Common Sense Doesn't Become Me

by CJ Hawk

  Lil seemed to think that Hooch was such a great guy, that she invited him to Claire's Sunday BBQ. I did the southern hospitality thing and said 'why yes; we would love it if you could stop by, bout two I believe and don't need to bring anything, you know Claire', which was very true. My sister loved to throw Sunday barbeques. Ron loved to grill, smoke or simply hold a beer and hang with the guys. Claire loved to catch up on gossip, show off a new recipe and usually all the women brought the sides.

  Just as I was hoping that Hooch didn't think the open invitation meant I was interested, the hairs on the back of my neck began to tingle. Before I could turn, I heard the squeal of two six-year olds voices sound out in delight. "Uncle Bubba! Uncle Bubba!"

  I turned with a sultry smile on my face and put my hands on my hips. "Uncle Bubba! Why I do declare. Funny running into you here." He acknowledged me with a soft word of my name and a tip of his hat then he turned to Hooch.

  "Hooch."

  "Bubba. The usual."

  "Yep."

  "Got a date tonight?" Hooch had to add that. He knew our history.

  "Something like that."

  Hooch tipped his ratty old baseball hat at me and told me it was a pleasure, and he would see me on Sunday. Then he mentioned to the girls that he couldn't wait to see them. They giggled, and I squirmed as Bubba stood there before me looking like a sinful cowboy. His worn jeans held legs of muscle and buns of steel. His navy blue tee shirt was worn thin and soft looking with an old faded printing about something on trackers. I had a hard time reading it past his chest muscles that seemed extra pumped up right now. Then his arms crossed his chest, his head tilted and his cowboy hat tilted down and up as he was checking me out.

  "Uncle Bubba! You coming to the barbeque?" Lil was dancing a circle around him, and May was pulling on his shirt. "You coming Uncle Bubba? You coming?"

  Then I had to ask in my sexiest of voices with emphasis on the Uncle part. "Yeah 'Uncle' Bubba, you coming?"

  That last word out of my mouth got a look of lust and chagrin out of his face. In one fair swoop he picked up both girls and tucked them under his arms and swung them around, then put them on the ground and handed them a dollar bill and asked them to go get him a surprise out of the vending machine.

  I watched the girls run to the bank of vending machines and begin to argue over what to get their 'uncle' Bubba.

  I turned toward the man, once a boy, I was in love with, and smiled with a sexy smile and a tilt of my hips leaning in towards him to practically whisper to his lips. "Clever. Uncle Bubba."

  His body language went on guard, and he took a step back but had that dimpled smile upon his face stayed right there. I wondered if he was fighting with feeling as much as I was, or if he wanted to steer clear of Jules Hone aka his high school sweetheart Julie Marie Howland. Then he cleared his throat. "Yeah. Well, I wasn't sure if those innocent ears should hear what I am about to say."

  An instant defense went up faster than I had time to realize how sensitive I was to Bubba telling me something I didn't want to hear. "Then save it. Don't say it. I'm sure it's something mean about me. And when did they start calling you Uncle?"

  "Ever since Claire's been bringing them by for my momma to see. My momma watches those girls more than yours does. Not to mention that every time your momma has them, she brings them by. So Uncle Bubba just sounded nice." His words sounded like southern drawl sexuality on the last sentence. Like he wanted to make nice with me, maybe kiss me.

  I took a step back and shied away from the possibility. "I see." It made sense. My mom was the world's worst grandma when it came to babysitting, and my dad wasn't exactly babysitting material. Which brought me back to thinking, about having my own baby here in 'Bama' and who would actually be helpful. Claire for sure. Probably, Mrs. Champ, but really, who else would want to be my village.

  "It's not like that Julie. Listen, I saw Claire's minivan out in the lot being dried and was on my way to the grain and feed. There is some new stuff out..." He hesitated. "On you. I just thought you might want to be prepared."

  Now what could be worse than what was already out there? I raised my head high and tilted my shoulders back, which caused Bubba's eyes to wander to my newly purchased LA plastic surgeon special D cups. "I can handle it." But his eyes didn't leave my chest for a second until the girls came running back with a bag of peanut M&Ms.

  "My favorite!" He chimed in, and the girls giggled something about 'you always say that'.

  Hooch came back in with my keys, a tip of his hat and a, I'll see you Sunday Jules. Which no one from these parts usually called me that name, and I didn't want them to start. I would casually mention that to Hooch on Sunday.

  "Well gotta run. I promised the girls an Aunt Gone Wild visit, and I think I saw a little girl's fashion shop just two blocks down."

  Bubba walked us out to the parking lot, made sure the girls were buckled and then came around to the driver-side door and leaned in on the window within inches of my face. He handed me his business card, which I didn't look at until later. He tilted his hat with his hand and told me to 'drive careful now ya hear'.

  That was virtually impossible because when Bubba leaned in the window, I wanted nothing more than for him to kiss me. Even in front of the girls. My heart pounded, my hands sweated on the steering wheel, and his business card was now sitting between my thighs while I drove like a mad woman to the little girl fashion store two blocks away.

  Pulling up to Fashion Hut4Girls gave way to squeals of delight. They were out of their own seats and making a mad dash for the door screaming something about momma hasn't taken us here yet. Well, momma didn't have the platinum credit I had or at least have for a bit longer. So charge away my little sweeties.

  Then I looked at the business card in my hand. Bubba owned a farming equipment business. Not sure what that was all about, but what I was sure of was the scribbled hand writing on the side. "Call Me! We need to talk." Problem was, Bubba and I together, for more than two minutes and no public; we didn't talk. We made out. Now that we were adults, I think it would just go that much farther. In fact, after seeing Bubba once again at the car wash, there was not a single bone in my body that did not want that man naked and coming to my rescue. No bones about it at all. Problem was; Bubba seemed a bit reluctant to give me the type of passionate attention he did so well back in high school. I had a seductive way with men that I picked up back in LA. Maybe it was time I put that into motion with Bubba. Or maybe, I needed to get my life back on track and not be worrying about jumping in the sack with my old high school sweetheart. Either way, I'd call him if I was darn good and ready to call him.

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  Sample Chapters of Time To Put Your Boots On Girl

  Katy Beck is Caribbean bound with her best friend until a sip of bad luck makes everything go foggy and dark. Next thing Katy Beck knows is either her best friend is playing a bad joke, or she just stole her husband, her money and her looks. To make things worse that soon to be ex-best friend, Sabrina, just left her on the porch of an old run down shack, in the middle of a mountain, with only her beach bound attire.

  Katy had a way of making the worse seem better and maybe a good guardian angel or two. As luck would have it, she was plopped right in the lap of one very hot war hero and famous journalist. However, life isn’t always as easy as it seems and Katy wants to make sure she offers more back in her life then a set of DDs and a pretty smile.

  With every trick of the trade, Sabrina left a trail of misery for Katy. However, that is nothing a good sense of humor and new great friends can’t take care of. Plus, a little shiny thing called gold doesn’t hurt either.

  Chapter One

  In a dreamy state of mind, I settled into my husband’s limousine. I snuggled up alongside my best friend, Sabrina. We sipped our mimosas and began watching the sunrise, on the cool crisp fall morning. The empty road toward the airport seemed to go on forever. We were destiny bound for a long week in the Carib
bean, for a girlfriend’s getaway, while my husband acquired yet another company.

  I looked off into the horizon, watching the sun that was just starting to peak up and crest its rays upon the golden fields of farmland, lining the way to the airport for several miles. It felt like heaven was reaching out with fingertips on those golden fields of grain.

  I felt Sabrina’s hand grab mine as she whispered into my ear. “Drink up girlfriend. This is going to be the best trip yet.” A childish giggle exited her recently plumped up lips, and her hand guided my mimosa into my mouth. I took a very large gulp and watched from the corner of my eye as my husband’s driver, Haus, had a suspicious look in his eyes from the view of the rearview mirror. I passed it off quickly as I was very tired from not sleeping the night before, since I was always anxious before flying. This time, I was a nervous wreck.

  I glanced back over to Sabrina and smiled as I took another sip of my mimosa. I let the cool feel of the drink wash down my throat. I looked into her blue eyes and saw a twinkle to them as her lips smiled wide. My voice sounded slightly slurred to my ears. I passed if off as being tired. “We are going to have the best time.”

  Something was different about Sabrina this morning. She spent the last few months getting more work done on her body, face and hair, then what was considered normal. I was suspecting a new boyfriend was within reach. I took a long look at her beautiful features and thought to myself that since we had become best friends she had begun to look more like me every day. The blue eyes were natural. However, the long blonde hair, same hairstyle and fake boobs, practically matched my natural blonde hair and God-given curves men found so enticing I passed if off as a compliment. Who wouldn’t want their best friend to look, dress or even act like them after the three years they had been friends? Best friends at that.

  The last thing I remembered was the heavy feeling of my eyelids, as I rested my head against the back of the leather seat, facing towards the rising sun. I drifted off into sleep thinking of the ocean, the beach and the wonderful trip that was ahead of us. That was the last thing I remembered before my reality became a nightmare.

  I woke up to the sound of slamming doors. I pried my eyes open, then squeezed them closed and slowly opened them as I sat myself up from the far backseat of the limousine. Sabrina was nowhere around inside, nor was Haus. The limo sat parked, and I had a sudden state of confusion pounding inside my head.

  I rubbed my eyes and my forehead with the palms of my hands, trying to relieve some of the pounding. I was having a hard time adjusting my eyesight. Everything seemed hazy and out of proportion. I heard Sabrina shout something from outside to Haus and I felt the quick rush of air as the limousine door opened and bright full daylight blinded my eyes. I quickly shielded my eyes from the sun. Confused, I wondered how I could have fallen asleep so fast and hard. Wondering why the sun was so bright and why we should have been on a plane and landed about now, and we weren't in the Caribbean.

  “Miss.” It was a demand from Haus to take his extended hand and step out of the limousine. Trying to look around, I only saw the bright harsh sunlight dancing through the mountain aspen leaves, a rundown shack of a cottage on a single-lane dirt road and nobody else but us in sight.

  I looked into his eyes as I stood next to him, still holding my hand as if I was a princess. His name left my lips in a whisper, and his eyes seemed apologetic. He guided me towards the steps of the run-down cottage and sat me down. He quickly turned away and proceeded to get my purse out of the limousine seat I just left.

  It felt like lightning had crackled in the air, as Sabrina turned and looked at me in a very devilish grin and let out the most evil laughter. “I have waited, patiently mind you, for this very day. You, my dear, are out. I am in where I belong. Mathew was mine from the beginning, but you stole him from me. Now I have him back. You will no longer be Mrs. Mathew Rhinholt. You are now just plain Katy Beck, or you can still go by Klarissa, if you choose.” The evil laughter left her lips again.

  I sat there numb and confused. I was waiting for a camera crew from ‘the jokes on you’ to pop out of the woods. My eyes still could not focus entirely, and my head was beginning to feel as a vice grip had just been tightened.

  I watched Haus hand me my large purse, which was as big as some of my luggage. I pressed it against my chest as a shield against the way Sabrina was acting. I was thinking any minute now she will say ‘just kidding', and we would laugh our asses off. Then get back in the limo for a later flight. We had played practical jokes on each other before but not to this extreme.

  Haus turned to Sabrina as if she was the one he was serving. “Miss. I need to turn the limo around in that driveway across the road. Then I will be ready to go when you are. Are you ok here alone?” I watched his eyes glance towards me then back. What did he mean by alone? She was with me. What was I going to do? I could not focus on the house across the dirt road that the limo was parked in front of. My body felt like it was rocking itself in a chair back and forth. Nothing seemed real. I tried to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming, but my fingers did not seem to want to cooperate. I had to be dreaming.

  I watched all six feet plus of Haus, his golden curly hair, in his black suit and drivers cap, get back in the limo. I heard the limo start up and then we both watched him expertly turn the limo around on the single dirt lane road with only a small dirt driveway allowing him this privilege.

  It all felt surreal. I looked at Sabrina pleading for an answer with my eyes and felt the tug of tears building. Had my worst nightmare come true? A reoccurring one where Sabrina sat poolside; drink in hand, dressed in lavish jewels, in a gorgeous two-piece swimsuit while Mathew stood behind her and rubbed her shoulders telling me I was old news. Sabrina was the one for him now.

  Sabrina couldn’t and wouldn’t. We shared so much together. Mathew had a cold heart when it came to business, but he always took care of me, as long as I took care of him, in the sexual sense. Thinking quickly of how I took care of him nicely yesterday in the shower. He seemed more than happy and satisfied. There had been no indication things were going south for us. I was stunned. I wasn't able to speak. I fulfilled my end of the bargain.

  “By the look on your face and the drugs I doped you with; you're confused. So let me make this quick because Mathew and I have a plane to catch to the Caribbean mind you, to celebrate our success. See. You my dear are out. I saw Mathew first that night that we all met. I even claimed him, but I guess gentlemen prefer blondes. However, I have convinced Mathew that I will be the better trophy wife to your sorry GED ass.” Her laughter was wicked.

  I felt a small amount of bravado. “I won’t let you. I will take Mathew for half, and you can have him. I don’t need you or him, and I can live just fine off half of his sorry ass.” I crossed my arms in front of my chest with the straps of my purse dangling over my shoulder. Then the straps dropped to the crook of my elbow as I tried to stand up gracefully. I was like a bull in a china shop.

  “You are dumber than I realized. See behind you and the land you stand on, is where your sorry ass is going to live. The money in your purse is all you have to live on, and you divorced your husband weeks ago claiming you wanted nothing in return. See I was you and I filed for you. Starting to see the picture? Me, pretending to be you and start to look like you has been a three-year plan. Haven't you ever noticed how easily people got us confused?” Her laughter filled the air. I remembered back to when Sabrina was thirty pounds heavier than me along with a full head of chestnut brown hair. I shuddered at the difference, now that I was staring at her with the new information.

  Haus got out of the limo and opened the back door for her. His eyes were screaming I’m sorry. With Sabrina’s back to him, I knew that would change as soon as she looked at him. Christ she had even slept with Haus, claiming him as a victory. Making me vow to never tell. Now I would. Damn why hadn’t I saved any of her sleazy texts where she damned Mathew and would try to get me to steal from him and leave him. As far as I was co
ncerned, as the picture was taking shape, I didn’t need to pinch myself. This nightmare was my reality, but she could have him. As far as being flat out on my ass, I was going to be just that.

  I watched Sabrina drop a single key, on a smiley face key chain, right on my newly polished toes, in my adorable flip-flops, that I picked out for the trip.

  “So long sweetheart. Enjoy your humble abode.” The snap of her fingers sparked in the air. Within ten seconds, they were gone. I turned to look at the rundown cottage and realized that my entire luggage, six pieces of it, was sitting on the front porch with a missing step. My formals for the one night of fine dining, I packed several since I can never make up my mind. My gazillion swimsuits so I wouldn’t regret packing the perfect one. My makeup and hair kits in the luggage and everything in them, cost more than the fake boobs Sabrina was wearing.

  I saw a note taped to the front door. I took the porch steps carefully and ripped it off the holey screen door. A neatly typed note that anyone could have written on a computer was trembling in my hands.

  Klarissa,

  Darling, this may all be a shock to you, but it is for the best. I have a small bank account set up for you in the town down the hill from this house. See darling, Sabrina has saved all those nasty little e-mails you sent her about stealing from me and fake photos you produced to have me look as if I was gay. We know I am anything but. Sabrina will be my wife now, and as long as you keep your mouth shut and stay away from the tabloids; I will deposit your living expense into the bank account. Stay out of Denver, stay out of our circle of friends, stay out of sight, and you will stay alive. Speak any of this to anyone and you will pay dearly. It would do you good to go back to school and start a new life far away from us. The pictures Sabrina showed me of you with other men, was the final straw. I gave you a lavish life in exchange that you be my obedient wife. You failed me as you had failed your best friend. I wish you luck in your new life. Sabrina will have your things packed and shipped to you when we get back from the Caribbean.