped her, nodded to a pile of broken pots beside them. Behind it, another dead body.

  Tau turned, the shadows falling over his face. Then his hand started crackling with energy and he raised his arm and a large figure rushed him, a sword cutting through the arm at the wrist.

  Tau screamed, staggered backwards, and the sword swung again and took his head.

  Skulduggery remained absolutely still, so Valkyrie fought the urge to leap forward. She couldn’t see in the dark like he could.

  “Apologies for the drama,” Frightening Jones said, wiping his sword clean as he neared. “Their associates ambushed me this morning. One of them stayed alive long enough to tell me what they planned. Skulduggery, you’re looking well. Valkyrie, a pleasure as always.”

  Whenever she met Frightening, Valkyrie had to consciously stop herself from bowing. There was just something so inherently regal about this calm African – the way he carried himself was almost king-like.

  “Who were they?” Skulduggery asked.

  “Pirates,” said Frightening. “There is really no other word for it. They steal and loot and if their prize is worth enough, they sell it on. That’s what they were planning to do with you. The Supreme Council would pay handsomely for either of you in shackles.”

  “But you guys are on our side,” Valkyrie murmured, her eyes irresistibly drawn to Tau’s head, lying in the sand.

  “There are three Sanctuaries in Africa,” Frightening pointed out. “At the best of times, there are opposing factions. But now that our Elders are dead, more sorcerers are breaking away and looking out only for themselves.”

  “How are the replacement Elders?” Skulduggery asked.

  “Doing their job. Doing their best. Ravel made some good choices when he appointed them.” He lowered his eyes. “I … was sorry to hear about Ghastly. He was a friend, and a good man. I couldn’t believe that it was Ravel who did it.”

  “We’ll make him pay,” Skulduggery said.

  “Is it true?” Valkyrie asked. “About Bisahalani?”

  “It is,” said Frightening. “Zafira Kerias has assumed his place as Grand Mage of America. These are turbulent times we live in. But for now, your chariot awaits.” He led them round the truck. “It’ll take you most of the way, but from its endpoint on, you’ll need to walk. The Brides live in a pyramid that’s only visible from a certain angle, and they value their privacy. I’ve never been there myself, but I’ve been told if you stay on a south-south-westerly trajectory, you will eventually reach it.”

  “Eventually?” Valkyrie said, frowning. “How long is ‘eventually’?”

  “No more than seven hours.”

  “Wow. It’s a good thing Skulduggery can fly, then.”

  “Ah, no flying, I’m afraid.”

  “What?”

  “The Brides will detect any extraordinary usage of magic. Throwing a fireball will be fine. Flying, I am afraid, wi
ll not.”

  Valkyrie sagged. “So we have to walk? For seven hours? On sand?”

  “I have some water for you.”

  “How about a piggyback instead?”

  Frightening smiled. “If I were accompanying you, I would be honoured. Unfortunately, I have business in Egypt.”

  She immediately looked at Skulduggery, who immediately shook his head.

  “I’m not giving you a piggyback.”

  “But I got tired walking from there to here,” she whined. “Think how bad I’ll be after seven hours.”

  They stopped beside a double seat that someone had torn from a bus, and when they didn’t walk past it, Valkyrie’s frown deepened.

  “Please don’t tell me this is our chariot,” she said. When no one answered, she continued. “It’s a seat. There’s no car around it. There’s no engine. There aren’t any wheels. Chariots are meant to be pulled by horses. Where are the horses?” Her eyes widened, and she looked around them. “Are they invisible horses?”

  “Even the Brides of Blood Tears need to occasionally shop for supplies,” said Frightening. “This is the transport they have arranged for themselves. It travels at over two hundred kilometres per hour and cannot deviate from its course. I am told the journey to its endpoint will take nine hours.”

  Valkyrie stared. “So we sit on that thing for nine hours, travelling at a ridiculous speed, and then we have to walk for another seven hours? How is that practical?”

  “The Brides do not shop often.”

  “Apparently not.”

  Frightening handed her a canteen. “Here is your water. Granted, you probably don’t need this. You’re an Elemental, after all, you can conjure water from the moisture in the air.”

  Valkyrie made a face. “How much moisture is there in desert air?”

  Skulduggery brushed the seat clean of sand, and sat. “How many Brides should we expect to encounter?”

  “If you’re lucky?” Frightening said. “None. Hopefully, you’ll sneak in, find Fletcher, and you can all teleport back to Ireland before they notice you’re there. I don’t like dealing with witches. I don’t understand their magic and they, you know … they creep me out. But to answer your question … I was told there could be as many as three hundred Brides in that pyramid. And for every Bride there are at least two Devoted trailing after them.”