"Liv, look at me. Please. Your whole body just tensed up and I can't continue with this anymore. I was just kidding, okay?" I refuse to look at him, because I'm holding back tears.
"Okay, if you won't look at me, then I'll tell you what he really said. He told me that the only mother that he wanted was you, Liv. He also told me he thinks that we love each other and he told me that I'm only allowed to marry YOU."
Awwww. I want to go wake him up and hug and kiss him. And I also want to knock the shit out of Cash for pulling another little prank on me. This one is way worse than scaring me in the "dungeon".
"Aww. He's so sweet." No way am I going to let him know how bad he just hurt my feelings.
"He's so sweet? That's all that you have to say?"
He puts his finger under my chin and tilts my head up to make me look at him, and the tears fell as soon as I looked into his eyes. I move my head away from him and pull the covers over my head. I know I'm acting like a spoiled child, but that was not funny at all.
"Honey, I'm so sorry. I was just trying to be funny and all I did was hurt your feelings in the process. I wish you would just hit me instead of crying, because you're breaking my heart." He tugs at the blanket and pulls it off of my head and looks down at me with sincerity in his eyes.
"You can be an asshole sometimes, ya know?"
"Yes, I know and I'll quit teasing you. Honestly, I was thinking you were going to rise up swinging, letting me know how pissed you were. You usually do that and I hate to admit it, but I love the make-up sex after one of our fights." So, he was hoping for make-up sex?
"Why would anyone want to purposely argue? Do you think I like arguing with you? I did that enough with Derek! Yeah, the make-up sex is great, but I'm not sure that you realize how much I love your kids! I already love them as if they were my own! I was trying to figure out who his other choices were and the only person I could
think of was Claudia. All I was thinking of doing was murdering you both!" He laughs his freaking head off.
"I'm sorry. I know that's not funny, but I've always looked at Claudia like an annoying little sister that would think nothing of killing me in my sleep. That's a big fat NO! Be honest, though, you were more jealous than hurt. There's only you for me and there's only you for Gideon and Eden." He pulls me back into his arms and kisses me.
"Speaking of Eden, she asked me if she could start calling you Mommy, because she's always wanted to call someone Mommy, and she said that she knows you love her as much as her Mommy would have. You want to talk about holding back some tears during that conversation."
I immediately squeeze him tight, because I know that had to have been hard to hear. But it also makes my heart happy, but then worried that for the sake of the children they are probably confused at mine and their daddy's closeness.
"That had to have been a tough conversation. This is what I meant about them being confused. What I was trying to avoid with so many changes in their life."
"But they've been good changes, haven't they? Doesn't that count?"
"Yes, but what are we going to say to them? We don't want to lie to them, but we also don't want to get them excited in case something happens."
"What do you mean IN CASE something happens? You're going to be my wife and their mother and very soon I hope!" Is that a proposal? After three weeks? He's crazy!
"Oooookay." What am I supposed to say to that?
"That's what you say when I tell you we are going to get married? Oooookay?" You don't tell someone that you're going to marry them without asking them first.
"Are you not going to ask me? You're just going to tell me and that's it?"
Now he's exasperated and looking at me like I've lost my mind. What I really am is worn out. It's been a very long crazy day that started out with an argument and looks like it’s ending with an argument.
"Oh, I'll ask you, Liv! You won't even know when it's going to happen, but I will ask you."
"Okay. I can't wait. Can we just please go to sleep? I'm so tired and it’s been such a long day." I look up at him and his face softens.
"Yes, go to sleep, my angel. I'm just going to watch you fall asleep and rub your back. Goodnight sweetheart, I love you." He leaned down and kissed me ever so sweetly.
"Goodnight, Baby. I love you, too."
He can watch me all he wants. I don't normally like for anyone to watch me while I'm sleeping, but I can't keep my eye lids open anymore. He starts running his hand up and down my back, slowly caressing me and I'm asleep in no time, with happy thoughts going through my mind.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
We had another long week as always, but there was more fun involved instead of craziness. Cash and I had gone shopping for Eden for her birthday. I had asked her what she was wanting for her birthday and she said that all she wanted was for me and her daddy to go to her party.
I explained that there was nothing that would keep her daddy or me from going to her party and she smiled her gorgeous smile, and I could tell how happy and excited she was. She always mentions how at her grandparents they have a kitchenette and doll house that she loves to play with, so I told Cash that she needed one for the house.
He also got her a huge play house for outside that looks like a mini castle that I knew she would love. I picked out a bunch of outfits and more toys and dolls and figurines to go in her doll house.
We also got Gideon a new bat and some more baseballs, so that he wouldn't feel left out. His birthday wasn't for a few months, and I asked Cash when the last time he bought Gideon something was and he couldn't remember, so that was why I mentioned a few presents for him as well.
We had a great week with the kids, swimming and bowling, or playing catch with Gideon and every day after school, I took Eden and Gideon both to get ice scream, to let him talk about his day. He is enjoying school now and hasn't been bullied since Cash and I had gone up to the school.
Eden and I had several tea parties and Carmen joined us a couple of times, and we were all tickled at the imaginary food that Eden would make us pretend to eat. She has been coming out of her shell and talks all of the time now and asks me lots and lots of questions. So far she hasn't mentioned what she asked Cash about calling me Mommy and I'm so glad, because I'm not sure how to handle that issue yet.
Every night after we would put the kids to bed, Cash came into my room and we made love almost all night. I feel like my heart could explode. Cash on the other hand, has seemed a little distant, but that's understandable, considering the anniversary of Vanessa's death coming up.
He has been attentive to the kids and I, but there have been moments to where I would catch him just staring into space with a somber look on his face. He mentioned me staying with Claudia tonight, since he would be getting home late because of a board meeting earlier this week and I didn't think anything of it at first, but I felt like he was lying to me.
I had been working out in the gym while Eden was taking her naps and didn't get one in today, so I head up on the elevator to the 4th floor to work out before I head to Claudia's, because the kids had just left.
Amelia wanted to make sure I was going to be at Eden's party and I assured her I would be there with Claudia, because Eden had invited her to her birthday party. I didn't tell her that Cash and I were going to go on our first official date after the party and I would be leaving with him.
As I'm getting closer to the fourth floor on the elevator, I hear music blaring. The door opens when I reach the floor and it’s not coming from the gym. It sounds like it’s coming from the suite on the top floor.
I know that Lucas and Carmen are already gone, so there's no one else it could be. I'm suddenly scared because I'm alone in the house. I pull my cell phone out and dial 911, but don't push send; I just want to have it ready in case. I push the number five to go upstairs and I'm shaking.
As I get closer, the music is louder and I realize how depressing and haunting it sounds. I know immediately who's up there and I was right. H
e lied to me and I'm not sure if I should leave him alone and give him some privacy, or just go back downstairs.
I think back to him telling me once that he got so drunk that he tried to drive off a cliff. This is what makes me continue on, because I want to take his keys from him if indeed he's plastered, and it would kill me if he did anything to harm himself.
The elevator doors open and the music is so loud I can't even hear myself think. I slowly step out, peeking around the room looking for Cash and the first thing I see is the big TV, and I see him and Gideon from when he was a baby on the beach.
I walk a little closer, so that I don't disturb him and I can't keep from watching what is on the TV. Cash has an almost empty bottle of scotch on the table in front of him and I see a full bottle beside that one. I'm suddenly wondering how long he's been up here obviously hiding.
I see Cash throwing Gideon up in the air, catching him and see him laughing and all full of excitement. He looks to be about a year and a half. Suddenly, Cash reaches for the camera and it is now on Vanessa and my breath catches at how beautiful she was.
I see where Eden took after her completely. She looks to be of Latino descent with her beautiful long dark brown hair to her gorgeous humongous brown eyes and her beautiful smile.
I believe she is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen pregnant, and I can tell just by the way she's looking at Cash, that she was deeply in love with him. It puts tears in my eyes at what he has missed out on with her and I suddenly feel that I should leave. I feel as if I'm walking on her grave, by witnessing this precious moment of their lives.
I turn around and start walking towards the elevator and all of a sudden the music stops. I slowly turn around, hoping that he doesn't hear me and he's standing behind the couch, facing me with a furious look on his face. I'm scared, because I've never ever seen this look on his face.
"What in the HELL are you doing up here, Olivia?"
Yeah, he's mad, because we are back to Olivia. I look behind me. He had paused the TV and I see Vanessa looking back at me, making me feel ugly and feel that I didn't deserve to be here.
"I'm sorry. I was in the elevator going to work out and I heard music. I thought that I was the only one in the house. I'm leaving now."
"Yeah right! This is my house, ya know. Don't lie to me, you got nosey!" He is so drunk that he's slurring his speech.
"If you will recall, you said you had a board meeting tonight and it would be late before you got home and mentioned I stayed at Claudia's. I don't think I was the one lying."
I start walking to the elevator and I hear him walking towards me, so I start running and push the close doors button. I am not dealing with a drunk tonight. I'm waiting for the doors to hurry up and shut before he reaches them and all of a sudden he's there and the doors shut in his face. He starts screaming my name through the door as its descending
I'm glad I took my bag out to my car before I went to work out, because if I know Cash, he's coming back down the elevator after me. As soon as the elevator opens on the first floor, there he is when the doors open. I'm confused, because I thought the elevator was the only way to get up to that floor. He must have noticed the look on my face.
"What? You didn't think there were stairs? What if this place were to catch on fire?" He could have included that in the tour.
"Cash, I'm sorry I invaded your privacy. I'm going to leave you to it. Claudia is waiting for me. Make sure you grab Eden's gifts to take to the party. You are still going to her party, aren't you?" He looks pissed again.
"Of course I am! Why would you think I wasn't? I knew I couldn't do my usual drunk fest tomorrow on the anniversary, so yes, I lied to you, because I wanted to do it tonight! Is that a problem for you?"
I knew he hadn't gotten past his grief. Not even close. I just want to slap myself right now for being right.
"Absolutely not! Just stay here and don't do anything stupid, okay?"
I lean forward to give him a kiss, but he backs away and acts like I repulse him. Okay... That hurt!
"Bye, Cash" I turn and open the door and he slams it shut before I open it all the way.
"Why ya running this time, Liv?" He's at the back of my neck and I can't move. What is he doing?
"I'm not running. I told you, I have plans with Claudia. Just leave me alone and open the door."
"Why didn't you just leave me alone and mind your own business?"
Now I understand what his problem is. He's embarrassed that I caught him, because he's been the one of the two of us professing about how he's done grieving and moving forward. I turn around and look at him.
"Do you really want to know why? Because I didn't want to find out in the morning that you've wrapped yourself around a tree! That's why! But right now? As mean as you're being to me, I really don't care!"
I'm jabbing him with my finger with every other word, and I have him back against the wall. I continue ripping him a new one.
"No, I don't mean that, I do care. I care too much, but obviously you've been lying to yourself about this whole ‘I'm moving forward’ bullshit! Which I don't blame you. Why are you wasting your time with me? I didn't realize Vanessa was so beautiful. You should be with someone like Claudia! At least she's as beautiful as Vanessa! I'm mediocre, compared to both of them!"
"Liv! You don't mean that! You really have no idea how beautiful you are, do you? Good lord! Did Derek not ever tell you how beautiful you are?" He didn't, but I'm sick of him talking bad about Derek.
"I don't want to talk about it. I'm leaving, Cash. Have fun!" I head back to the door.
"If you leave, I'm going to get in my car and follow you. I don't want to stay here alone tonight." His voice is cracking and I stop and turn around to look at him.
"Wasn't your whole plan meant for you to be alone? How come you don't want to be alone now? I told you... I have plans with Claudia, we are going to dinner." I'm not letting him change my plans. No matter how upset he seems to be.
"Then I'll go to dinner with you both. I'm NOT staying here! I don't trust myself, Liv." That statement tugs at my heart and I know what to do to help him.
"Ok Cash, but you need a shower, because you smell like scotch and you're drunk! Hurry up! You've got ten minutes." He runs up to me and pulls me into his arms and kisses me.
"Thank you, Liv! I promise I'll be on my best behavior."
I see Gideon in his child like face and realize that that's just what he has been acting like. Like a child that got caught doing something he shouldn't have been doing, and I just gave him a reprieve. I can already tell that this is going to be a long night.
********************
Fifteen minutes later, we are on the highway heading to Claudia's and neither of us have said anything since he came downstairs with a bag of clothes to change into. I want to turn the radio on, because the silence is killing me, so I reach towards the radio and turn it on.
"Did it bother you after the accident to drive?" Oh, okay. I turn the radio on and now he wants to talk. I’m not exactly crazy about the question either.
"Why? Are you afraid that I'm going to kill you?" Wow! That was a bitchy comeback, which let me know that I'm still somewhat hurt.
"No, I'm not afraid for my life, Liv. I was just wondering, because some people never drive again when they've been in such a bad car accident." It is a legitimate question, so I calm down and answer him.
"After it happened, my parents came to visit for a month to help me with the funerals and life insurance stuff and I guess you could say I was probably under suicide watch, because they really didn't have to stay that long. Well, I would have my dad take me every day to see Derek and the kids at the cemetery and when it got close to time for them to leave, my dad asked me how I was going to visit them if I refused to drive."
He leans over and grabs my hand, which is on the arm rest. I glance over at him and he's nodding his head for me to continue and I can tell that he's sobered up a little.
"Since the lif
e insurance money had come in, Dad took me car shopping and after we bought the car, he made me drive. I held onto the steering wheel as tight as I could and cried all the way to the cemetery. My dad just kept telling me what a good job I was doing and to keep it up. When we finally got there, I broke down and he held me and I don't know… It just helped me overcome my fear of driving. I don't know what I would have done if my dad hadn't have pushed me to do it."
"I can understand your fear. That's why I freaked out at the possibility of you being pregnant. Which I'm sorry, Liv. I still stand by how I feel and there's nothing you can say to change my mind about it. I hope you can understand that." I refuse to have this conversation again, so I just nod, because the last thing I want to do is argue.
"Since you asked me a tough question, it's my turn. What was today all about? Are you rethinking moving on? Rethinking us being together? Because if you are, what we are doing needs to stop now! Before I'm hurt any worse." I look over at him and his head is down.
"Liv, today had nothing to do with you and please don't say that. I meant every word I ever told you. I love you very much and no I'm not rethinking moving forward. Today was about me and realizing that it was the anniversary and I was feeling like I didn't deserve how happy I've been feeling, because every year I purposely try to hurt myself and what I ended up doing was hurt you in the process. It won't happen again." He unhooks his seat belt, turns towards me, and pulls my hand to his lips.
"That's why I couldn't stay there alone, because after I saw the hurt and betrayal in your eyes, I knew I'd open that other bottle. I don't want there to be any more lies between us, okay? And please, please quit thinking you're not gorgeous and quit thinking you don't deserve me, because Baby, it's the other way around. I don't deserve you!"
I know he's looking at me and waiting for a reply, but I just can't speak. I understand how he feels, but is he going to do this to himself every year? When is he going to realize that he didn't do anything wrong? Vanessa didn't do anything wrong, all she wanted was another baby. When does it end? She's been dead years longer than Derek and the kids, and it's like I'm in a better place than he is. Every time he sees a pregnant woman, is he thinking she's going to die?
Lost and Found Page 21
